A.n. I wanted to do this at school but I never got around to it. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. How sad.

Elphaba flopped back on her bed with a pained groan. Tomorrow was her most despised holiday of them all. The most over celebrated, frilly, disgusting festival she could imagine. Valentine's Day.

She put up with it every year, most of the time not only did she have to put up with extra obnoxiousness from girls getting gifts from their darling boyfriends, there was also Nessa moaning that she hadn't gotten anything from a secret admirer. And there was the occasional hurt when people mocked her for not getting anything. It was a pointless day which annoyed the hell out of the green girl.

Suddenly an idea came to Elphaba. Smirking evilly she sat up, drew her pen and paper and began to write.


Avaric approached his dorm room, with his valentine's box outside for messages from love-struck girls to place their messages of desire in. He smirked at the thought of how many messages he would have, and the fun he would have sifting through them.

He picked up his box and entered his room, tipping the box out onto his bed. He smiled proudly; there were over thirty notes inside. "Eager aren't we ladies?"

He picked one up and began to read. A few notes in he read one and choked.

'Roses are red, violets are blue
I have Chlamydia, and now so do you.'

Avaric looked at the note for a long moment, then threw his head back and screamed.


Fiyero Tiggular approached his room and groaned to see his valentine's box overflowing with letters. He did like to be admired, but sometimes it got a little… too much. Still, it would be good to beat Avaric. The man was a very annoying victor.

He sighed tiredly and began to sort through the letters. Some he threw away without opening, judging these by the state of the paper (ripped out of someone's book for example). After about ten minutes of reading he came across one which caught his eye. He recognized that handwriting.

'Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.'

Fiyero laughed, "Elphaba, you're just cruel." From down the hall he heard a scream.


Boq bounced towards his room, eager with anticipation. Perhaps Miss Galinda had left him a valentine's note, recounting how she could never pluck up the courage to say it to his face, but she loved him and wanted to marry him and be with him for the rest of her life.

What? No one ever said he was realistic.

When he saw his valentine's box his heart sank; there were only a few letters inside. As he looked at them he realized that one was from Miss Nessarose, but one was unmarked. He opened it curiously.

'With loving beauty you float with grace
if only you could hide your face'

Boq took one look at the letter and burst into tears.


Pfanne entered her room smirking, carrying a bulging box of valentine's letters. Shenshen was close behind her carrying an equally full box. They were holding a little contest to see who had the most romantic valentine note.

Pfanne began to read through her letters, occasionally letting out an 'aw' and putting the odd note in her pile for consideration. Her last note looked very promising; it was on creamy white paper and written on in fine calligraphy. She read the note and did her best not to whimper.

'Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
this describes everything you are not.'

Pfanne quickly put the note in her pocket for disposal later and concealed her bruised ego at the horrendible letter.

Shenshen sifted through her valentine's box, smiling at the number of boys who had written her a letter, though she was somewhat guilty when she didn't know who some of them were. She came across one letter that made her first gasp in mortification then giggle a bit.

'I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!'


Galinda Upland entered the room she shared with Elphaba Thropp hysterical. "Elphie! It's horrendible! My letter box was only half full! What am I going to do? How can I face everyone? How can-"

She was cut off by the green girl, "Your letter box was overflowing so I took the liberty of emptying it for you."


"The rest of your letters are over there." She said, pointing to Galinda's bed, where there were so many letters that Elphaba doubted some people had stopped at one letter.

Elphaba sat back on her bed again, burying her face in a book to hide her smirk.

After about five minutes a piercing scream came from across the room. Elphaba tried to compose her face into a look of concern and looked up, "What is it Galinda?"

Galinda read the note tearfully

"'I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.'
Who could say such a horrible thing?"

Elphaba was now desperately holding back laughter, "I don't know, but it's quite a clever poem. It even rhymes."

Galinda pouted, "You're so mean Elphie… Oh my Oz, it was you!"

Elphaba dropped the pretense and fell about laughing. Galinda growled and proceeded to beat her green friend with a pillow.

"AAH! Stop! I'm- sorry!" Galinda ceased her assault.


Elphaba grinned, "The look on your face was really funny though."

Galinda gave a grudging smile, "Did you just send me one?"

"That would be telling." Galinda picked up her pillow. "No! You, Avaric, Fiyero, Boq, Pfanne and Shenshen." Elphaba snorted, "I can't wait to see Avaric's face."


"He thinks he's got a STD."

Galinda gaped, "Miss Elphaba you are wicked!"

Elphaba laughed, "Yeah, but it's fun!"

Galinda shook her head despairingly, "Have you checked yours?"

"No." She rolled her eyes, "I wouldn't even have put it out if you hadn't made me."

"I'll go get it!" Galinda squealed and raced out the door. She was just as excited when she reentered, "Look Elphie you got some!"

Elphaba shook her head and took the box, picking through the letters. "Let's see, 'Green is gross.' 'You are disgusting.'… Can I stop now?"

Galinda was serious now, all her hyperactivity gone, "Elphie…" She breathed sadly.

"It's okay Galinda, I'm used to it. Putting the letter box out was like painting a target on my backside."

Galinda ruffled through the box, "This one looks okay." She said, holding out a letter on creamy paper.

Elphaba took it wearily and opened it. A few seconds later she burst out laughing, "Oh Oz, Fiyero, you are pure evil."

"What, what is it?"

"'My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe 'Go To Hell'."

a.n. So, what do you think? I didn't do Nessa cos I don't think Elphaba would do that to her, if she sent a letter to father then Elphaba could be sent home.

Please review! I love reviews!