A Batman One-shot by Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: No I don't own Batman, and no I'm not writing this for money. But of course, in the very unlikely event that someone from DC spots this and offers me a job, I'm certainly not going to say no.
Ah, Batman, Batman, Batman. Bats is always Bats, ya know? He doesn't change. Well, sometimes he does, little fluctuations you might call em. Depending on his mood, he'll beat the crap outta Puddin' and give me a whack or two without a word, or other times he'll be counterin' everything we say, bantering with us. Well, mostly me.
Typical male. Thinks they can save the girl.
Well all right, that's a generalization, but Bats is both very like most men, and very unlike. Most men would've probably offed my dear sweet Mister J by now. I mean, he did off one of his kids! That was before my time, but the way Puddin' just went bash bash bash on the Bird Boy sticks in my mind, as he's always been happy to demonstrate how it went down!
Where was I? Oh yeah, Batman. Ya gotta give him credit-He's a nice guy, deep down. Doesn't do it for kicks, he does it to stop the fun we're having but provides more fun than without him! I can understand that, but it ain't something as simple as doing the right thing for him, no. It's personal. It's deep.
Well it is doing the right thing, but it's deeper than just that. That's the fun part!
Something wronged him deep, hurt him. Whoever he was before Batman, and there's no way he wasn't someone else (though Mister J likes to imagine he just popped outta his mom with cape and all and then loves to imagine beatin' Bat Baby silly with a mallet-He's got a real way with kids!), it's gone now. Or should I say, transformed. It's Batman. Something happened. Something made him, forged him you could say.
And all those toys, toys, toys! Jets, batarangs, grappling hooks, everything's gotta come from somewhere. Dough makes the world go round into donuts, as Mister J says, and Bats has gotta have a lot of dough. My guess is family money. Old money. Long, long history with this town.
I bet he grew up hearing about how his ancestors built such and such or funded this and that and did which way and that way and every way for Gotham. He doesn't consider it something to just protect. There's a reason they call him the Dark Knight, after all-It's his. He's connected to it, part of it. The blood of his ancestors runs through this town to him, and like all those fancy shmancy knights outta fairy tales he charges through on a black steed defending the innocent in the name of the moon!
(Mister J always loved that game, but hates how Japan keeps tryin' to out weird him. It's just not fair, why do they get to have all the fun? We've been meaning to go on vacation, our anniversary after all. It probably skipped his mind, don't blame him, I'll just have to drop some hints...)
Anyway. Batman again. Old money and lots of it. Family history with this city, upper class but not the kind to flaunt it, no. We're talking active civic involvement here, duty, honor, all sorts of stuff like that. Tragedy at a young age, involving crime, involving Gotham. For it to be this deep seated, had to have happened young, and I mean young. Probably as a kid.
Hrm... Narrows it down, don't it? And that chin of his, not too many have that.
Me tell? No, why would I? Mister J is smart enough to put the pieces together himself, but I bet I know why he doesn't want to. It'd just spoil everything! Bats is the interesting part. Bats is who Bats is. Whoever he is when he's in fancy Armani suits or million dollar sports cars, some painted up actress on his arm-That's not him. There's the mask. And if it was pulled off, then that would just get everybody else in the way. Reporters, celebrities, police, everybody. The game would be up, it would be changed, and who wants that?
Mister J doesn't want that, and I don't want that. Sides, why not take it a little easy on the guy? I meant it when I said he was a nice guy, always willing to put up a fight and make life worth living for Puddin' and myself! We're a team, a balancing act with exploding bananas and pinned seals! A great drama, actors on stage with live ammo (Puddin' always knows how to liven up a night at the opera!)!
Who'd wanna end that?
Just off the top of my head.