Title: Seireitei Communication's Advice Column

Fandom: Bleach

Rating: T, for mild adult situations and language

Description: The Seireitei Communications has an advice column with different guest columnists. A little bit of crack for fun.

Disclaimer: Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

A/N: You know how there's something you're supposed to do but instead you do something completely different? Yeah, I do that all the time. So lazy…


Hello this is Shuuhei Hisagi, acting chief editor of the Seireitei Communication. As noted in the last issue we have Renji Abarai, lieutenant of Squad 6 answering your questions and giving advice! Joining him is Rangiku Matsumoto, lieutenant of Squad 10. I didn't tell you that she was going to be here before because I didn't want to read through a billion questions about boobs.


There's a girl that I really like but I can't get enough courage to ask her out. What can I do to help me get to that step? – Cowardly Lion

Well CL, my suggestion is sake. Lots and lots of sake. Then you go up and tell her you like her. That way, if she says no, later you just pretend that you were so wasted that you had no idea what you were doing. – Renji

I would say the opposite. Give her sake. Lots and lots of sake. When she's good and drunk then you go and talk to her. You'll seem charming, suave, attractive, whatever it is that you want. If it doesn't go well, then just hope that she gets so wasted that she doesn't even remember the next day. The bonus of this is you can do it multiple times to try and perfect your technique (have you ever seen Groundhog's Day?) – Rangiku


I really like my captain. He's super cute and amazing in every way. How do I get him to notice me? – I Heart my Captain

Ok Heart, which captain are you talking about? That really guides my answer. I mean, if it's Captain Kyoraku, it's not like there's a lot to do there. Just don't fend him off next time he attacks. Most of the captains seem to be fairly shy about their love life, and I can just never get him…them…to open up to me and tell me what they think, so I can't really give you any advice. Good luck! – Renji

Heart, what captain? It better not be mine! He's mine! Well, not really, but I'm very protective of him and I will come after you. He is not interested in you or anyone else. Um, if it's not then…oh my god what if it was Captain Kurotsuchi? Wouldn't that be gross? So…good luck. – Rangiku


Have you ever noticed that your lieutenant is supposed to be working but instead they are working on something stupid, like an advice column? – Anonymous

Er…I'm going to assume that this is Captain Hitsugaya because I would never ever work on this during my work hours. In fact, I've been staying in extra hours all month to get everything done, so there's really no reason to get mad at me. Right? – Renji

Renji! It has to be Renji because I'm way too good of a lieutenant to get caught…er…to do outside work instead of my office work. I've been trying very hard to get everything done and the only reason it hasn't gotten finished is because…there was a storm and I was lost and then I…lost my puppy…then I got sick? Something like that. Believe me. – Rangiku


You're so cute! I have such a secret crush on you but I don't really think I'm your type. What kind of animal do you like? What's your favorite color? Do you dye your hair? – Secret Fan.

Take it easy Secret Fan (aka, Stalker). For those reading this I cut out about a dozen questions. I doubt my sleeping habits and underwear are things I should be talking about. Um, I like lots of animals. I like big dogs, like Huskies. I like black, it's cool. Dark glasses are super hot and I love my tattoos. NO I DON'T DYE MY HAIR, and no I'm not going to prove it like you suggested Stalker. – Renji

Well, you didn't know I'd be answering questions but I am anyways, Stalker. I love cats; sensual, aloof, beautiful, graceful. Wait…I don't find cats sensual, that makes me sound gross. I just think that I am sensual and I am like a cat so…ok, stop laughing at me Renji. I love pinks and reds. They are romantic colors and feminine. Of course my hair is natural, ALL PARTS OF ME ARE NATURAL AND AMAZING. EAT IT STALKER WHO IS NOT STALKING ME BUT RENJI FOR SOME REASON. – Rangiku


Next time we will have Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa answering questions. Yumichika just told me "about anything" with a wink but Ikkaku just hit him.