Title: Welcoming the Pain
Author: Shenandoah Risu
: PG-13
Content Flags: hints of adult subject matter
Spoilers: SGU Season 1
Prompt: Pain
Word Count: 500
Summary: It hurts to be the one who betrays the other.
Characters: Emily Young
Author's Notes: Written for the Stargateland Writing Challenge 04: Just a few words.
Disclaimer: I don't own SGU. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Now, Young... Young I'd know what to do with... ;-)

Welcoming the Pain

I never realized how much it hurts to betray the one you love. Loved?

I'm not sure that what I feel for him now is love any more. I feel so many things when I think about him, but I'm not sure love is part of it.

Rage. I'm a level-headed person, but this whole situation has shown me a side of myself I'd rather not know about. When he accused David of sleeping with me I wanted to smash something. And when I finally did sleep with David, just a few days later, I felt strangely vindicated, but my rage turned against myself: how can I blame him?

Anger. He told me he broke it off with her, and I know he wouldn't lie about it – that's just the way he is, and I could hear the truth in everything he said – his gestures, his posture, so familiar, even with the strange body. But the green-eyed monster was back as soon as David spilled the beans.

Loneliness. I miss him, I do. I miss his silences the most. Everett has always been a man of few words, but his hands always spoke volumes, his breath, his skin on mine. He was a language all of his own, and I understood every word. Use it or lose it, they say. I can barely remember his face now.

Frustration. I knew from the start that being an Air Force wife meant a lot of baggage, especially with him: the secret missions, the long absences, and the abysmal pain his job sometimes caused him, when I woke up in the night seeing his tears glint in the faint light. I could never get him to talk about it, and I know that even his pain was classified, but it made me feel so utterly helpless, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Fear. Sooner or later he'll find out his suspicions about David and me have become true. He will take it to heart, he will only blame himself, he will refuse to share the burden of guilt, and he will suffer quietly, tearing himself apart.

Pain. David – in his own body – is a considerate lover, taller than what I'm used to, but strong and dominating in a way that makes me feel protected and sheltered. I cherish everything about him that is unlike Everett, and I can't wait for him to go off duty every day. And in the meantime, I feel nothing but pain, and sometimes I welcome it, I deserve it, I track it in every fiber of my body and I rejoice in the agony.

It hurts to be the one who betrays the other.

Now I know. And I don't envy him, I'm not jealous of her any more.

As long as I can still feel the pain I am alive, and with or without him I will go on.

Now David is gone as well. Perhaps it's time for me to start healing on my own.