Notes: This will be a series of connected oneshots on Kenny's dire attempts to get laid. Pure, stupid crack. Dedicated to every girl that Dan and I have ever given stupid pick-up lines to.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, and make no profit from this work.

How (Not) To Get The Girl(s)

My name is Kyle Broflovski, and I am a cruel son-of-a-bitch and very bad friend.

The second clause in that sentence is undoubtedly what Kenny will tell me when I finds out what I'm doing.



But it is all for a good cause. Because I am Kenny's best friend, and best friends eventually become best men (yeah, be shocked. Kenny McCormick wants to grow up and have a family. Not right now, but someday.) and have to make speeches.

And in those speeches, you're meant to embarrass the ever-living shit out of the groom.

So this is all, in the long-term, in the interests of being a better friend and making his wedding(s) all that more enjoyable.

I am keeping a journal of Kenny's fails (especially the epic ones) when it comes to women. And my inspiration? Well, my hat goes off to you, Lisa Dawson, for being that attractive.

Lisa Dawson is one of the receptionists at the gym. Kenny does not, as a rule, go to the gym. As a rule, I do. (Basketball practice uses one of the gym halls.) As a rule, Kenny will swing by near the end of practice to flirt with any pretty girls around, and go for a drink with me afterwards.

Lisa Dawson is one of the said pretty girls.

Now, Kenny flirting with Lisa Dawson is nothing new. Even I flirt with Lisa Dawson. And I don't usually go for blondes. But Lisa Dawson has a tiny waist and a double-D bra and lots of fluffy blonde hair, and the most orgasmic smile before we're talking internet porn sites. So everyone, even some of the women, flirts with Lisa Dawson.

Not that I've ever actually talked to Lisa Dawson as a person instead of a walking wet dream, but I suspect she's probably quite used to it.

But I decided to keep my little record of Kenny's, ah, exploits, when I came out of the gym just in time to see him lean over the desk towards her and give her that supposedly charming (and in reality creepy) grin of his.

"You know," he was saying, "I keep coming in here and seeing that great dye job you have done on your hair, and you know what? I had an epiphany last night. It would go awesome with my pillowcases. Like, wow awesome."

Phil (he's British. Yes, we resist temptation to nickname him 'Pip' too.) snorted his energy drink out of his nose, then actually laughed when Lisa shook up and belted Kenny around the head with her clipboard.

And to top it off?

"Isn't that your roommate?" Phil asked me. When I nodded, he said: "And you didn't tell him that Lisa Dawson's gay?"

Surely you understand why I must keep a record of these events.

You know.

For posterity.