So I failed at updating after a week, but two weeks ain't so bad, right? And this chapter comes with Jasper's penis, so... it's not all bad right. I swear, I panic over every chapter, that it's not as funny as I think it is, or that I'm not explaining myself or whatever. Luckily for me Leelan Oleander is the best cheerleader a girl could ask for, and she didn't even laugh at the absolutely horrible typing job I did on this chapter. Seriously. But you should have seen the hand-written starter, where I repeatedly misspelled words. It's like I'm regressing.
This story is rated M for language, adult themes, some smexin' and highly disturbing content. And apparently an over-abundance of urban dictionary references. I'd apologise, but you're the freak who's reading this.
Disclaimer: I wanted to say something witty about how I don't own twilight… but instead I'm going to tell you about the car that I don't own. It's invisible, doesn't exist and gets great gas mileage. Seriously, I went driving this weekend b/c I'm trying to learn how to drive standard... I miss driving! I never do it anymore.
"What the fuck are you doing here, Alice?"
I sneered her name as she reached out once again, trying to wrap her dainty little fingers back around my now completely limp dick. I nipped that shit in the bud though, wrapping my fingers around her wrist and applying just a little more pressure than necessary with my thumb and forefingers, pinching the tendons in her wrist and causing a small whimper of pain to escape her deceitful little mouth. I ain't never hit a woman outside of battle and I wasn't about to start now, but I'm enough of a bastard to admit that I took no small amount of satisfaction from the flash of pain and hurt that trickled out of the little bitch behind me.
Fast as a flash, I had turned both of us around and wrenched her arm up behind her as I marched her Prada-wearing ass out of the bathroom. Before she had enough time to protest or even react, I released her arm with a shove and slammed the bathroom door behind her, engaging the lock with a sharp click. Sure, it was a bit redundant, seeing as a locked door wouldn't actually deter her, but it sent a clear message for her to stay the fuck out. I could only hope she'd take the not-so-subtle hint.
I hopped back in the shower to rinse the remaining suds off my body and took a moment to mourn the loss of what would probably have been another glorious session of self-abuse before shutting off the water and quickly drying myself off. I eyed the discarded jeans and boxers on the floor, contemplating how nice it would have been to have a clean pair, before quickly putting them on. I wasn't about to parade around in a towel for my harpy of an ex-wife. She'd get the wrong hint and either try to molest me or dress me, neither of which I was in the mood for.
I briefly wished that my shirt had made it into the bathroom with me before I shrugged, remembering how much Alice disliked seeing the patchwork of scars that covered my torso. I contemplating stalling in the bathroom for a few more minutes but decided there was no use delaying the inevitable. I was also curious as to why now, of all times, the cunt decided to make an appearance.
I squared my shoulders and exited the bathroom and made no effort to hide my annoyance at her unexpected visit.
"Jazzy-poo! Why do you smell like whores?" she screeched, her usual levels of manic excitement bubbling over, slightly tainted by confusion and disgust, but overall failing to conceal her unease at the sight of my scars. I could only imagine the 'whores' she was smelling on me was some combination of strip club and Bella. I shifted back and forth uncomfortably, hoping that she wouldn't pick up on Bella's scent. I had only been around her briefly, so I'm hoping my shower was enough to disperse it. I held up my hand to silence her as I levelled her with a glare so menacing I'm sure she would have pissed herself if it was possible. Ignoring the second part of her statement, I started laying down the law.
"First of all, don't fucking call me Jazzy-poo, I'm not a fucking pet. Secondly, don't ever presume to touch me again or I will rip your hand off and burn it before you can ever register what's happening." I paused, taking an unnecessary breath as I made sure he tiny little brain could understand the words that were coming out of my mouth. Her wide eyes and the fear she was emanating told me that something other than this year's latest Jimmy Shoe models were sinking in. "And third, I asked you a fucking question and I expect an answer. What. The Fuck. Are you doing here?"
Here eyes widened even further, giving the comical appearance of one of those china dolls Char used to collect. As if a switch had flipped, she appeared to be back to her normal over-confident, bubbly self even though I could tell that it was just a façade.
"Well, Jasper," she emphasised my name. Did she want a fucking cookie or something? "I just haven't been able to see you very well in my visions and you never answer your phone, so when I saw a vision of you here I couldn't help but come and see you myself. I wanted to make sure you were alright; you never came back!"
Was she serious?
"Alice, we were married for a long time, and in that time did I treat you well?" She nodded cautiously.
"Did I put up with your incessant shopping?" She looked confused but nodded again.
"Did I ever raise my voice at you?" She shook her head, still completely clueless.
"Did I ever raise a hand at you? Disrespect you? Show you anything but love and devotion?"
"No…" she apparently found her voice, but confusion still laced her voice.
"Do you think I'm weak? Stupid? Do you think that you're better than me?" I was struggling to maintain an event one and at least pretend to act civil toward her.
"Jasper, I don't—"
"So, when you handed me divorce papers and told me you were disgusted by me and didn't want me around you or your family…" Realisation began to dawn on her features and I could feel her underlying frustration that things weren't going the way she expected.
"Did you think that I would come crawling back to you, begging for you to take me back? I'm sick of you and your fucking games, Alice."
"But, Jasper, I love you. I just thought that it would be better for the family if you went your own way for a while. After everything that happened –"
"You mean 'The Bella-Birthday-Snack incident?" I snickered to myself, remembering Bella's reaction to those words before. I paused for a moment, part of me enjoying Alice's disgusted expression, the other part of me recalling her earlier admission. She can't see me very well lately, which probably means she doesn't know what I've been up to lately. This could be interesting, time to see what kind of information I could get out of her. While I was lost in thought, she had started speaking again.
"Really, Jasper, there's no need to be so glib about it. You attacked my best friend, your brother's mate." I snorted to myself, wondering if she had any idea of what my real brother was up to.
"How is your best friend these days? Does she still put up with your manipulative ass? Have you been having fun moulding your little Bella Barbie into the perfect companion for that dickless Ken-doll you call a brother?"
"I don't know," she whispered, her head hung low.
"Excuse me?" I sneered at her.
"I said I DON'T KNOW!" She was screaming at me now. "We can't find her. I can't really see her anymore either, just like you I only get flashes of her. When we show up to find her though, she's never there. There is no trace of Bella Swan anywhere, no one has seen her. No one in Forks knows where she is and those stupid mutts won't let us near her father to find out. Edward and I have spent years looking for her." She cried out in frustration as she shook her head from side to side.
It wasn't news to me that Bella wasn't with them but…and once again my slow-ass brain caught up to the present as realisation coursed through me. I got the magic stick. I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice. I hit the baddest chicks. Fucking Peter. I winced, knowing somehow that he was at fault for me knowing the lyrics to some awful rap song about dicks.
"You didn't bring that little virgin boy wonder here, did you?"
"No, he's on his way to Seattle right now, tracking down a lead on Bella's whereabouts." I could feel the sincerity in her words and I relaxed, trying to get the stupid song out of my head knowing that he wasn't nearby to glean any information from my thoughts. I knew where Bella was, and I couldn't help but assume that she didn't want to be found. I briefly pondered why not, but then shuffled that out of my head, knowing that for the most part it was none of my business. It sure would have been nice of Peter to fill me in on that tidbit though. I hoped that he and Bella were on their way out of town so they wouldn't accidentally cross paths with Alice.
"So, let me get this straight, you kicked me out of your family so that Edward could have his Bella, and now that you can't find her, you figure it's safe for me to come back?" By her sudden burst of hope, I could see that I was on the right track. Batshit crazy, she's fucking bat shit crazy. I didn't know vampires could go insane but clearly, she has gone insane if she thinks I'm going to go along with that.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to stay away for a few months; Edward would swoop in and protect Bella from Victoria. You would come and help in the battle and we'd all reunite, no hard feelings and we all live happily ever after." She seemed so matter of fact about this that my infinitely vast vampire mind just boggled at her sheer audacity and the magnitude of 'WTF' that statement inspired. I wonder if Carlisle was aware he had a deranged vampire in his coven.
"You left a human, your best friend and Edward's mate vulnerable and unprotected, knowing that an angry vampire hell-bent on revenge for the death of her mate was after her? Are you fucking stupid?" I was hissing at Alice, completely confounded by the gall of her. Did she have a vision that this would all end happily, because I can't see any future where that would be the case.
"Well, she wouldn't have been after Bella if it weren't for you. You are the one who killed James after all." She harrumphed and crossed her arms over her non-existent chest as if this whole thing was so obviously my fault.
"Gee, Alice, I'm sorry, would you have preferred I sat down with Bitey McPyschofang and explained to him that it wasn't nice to bite Edward's human. 'I understand we maybe didn't explain this before, but that one's not food, it's just for decoration.' For fuck's sake, he threw her around like a ragdoll and bit her, what was I supposed to do?"
I knew that I was taking out my anger on Alice, and although she deserved a world of hurt, I should have know better than to leave half of a mated pair alive. Not only was it stupid and dangerous, but it was just plain cruel.
"What happened anyway, did Edward stop to check his hair and miss the fight?" I laughed to myself, knowing that wouldn't be too far-fetched for Eddie-boy.
"I don't know, I couldn't see the fight until it was too late and then she was in the hospital and then she disappeared. Those stupid dogs blocked my visions." She growled and actually stomped her foot. Poor little princess didn't get the Barbie she wanted for Christmas and instead got a big slobbering, stinking mutt tearing through her presents. Wait, there's something to that analogy, but before my mind could make the connection she was speaking again and her high pitched tone was grating on my nerves.
"I mean, how ungrateful is she? We paid all her hospital bills and were busy organising the perfect reunion when she broke into the Forks house and her dogs urinate on Edward's piano before setting it on fire!" Her face was scrunched up in obvious disgust. Poor little Alice, Bella had upset her delicate sensibilities.
"Wait, I thought you couldn't 'see' the dogs?"
"I can't, but I could smell it! I mean we get back to the house all laden down with wedding gowns for Bella when I'm assaulted by the stench of Bella and burning wolf urine."
I burst out into laughter, Bella really does have balls of steel, Pete was right.
"Of course, after he calmed down, Edward forgave her. We both understand that hanging out with such uncultured filth could negatively influence her, but once we find her and she is reunited with Edward we will make sure she understands that such uncouth behaviour is not becoming of a lady. Perhaps as penance for her ungrateful behaviour we will enrol her in etiquette classes. Oh! And we could have a debutante ball when she re-enters society as a woman worthy of gracing Edward's arm."
I fully lost it, and nearly fell on my ass laughing as I pictured the Bella that I had recently become acquainted with attending etiquette classes.
'Dearest sir, wouldst thou kindly go fornicate with thyself. Or perhaps your lordship would prefer to perch thy bottom upon my delicate middle finger whilst though spinnest about?' Oh god, I can picture her all dressed in Emily Post approved tweed suits or dainty 50's housewife dresses while she politely explains to some old biddy what a Cleveland Steamer is. Diagrams included.
I reckon she would even lift her dainty little finger while sipping tea and explaining to her sewing circle what a Dirty Sanchez is.
Alice was giving me strange looks while my mind kept looping through similarly absurd scenarios.
"I don't mean to burst your bubble there ya pint-sized psychotic psychic, but I reckon maybe you can't find her because she doesn't want to be found. Maybe the thought of 'gracing Edward's arm' as you put it, isn't as appealing now as it was when she was seventeen."
"Of course it does," she snapped, "Bella belongs to Edward; she just needs to learn her place."
My non-existent blood boiled at the gall of the delusional crap that my ex-wife was spouting. It brought me back to one of my few human memories involving one of our farm hands. I had seen him smacking his wife and when I asked why he told me that she hadn't had dinner ready on the table when he got home. Never mind the fact that he had drank away his entire pay check and she had no money to buy food; his woman needed to learn her place. That kind of behaviour disgusted me then and it disgusts me now.
I couldn't help but wonder how Alice's assessment of Bella and Edward's relationship reflected on our previous relationship. Knowing that physical violence against me was a very bad option, she had kicked me out of the family as chastisement until I learned my place. Unfortunately for her, my place is wherever I choose to be, which no longer involves her or the farce she calls a family.
I largely tuned Alice out as she spent the next few hours expounding on how Bella should simply accept that her future was to be by Edward's side. Of course she was still in love with him, she was lucky he was willing to expend the effort to find her. He should just leave her alone and wait for her to come crawling back to him when she realised her life was miserable without him, but he loved her even if she wasn't deserving of it. He and Alice didn't think it right that she might have to work just because she was going through some rebellion.
'A woman shouldn't have to stoop to such degradation when her ultimate career should be wife.' On and on she went as I drew my parallels with what I had said previously to both Bella and Peter. God in Heaven, I hope I never sound like as much of a self-righteous uptight ass as she does.
I'm not even sure she realised that I wasn't paying attention as she kept going on and on about how difficult Bella was being. And how frustrating it was that her visions of Bella were sparse and fuzzy and how many near misses they had had. How dare she make them go to such effort to find her and make sure she was living in a manner becoming of a Cullen?
Interspersed within her incessant whining about Bella were chastisements directed towards me. I should dress better, why was I staying at such a mid-class hotel? Did I expect her to fit all her luggage in a room with such small storage space, and 'how can I expect her to hang Chanel, Chanel, on the cheap wire hangers the hotel had provided'. Don't remember inviting you, bitch.
On and on she went, and then she begins on how when I go back to the Cullen's home with her, they will forgive me, and she can dress me in some proper clothes instead of these ratty jeans. Blue jeans? Didn't I know that they were out of style, and with my bone structure I should…
After trying repeatedly to explain to her that we were not getting back together and that I was not moving back with the Cullens, and 'no I did not want to wear the damn khakis she brought me,' I finally lost my temper.
"Fuck you, Alice. Get the fuck out of my life and stay out. And I'm glad Bella has managed to evade you; she deserves better than being arm candy in some kind of fucked up Cleaver family reunion." Ignoring her gasp of 'Language, Jasper', I slipped on my shirt, grabbed my jacket, keys and phone and stormed out of the hotel room. Fuck whatever else is left there, it could be replaced but my sanity could not and if I had to listen to another moment of her fucking delusions I was going to seriously lose it.
I made a quick detour by the front desk on my way to the garage to retrieve my bike. The attendant looked halfway between amused and horrified when I explained to him that somehow a 13 year old girl had found her way into my room and convinced herself that we were married and meant to be together forever.
I smirked to myself as I hopped onto my bike and revved the engine, looking forward to getting home. Home. Somehow, it wasn't an image of my house that came to mind at the world, but a memory of Bella sitting on my couch animatedly arguing with me about revisionist history. I had a feeling I'd let her argue with me about anything that would spark passion in her eyes and erase the look of disappointment that she had levelled at me when we last parted ways.
I really enjoy trying to provide you with amusing A/Ns, and its probably not always successful, so instead I'll tell you that while writing this chapter I was listening to the soundtrack from Across the Universe, which while awesome, was not appropriate in any way shape or form. However, I had to listen to something to get the Mean Kitty song out of my head. So damn cute that little mean kitty. (It's on youtube)
Shit I googled for this chapter? The lyrics for 50 Cent's Magic Stick. Never thought I'd need to do that. My life is sad sometimes.
I do have a question for my readers. I may completely disregard your answer though. I'm trying to think my way around telling the story of how Bella and Peter first met. Peter really REALLY wants to tell it, but the problem is, he doesn't get a POV in this story. So options include:
A) Bella tells the story, kinda vaguely maybe, and we cross our fingers for a PPOV outtake of the encounter. Trust me, it would be epic hilarious from Peter's perspective. It involves zombies. OR
B) Bella, Peter, Char and Jasper are all sitting around while Peter tells the story, but we're hearing it through someone else's head. So we get the hilarious narrative, but maybe lack some of his more colourful internal comments. You know if the shit that comes out of his mouth is bad, the shit he doesn't say would be even worse.
Anyways, just some thoughts, I'll probably ignore what you all have to say, if anyone does in fact respond to my question, and write it the way the characters make me. And if you're wondering what *I'm* reading, well I just re-read The Quiet Room by givemesomevamp, but my daily excitement comes from updates of Flesh and Blood by JizzyHips - it's a collab, and it involves Mrs. Cope thinking about vibrators.