Disclaimer: We do not own Prince of Tennis, nor any of the characters in it.
This account is shared by Noël and Chantal. So is this story and plot.
Principal Os-Diputs beamed. "Please applaud for your new coach...Ms. Latnem!"
None of the regulars applauded. "But Sanada's our coach/buchou right now!" exclaimed Kirihara. "You can't just fire him!"
"He's a self proclaimed coach, Kirihara-kun," replied Principal Os-Diputs calmly. "Ms. Latnem here has coached several teams before and she is very experienced in psychology."
Ms. Latnem stepped out under the sunlight. She had long, straggly brown hair that framed her long oval face. Malicious charcoal black eyes gleamed. "Hello," she said, slurring her words. Knee-length black boots thudded against the pavement. "I'm Terreo Latnem or Ms. Latnem to you."
"Doesn't 'Terreo' mean terrifying in Latin?" asked Yanagi.
"SILENCE!" screamed Ms. Latnem who had whirled around to face him. "I wish to be a delightful coach, and talking back to me may allow me to change my idea. Anyways, I'm noticed that all of you are quite interesting psychological cases. You people are all addicts."
"We're not on drugs or alcohol and we don't smoke," Niou pointed out.
"SILENCE!" screamed Ms. Latnem again. "So I have decided...to let you guys get unhooked from your various addictions."
"What addictions?" asked Marui. "It's not like we're on anything, like Niou just said." He blew a bubble, yet Ms. Latnem popped it with her finger.
"YOU," she replied, staring Marui in the eye, "need to get unhooked from sugar. Sugar is bad for you, and especially bad for your brain. You, are an extreme addict, I have noticed."
Marui gasped. "Not sugar! I can't live without sugar! Sugar is my life! Sugar keeps me alive! If you take away my sugar, who will I live? NO!" He then took to bawling and punching the ground.
"Madame," remarked Yagyuu politely, "I seem to see where you are going. Sanada-kun needs to have a little more personality, Yanagi-kun needs to stop stalking people, Niou-kun needs to stop playing pranks, Marui-kun needs to stop consuming so much sugar, but then what do I have to do?"
Mrs. Latnem towered over him. "YOU, need to stop acting so gentlemanly. I HATE GENTLEMEN!" she screamed, her voice raising an octave and higher.
Yagyuu widened his eyes, though this act went unseen since his eyes were hidden behind his glasses. "I do not see what is wrong with being a gentleman, Madame."
"I am not going to talk to you anymore until you stop acting so gentlemanly," replied Ms. Latnem with a huff. She raised her nose up in the air and crossed her arms.
"Don't you diss Yagyuu-senpai," said Kirihara in an oh-no-you-didn't manner.
"I just did," replied Mrs. Latnem in a so-what-if-I-did fashion.
"You're going down!" shouted Kirihara in an I-am-going-to-slice-you-in-an-thousand-pieces-cook-you-in-a-stew-stab-your-body-a-thousand-times-and-curse-that-your-body-will-be-eaten-by-maggots-and-will-burn-in-Hell's-inferno way.
"You cannot do anything to me, little boy," answered Ms. Latnem a-matter-of-factly.
Kirihara's eyes immediately turned a scarlet red and he jumped on the new coach, bitch-slapping her and tearing her hair. She screamed. Sanada didn't even care, since Mrs. Latnem had insulted him and he wouldn't try to break them apart since it's not like he has any personality and even if he did, he wouldn't let anyone know, would he?
Principal Os-Diputs finally separated the two monsters after being scratched and kicked several times. "Sanada and Yukimura are the best buchous ever!" yelled Kirihara, whose eyes began to fade back to white. Sanada felt like bursting into tears and hugging Kirihara until he's out of breath but because he was a rock, and it's not like he had any personality anyways so he refrained from showing his inner self. GASP!
Ms. Latnem's gray dress was torn and her hair was all messed up. "This man is a devil!" she cried, waving her finger at Kirihara. "I will start with him first when I cure this bunch of monsters! Japan is such an idle and dangerous country, unlike old Britain, where I used to live!"
"You lived in England?" asked Yanagi.
Ms. Latnem adjusted her hair. "Yes, of course."
"According to my data," stated Yanagi, "there is a 69% chance you used to own an office back in England but moved to Japan because of financial difficulties. There is also an 86% chance that you are in your mid-thirties, which is quite old, by the way. Why aren't you married?"
"You STALKER!" cried Ms. Latnem. She was about to spring at said person but Principal Os-Diputs held her back.
"Touché," muttered Jackal.
Marui, who had recovered from his 'little spasm', blew another bubble. "I bet she isn't married yet because nobody likes her since she has such a psycho and scary personality."
Ms. Latnem looked like a volcano ready to explode. But she slowly breathed in and refrained herself. "Because of all of your behaviours, I have decided that all of you will be undergoing my psychological fix immediately, starting tomorrow. We will begin with Kirihara. So long, you little monsters. Adieu." She walked to the main gate angrily and elegantly, but suddenly slipped on a banana peel and fell on her face.
Niou smirked. "My mistake."
A/N: This is our first crack fic. Unless you've noticed, Os-Diputs backwards is 'so stupid', and Latnem backwards is 'mental'. So Ms. Latnem's full name is actually 'terrifyingly mental'. Pretty cliché. There is going to be a chapter on each of the regulars, except for Yukimura, because if you hadn't noticed, he did not appear in the chapter above. He has gone to the hospital for another long check-up. By Noël and Chantal.