***Edited & reposted***
Authors Note - Ok so this is my first ever fan fiction. Although i loved Eclipse and it was my favorite of all the books i was disappointed in New Moon when she went to Italy and got back together with Edward so i'm writing it from after the cliff dive.
I've had quite a few chapters written for a long time but have just got the courage to put it up here - so be gentle LOL
I've read a LOT of other people's stories which have inspired me to put up my own. I'm also starting each chapter with a quote from a song. A lot of authors have also used songs in their chapters which i love the idea so will be doing it in mine too. Certain songs stir emotions and there are songs that always remind me of Twilight - well Bella and Jacob to be exact so i'm sharing them with you! Enjoy
No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.
"Zero" by Lamb
There's no one here today, 'Cause someone took the light away
There's nothing in my heart, Don't think I could even start to explain
I can't stand the pain, Of losing something so much a part of me
Though in reality, You were hardly there in my heart
Chapter 1 – We never fit
There I was, pinned against the kitchen counter by Jacob, he had one arm on either side of my waist as he pressed himself closer, his mouth inching toward my lips. I felt a flush of heat – it was not my usual cringe worthy blush – I could feel the warmth of his russet skin emanating from his forearms as they brushed against the damp fabric of my t-shirt, the only evidence of my near fatal cliff dive merely an hour ago. His breath was hot and sweet against my blue tinged lips. My lips parted as I panted a few short breaths.
Was I really going to do this?
My mind raced a million miles an hour as I contemplated how this action – or possible inaction – would affect our friendship. I loved Jacob without a doubt, but my heart was still being tortured by Edw- … someone else.
The edges throbbed slightly as I thought his name.
Jake had been my savior; he was no hero in the normal terms, but I felt that he had pulled me out of my self imposed exile and put some of those pieces back together that were thoroughly smashed apart when he left.
I don't want you anymore… those words burnt holes in my soul. I knew from the very beginning, from the first time I laid my human eyes on him and his bronze tousled hair, his amber eyes and his pale perfect skin that we would never fit together, we'd never look like a seamlessly bonded pair, we'd never be those "two peas in a pod" – we were excruciatingly different.
I was merely a human girl, bland – painfully bland – no special skills or qualities that stood out, unless you call my magnet for danger and trouble unique…
His full bottom lip touched my mouth first as his top lip caught up. He paused for a few seconds and looked deep into my eyes – what would he see? Could he comprehend the internal struggle that was waging war in the pit of my stomach? Could he sense the hesitation and revert that back to my thwarted love lost? Could he see the doubt in my eyes as they stared widely into his?
But then a shrill ring from the phone suspended our probable first kiss!
Jake reached for the receiver and opened his mouth to speak a greeting before I snatched the phone out of his hand. I giggled lamely to cut the tension in the air and breathed a swift "hello" into the receiver.
"Hello… Hello," I sang out – but there seemed to be no-one on the other end.
"Hmph," I snorted, "there was no one there."
"Saved by the bell," Jake retorted as he replaced the phone on the wall. "Now where were we?" he questioned.
"Ummm, Alice will be back in a minute." I used that fact as my life boat to refrain from returning to the moment that was sure to change everything – I just wasn't certain.
His demeanor changed instantly, his eyes clouding over with loathing at the sound of the Cullen's name. "Damn Cullens, always in the way," he spat
"Excuse me? Alice is my friend and she can come and go as she pleases. Besides, now that she knows I'm ok and that I wasn't actually planning on killing myself I can't imagine she'll stay. Her brother requested that she stay away." I emphasied the word brother, as I could not bring myself to say his name - still. I winced and Jake caught on as to why.
"God Bella… Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep torturing yourself over the choice that the filthy bloodsucker made? HE-DOES-NOT-CARE!" He yelled as he highlighted the last few words.
He does not care. The truth of that statement hurt more than the actual words. I was stunned at Jake, I couldn't believe how haphazardly he threw that in my face and my eyes began to burn with the salty tears that started escaping as I tried to blink them away.
"Ow," was all I managed to retort at Jake's words.
"Bells, please don't cry. You can't waste any more tears on him. He's not worth it," he said sympathetically.
"Oh Jake. I wish it were that easy. You just don't understand, he was my life and now he's gone." I unleashed a bit too much of the truth
"Bella," he breathed, "you're still alive. You still have a life here so continue living it!"
"I'm trying Jake, but there are still times when I just can't cope," I confessed as more tears flooded my cheeks
Jake sighed. "I'm here for you when ever you need me, whatever I can do. Just tell me."
"That's the thing Jake; you've already done more than you know." The professions just kept spilling out but what was the use in keeping them in?
"I'm here. Whether you need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, whatever. I'm always here, you can depend on me." His eyes were full of warmth as he grabbed my shoulders and crushed me into a hug.
"Love you Jake," was all I could muster.
"Right back at ya baby," he mused.
Alice flitted back into the room, cocked her head to one side as she assessed the situation.
"I'm OK Alice," I stated before she had a chance to speak.
"Bella," she sighed, "I have to go. I'm not supposed to be here." She tore off a corner of the newspaper sitting on the kitchen table, whipped out a pen and jotted down a number.
"Here," she offered as she passed me the paper, "this is my cell phone number. You can call me whenever you need me."
"Oh Alice. I love you and miss you so much." I grabbed her arms and pulled her close for our goodbye hug.
"Take care of her," she said to Jake.
"Always," he responded as he grabbed my hand.
In a second she was out the door as I heard the black Mercedes speed down the street.
"Pizza?" Jake asked as I stood aimlessly in front of the fridge.
"Sure. How many?" I tried to laugh. Occupational hazard of Jake being a werewolf was his ravenous and enormous appetite.
"I'm paying. So 5 large?" he quizzed.
"God, where do you fit it all? Must be filling out those biceps," I joked.
After we scoffed, well Jake scoffed, all the pizza and washed it down with some coke, we stared vacantly at the TV. My mind was processing the evenings events. I wasn't sure if our non kiss was occupying Jacob's thoughts but he looked bummed.
"All right Bells, I better get going," he sighed as he rose to his feet.
"Umm, okay." Argh, I so didn't want to be alone right now. I looked at my feet as I muttered a goodbye. I was afraid he would see what was in my thoughts as soon as he looked into my eyes.
He took two strides towards me, closing the gap between us. His hot hand lifted my chin so that he could look at me.
"Hey, remember what I said – I'm here, anything you need," he repeated as his sensed my hesitation.
"I… I don't want to be alone," I confessed.
"You don't have to be. I can stay, if that's what you want," he beamed.
"What about your dad?"
"Bella," he laughed, "I'm a werewolf. Do you honestly think I have a curfew? Not coming home is a usual occurrence with patrolling and all. Billy will be fine."
"OK then," I stammered as I gave him a big bear hug. "Thank you."
He smiled his huge Jacob grin and I flicked the TV off and we headed upstairs.
Charlie was still at work and my dad was not the type to peek into my room to make sure I was sleeping, so we'd be ok. Besides, I'd use the lock for good measure, not that I actually think Charlie would be upset about Jake staying over.
We got to my room and I grabbed my pyjamas and headed to the bathroom to change while Jake flicked through my CD's. When I walked back in he was lounging on the left side of my bed so I positioned myself on the right. He stopped at one and I looked over at the cover and recognized it, it was Placebo; Without You I'm Nothing. He scoffed loudly at the title. I looked over at him.
"That's their best work you know," I confirmed.
"I know that. I love this CD, just the title is a bit dismal," he critiqued.
"Hmm. I know the feeling though, so I know where it was coming from when it was written," I blurted as I looked up at him from under my lashes.
He began reciting the lyrics. "I'm unclean, a libertine, and every time you vent your spleen, I seem to lose the power of speech, you're slipping slowly from my reach, you grow me like the ever green, you've never seen a lonely me at all… without you I'm nothing - at all."
I gasped. "Wow! I'm impressed Jacob Black, you know it by heart too?"
"Huh, sort of… I guess," he said with a red tinge to his face.
"Which is your favorite?" I asked curiously.
"Ask for answers," he stated.
"Ah, mine too," I confessed as I began to recite. "Time to pass you to the test, hanging on my lovers breath, always coming second best, pictures of my lovers chest, get through this night, there are no second chances, this time, I might, to ask the sea for answers." I spoke the words aloud then closed my eyes.
"These bonds are shackle free, wrapped in lust and lunacy, tiny touch of jealousy, these bonds are shackle free." I opened my eyes and peered at him. His was thoroughly engrossed in my words and his gaze was focused on my face. I blushed.
"I want a love like that, like those songs, full of the agony, lust, pain, desire of love," I admitted.
"But the agony and the pain is only there because you want that person so much – not because they have caused you pain by their actions," he differentiated.
I winced; my mind registering the pain that he made me feel when he left. "Yeah I know. I want that." Clearly our 'love' was no love song the way I wanted it to be.
Jake flipped open the CD player and popped it in; he skipped to our favorite song and lowered the volume. He resumed his position on my bed and even though the music was at a background noise level, we didn't speak, just listened to the strumming of the guitar and those words. Bliss. I closed my eyes.
I was aware that I was dreaming. He was kissing and gently biting my neck as I had my hands entwined in his hair. I was sitting on his lap, a leg on either side of his, my hips pressing into his urgently. It was HOT; I was getting hot – literally, I was sweating. Before I could see who it was I was awoken to the sound of Charlie knocking on my door. Shoot! I thought. I wasn't expecting that, and I had Jake sleeping next to me.
"Yeah?" I moaned as if I was still sleeping.
"Bella, just wanted to let you know I'll be gone fishing tomorrow at dawn, so I'll see you tomorrow night." Charlie called through the locked door.
"OK dad. Have fun," I enthused.
I rolled onto my side to face Jacob, he opened one eye lazily and spoke. "You should have told him you have a guy in your bed. I would have loved to seen him kick the door down," he chuckled.
"Yeah right," I responded, "I don't think he'd actually believe that."
Jacob reached out and ran his fingers over my brow, wiping at the perspiration that had collected there. "Am I making you hot Bella?" he asked curiously.
"Ah, um, i…" I spluttered, "I don't know," I told him earnestly.
"Geez Bells. Take a chill pill, it wasn't a trick question. One-oh-eight remember? I thought my heat was resonating or something that's all," he quipped.
How silly of me to think he somehow sensed my dream, of course he meant his temperature. I took some deep breaths to regain my composure as I pondered who that him was in my delicious dream.
Through heavy lids I watched Jacob who'd now turned to his side to face me. He drifted back to sleep as I surveyed his beautiful face. His shiny black cropped hair, his russet skin, the planes of his sculpted jaw, his dark lash rimmed deep set eyes, his full pink lips. I moved myself closer and settled my face just inches away from his. I wondered what it would feel like to kiss those full lips, to gently lick them with my tongue and feel his hot breath as they parted to let me in.
As I floated somewhere between reality and my dreams, they melded together and I was semiconscious when I placed my hand behind his head and wove my fingers in his hair. I leaned into him and pressed my lips against his - God they were so soft and sweet. I gently bit and tugged at his bottom full lip and he breathed, "Bella."
His lips parted and my tongue caressed the inside of his mouth. I felt a hand slide over my hip, up my back and I felt fingers entwined in my hair pulling it slightly. I sighed as I pressed my mouth harder against his, his tongue found mine and we licked and sucked at each others mouths exploring.
Man this was hot – best dream ever. As I propped my elbow up to lift myself so I could roll on top of him, I open my eyes and saw him. His eyes were burning with desire and he registered the hesitation in my face. "Hey" he whispered breathlessly.
"Oh my God!" I stammered as I clumsily jumped away. "I'm… uh… err…" How was I going to explain this one. "Shoot, sorry," was all I could come up with.
"Bells, what was that?" he questioned.
"I was kinda dreaming," I confessed as I laughed nervously.
"About me?" he asked quizzically.
"Um, yes?" It sounded more like a question than an answer.
"Oh…" Jake looked lost for a moment, like he wasn't exactly sure what to do with that information. He gnawed at his lip, the one that had been pressed against my mouth a few moments ago.
I was shell shocked; I thought he'd be a bit more excited by the fact he was starring in my dreams. Disappointment then flooded his brown eyes
"Just a dream. Yeah, I thought it was too good to be true," he professed.
I winced as I comprehended why he was upset. He studied the pain in my eyes at my realization that I'd hurt him.
"Hey, I told you I'd be here for you to do whatever you wanted and if you want me to be your dream man – I can handle that," he teased.
"Ha ha," I laughed sarcastically, "my dream swept me away and… sorry." No explanation was necessary, but I wondered what my subconscious was trying to tell me.