Lord of The Rings belongs to the Tolkien estate, not me. No money's made from this and that should be clear while reading. It will never be published in a book.
Oh, and Lila Brockhouse of Loamsdown is Mary Sue.... typed in a hobbit name generator I had found online.
Thank you and try to enjoy. This is worse than the Sora one...
Lila Brockhouse of Loamsdown was a very tall Hobbit lass who left home at the age of 33.
She spent some time studying under Tom Bombadil before going to Bree.
In Bree, Strider was so taken aback by the lovely, blonde, tall Hobbit with magneta eyes that he taught her to fight. She quickly got better than he did.
Some time later, she went to Rohan to show everyone how lovely, charming and strong she was.
After beating Eowyn in battle, cooking and haircare, Lila went with Grima Wormtongue.
While on the way to see Saruman, Wormtongue explained how one does anything once they fall in love. Lila figured that meant he and Saruman were doing the nasty, but she didn't realize it was really foreshadowing in a badly told tale.
After learning magic from Saruman, and wiping out him and all who fought for him...
Lila headed to Mirkwood. There, she saw the love of her life, running through the trees.
So graceful! So fair of skin! So trim of figure! Those eyes! And what sexy clothes!
It was then and there, Lila understood what Wormtongue said. And now, she would do anything to get her beloved's heart (except cut it out- that's icky!).
So she cornered the Fellowship in the Misty Mountains.
She killed Gandalf the Grey first- with her magic powers.
Then Gimli Son of Gloin. At this, Legolas fell to his knees and held the fallen dwarf close. As tears fell down his face, he died of grief.
"Finally! That's what you nasty elves get!," Lila beamed.
"I am Gandalf the W-". Lila killed the wizard again.
Merry and Pippin jumped on her. Lila chopped their heads off in one swing, using her sword "Sparkle".
"I am Gandalf the Blue!" Lila grinned and killed the wizard again.
Enraged, Strider leapt to face her. But he was so taken aback by how even more lovely she was than when they last met, that he didn't last long.
Lila was about to run after Boromir, Frodo and Sam when....
"I am Gandalf the Pink."
"Oh shit!," Lila says.
After killing Gandalf the Pink after a 15 minute battle, Lila teleported to Mordor.
She sat around, daydreaming about her perfect lovelife-in-the-making.
Some Orcs and Shelob were bugging her, so she wound up tossing them all into the firepit.
No one bothered her again until Frodo, Sam and Boromir came around.
"Hi guys! Time to kill you!," Lila chirped as she stabbed Boromir in the heart.
Sam and Frodo hugged eachother as heterosexual life-mates do.
Lila's smile grew wider. "Hey, Sammy... if you wanna go back home and get some Hobbit pussy from Rose, all ya gotta do is ask...."
"Yep! Have fun and wear protection!"
Sam stared at the bit of plastic that appeared in his hand. He disappeared as Lila wiggled her ears.
Frodo's eyes widened, "What about me?"
"Give me the Ring," Lila giggled.
"It's for my boyfriend," Lila answered in a sing-song voice.
"S-sauron?," Frodo whispered nervously.
Lila just rolled her eyes, "As if!"
"No- no- no... the ring belongsssssss to me!"
Frodo jumped at the sound of Gollum's voice. Lila jumped around like most girls do at NSync concerts.
"That's your boyfriend?," Frodo frowned.
"Yep... Or he will be. I'll give him the Ring...," Lila began.
Gollum began to do a happy dance.
"And I'll teach him to brush his hair and teeth, and dance well, and eat like a cool guy, and talk about kewl things like Britney Spears, and buy me clothes at the mall... Whenever he's not paying attention to wonderfully smart, stylish, strong and hot I am. Oh, and he has to wear speedos while he gets us fish! And I'll make sandwiches with them!"
Frodo suppressed a giggle as Gollum stopped dancing and looked at the giggling girl with absolute horror.
"Doesn't that, like, sound awesome, Gollum-chan? You're, like, speechless!"
Gollum grabbed the Ring from Frodo, and shoved it in Lila's hands.
"Oh wow! Like, you like me so much that I'm your precious and not the ring."
Gollum pushed her into the fires of Mordor, then lay trembling on the ground in a fetal position.
"You did it!"
Gollum nervously looked up to see Frodo and a old man smiling at him.
"Hello, Ring and Mary-Sue destroyer. My name is Gandalf the Tutti Fruitti."
Gollum smiled back.