A simple oneshot about what happens when one lover is pushed to the brink of mental stability.
How could I have been so stupid? I look back now. All of the signs were there. They have been all along. At first she loved me so much. Her life revolved around me. Then, as we became closer and our relationship progressed, she started to distance herself. At first I just chalked it up to stress. Her need to spend time with people that weren't me. I completely understood that. I even told her I understood. I even encouraged it.
Then the distance grew larger and larger. She'd stopped returning any of my messages when she went out. She'd stay out till odd hours of the night. Her messages would be short and to the point. She'd avoid any serious question I'd asked her. How could I have been so blind all along?
I looked down at the picture of her and I that sat on the far corner of my desk. Out of harm's way. We were so happy when we were together. I thought she made my life complete. She did, at one point. Now…she tells me she wants space. Space…Space always means they no longer want to see me. I've gone through the "I need space" talks before. The space lasts for a month or two, then I'm forgotten. I always am.
She promises me she won't forget me. She also promises she won't stop talking to me. I've heard all those before. More times than I could count honestly. It's like my life is a broken record. I keep reliving the same conversations over and over again. The only difference is, they're with different women. All full of empty promises.
Lately she's told me that she does want to marry me and be with me, just…not right now. What am I suppose to think about that? It's almost like she the puppeteer controlling the strings of my heart. I've tried to convince myself to leave. To never message her again. To just…forget she ever existed. Yet, I cannot do that. I can't forget her. Something in my heart says to hang on to what little hope there is that's left. My mind, on the other hand, screams at me daily. It screams at me more and more with each passing moment. It's telling me how much of an idiot I've been lately. It reminds me of how blind I've been to everything around me. The signs have been there. She's been seeing someone else. She won't tell me that though, but I just know she is. I have this gut feeling I guess you could say.
I shoved the picture off of the desk. It landed on the floor, the glass shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces. Shattered, just like my heart. Shattered to the point it cannot be put back together again. I sit here and I'm numb. I no longer have any feeling left inside. I'm beyond the point of any return. Nobody's going to be there to catch me when I fall. Not if I fall, when I fall. It's only a matter of time. Something simple is going to push me over the edge. Something as simple as someone clicking their pen during a meeting, or perhaps as simple as having their footsteps be a little too heavy on the floor near me. Most things that wouldn't bother most people have been pushing my last buttons as of late.
The picture is still staring at me. Her eyes are locked with mine. I cannot look away. She's taunting me. Laughing about me, wherever she may be right now. She's forgotten about me and moved on. Why can't I just forget about her already? I don't know how to distance myself from someone who has stolen so much of my heart away from me. How do I get it back? I try asking the questions, but nobody listens long enough to answer them for me. Fuck, nobody listens to me period. Something I've become accustomed too as of late.
Haruka Tenou, you stole my heart away from me. You toyed with it as if it were just a plaything of yours. I wish you would just cut your strings and leave me to die. I try talking to you about how depressed I am and how much I just want to jump off something, or drive my car into the side of a building at top speed…You stop me. I fall for your words of love. You tell me you won't let me do that. Your reason? You love me too much to let me do that. You love me so much yet you continue to pull all of my strings.
I sit back and wonder all the time. Who's really the idiot? Me for letting you control my heart? Or you for letting me go. It's me. You've come and gone so many times. I can never say no to you. What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I that desperate for someone to love me? Am I so desperate to have contact that I'm blind to everything else?
It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Not you. Not them. Nothing. Nobody. I feel nothing. So therefore I won't feel what's coming. I glanced at my phone. I debated on sending you a message. Not like you'd read it for hours, if you ever read it. Maybe one couldn't hurt.
I flipped it open and typed a simple message to you. "Goodbye." One word. To me, goodbyes are forever. I don't know what they mean to you. I don't care. I gripped my head. The conflicting thoughts were starting to make it throb. Just as I made my way toward my balcony door the phone chirped with a response.
I love you.
That's all it said. Tears welled up in my eyes. There was that small glimmer of hope again. Hope that the most perfect woman in the world would still want to be with me. I can't give her everything, but I can and have given her my heart. I hang onto the fact that she might just learn how to treat it right.
I love you too.
The tears of my eyes finally broke through their barrier. They streamed down my face like two tiny rivers. I couldn't stop them. Slowly I fell to my knees on the balcony, my body shaking with sobs. I gripped my phone tightly to my chest. It chirped again.
Can I come see you?
Tears blurred my vision. I could barely see the message on my phone's screen. My heart melted at the sight of those words.
I needed her here. I needed her here to hold me and tell me over and over again that she loved me. She does love me. I know it deep in my heart. Haruka Tenou is the love of my life. I just don't know how much longer I can handle this coming and going…my phone beeped one last time.
This was written from my heart...please leave a review...but be gentle with them.
And, I also need to tell a very special someone that I'm sorry for everything that's happened. I just hope she takes the time to read this...