Summary: Bella's just got the worst news anyone can get - shes got one year to live. However, instead of being devastated and giving up, she vows to enjoy the time she has left and makes a list of everything she wants to do. However, when Edward and his family move to Fork's all those plans change. Through Alice's visions, he knows Bella's his true love, and is determined to prove that to her. She's reluctant though - knowing she hasn't got long left. Little does she know he's got a secret of his own, and this secret might just change her fate... if she allowed it that is. An AU vamp story. Very romantic and sweet story thats drama filled, and full of surprises. Characters are slightly OOC though.
Disclaimer for the whole story: The characters are all creations of Stephenie Meyer, not me.
Oh, and side note: Bella might seem a little OOC in this. But bear in mind that she's been through a lot, and has had a very different life to the Bella in the books. When the story progresses we'll see a lighter, more fun side to her.
Every chapter will be named after a song which I think fits the mood of it. All the links to the songs will be on my profile along with some extra ones, so feel free to listen. They may help get you in the mood for the chapter.
Anyway, this is my very first fanfiction and is rated M for things happening later on. I hope you all enjoy the story.
"It just ain't living,
And I just hope you know...
That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you..."
~ Cancer, My Chemical Romance.
To Wish Impossible Things.
I had spent my life living by quotes that I had read in books, or seen in films. Most of my seventeen years had been spent believing the words that others had spoken, and most of them affected me in one way or another. But never had one line had so much significance than this one I had just discovered by Madame de Stael…
"We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love." ~Madame de Stael
I understood it clearly, because it summed up my life in just one line.
After years battling to overcome my illness, I found out for certain that it was beating me – and one year ago today, I was told I had one year to live. And even though, I truly believed my life was over there and then, in reality – it was only just beginning.
Because it was after that day that I met him… and everything changed.
He helped me achieve my goals and live the last year the way I'd wanted too. He taught me everything, including how to love – and in return, he absolutely adored me. I had never believed in love to be honest, but after being with him, I finally knew what people were talking about. And it was incredible.
And when he told me the truth about what he was, it didn't matter to me. He was still my Edward no matter what and whether he was human or not, nothing was ever going to change that.
I wanted to be with him forever, but of course my body had different ideas, as I now lay here in this room, dying. But it was okay… I had accepted that this was my fate a long time ago, so the thought of dying didn't scare my anymore.
The only thing that scared me was leaving him behind.
Edward had never coped well with the knowledge that I was dying, and I would constantly find him deep in thought, clearly tormented with something going on in his mind. I soon learnt to never ask what was bothering him – as I never got my answers.
"Please say yes, Bella… please stay with me, don't leave me." He begged through his tearless sobs as he clung onto me, kissing me gently all over my face.
He had given me the option to become like him – undying and immortal. And to be honest, I didn't know what to reply to his question… I hadn't ever longed to be immortal, I had always believed in a beginning and an end. And to me, dying young was clearly just the fate set out for me.
I had always heard my friends say they wished to live forever, and to never get old, but it just reminded me of another quote I had read-
"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." ~Susan Ertz.
So here was my dilemma-
Did I long for immortality? No, not at all. I didn't want it for many reasons.
But did I want to be with Edward forever? Yes, it was all I wished for.
I don't know what to do. I whimpered in my mind, as the dark abyss continued to suck me under. I knew I had to make my decision soon… as time was running out.
And any day now, the choice might just be taken from me.
"Someday I'll be a weather-beaten skull resting on a grass pillow,
Serenaded by a stray bird or two.
Kings and commoners end up the same,
No more enduring than last night's dream."
One year ago…
I had always hated hospitals.
I hated everything about them. The smell of disinfectant. The atmosphere, the noises, the colours, the monotone, quiet voices of people as they came to terms with whatever reason they were there for - whether it was for them or for a loved one.
I hated that they basically represented death… a hospital was where you were born but also where you – mostly – died. I hated that every time I came here, I wondered if I was ever going to be able to leave again.
But you know what I hated the most? … the solemn, sympathetic look on the doctors face when he was clearly about to give you bad news.
It was written all across Dr. Snow's face as he sat opposite me, in the small treatment room I had been in many times before. He was silent, as was I, and the only sound filling the room was the ominous ticking of the clock, as well as the noises from the people outside the room. My dad Charlie was out there – I always preferred to get my results alone, but I had no doubt he was anxiously pacing, probably more nervous than me.
I had accepted this a long time ago.
I had no choice.
After another painfully slow minute Dr. Snow finally decided it was time to deliver the news to me. I could see in his expression that whatever he was going to tell me upset him and I understood that his emotions were genuine – he had been my doctor for many years now. He'd been there right from my first diagnosis, and he truly was desperate for me to get better.
He opened his mouth to speak, and before the words had even come out, I knew exactly what he was going to say.
"I'm afraid I have bad news for you today, Isabella."
Yeah, I was right.
"Unfortunately your cancer has returned, just like you suspected, but this time it's a lot more advanced." He stopped to clear his throat for a moment, "it seems to have spread to a lot more of your body and unfortunately that means-"
I zoned out on his words then, and tried to ignore them. I didn't want to hear him anymore.
As much as I knew this was coming, I had somehow hoped against hope that my subconscious was wrong, and that really I was going to be alright. I did deserve it after all… I had been fighting this leukaemia for so long.
But I guess that's the whole point… you can keeping running and keep fighting but in the end you're going to get caught.
"There's nothing more that we can do for you," he paused, "I'm sorry Isabella, but this is… its terminal."
I nodded, and took a sharp breath in, noticing how shaky it was because of my tears. There was an aching, sinking feeling in my chest, and I felt horribly sick all of a sudden and fought to keep it in. I desperately wanted to get out of here and this hospital while I still could, but I had one question for him first.
"H-How long?" I whispered, hoping he would understand what I meant.
Luckily, he did. "A year, maybe more, maybe less – it's not really clear yet," he explained quietly.
I nodded numbly, feeling bitter at that thought. A year was nothing really, was it? I had already lived seventeen, and they had passed quickly, so a year was going to feel like nothing in comparison. And how much of that would I spend suffering in pain?
Probably the majority I thought miserably.
"There are of course options," Dr Snow continued explaining, "We could start with some more chemotherapy right away. The cancer is too progressed for it to remove it, but the chemo could shrink it – and possibly extend your life by another six months to a year."
"No, no chemo," I told him. I didn't want to go through that again… if I was to only have one year left I didn't want to waste it feeling sicker then I should. I wanted to enjoy as much of it as I could, away from the hospital if possible.
He sighed, almost as if he was expecting me to say that. "I know that chemotherapy can seem like a daunting thought, but right now you've just had some sad news. Please make sure to think this through – it really could extend your life by a lot," he explained to me gently.
"There's nothing to think about," I told him, "I don't want it."
He nodded, "We'll talk about it another time. I'm so terribly sorry about it all, Isabella, I really did wish this could turn out differently," he told me sadly, as his own eyes misted over with tears.
I offered him the best smile I could, and brushed the tears away from my cheeks, "It's not your fault; I guess this was going to have to happen at some point huh? I've been prepared for it, so it's okay… really." I told him gently, before standing up, suddenly impatient, "So can I go home now?" I asked.
He looked surprised at my boldness, "of course you can. But don't you have any more questions to ask first?"
Not right now, I thought to myself immediately, "If I think of any I'll call the hospital or ask you at my next appointment," I told him, before pausing for a moment - "thank you," I whispered sincerely.
He nodded but didn't say anything, and I took that as my cue to leave. I quickly made my way out of the room and down the corridor to where I knew Charlie would be. My tears were now completely blurring my vision and my legs were shaking but somehow I continued to walk forwards determined to be strong.
It was the way I had been my whole life after all…
My life itself had never been easy by any means – I was born in the small town of Fork's where I still lived on September the 13th, nearly 18 years ago. My parents were Charlie and Renee Swan, who were young and only just married. However my mom left years ago, claiming that she felt trapped, and left me behind with Charlie. That wasn't a bad thing though, because me and Charlie have always been very close, and after a while Renee did get back in contact via phone calls.
My life was good… it was simple, but I enjoyed it.
Until everything changed.
It was when I was 12 years old that I started getting joint pains, and constantly felt tired. Charlie thought it was normal at first, but when I didn't get any better he took me to see the doctor. Instantly tests were run on me, and it wasn't long before I got my diagnosis.
Acute Lymphoblastic leukaemia.
I went through every type of treatment possible – chemotherapy, radiation therapy, bone marrow transplants, and every time doctors started to believe I was getting better, the cancer would return in full force and the treatments would start all over again.
Renee's phone calls occurred less and less and one night I woke to hear Charlie arguing on the phone with her – apparently she couldn't cope with the thought of me having leukaemia and therefore wanted to lose contact. That was probably one my lowest points – I was a scared, 14 year old girl who was battling cancer and didn't even have the support of my own mother. I wondered what I had ever done to deserve a life like this.
But it wasn't long after that, that I started to get a bit better. And once I got the all-clear, the hospital stopped my chemotherapy, giving my hair a chance to grow back and the opportunity for me to properly attend high school.
I made my friends, began achieving good grades, and finally felt like things were looking up. By this point it had been years since Renee had made contact, but it didn't bother me so much anymore. I only loved Charlie even more though for always being there for me.
However, like in all good stories – all good things have to come to an end.
I began feeling ill again, and instantly knew that my cancer had returned. Only this time, I knew right from the start that this was it. I had overcome it too many times before, and surely now my luck had run out.
And of course, I was right… and here I am in the hospital, sobbing, feeling heartbroken as I tried to find Charlie. I had managed to keep my calm in front of Dr. Snow, probably because it hadn't really hit me then. But it had in full force now, and despite the fact that I knew this news was coming – it still hurt so much to know that this was it.
I was seventeen, and I had a year left to live.
There were still so many things I hadn't done that I've always wanted to do. Things that I'll never get to do now.
I've never gotten drunk… got a tattoo… stayed up for 24 hours straight… travelled outside of Washington state… have sex… hell, I've never even been kissed.
I made a vow right there and then to create a list of all the things I want to, and to try and fulfil as many of them as I could before my time runs out. It would start with all the things I had just thought about and end with so many more.
After all… how can you die, when you've never really lived?
Back in Dr. Snow's office I chose to refuse the chemotherapy because I want to really live my last year, and no one was going to change my mind on my decision.
I finally made my way to Charlie, and when he saw my expression and my tear stained face he instantly knew what the news was. His face turned into a mirror of my own, and we both cried in each other's arms right in the waiting room, not caring who was watching.
I was having my moment of acceptance now, and was allowing myself to cry - just this once. I vowed that Charlie wouldn't see me cry again – he didn't deserve to see that. And I would be stronger for him from now on… and I would be brave.
After all, I could scream, I could cry and I could yell about the injustice of all of this… but it wouldn't change a thing. I would still be in the same situation as I am now. This was my fate, and I had to deal with it.
However what I could change… was how I spent my final year.
So when I got home that night, I went straight up to my room wrote the list.
It was my list of what I wanted to do this year.
And it went like this…
1. Celebrate my 18th without complaining.
2. Get drunk, perhaps at a party.
3. Get a tattoo just for the sake of it, and get a piercing.
4. Go somewhere outside of the state.
5. Stay up for 24 hours without sleep.
6. Try dating and see how that works.
7. Apply for college to see who would accept me – apply for ambitious options, not the safe ones.
8. Spend more time with my friends, and perhaps try and meet new people.
9. Try more sports, read more, watch more films, eat what I want when I want etc…
10. Make it to graduation and go to prom.
More would be added, but for now this was it. As I sat in my bedroom, writing the list down I really did believe that this was all my life would entail from now and I was okay with that.
But little did I know… I was going to be getting something even better than this - something that I wouldn't even dare to wish for because it seemed so beyond my reach.
Something or rather someone… who would change everything.
Next chapter preview:
That was when it happened.
Alice's visions came out of nowhere, surprising me and her. I watched them through her mind though, feeling compelled to do so for some reason.
And what I saw rendered me speechless…
An extraordinary beautiful, young, brunette girl was standing, outside the entrance of our house we were moving too. She was waiting patiently for something, glancing up at the front door. And then I appeared… my smile wide as I saw her. Her smile turned the same as mine, only making her even more beautiful.
And then what happened next stunned me even more…
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Thanks for reading.