Friday

CAPTAIN AMERICA HAS SIGNED IN

007IANTO HAS SIGNED IN

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What do you mean "bordering on the avant-garde?"

007IANTO: Hello to you too Jack.

007IANTO: What are you on about?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I've been talking to Martha.

007IANTO: Oh?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. Oh.

007IANTO: Why are you upset with me? You talk about our sex life all the time.

007IANTO: To anyone who will listen.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'm not upset because you talked about it... I'm upset because of what you said.

007IANTO: What I said?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. I want to be PROPER avant-garde damn it.

007IANTO: Oh I see.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Do I satisfy you, Yan?

007IANTO: Of course you do. Do you seriously have to ask that, Jack?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'm sorry... I guess I just feel insecure.

007IANTO: Jack... you know I love you, don't you?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. I love you too. But I still want us to be avant-garde.

007IANTO: Jack it was just an off the cuff comment to Martha. Our sex life is amazing.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes it is... remember the time you dressed up like a school girl for me?

007IANTO: How could I forget? I never realised how uncomfortable bras could be.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You looked so sexy in it though – especially the stockings...

007IANTO: You're making me blush... I liked you in your RAF uniform better.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hmm you like being interrogated by a man in uniform, Mr Jones?

007IANTO: Oh yes.

007Ianto: I mean no. It's absolutely terrifying Sir ;-)

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh don't you know what that does to me when you call me Sir.

007IANTO: Of course I do, Sir. Why do you think I'm saying it?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You're a naughty, naughty boy, Ianto Jones.

007IANTO: You love me for it, Sir.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes I do.

THEDOCTORHARPER HAS JUST SIGNED IN

007IANTO: Remember the time when I fucked you on the perception filter?

THEDOCTORHARPER HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION

007IANTO: OMG Owen saw.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: LMAO! ROLF!

007IANTO: It's not funny, Jack!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Sorry baby

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was a tiny bit funny though

007IANTO: *blushes*

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Aww my baby's cute when he blushes.

007IANTO: I am not cute.

007Ianto: And don't call me baby.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Whatever you say gorgeous.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ianto?

007IANTO: Yes, Jack?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Are you sure it's just innovative?

007IANTO: What?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: All the stuff we do together... role play; bondage; tantric sex; fetishes; dressing up for each other... is that not avant-garde?

007IANTO: No Jack. It's fantastic; incredible; definitely innovative but it's just not quite avant-garde

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ianto?

007IANTO: Yes, Jack?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: How can we be avant-garde?

007IANTO: This is really important to you isn't it?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes. Bordering on the avant-garde is the equivalent of giving me a big fat "must try harder" on a homework assignment.

007IANTO: It's hardly the same thing.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: To me it is.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Please Yan.

007IANTO: Ok Ok. I'll challenge you, Jack.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ooh I like a challenge.

007IANTO: I'll ask Tosh, Owen and Gwen one question each. If you can come up with a way to combine all their answers into one sex act – I'll officially tell Martha you're avant-garde...

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ok...

007IANTO: BRB.

Ten minutes later...

007IANTO: Back

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Welcome back gorgeous.

007IANTO: Ok... are you ready for this? It's not going to be easy.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I was born ready. And we'll see about that.

007IANTO: Ok – well first of all I asked Tosh what her favourite hobby is; then I asked Owen what his least favourite thing about this job is and then I asked Gwen who her favourite film

star is.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: And the answers...

007IANTO: Well... Tosh loves to cook. She loves baking cakes.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Cake baking... ok well that's an easy one.

007IANTO: Gwen's favourite film star... rather worryingly is Leonard Nimoy...

CAPTAIN AMERICA: The guy who played Spock in Star Trek?

007IANTO: Yeah – apparently she had some weird crush on him as a teenager.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I worry about that girl sometimes.

007IANTO: Me too. Anyway – then I asked Owen his question and apparently his least favourite thing about this job is the number of "team bonding" exercises you make us do;

specifically "Karaoke Night."

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Really? I thought he liked Karaoke Night.

007IANTO: No Jack, nobody likes Karaoke Night.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Nobody? Not even you?

007IANTO: Sorry, Cariad. Not even me.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh thank God. We can stop going then. I only keep going because I thought you lot enjoyed it.

007IANTO: Lol. Owen will be pleased.

007IANTO: So – are you ready to accept your challenge, Jack? Can you come up with a sexual activity involving baking a cake, Mr Spock and karaoke?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Why Mr Jones, I do believe the game is on. I'll see you tonight.

007IANTO: This I cannot wait to see...

CAPTAIN AMERICA HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION

007IANTO HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION

Saturday

DOCTORMARTHA HAS SIGNED IN

CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE HAS SIGNED IN

DOCTORMARTHA: Is that you, Jack?

CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Oh yeah :D :D :D.

DOCTORMARTHA: What's with the name change?

CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Ianto says he'll tell you about it later... he's busy at the moment.

DOCTORMARTHA: Busy doing what?

CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Cleaning cake mixture off the kitchen floor... and his Starfleet uniform...

DOCTORMARTHA: Do I want to know?

CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: ... can you do me a favour Martha?

DOCTORMARTHA: Sure, if I can.

CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: I need you to make a note on Ianto's medical file... exposure to Barry White songs may provoke extreme sexual arousal:-)

DOCTORMARTHA HAS LEFT THE CONVERSATION

CAPTAIN AVANTGARDE: Was it something I said?