A/N: More crazy dates! Also, check out Ala Iridia, a group account I'm a part of, here on this site!


C.R.A.C.C. Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 8: Dating Lives of Those Who Rainbows Are Straighter Than

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!


Subaru whistled cheerfully as the author made no attempt to try and obscure her identity by use of vague pronouns and descriptors. Shari had recommended this service to her, and while she didn't really get the point, she'd said it was a good way to make new friends, and that was always good.

Some distance away at Long Arch, Shari frantically tried to recall the backdoor safeguards she'd built into Cross Mirage as a pissed off tsundere ran after her, shooting.

As Subaru waited with a smile of her face, wearing a headband that made it look like a flower was sticking out the top of her head, a pretty girl with long dark hair rushed up to the tea house she was sitting in front of, panting slightly.

"Are you Nakajima-san?" the girl asked, looking distressed. "Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late, but I missed the first train here. I hope I didn't make you wait too long."

"Oh, no, it's fine, Konoe-san," Subaru said. "Call me Subaru."

The girl smile, getting her breath back and calling a waiter as she sat herself opposite the other girl. "In that case, call me Konoka."

In another place, a really old man with a head shaped like a gourd ran for his life, frantically trying to remember his spells as a pissed off bodyguard with a crush chased him with her sword. He knew he should have reviewed his spellbook that morning…

As the two daters chatted and ordered tea from the still-unnamed store that really needed to get named one of these days, several people lay huddled in the conveniently thick, large and obscuring bushes.

"I don't get it," Caro said. "Why are we spending our time following Subaru around on her day off?"

"In case she gets lucky," Hayate chirped happily, her camera with long range mic attachment ready.

A few feet over, next to a couple of ninja watching two blue-haired girls be all awkward and not look at each other for a good three hours, Asuna munched on her sandwiches resignedly as Haruna and company used Kazumi's Artifact to keep an eye on Konoka. She held out one to Erio. "It might be a while. You should keep up your strength."

"Oh, thank you," he said, smiling, and Asuna firmly squashed the idea that he looked a lot like Negi. That way lay madness…

Subaru and Konoka chatted vapidly for several minutes as they drank and ordered some brownies (one in Konoka's case, a dozen in Subaru's). After a while, they stood up to leave, and their various friends stalking them had to negotiate around all the other friends stalking people in the bushes to follow them. They jumped over a bunch of teenagers in garish clothes from a Peter David comic watching a girl made of mist and a girl dressed like a ninja bat, past several figures in black coats taking notes on the activities of a blonde woman with cockroach hair and a woman with short blue hair, and around several girls with significant names and several siblings whose names stared with 'D' watching a man in archaic clothes at the same table with a naked morbidly obese, ugly woman with a barbed ring.

They got out of the crush in time to see the two running off on rollerblades.

"Curses!" Hayate cried. Everyone gave her weird looks. "What? I always wanted to say that."

When they caught up with them, the two were in the middle of a movie, which was the heartwarming story of an idiot trying not to get killed by his future self while getting enough event flag points to get lucky with the Tsundere Zettai Ryouiki girl. They both stared at the screen with weepy eyes, holding hands tightly.

Haruna and Hayate were promptly thrown out of the theater for 'SQUEEEE'-ing too loudly.

After the movie, the two left to head for a restaurant for dinner, chatting the whole while.

"So," Konoka asked as they ordered. "Why are you here?"

"Oh, a friend of mine suggested it," Subaru said. "She said it was a good way to meet new friends. Though she sent in the form before she told me…"

"I know that," Konoka laughed. "My grandfather did the same to me."

They shared an annoyed sigh.

Their stalkers watched as they ate, still laughing. They had dessert, shook hands, and went their separate ways.

Their friends blinked. "That's it?"


The next day, Subaru was back at the café, her friends once more in the bushes.

"Just how many requests did she accept?" Tea growled.

"I didn't see any action last night!" Hayate wept, her camera still at the ready.

"Quiet!" Tea snapped.

"I'm your superior officer!"

"It's my day off," Tea snarled. "Sir."

"Wah!" Hayate cried. "Vita, Tea's being mean to me!"

"No, that dress doesn't make you look fat, honey," Vita said blearily.

Everyone blinked, staring at the knight.

"I was very frustrated with yesterday," Hayate smiled widely. "She didn't get much sleep last night."

Erio and Caro blinked. "What does that have to do with anything?" Erio asked

"What positions did you do it in?" Caro asked.

"What?" Erio asked, confused

"What?" Caro said innocently.

"QUIET!" Tea cried. "The target has appeared."

"Hello!" the new girl said as she arrived. "I am Starfire! Are you Miss Subaru?"

Over in the next bush, a boy with a bird name and a girl with a bird name were twitching in synchronization as they spied on the table.

Tea leaned over to them. "Your girl?" she said, pointing.

"Yes," they both said tersely.

"Did you punish who did it?" she asked.

Somewhere far, far away, a Titan wept at all the mud, spaghetti and steak sauce, and slime that had been poured all over his car.

"To start," the boy said.

"Lucky you," Tea muttered.

They went back to watching.

The two girls were, of course, getting along well.

"I think is can actually feel my teeth dissolving at the sweetness of it all," the girl in the leotard and dark blue cloak said. She paused a moment, then turned to the boy next to her. "You realize this means she's into girls, right? I win."

He glared at her. "She could be bi."

"No one ever buys that, friend," Hayate said. "It could be true, but no one will ever buy it."


"Hi!" the red-haired girl said. "I'm Chizuru! Pleased to meet you!"

"My, what a coincidence!" the long-haired, busty girl fondling the length of spring onion said. "My name is also Chizuru. Tell me, do you like home remedies?"

"Ah, sure?" the first one said, not having really paid attention even during her introductions. Kami, those are HUGE!

"Ah! Finally, a believer in traditional medicine," Naba Chizuru. "Would you like me to try some on you?"

"Uh, sure," Honsho Chizuru said, mesmerized by… well, you know. Thus, she missed the evil glint in her date's eyes…


Einhart Stratos sighed, wondering why she had agreed to this. With Vivio dating some prince or other now (see a few chapters ago!– Always-wanted-to-do-that SCM), her friends had, in their attempt to help, set her up with this dating service to try and take her mind off things.

"Excuse me?" a voice said to her. She looked up and her heart stopped. "Are you Einhart Stratos-san?"

"Y-yes," Einhart said, barely managing to sound coherent. The girl in front of her was… cute. Very cute. She was about Einhart's age, cute in a little sister Puni Plush kind of way, her smile wide, sincere and infectious. It vaguely reminded her of… whatshername, green and red eyes… eh, not important. "Y-yes, my name is Einhart Stratos. I'm Einhart Stratos-san."

Hiding in the bushes, Rio, Corona and Nove all facepalmed

The girl just giggled, however, settling on the chair across from Einhart. "Nice to meet you, Einhart-chan! I hope we can be friends. I'm sorry I'm late, but we were really busy at my family's shop today, and I ended up waitressing longer than I thought."

"Oh? Your family runs a restaurant?" Einhart said, mentally kicking herself for sounding like an idiot.

"We run a café, actually," she said, waving to a passing waiter and ordering some juice. "Our cakes are the best!"

"I would like to try your cake sometime, ah–" Suddenly, Einhart blushed. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't quite get your name…"

"Nanoha!" the girl said. "But you can call me Nanoha-chan!"

"All right… Nanoha-chan," Einhart said, thinking perhaps this wouldn't be so bad after all. Though she wondered what was bugging her about the name. it seemed kind of familiar.

Bah, if it were important, she'd have remembered it.

"By the way, Einhart-chan," Nanoha said. "After eating, do you want to go to the park and do that?"

Einhart nearly fainted. Such a forward girl!

In the bushes, Fate twitched. "First that Negi person, then this girl… No one shall take mai waifu from me!"

Bardiche was crying. "My precioussss Raging Heart! How am I supposed to compete with a snow leopard plushie!-?"


"Well, I don't get to see Fate-mama much, " Vivio said as she and her date chatted outside the cafe. "Her work takes her far away a lot, and when she's home, I'm usually in school. But she says that's going to change soon!"

Chachamaru smiled slightly. "You're lucky. Mother went back to the future to avoid criminal charges from trying to expose magic to the world. I haven't seen her since."

Some things ran in families even when they weren't related.

Vivio's eyes went teary eyed. "Oh, you poor thing!" she said. Such sad eyes! I must do something! Wait! What did Nanoha mama tell me to do when this happened...?

"It's all right, " Chachamaru said. "I'll always have my memories of her, and... Vivio-san, why are pointing your hand in my face?"


Unfortunately, people skills was one of them.


In a motel, Subaru, Konoka and Starfire lay naked under the blanket, staring at the ceiling.

"That was fun!" Subaru said.

"Let's do it again!" Konoka agreed.

"Indeed!" Starfire said. "Perhaps friend Robin and friend Raven would wish to participate this time instead of merely hiding in the bushes."

"I wonder if I can get Setsuna to talk Tsukuyomi into coming along…" Konoka mused.

"The more the merrier!" Subaru cried. "One more round?"

"YEAH!" the other two agreed.

And with that, they went back to playing Super Smash Brothers, Magical Girl Siscalypse Edition.

"And after this, more sex right?" Subaru said.

"Of course!" Konoka chirped.

"Be defeated by my Magical Girl Green Lantern, noobs!"


- To be continued...


A/N: Reviews power me! The more reviews I get, the more I can write!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.