A/N- Hi there :) thanks again for the lovely reviews! They really are appreciated. I didnt have time to reply to everyone individually, but with this chapter I will be replying as soon as I get them, so if you have anything to ask, just go ahead!
I've now got a Twitter where I'll be posting all sorts of things to do with this such as pictures, longer teasers etc. Find me under the username - Janey90 and let me know that you're from here and I'll follow you back :) seriously do just come and say hi, I would love to hear from some of you!
So yeah, here's chapter thirteen and we're back to Bella. Please let me know what you think with a review! Even if its just a short one!
"Open the door, and show me your face tonight,
I know it's true, no one heals me like you.
And you hold the key…
Never again would I turn away from you.
I'm so heavy tonight, but your love is alright,
And I do believe.
That not everything is gonna be the way,
You think it ought to be.
It seems like every time I try to make it right,
It all comes down on me,
Please say honestly, you won't give up on me,
And I shall believe.
I shall believe,
And I shall believe."
~ I shall believe, Sheryl Crow.
+ I'll never leave you (instrumental), Dying young.
To Wish Impossible Things.
I curled up on my side, fed up with the lack of sleep I was getting. I must have been here for well over an hour by now, and I hadn't even come close to drifting off… there was too much going on in my head right now. I fisted my sheets in my hand as I bit my lip desperately trying to fight off the tears that were fighting the way to the surface yet again.
To say that today had been a difficult day would be an extreme understatement - I would probably describe it as one of the most harrowing, upsetting days of my life. When I decided to tell Edward the truth, I expected a strong reaction of course, possibly with a little upset and then a little anger at me for not telling him before.
But what I didn't expect… was the reaction I got.
It literally broke him - and left him truly horrified and devastated. His reaction was stronger then my own when I found out my fate, and the reason for it was simple…
He loved me.
He told me how he felt before I delivered the awful news, and even though I didn't necessarily believe him at first, his reaction to my news proved that it was truth…
Edward loved me.
Just like how I loved him.
And suddenly, dying wasn't what I was scared of… it was leaving Edward behind that was my main fear. I knew for certain if the situations were reversed that there would be no way I could cope with losing Edward, so I really did feel bad for him.
Because when I eventually died, that would be it for me. But Edward… he would live on with the pain and memories, and even if he did move on, he would always have them - have me - in the back of his mind, until the day that he followed me.
I knew if the situation was reversed, that there would be no way I could deal with Edward dying. I don't think I could live on, knowing in the back of my mind just what I had lost… who I had lost.
Not to mention, I wouldn't have a clue how to act around him while he was sick…
In one way I was relieved that he finally knew the truth, so I wouldn't feel guilty for hiding it from him. But at the same time I really worried about our future… now that he knew about my cancer would he treat me different? He said he would be there for me, and I knew that he meant those words, but what was going to happen when I deteriorated and got really sick? Would he be able to stay with me when I have to go into hospital, and I'm barely even able to talk to him anymore?
Would he be able to cope with watching me fade away? When he be able to see me at my worst and in a lot of pain? Will he able to sit to sit to one side and accept that there was nothing he could do to help me?
I doubted it very much.
He was young and wonderful and deserved the world… so I didn't want him to be held back by me. Yes, he was in love, but maybe those feelings would fade over time. So maybe if I separated myself from him now, it would give him the opportunity to enjoy his senior year and to look forward to college.
He could get out guilt free, and could move on. Simple right?
But there was one problem… the thought of not being with him and possibly having to see him with someone else caused horrible pain through me, far worse then anything I'd ever experienced.
It was incredibly selfish of me… but I needed him. Now that I'd experienced love, I didn't know how I'd ever coped without it… without having someone like Edward in my life. If he were to be taken from me now, I know for certain that I wouldn't be able to cope.
So here was my dilemma… I loved him and so, so desperately wanted to be with him, but at the same time I didn't want to hold him back and wanted him to have the life he deserved to have.
And so, I didn't know what to do. Follow what my head was telling me and walk away from us? Or follow my heart and fight to be with him no matter what?
I turned over in my bed so I was facing the window. It was dark outside now, and had been for hours. I had lost track of what the time was, but at a guess I would say it was close to midnight. I could hear some noises outside, such as the wind, and the branches of tree outside hitting my window. They were noises that would normally irritate me, but tonight I welcomed them.
It made me feel less alone.
By this point I had given up on Edward coming to see me, he had said he was going too, but I never really took his word seriously. He probably wanted some time alone or some time with his family to process what he had found out. I would call him tomorrow and see what the situation was… if he wanted to see me then I would see him and talk to him about everything. It would help me make my final decision on what I was going to do.
I finally closed my eyes and decided to clear my mind as best I could so I could finally get to sleep. Going to sleep would mean that tomorrow would come around quicker - so I could call Edward.
I turned so my back was facing the window and curled up on side, closing my eyes tightly to make sure no more tears fell.
However, I'd only been lying there for a minute or two when a noise from outside made me jump. I sat up in my bed looking towards the window just in time to see Edward climbing through.
"You're here," I gasped, completely stunned.
He jumped from the windowsill landing silently on my carpet, not even out of breath at all despite just climbing up the side of my house… or the tree.
"I'm here," he murmured, turning to face me, "I told you I would be."
"I know… I'm just a little surprised I guess," I admitted, "but happy though, I wanted to see you."
He smiled at my words, and moved so he was sitting the edge of my bed, "Me too, I couldn't wait until tomorrow."
He reached out for me, and I leant towards him, sighing when his hand found my cheek. He gently ran his fingertips across my skin as he leant his forehead against mine, closing his eyes as he did so.
"Are you alright?" I asked him softly.
"Yes, I'm fine," he replied, "are you? Do you feel okay?"
"I feel great now," I smiled, "I actually wanted to talk to you."
"About what?" he asked, pulling away slightly to look into my eyes, his hand still remaining on my cheek.
"About us… and what's going to happen to you and me now," I told him.
"Why do we need to talk about that? I already told you I'll be there for you," he replied.
I nodded, "Yes, I know that, but… I just…"
"I know what you're going to say and please don't," he murmured, "Bella, you will never be a burden to me. I love you, remember?"
"I know, and I believe you but its easy to say that now… while I'm still healthy," I whispered.
"What?" he frowned, surprised by my statement.
I sighed, "I'm going to get a lot sicker, Edward. Soon, I'll be just a shadow of myself, maybe even bedridden… will you be able to cope seeing me like that?"
His eyes widened, "Well, it will be difficult I know, but…"
"Exactly, maybe even too difficult," I cut him off, "I will really need you then, and I don't think I could cope with you decided to leave me later down the line."
At my words, his eyes softened in understanding, and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. "Oh, Bella, my sweet Bella. I love you more then anything, and I promise that won't happen. Why do you think I could just walk away from you?" he whispered against my hair.
"Because its easy for people to just walk away," I murmured as I snuggled against him, "you know my mom did that right? When I got sick she didn't stay here and look after me… she ran away. She ran because she couldn't bare the thought of not having a perfect daughter," I whispered sadly, hating to think it.
"You are perfect," he murmured.
"Not to her I wasn't," I replied.
"But to me, you are," he whispered, kissing my hair, "you're so brave, Bella. Not many people would cope with this the way you have, you should be so proud of yourself and not worry about her… she made her choice, and her choice was a huge mistake. She'll have the live the rest of her life knowing that she walked away from you, and the knowledge that she is a coward."
I lay there for a while, wrapped up tightly in his arms letting his words sink in, and when they did, I smiled against the fabric of his shirt.
"Thank you," I breathed.
"You're welcome," he chuckled.
I smiled, and cuddled even closer to him breathing in his sweet scent, feeling completely overwhelmed with how much I adored this man.
"I love you," I sighed. It was the first time I'd said it aloud, but I knew it was the most true thing I had ever said.
I felt him smile against the top of my head, "I love you too," he replied gently. "And I promise to you that I will never walk away… we'll be together until the end, I swear."
We stayed in each others arms for a while, talking about everything. He told me that he'd told his family about it all, having had no choice after causing a bit of havoc at his home which he didn't really elaborate on. I mentally made a note to ask Alice what he meant when I next saw her.
Hours passed, but I never bothered checking what the time was… it didn't matter after all, all that mattered was that the time was being spent well with Edward here.
I was currently lying on my bed as Edward had a look around my room, I had my eyes closed as I listened to his soft voice hum some soothing tune.
All of a sudden the humming came to an abrupt halt, and I opened my eyes curious to know what had made him stop.
"Bella, what's this?" he asked softly.
I sat up in my bed to see what he was looking at, and my eyes widened when I noticed he was looking at my list which was pinned up on the wall. It was my list I'd written back in July, with everything I wanted to achieve before I died on it.
I felt a blush forming over my face, embarrassed at him seeing it. What would he think? Would he think it was a stupid idea?
"You're blushing," he murmured, almost in awe, "okay, now I really have to know what this is about!"
"It's nothing, just some silly list I wrote," I replied nonchalantly.
"Oh yeah? What's it about?" he asked softly, as he made his way back over to me.
"It's a list of all the things I want to achieve… before I, you know," I murmured.
"Oh… I see," he replied, reading over the list. "How's it going so far?"
"Not as good as I hoped," I admitted, "I mean I got the tattoo and stayed up for 24 hours, and of course I tried dating which worked out great," I smiled, reaching up to run my hand through his hair.
"But I hoped to complete all of it… like for example, I want to be able to go out of the state and go to graduation. But I don't know if I can now," I told him sadly.
He nodded, seeming deep in thought for a moment, before looking up at me, a wide smile on his face. "I'll help you," he offered.
"Really?" I asked.
"Really," he grinned, "we'll complete everything on this list, and add even more things. We'll do anything you want to do."
"I would love that, thank you," I smiled.
"No need to thank me, sweetheart, I'll enjoy it. It will be fun," he replied grinning.
"It will," I agreed as I laid back against the pillows, feeling a little tired all of a sudden. Edward moved so that he was lying down facing me, so that our faces were just a couple of inches apart. He wrapped his arm around my waist holding me tightly against him, so there was no space between our bodies, and gently brushed his lips against mine.
I kissed him back for several moments, before pulling away to talk. "It means a lot to me that I can complete this list as I just want to enjoy the time I have left and make the most of it," I murmured, sighing as I felt his nose graze against my jaw, "it's like a quote I once heard. 'You don't have to live forever… you just have to live."
"Bella, I think that quote was from Tuck everlasting," he chuckled.
"Yes… don't laugh! The quotes really true," I laughed, secretly surprised that he knew that.
"Yes, it is," he murmured, "so… you've never dreamed of immortality? Of the chance to live forever?"
"No, not really," I admitted.
"Why not? Doesn't everyone want immortality these days? It would mean you could be young and beautiful forever and never have to worry about dying," he murmured.
"Yeah, well that's just it isn't it? If I'm this age forever I never really get to live. I would be held back wouldn't I? I mean, its not like I could go to college or get a job because people would notice that I'm not aging. And what about when people around me die, like Charlie for example? I would rather die myself then watch anyone else go," I explained to him.
"But if you were offered it now, considering your situation, wouldn't you take it? It would give you time to see the world, meet so many people… which you won't get to do this way," he told me.
"I still wouldn't want it," I insisted.
"You're so stubborn!" he growled, pulling away from me so he was sitting on the edge of the bed again facing away from me as he pulled at his hair in frustration, "I don't understand why you wouldn't take it."
Completely infuriated with him, I climbed out of bed and stood in front of him forcing him to look at me, "I don't understand why you're asking me this! I'm never going to have to chance to live forever, no one will! Instead I've got less then a year to live and I'm trying my best to make peace with it, so will you please stop rubbing this immortality crap in my face?" I yelled at him.
At my words his face immediately softened and his hands fell from his hair as he stood up and cupped my face in his hands. He apologised telling me he was just tired after a long day and that he didn't mean to upset me. I forgave him, but couldn't help but wonder what had caused him to act that way. Why was he so insistent on me agreeing with him? Was it just re-assurance that he wanted - me telling him that I would take immortality if it meant being with him?
Or was it something else?
After that we didn't talk much more, but instead he laid back down next to me again, promising to stay with me until I fell asleep. He held me close to his chest as he pressed kisses to my forehead and temple, murmuring how much he loved me.
I tried to fight off sleep as best I could - I had too much to think about after all, not to mention I loved being able to lie in his arms like this.
I felt so protected, so safe… so loved.
My plan was going well, until he started humming a sweet lullaby to me. His voice was so soft and soothing that I found myself unwillingly drifting off. I kept fighting it until I realised that it was a battle I was going to lose and found myself falling asleep in his arms, unaware of what was going through his mind at that time.
The next morning came quickly, and at Edward's request I went and spent the day with him and his family. Surprisingly, it wasn't at all awkward, with the whole family treating me normally, just like how I wanted them too. The only thing that was different was how they all greeted me with hugs, murmuring how happy they were to see me. Even Rosalie didn't seem as nasty as usual and actually smiled at me, before remaining in the background, not saying anything else.
I spent some time with Esme in the kitchen, before spending some time talking to Alice. She told me that when Edward got home he reacted in anger destroying the main room, but I honestly didn't notice anything different… except for the fact that the piano and the pictures on the mantelpiece were missing. I decided to forget about it, knowing that he only would have done these things because he was upset at the time.
After that, I decided to tell Alice about what had happened on Friday with Jessica and how nervous I was to go back to school because of the threat. Alice only smiled though and told me not to worry about it, which was confusing at the time, but I just assumed that it was because she was so positive and genuinely thought everything was going to be okay.
However, as it turns out, Alice was right.
There was no need to worry.
I went into school on Monday as calm as I could, prepared to deal with anything that happened. It was the first day of October so as far as I saw it - it was a new start. I could and would be brave if I had too, there was no reason why not.
However, to my surprise everyone at school treated me like they normally would, showing no signs of knowing the truth at all. I didn't get any sympathetic looks, or any whispered comments, or anything that hinted towards anyone knowing anything about it.
I carried on the day calmly, confused by everything, but still happy enough. I had Edward by my side, and things were now a lot easier now he and his family knew the truth. They would help me be strong if I had to be.
It didn't stop me from being confused though.
But when lunch came around, suddenly the truth became clear when Angela nervously made our way over to our table. Despite some hostile looks from a couple of members of the table, she bravely asked if she could talk to me alone, which I agreed too, curious to know what she wanted.
We made our way over to our own table - the one that the three of us used to sit at - and then told me that she was incredibly sorry for how she'd been acting. Apparently she'd heard stories from Jessica which including me saying nasty things about her, which she wasn't sure whether to believe so decided to keep her distance just in case. But then she saw what happened in the car lot on Friday and realised the truth… that it was Jessica who was the two-faced backstabbing one here.
She repeatedly apologised to me, and I eventually found myself accepting.
And then I found out why no one else knew about the cancer… apparently Jessica had left town yesterday. She didn't tell anyone why, but the rumour was that she just couldn't face living here anymore.
I was very confused at all of this, but when I made my way back to my normal table and told everyone about it, it all became clear.
The smile on Alice's face told me she'd had something to do with this.
But instead of being annoyed at her for intruding, I found myself hugging her, thanking her for being such a good friend. I didn't know what had happened and whether my suspicions were true, but I didn't bother asking. I didn't need to know.
The facts were the facts… Jessica was gone, hopefully for good.
Edward knew about my cancer but has promised to always be there for me - a promise that I now knew he would keep.
I had good friends who were going to be there for me… the Cullen family and Angela.
Everything was good at the moment.
The only thing that was bugging me was the conversation from the night before… something about the way Edward acted told me that he was hiding something. Why had he been so insistent on me agreeing with his question?
And why, oh why did he keep on changing the subject every time I bought it up yesterday when I was around his house, curious to know what had happened with him.
I refused to believe it was just tiredness or just mere curiosity.
Edward Cullen had a secret that he was hiding from me. And I vowed to find out what it was, even if it was the last thing I did.
Next chapter preview (subject to change)
"She's changed you Edward, for the better," she told me gently, "I think its time she found out what we are."
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