This is just a little one shot that I whipped up in a couple of hours when I was extremely bored. I hope you like it :) Leave a review if you do (or don't) to let me know what you think of it.

Nine Ways To Thoroughly Annoy a Malfoy

1. Use the legendary insult, handed down from mother to daughter generation: 'Ferret'. Would you like an example of usage of this downright exquisite insult? I shall use an excerpt from third year.

"Out the way, weasel. You're dirtying the air that I intend to breathe, so move."

"I'll dirty the air as much as I like, ferret-boy. Just be careful you don't injure yourself breathing and talking at the same time. I would hate for you to lose that brain cell you have rattling around in your tiny ferret mind."

As you can see, many variations on the term ferret can be used, from the noun 'ferret' to even use as a verb 'to ferret' (meaning to act in a Malfoy-like manner). Occasionally use as an adjective can be allowed, such as 'ferrety face'(Note: alliteration makes this more effective).

Unfortunately, the instance stated above was ruined by Rachel Longbottom informing us that as rodents of the same family, ferrets and weasels were predisposed to mate with one another.

2. Direct some sort of charm of destruction or enhancement on the Malfoy hair. Previous success stories include dying ginger, dying red and gold and charming it to flash brightly, charming to cause premature balding, charming to grow long and bushy and charming facial hair to grow rapidly and be immune to all counter-charms for six hours.

Note: do not try give hair loss solution in his evening pumpkin juice as accidental drinking by best friend/innocent bystander may occur, resulting in a friend/innocent bystander who will not talk to you for several weeks. If this does happen, remember that turning the sweetest, innocentest person (ie. Rachel Longbottom) bald can lead in them having a desire for retribution. Thus you may also end up bald.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to get them in trouble with their parents, as they will invariably end up returning the sentiment. In particular, avoid sending a letter to their father who still holds a grudge pretending to be the Malfoy in question and stating that you are madly in love with an old muggle lady who lives in a cave near Hogwarts. In such instances, not only will the father send a letter back appearing pleased with the situation (an unexpected reaction) the aforementioned Malfoy will write a letter to your father, a copy of which is stated below as a dire warning.

Dear Dad,

I think it is time to tell you that I am in love. I know this may not be easy for you to get your head around, but the boy in question is Scorpius Malfoy. He is just so handsome and charming, I suppose I couldn't help but fall in love with him. I want you to accept him as a person, so that one day my dreams of marrying him and having his gorgeous blonde babies may become a reality.

Lots of love, Rosie

Many howlers followed this letter.

4. As a warning against the dangers of attempting to put a Malfoy in detention, I shall skip my long sermon about how pointless and fruitless any attempt is, and how you shouldn't even bother however much you are dying to see him scrape frog brains off the dungeon ceiling, and turn right to a conversation immortalized in the form of a diary entry of my best friend, Rachel Longbottom, in fifth year.

September 2nd – First day back at school!

Everything was great today, until Rose caught Malfoy and some of his mates trying to convince a first year to challenge Peeves to a battle of wits. As she's a prefect she tried to put him in detention, but he refused to acknowledge that he had a detention, saying he had better things to do with his time than hang around cleaning loos with Filch. Rose told him that unless he accepted that he was doing wrong by practically sentencing this poor first year to death-by-Peeves and willingly went along to detention at five o'clock on Wednesday she was going to take fifty points off Slytherin and physically drag him to detention.

He told her to bog off, and that she would never be able to take points off Slytherin, because (and I quote) 'I have invented the perfect way of stopping you'.

So she tried to take points off Slytherin, but it turned out that Malfoy had charmed her so that every time she tried to say Slytherin she ended up saying Gryffindor, so she ended up taking 100 points from our house! I thought that was very mean of him, really, and so did Rose. We're in Transfiguration now, and she hasn't managed to turn her canary into a teapot yet (usually she's finished in ten minutes) and is instead muttering under her breath.

I think she's planning to sneak into Malfoy's room tonight using Al's invisibility cloak and magic him into a troll. Personally I think that that is a marvellous idea, but it is bound to go wrong, and I suppose she shall make me help her. Though perhaps I should, she does seem rather distraught – I just heard her call Malfoy a 'ghastly limpet-like ferret-arse that deserves to be fed to the giant squid'. When she is in a better mood I think I may compliment her, as that comment was very creative, I think.

5. Do not try to sneak into the male Slytherin dorms at three o'clock in the morning to turn Malfoy into a miniature troll, as the following things may go wrong:

a) Challenging your cousin to a game of chess, with the winner having the right to use the invisibility cloak for a full day, may end in him putting you in checkmate after three minutes and thus having to face the breaking into the Slytherin dorms without the advantage of being unseen.

b) Bringing your best friend along may have seemed like a bright idea at the time, but they will clearly get distracted by something on the way to the Slytherin dorms. If you do bring them along, be sure to steer clear of: house-elves with woolly hats on, suits of armour that sing when you hit the breast-plate and the trophy room (particularly if they have a love of shiny things).

c) Don't let your best friend inform Peeves of your plans.

d) Don't chase Peeves down the Charms corridor, bribing him not to tell anyone. (Note: Poltergeists apparently can't eat, so don't offer food as a form of leverage, as they will get very upset and, in some cases, may cry and becoming a sobbing idiot. Thus delaying the plan and potentially having disastrous consequences).

e) There may be Slytherins with a penchant for staying up very late in the common room that may find you suspicious. This, however, is easy enough to avoid so long as you dress like a Slytherin with very short skirts (the males become distracted).

f) When in Slytherin dorm room quickly turn Malfoy into troll without letting aforementioned best friend start cooing over how 'sweet they look in their sleep! You'd never think they were so mean in the day!'

g) If caught by teachers on way back, do not use sleep-walking as an excuse. As a Weasley you are immediately classified as suspicious, and cannot elude punishment by using sleep-walking as a reason for wandering the halls at four in the morning.

Note: When researching said troll-transfiguring-charm, make sure that you do not confuse it with an allurement charm, as you may suddenly find yourself attracted to a Malfoy surrounded by fawning girls all equally affected by said allurement charm.

6. Jealousy is the best policy. One sure fired way to rile up a Malfoy is to make him supremely jealous, on the advice of your very best friend, who incidentally likes to keep a diary which is splendid for referring back to, and much easier to use to explain how to do it right and how one can do it wrong. Presumably you shall be able to figure out what went right and wrong.

March 16th

Rose is still trying to get back at Malfoy for him sending her a birthday 'present' of seventeen blast-ended skrewt eggs (one for each year of her life apparently). Whilst she was having some sort of violent verbal battle with him in the hall today I got talking to Paddy O'Hara (one of the evil Malfoy's minions) and he was very nice. I think he is quite nice looking too, but I doubt Rose will agree. She is too busy fawning over Henry Tillby, the Ravenclaw prefect, who she thinks is going to ask her out some time soon. I am sure he will too, because he does keep telling her that she is very pretty.

March 20th

Henry asked Rose out and they vanished off to walk round the library or something. I was very bored so I walked to the kitchens to get some cakes when I bumped into Paddy O'Hara, who told me that apparently Malfoy was in a bit of a mood so he was escaping him with food from the kitchens.

March 29th

Poor Rose! That evil Malfoy went and punched her boyfriend, Henry, today! Paddy was telling me that they were on the Quidditch pitch when Henry made a comment about Rose (Paddy wouldn't tell me what it was) and then Malfoy just dove in and punched him on the nose.

You can see that jealousy when inflicted unconsciously on a Malfoy is completely effective. Flawless in fact, but please note that issues can arise when one becomes aware of one's effects on the person who is jealous. To express this, I have collected some notes made in class (some of which were extremely difficult to obtain due to them being exchanged between Malfoy and O'Hara).


I am jealous of nothing.

Oh, so Rose Weasley snogging her boyfriend at breakfast this morning didn't affect you in the slightest.

Of course not. But don't you think it's a little bit unhygienic? I had trouble keeping my breakfast down with them playing tonsil Quidditch in the bloody Great Hall.

You are so jealous.

I am not. I have a very hot date tonight anyway. Why would I be wasting my time thinking about dork-features and her equally dorky boyfriend?

Hot date?

Very hot. Hot with a capital 'H'.

It's Parkinson isn't it? That girl is not hot. A dead Grindylow is more sexually appealing than her. You're only going out with her because you are jealous aren't you? Because I vaguely remember you swearing after your last date with her that you would never go within a ten foot radius of her 'octopus kissing techniques' again.

So what if it's Parkinson? If Weasley is playing games I need to get back at her.


It's thirty cubes of jellified eel liver, not twenty-five.

I wasn't writing to you about work. I was going to ask you something.

What were you going to ask? Don't forget to write that you need six anti-clockwise stirs before adding the three spoons of quince essence.

Would you say that Paddy O'Hara was attractive?

He is acceptable. Why? Got a crush?

NO! Of course not! Talking of crushes, I know who you have one on.

I hardly think that's an impressive piece of deduction work there. I have a crush on my boyfriend.

Really? Because I sort of thought that that kiss this morning was to make a certain someone jealous...

Who? And if you're talking about Professor Collins, I already told you I went to visit him because of a query about the muggle theory of sub-atomic particles and not because I wanted a snog. He's ancient anyway.

I was speculating more along the lines of one whose name rhymes with Halfoy. And starts with 'M'.

Malfoy? Don't make me laugh! It wasn't to make him jealous, it was because I know that me kissing Henry annoys him. A lot. And my mission is to annoy him.

You fancy him.

I do not.

You do.



This is immature. I'm going to bed.

Hold on. Is that Malfoy lip-locking with Parkinson by the Herbology shelf?

It can't be. No one in their right mind would snog Parkinson, she looks like a cross between Fang and a garden gnome.

It is them!

I feel ill.

You do look a bit green. Though maybe that's more from jealousy...

This is SO immature of him. He always just has to fight back! And it is so mean to be using poor Parkinson like that. She probably hasn't got a clue that he's just doing this for attention. I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind.

Don't give away too much!

You are soooo not funny, Longbottom.

In any case, jealousy regularly ends up backfiring, so be prepared for this. And don't go demand what is the matter with his mind, because you end up with a reply like this:

"I'm just having a good time with my girlfriend, Weasley. Maybe if you weren't such a prude it wouldn't bother you."

And a very cheerful looking garden-gnome/dog cross and you will be very irritated because you will end up trying to give him detention (this fails...see number 4) and then storm off angrily, thus losing your house points because the librarian catches you marching off in a huff.

7. Appear aloof and uninterested in every aspect of his life, even if you are in fact very interested (deep down – you must never show interest or your best friend will be on your back). A prime example here, with an excerpt from seventh year, spring term, during the most unfortunate Potions pairing ever.

"I suppose you overheard me telling O'Hara about Kayleigh and I breaking up."

"Not everyone is as desperately interested in your life as you like to think, Malfoy."

Notice how this rebuke avoids answering with a yes or no and immediately offends the ego. A very effective line here, working well to defend against the attempt to admit interest in Malfoy-land.

"Don't lie, Weasley, you've been dying for us to break up for ages."

An excellent reply, I hate to admit, as it is delivered with air of not being offended by previous comment.

"Actually, I didn't even know you were going out. Are you going to add the Lacewing larvae or not?"

Brilliant line here, with an successful attempt at eliminating the conversation, thus implying that person is not at all interested in Malfoy-land. Also saying that were not aware of dating was an effective way to imply that replier was in fact too busy elsewhere to dwell on life in Malfoy-land.

Note: If asked about your life, feel free to embellish certain facts a bit, in order to cause maximum annoyance.

8. Rejection. Once stage of 'Malfoy moves past previous indifferences and proceeds to demand dates' is reached, then maximum creativity can be reached when creating interesting replies to that ever irritating question: Will you go out with me? Here are some of the highlights.

Exhibit A – Prime example of short and sweet reply. It is succinct and prevents continued conversation.


"Ah, Weasley, listen, McGonagall wants us to sort some stuff out for the Graduation ball, shall we discuss it over butterbeer in Hogsmeade?"


Exhibit B – The deflect and move on theory. Though effective, it can have some failings and doesn't cater for the need to prevent continued discussion.


"The Weird Sister's tribute band tour are in Hogsmeade next Saturday, do you want to come see them with me?"

"Oh sorry, I have to take my pet niffler for a walk that day, so I'm tied up. Maybe you could take Parkinson?"

Exhibit C – The annoying way. Could be taken the wrong way.


"Will you go out with me?"

"Yes, of course. Let me just go grab my coat."


"No, you stupid ferret. Now go terrorise Gryffindors, or whatever you putrid Slytherins do."

Exhibit D – The epic fail. This situation should not have occurred, and was completely ineffective as resulted in rest of library believing a date to be taking place when one was NOT.


"Letting someone copy your homework are you, Weasley?"

"She's my best friend, Malfoy, and has been out of lessons for a week since she got attacked by a dodgy plant in Greenhouse 4."

"Letting someone copy your homework is a punishable offence, weasel."

"You can't punish your fellow Head Girl, ferret."

"Au contraire, foolish peasant. Did you not read your Head's guide book? It clearly states in section D paragraph 8 that even the Head Boy and Girl can inflict detention on one another for a punishable offence."

"There's a Head's guide book?"

"Clearly you have been neglecting your duties, and that is definitely a punishable offence. Detention. 7 o'clock. Charms room 9."

"I swear there's not a Head's guide book!"

"It's a date then. Wear something pretty."

9. If at any point you begin dating aforementioned Malfoy and he annoys you for any reason whatsoever, send this letter to your father.

Dear Mr Weasley,

I would just like to inform you that I am currently dating your daughter, Rose Weasley. She is a very lovely girl, and I am privileged to have to honour of being her boyfriend. I wrote to you because I felt you should be informed, and that I would like to get to know my future father-in-law.

Perhaps you would like to go out for dinner some time?

Yours sincerely,

Scorpius Malfoy