A/N: screw timelines not being in synch! Anything is acceptable in the name of crack!

Basically, crack pairings galore, without things like 'plot' or 'story' or 'setting' getting in my way. Send requests!


C.R.A.C.C. Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: Dating Lives of Teenaged Robots

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!


"WHAT!" Ala Alba cried, staring at Evangeline. "Chachamaru went on a date?"

Evangeline stuck a finger in her ear. "Keep it down," she growled at them. "I don't want to lose my hearing to you people doing an Emiya Shiro impersonation."

"How did that happen?" Chisame demanded.

Evangeline eyed the hacker warily. "Why do you care?"

Chisame glared at the vampire. "It's a valid question. How the hell did she end up on a date that wasn't with Negi?"

Evangeline raised an eyebrow, looking amused. Chisame rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, we were all thinking it!"

Everyone else shuffled nervously, except for Haruna who was nodding knowingly and grinning wide in a way sharks had trademarked.

Hakase coughed. "Um, my doing. You see, Chachamaru wanted more varied social experiences, so I set her up with a specialized dating service."

Asuna tilted her head quizzically. "A dating service?"

Hakase nodded. "Have you heard of the Computerized Relationship Arrangement Coordination Company?"

Chisame stared at her in horror. "You sent Chachamaru with those lunatics on C.R.A.C.C.?"

Hakase blinked. "What?"

"HAKASE, YOU IDIOT!" Chisame cried. "Please tell me this at least wasn't a blind date?"


Chisame facepalmed. "Chachamaru is doomed."


"A most unforeseen rendezvous," Chachamaru said politely as she and her date sat outside at a rather pleasant café. The cool evening breeze ruffled through her long hair, dissipating her heat and assisting with her cooling system as she accepted the glowing drink her companion had offered her from a container. "Though I must say, this 'Energon' is quite refreshing. I apologize if I was not the sort of companionship you were expecting."

Her date, a rather attractive girl in a two-tone yellow dress, with dark skin, red hair and brilliant blue eyes, shrugged easily enough. "Eh, it's my own fault. I didn't fill in my own form properly. They didn't really have a box for 'girl-shaped super robot' though, so it's probably still mostly their fault."

"A distinct possibility," Chachamaru said. Her preparation for this information gathering mission had included extensive reading from various books she'd found among the Master's library, though she'd thought she'd be meeting with a male of the human species, not a female of a non-human one. One bit of advice in one of the cheaper books entitled "Easy Scoring by Barnabus Stinson" was for a man to always agree with a woman, so as to lubricate social interaction an assist in the goal of 'getting laid', whatever that was. The book had been vague. Chachamaru wasn't sure if the rule applied to her, as she wasn't male, but given the context of the situation, she supposed it would do for now. "Never the less, I hope to be able to provide you with a satisfactory evening."

The girl– technically still her 'date', she supposed– blinked at her. "You still want to go on?"

Chachamaru nodded. "I wish to understand more of human social interaction, especially the ritualized encounter known as a 'date'. If you are willing, we may still continue with one."

The girl looked at her in puzzlement, then shrugged. "Eh, what the heck. I did sign up because I was bored. Robot-girl on robot-girl date? Sure, why not? We can give it a shot. Name's Sari. Sari Sumdac. And you?"

"I am called Chachamaru," the tea-girl said. "Karakuri Chachamaru. A pleasure to meet you…"

They talked. Sari tried the burger, while Chachamaru tried more Energon. As they ate, they talked about the usual things…

"I used to be a lot smaller," Sari said, indicating a height with her hand. "But I got myself an upgrade, and here I am. You?"

"This is actually my first major upgrade," Chachamaru said. "My former shell was not as dermarealistic."

"Huh?" Sari said, confused.

"My skin didn't look real," Chachamaru simplified. "This was amended, along with my onboard weapons systems."

"OOH!" Sari said, eyes wide and interested. "What are you packing?"

"My forearms both contain a heat-lance blade and an energy blast weapon," Chachamaru said.

"Mine too!" Sari said happily. "Well, lightsaber tonfa, technically, and I haven't been able to get them to blast since I got them, but I only need a little more practice. And I still have my key…"

Chachamaru tilted her head sideways curiously. "Key?"

"Here, let me show you…"


"The back of your head? Are you sure?"

"Yes, it is my interface port for my own key. It is perfectly safe."

"Well, let's see… Hey, it fits! Gotta love Transforming technology. Now, let's just give it turn, and I can show you what–"


"Chachamaru! Are you all right?-!"

"Y-yes!" Chachamaru panted. "Please, continue…"

"Um, okay. Now, we just turn–"

"Oh, yes!"


"More! Turn it more! Give it to me!"

"Well, if you're sure…"

"Oh, yes! YES!-!-! SCREW IT IN! SCREW IT IN!"


Next week…

Hakase stared down at the readings in her hand, then looked up at the concerned pair of robot girls. "Well, congratulations are in order, I suppose. Chachamaru, you're pregnant."

"WHAT?" Sari cried. "How did that happen?"

"You tell me. What did you two do?"

"Well, I showed Chachamaru my key, and she let me put it in her… I screwed it around a couple of times… she really seemed to like it."

Hakase stared at the girl, then rounded on Chachamaru. "You let her screw you on the first date? And neither of you even thought to use some sort of interface protection? Chachamaru! I expected better of you!"

"I'm sorry, mother."

"Go to your tube, young lady, you're grounded!" Hakase turned to Sari. "As for you… we're going to have a little talk about you taking responsibility…"


A few months later…

"Congratulations!" Hakase cried, holding up the little half Techno-organic Transformer, half magic android alt. "It's an iPod!"


- To be continued...


A/N: All in the name of Crack.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.