A/N: Uh...this is another idea that stemmed from SmackDown. I pointed out that Chris Masters has a huge ass and Cara never noticed until today, and...here we have it. Enjoy. And it's not like TNA has never name dropped from WWE on tv before, so they can here, too. Bonus points if you get the joke at the end. Disclaimer: the following story contains statements that I may or may not agree with.
"And that concludes the local news," Jeremy Borash, the lead anchor of Total Nonstop Action News, announced. "Now onto weather with Ric Flair."
The camera cut to an elderly man with long, bleach blond hair that was slicked back. He was wearing a vintage grey suit and he looked as if he was going to fall forward and hit the ground at any moment. "! It's tiiiiiiiiime for the weather! Let me tell you, it's going to be raining scotch before five this evening! What? You're going to tell me that it doesn't rain scotch? It may not for you, but let me tell you, boy, it sure as hell does for me! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why, by the time I get home, I'm going to be drunker than a skunk! I'm looking for a fine lady to take home and bend-"
"And that was the weather with our veteran meteorologist, Ric Flair," Jeremy Borash flatly stated. "And now onto sports with our esteemed sports reporter, Brian Kendrick."
A thick cloud of smoke covered the studio. Whoever was behind the smoke blew it away. When the smoke cleared, a young man with long blond hair that was pulled into a ponytail appeared on the screen. Instead of wearing a formal suit jacket like everyone else, he wore a loud white leather jacket. It was decorated with random gaudy pieces of fabric sewn on. Other zippers and chains were glued on in places that didn't make sense. "Hi, I'm Brian Kendrick," the man introduced himself, leaning forward and placing an elbow on the desk in front of him. Sure enough, a joint was seen being held in between his fingers. Brian was making no effort to hide what he was doing. "I'm going to talk about sports. Some teams won. Some teams lost. You know that team you really wanted to win so they'd make the playoffs or whatever it's called in whatever bullshit sport you're obsessed with? Yeah, they lost. And your favorite player got injured, too. They're out for the rest of the season." When he finished his report, Brian placed the white paper in between his lips and slowly inhaled. Holding the smoke inside of him, he managed to choke out, "Back to you, Borash." He blew out the smoke he was keeping in his lungs before the camera panned back to the lead anchorman.
"Thank you, Brian. Here for a special report are our roving reporters, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky."
The camera showed two beautiful blonde women, each in her own purple and green outfit. "Hello, I'm Angelina Love," the taller woman with curly hair said.
"And I'm Velvet Sky. And we are..."
"The Beautiful People!" the two bombshells chimed together.
"So, today we were watching other programming," Angelina Love started.
"And we noticed that Madison Rayne's biker lady friend isn't the only one in the business with a dumpy ass!" Velvet squealed, finishing her tag team partner's statement.
"Oh. My. God. Seriously? I was flipping through tonight's 'entertainment' and not only did I see two girls who are obviously trying to be something they are not, but I saw the world's dumpiest ass," Angelina ranted.
"Oh, I know, right? Masters? Really? They need to lock that up before it eats their whole Friday night roster."
"And not to mention that rich little daddy's boy from Monday. That's a bubble butt if I've ever seen one."
"You see these, America?" Velvet asked. The two girls turned around and shook their behinds for the camera, not unlike their normal ring entrance. "Yeah, that's what an ass is supposed to look like. Not all dumpy and bubbly. Gross. Get off the McDonald's and get some talent."
"And have you seen their new women hopefuls? Seriously, did you guys like ravage a trailer park looking for girls? Just because you guys are afraid of the internet..."
"You're talking about that one girl who looks like an alien, right?"
"Which one?" Angelina asked, rolling her eyes.
"The one with the terrible ring gear."
"Which one?" Angelina had to ask again.
"Ang. Come on."
"Oh! The one that looks like she's wearing an outfit that was rejected from the create a wrestler option from a video game!"
"Yeah. Her," Velvet confirmed. "Honey, your quinceanera was ten years ago. Get a new outfit."
A studio assistant appeared on screen and stuck her head in between the two girls, whispering something in their ears. When she finished delivering her message, The Beautiful People sat in their chairs with dejected faces.
"Well, I guess our segment is over," Velvet grumbled.
Angelina was not satisfied that their segment was over, so she stood up and walked towards the camera, pointing her finger. "And if any more of you dumpy assed-"
"And that's it for the six o'clock news. Join us tomorrow as-"
Ric Flair leaped on Jeremy Borash's desk, interrupting the end of the news broadcast. "WOOOOO!"
Jeremy leaned around Flair's body so he was looking at the camera. He sighed, "Join us tomorrow for Total Nonstop Action News, because the news never stops."