CAPTAIN AMERICA HAS SIGNED IN
007IANTO HAS SIGNED IN
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What do you mean "bordering on the avant-garde?"
007IANTO: Hello to you too Jack.
007IANTO: What are you on about?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I've been talking to Martha.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. Oh.
007IANTO: Why are you upset with me? You talk about our sex life all the time.
007IANTO: To anyone who will listen.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'm not upset because you talked about it... I'm upset because of what you said.
007IANTO: What I said?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. I want to be PROPER avant-garde damn it.
007IANTO: Oh I see.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Do I satisfy you, Yan?
007IANTO: Of course you do. Do you seriously have to ask that, Jack?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'm sorry... I guess I just feel insecure.
007IANTO: Jack... you know I love you, don't you?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. I love you too. But I still want us to be avant-garde.
007IANTO: Jack it was just an off the cuff comment to Martha. Our sex life is amazing.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes it is... remember the time you dressed up like a school girl for me?
007IANTO: How could I forget? I never realised how uncomfortable bras could be.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You looked so sexy in it though – especially the stockings...
007IANTO: You're making me blush... I liked you in your RAF uniform better.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hmm you like being interrogated by a man in uniform, Mr Jones?
007IANTO: Oh yes.
007Ianto: I mean no. It's absolutely terrifying Sir ;-)
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh don't you know what that does to me when you call me Sir.
007IANTO: Of course I do, Sir. Why do you think I'm saying it?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You're a naughty, naughty boy, Ianto Jones.
007IANTO: You love me for it, Sir.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes I do.
THEDOCTORHARPER HAS JUST SIGNED IN
007IANTO: Remember the time when I fucked you on the perception filter?
THEDOCTORHARPER HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION
007IANTO: OMG Owen saw.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: LMAO! ROLF!
007IANTO: It's not funny, Jack!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Sorry baby
CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was a tiny bit funny though
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Aww my baby's cute when he blushes.
007IANTO: I am not cute.
007Ianto: And don't call me baby.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Whatever you say gorgeous.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ianto?
007IANTO: Yes, Jack?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Are you sure it's just innovative?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: All the stuff we do together... role play; bondage; tantric sex; fetishes; dressing up for each other... is that not avant-garde?
007IANTO: No Jack. It's fantastic; incredible; definitely innovative but it's just not quite avant-garde
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ianto?
007IANTO: Yes, Jack?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: How can we be avant-garde?
007IANTO: This is really important to you isn't it?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. Bordering on the avant-garde is the equivalent of giving me a big fat "must try harder" on a homework assignment.
007IANTO: It's hardly the same thing.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: To me it is.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Please Yan.
007IANTO: Ok Ok. I'll challenge you, Jack.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ooh I like a challenge.
007IANTO: I'll ask Tosh, Owen and Gwen one question each. If you can come up with a way to combine all their answers into one sex act – I'll officially tell Martha you're avant-garde...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ok...
Ten minutes later...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Welcome back gorgeous.
007IANTO: Ok... are you ready for this? It's not going to be easy.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I was born ready. And we'll see about that.
007IANTO: Ok – well first of all I asked Tosh what her favourite hobby is; then I asked Owen what his least favourite thing about this job is and then I asked Gwen who her favourite film
CAPTAIN AMERICA: And the answers...
007IANTO: Well... Tosh loves to cook. She loves baking cakes.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Cake baking... ok well that's an easy one.
007IANTO: Gwen's favourite film star... rather worryingly is Leonard Nimoy...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: The guy who played Spock in Star Trek?
007IANTO: Yeah – apparently she had some weird crush on him as a teenager.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I worry about that girl sometimes.
007IANTO: Me too. Anyway – then I asked Owen his question and apparently his least favourite thing about this job is the number of "team bonding" exercises you make us do;
specifically "Karaoke Night."
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Really? I thought he liked Karaoke Night.
007IANTO: No Jack, nobody likes Karaoke Night.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Nobody? Not even you?
007IANTO: Sorry, Cariad. Not even me.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh thank God. We can stop going then. I only keep going because I thought you lot enjoyed it.
007IANTO: Lol. Owen will be pleased.
007IANTO: So – are you ready to accept your challenge, Jack? Can you come up with a sexual activity involving baking a cake, Mr Spock and karaoke?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Why Mr Jones, I do believe the game is on. I'll see you tonight.
007IANTO: This I cannot wait to see...
CAPTAIN AMERICA HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION
007IANTO HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION
DOCTORMARTHA HAS SIGNED IN
CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE HAS SIGNED IN
DOCTORMARTHA: Is that you, Jack?
CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Oh yeah :D :D :D.
DOCTORMARTHA: What's with the name change?
CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Ianto says he'll tell you about it later... he's busy at the moment.
DOCTORMARTHA: Busy doing what?
CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Cleaning cake mixture off the kitchen floor... and his Starfleet uniform...
DOCTORMARTHA: Do I want to know?
CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: ... can you do me a favour Martha?
DOCTORMARTHA: Sure, if I can.
CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: I need you to make a note on Ianto's medical file... exposure to Barry White songs may provoke extreme sexual arousal:-)
DOCTORMARTHA HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION
CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Was it something I said?