Once upon a time there was a miller named Eric with a beautiful daughter named Rogue. When she came of age, he wished to marry her off to some rich fellow so she would be well provided for.
He thought, "If a respectable suitor comes and asks for her hand in marriage, I will give her to him."
"This is just so wrong," Rogue shook her head.
"Why do you keep making me Rogue's father?" Eric demanded. "I thought you like Logan as her father."
I do. But the fathers in these stories do incredibly stupid things and you did incredibly stupid things with your kids. Plus, Logan would never consider anyone a 'respectable suitor' and Rogue would die an old maid.
"Damn straight," Logan agreed. "I have no kids."
"What about X23?"
"...Officially, she's dead. Unofficially, California has great weahter this time of year."
However, there was a young man that wished to marry Rogue but her father would turn him away whenever he asked, for he was a thief. In the father's eyes, he was completely unacceptable for his daughter. But he was a persistent fellow so Eric told him that if he could steal the Storm goddess's necklace and bring it to him, then he would give him permission to marry his daughter.
Remy, for that was the thief's name, agreed. Before he left, he met with Rogue. They promised their love to each and he vowed to come back for her, and she swore to wait for him. With one last kiss, he left on his journey.
"That's not how the story goes," Ororo stated. "There's no thief in it."
There is now.
"It figures that Eric would use this to his own advantage to get what he wants," Rogue mused.
"Forget him," Remy told her. "What do you want? De Hope Diamond? Mona Lisa? De Crown Jewels? Say de word, and Remy get ya whatever ya want, baby."
Rogue grabbed his hand and tugged him to her.
"I got all I want right here."
"Do I get to kill anyone in this story?" Logan asked as he looked at the pair.
After many months, Eric gave Remy up for dead and allowed another suitor to court Rogue. He appeared to be very rich and since Eric could find no fault with him, he promised his daughter to him.
Rogue, however, still loved Remy and intended to keep her promise to him. And frankly, she did not like or trust the man and he frightened her.
"Aw, come on. I'm not that scary."
Remy had a hand possevily around Rogue's waist as he glared at the man.
"Who de heck are you, homme?"
"Blue, stop screwing with everybody and tell them who I am. It's confusing."
People of Fanfiction Land, I present the one, the only Merc with a Mouth, Wade Wilson.
"AKA, Deadpool. I'll admit I have had better intros. I've also had worse. I won't name names but it rhymes with box."
"Why did he have to be in this story?" Logan demanded.
Because Chica De Los Ojos Café thought I should do one of these things with him. Plus, he's awesome!
"I can say chimichanga in seven different languages," Wade said proudly.
Everyone looked at each other warily.
"As they should," Wade commented.
One time he said to her, "You are engaged to marry me, but you have never kissed me. I think we should fix that with a hot make-out session."
Rogue ducked away from Wade, and Remy lunged for him. He tackled Wade to the ground but Wade managed to flip him off and pulled out a single katana from seemingly nowhere.
Unexpectedly, Logan was off to the side, content to watch.
"You're not getting in on this?" Eric asked.
He merely shrugged.
"No one talks to ma femme like dat," Remy snarled at him.
"Are we gonna fight for the heart of the fair maid? I love those fights," Wade grinned.
"Non, I'm gonna kill you, burn your ashes, and dance on them."
"Hey, I did that once. Except he was still alive. And I used acid. But you gotta use what ya got on hand but if I –"
Remy got tired of his rambling and threw three charged cards at him. Wade easily sliced them in two, they exploded on either side of him, and he charged. Interrupting what would have been an epic battle sequence, Rogue borrowed Jean's powers and held both men back.
"First off, Wade. I ain't kissin' ya whether it's in script or not. You will not touch me unless I say you can or I will have Logan castrate you. 'Kay?"
"Okey-dokey. Wait, so no groping?"
She glared at him, turned him upside down, and shook him violently.
"Okay! No groping! Got it."
She dropped them both then turned her death glare on a smirking Remy.
"And you, Mister Lebeau," she marched up to him and poked him in the chest. "Since when am I your girl?"
"Whatcha mean? Bien sur you're my girl."
"I don't belong to anyone. The only rings on my finger are the ones I bought, Lebeau."
"So what? You wanna get married?"
"Yes! Wait, I mea –"
We will never know what she meant because Remy captured her lips with his and didn't let go for some time. Wade tilted his head to get a better view.
"They're really going at it. Those two are going to breed like rabbits."
"I'm surprised that you're taking this so well, Logan," Ororo said.
"She's not my kid so I have no legal right to kill the rat."
"Even if she was yours, you still wouldn't have a legal right."
"Depends on what country you're in."
"Damn," Eric muttered. "I should know better to bet against Charles."
Ooookay. That was unexpected. Seriously.
One time he said to her, "You're engaged to me, but you've never once paid me a visit."
"I don't know where your house is," Rogue replied.
Then Wade said, "My house it out in the dark woods."
Looking for an excuse, she said that she would not be able to find the way there.
The bridegroom said, "Next Sunday, you must come out to me. I have already invited guests. I will make a trail of ashes so that you can find your way through.
"The dark wood? Seriously, I live in the dark woods? How lame! Woods of mayhem and insanity, sure, but just dark? And wouldn't ashes blow away? And I don't have guests! They never leave and then they make such a mess and I have to clean it all when I get rid of the bodies and – OW!"
Remy had hit him with his bo staff.
"Ya think we can get through dis sometime t'day, homme? Gotta pick out a weddin' ring."
When Sunday came, and it was time for Rogue to start on her way at her father's insistence, she became frightened, although she herself didn't know exactly why. In order to mark the path, she filled both pockets with peas and lentils. At the entrance of the forest there was a trail of ashes, which she followed, but at every step, she threw a couple of peas to the ground on the right and left. She walked almost the whole day until she came to the woods, where it was the darkest, and there stood a solitary house. She did not like it, because it looked so dark and sinister. She went inside, but no one was there. It was totally quiet.
"Please don' use dat word," Remy shuddered.
"What, sinister?" Wade asked.
Remy shuddered again. Wade noticed. He thought it was funny so he said it again, intending to continue the cycle until he was telekinetically slapped.
"Don't mess with my Remy," Rogue warned.
Remy wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back to his chest.
"Feel free t' use da last word as much as ya want, chere. I got no problem wit' ya screamin' it."
Suddenly a voice called out:
Turn back, turn back, you young bride.
You are in a murderer's house.
The girl looked up and saw that the voice came from a bird, which was hanging in a cage on the wall. It cried out again:
Turn back, turn back, you young bride.
You are in a murderer's house.
Then the beautiful bride went from one room to another, walking through the whole house, but it was entirely empty, and not a human soul was to be found. Finally she came to the cellar. A very old woman was sitting there shaking her head.
"Could you tell me," said the girl, "if my bridegroom lives here?"
"Oh, you poor child," replied the old woman, "Where did you come from? You are in a murderer's den. You think you are a bride soon to be married, but it is death that you will be marrying. Look, they made me put a large kettle of water on the fire. When they have captured you, they will chop you to pieces without mercy, cook you, and eat you, for they are cannibals. If I do not show you compassion and save you, you are doomed."
"You're doomed already," the old woman morphed into Mystique. "What are you thinking, agreeing to marry that – that thief?"
Rogue crossed her arms and glared at her.
"I don't need your approval for this. You may have adopted me, but you were no mother and I make no claim to ya."
"How can you say that? If I hadn't taken you in –"
"Then I'd be a whole lot better off!"
"Actually, chere, if she hadn't taken ya, de X Men might not have found ya. If they hadn't found ya, we wouldn't'a met and dis wouldn't be happenin'."
Rogue took a moment to consider that.
"So I suppose we invitin' Jean Luc to the wedding too then, Mister Smarty Pants?"
"If you wanna drag 'em all to Vegas, fine."
"Whoa, I am not gettin' married in Vegas."
"Communication problems this early in the relationship doesn't bode well," Wade tutted.
With this the old woman led her behind a large barrel where she could not be seen.
"Be quiet as a mouse." she said. "Do not make a sound or move, or all will be over with you. Tonight when the robbers are asleep we will escape. I have long waited for an opportunity."
This had scarcely happened when the godless band came home. They were dragging with them another maiden. They were drunk and paid no attention to her screams and sobs.
They gave her wine to drink, three glasses full, one glass of white, one glass of red, and one glass of yellow, which caused her heart to break. Then they ripped off her fine clothes, laid her on a table, chopped her beautiful body in pieces and sprinkled salt on it. The poor bride behind the barrel trembled and shook, for she saw well what fate the robbers had planned for her.
"I would never eat people. Unless I get stranded on an island again. Let me tell you, bananas and monkeys can only sustain a man for so long. I'd definitely need hot sauce. I'd eat Blind Al last. Unless she pissed me off."
At this point, everyone'd mostly tuned him out and do their own thing until he stopped rambling. Eric was on his cell phone, fussing at Charles about cheating over some bet. Remy was sitting in a chair with Rogue on his lap, doing what they do. Logan and Raven were arguing with each other.
"Those two should just hook up already and be done with it," Wade said.
"Who?" Ororo asked.
"Rae-Rae and Jimmy, of course."
Logan and Raven turned to him.
"What did you just call me?" they asked with equal parts killer intent radiating off of them.
One of them noticed a gold ring on the murdered girl's little finger. Because it did not come off easily, he took an ax and chopped the finger off, but it flew into the air and over the barrel, falling right into the bride's lap. The robber took a light and looked for it, but could not find it.
Then another one said, "Did you look behind the large barrel?"
But the old woman cried out, "Come and eat. You can continue looking in the morning. That finger won't run away from you."
Then the robbers said, "The old woman is right."
They gave up their search and sat down to eat. The old woman poured a sleeping-potion into their wine, so that they soon lay down in the cellar and fell asleep, snoring.
When the bride heard them snoring she came out from behind the barrel, and had to step over the sleepers, for they lay all in rows on the ground. She was afraid that she might awaken one of them, but God helped her, and she got through safely.
The old woman went upstairs with her, opened the door, and they hurried out of the murderer's den as fast as they could.
The wind had blown away the trail of ashes, but the peas and lentils had sprouted and grown up, and showed them the way in the moonlight. They walked all night, arriving at the mill the next morning. Then the girl told her father everything, just as it had happened.
Very soon after these events, the thief came back. He brought the Storm goddesses' necklace to Eric along with servants, fine horses, rich clothes, gold, silver, jewels and many other fine things that the goddess had gifted to him. He was a very charming young man, you see. Eric accepted the necklace and a few other trinkets before he consented to the marriage. Rogue told him of the horrible man she'd been engaged to, how she never wanted to marry him, that she feared he'd never come back, crying and sobbing as she told him. He just held her close and told her he loved her.
That night, the two were married.
"Awwww, they're so cute I wanna vomit and my back tooth just rotted out," Wade said.
"Would you just shuddup?" Logan yelled. "I swear you're worst then all the teenaged girls at the mansion combined!"
"Seriously, it's almost over," Raven told him. "Just a little while longer and the Swamp Rat dies," she muttered the last part.
However, Rogue still heard her.
"Dontcha ever dare threaten him again! And don't call him Swamp Rat."
"Don't raise your voice at me, young lady!"
"Or what? You'll send me to my room?"
"No, I will kick your narrow, little behind!"
Rogue took an offensive stance.
"Um, Rogue," Remy tried but she cut him off.
As the two women exchanged blows, Wade spoke up.
"You've been quiet."
Technically, I haven't. But seriously, what's the point? Y'all never listen to me for more than a few paragraphs at a time.
When the supposed wedding day came, the bridegroom appeared. The miller had invited all his relatives and acquaintances, and the thief sat across from the bride. As they sat at the table, each one was asked to tell something. The bride sat still and said nothing.
Then the bridegroom said to the bride, "Come, sweetheart, don't you know anything? Tell us something, like the others have done."
"Ya did not just call my Rogue 'sweetheart'," Remy snarled.
"Oh, this again. Okay," Wade stood up, starting to take off his jacket. "Let's get 'er done."
Remy was about to stand as well but,
That's it! No more fightin'! Get back in ya seats and finish the freakin' story before I get pissed!
Everyone sat down.
"Then I will tell about a dream. I was walking alone through the woods, when finally I came to a house. Inside there was not a single human soul, but on the wall there was a bird in a cage. It cried out:
Turn back, turn back, you young bride.
You are in a murderer's house.
Then it cried out the same thing again. Darling, it was only a dream," she told him when he turned pale.
"Then I went through all the rooms. They were all empty, and there was something so eerie in there. Finally I went down into the cellar, and there sat a very old woman, shaking her head. I asked her, 'Does my bridegroom live in this house?'
She answered, 'Alas poor child, you have gotten into a murderer's den. Your bridegroom does live here, but he intends to chop you to pieces and kill you, and then he intends to cook you and eat you.'
Darling, it was only a dream. After that the old woman hid me behind a large barrel. I had scarcely hidden myself there when the robbers came home, dragging a girl with them. They gave her three kinds of wine to drink: white, red, and yellow, which caused her heart to stop beating. Darling, it was only a dream. After that they took off her fine clothes, and chopped her beautiful body to pieces on a table, then sprinkled salt on it. Darling, it was only a dream. Then one of the robbers saw that there was still a ring on her ring finger. Because it was hard to get the ring off, he took an ax and chopped off the finger. The finger flew through the air behind the large barrel, and fell into my lap. And here is the finger with the ring."
With these words she pulled out the finger and showed it to everyone who was there.
The robber, who had during this story become as white as chalk, jumped up and tried to escape, but the guests held him fast, and turned him over to the courts. Then he and his whole band were executed for their shameful deeds.
"Never call another man 'darling' ever again," Remy commanded.
"Was that an order?" Rogue asked.
"'Course not. Wouldn't dream of it."
"Good," she threw her arms around his neck and they, well, they did what they do.
"The end!" Wade yelled. "Yay! Blue doesn't own us by the way. Or this story or any common sense, a great sense of fashion, a cell phone with a proper speaker, a –"
It's some time after two in the A.M. You should really stop talking now. I suck at being on hiatus.