A/N: What up, bitches! I'm back with a brand new sequel to Butterfly Knives and Huge-ass Handguns, now taking place in the Twilight universe, needless to say Edward will be trolled beyond reason. He is, however, not the main antagonist of the series but rather the fall guy, meaning he will be trolled and only trolled and not do anything other than get trolled. Main antagonist is way out of his league anyway; he's too gay for that. So in this chapter, we see the Hellsing guys get acquainted with their new partner in crime.
Integra crushed the letter in her hands and threw it over her shoulder, after which it landed neatly in the bin. She was scowling, hold on, she's always scowling. Anyway, she was even angrier than usual, maybe it was her period or something.
"Master, is there anything wrong?" Alucard inquired.
"No. Apparently this Kujo guy sent us the remains of a vampire that is apparently very powerful or something. I am just deliberating over what to do with it; dispose of it or make it one of us, seeing as we are rather shorthanded. Again."
"I don't see any problem with another vampire running about the house."
"With you around, one vampire is ten too many. But I guess I have to make do. There is another mission sent in from Her Majesty and I need a replacement for Seras."
"Last I saw of her she was fine. Why does she need to be replaced?"
"Apparently in the mission you will encounter a bunch of vampires that abstain from human blood, and I don't want Seras getting any ideas on her diet." What Integra said made Alucard stop and think for a bit. Seras recently started to drink human blood, albeit donated, but the last thing any of them did indeed need was for her to stop as human blood is the source of life and power for vampires and nothing else could replace it.
"Well, then let's get to it."
Alucard carried the package down to the dungeons of the Hellsing manor, following Integra's lead. The dungeon had served as the Hellsings' magical laboratory and was where the various descendents of Hellsing before Integra had performed their experiments on Alucard, binding him to their bloodline as well as making him even more ridiculously powerful and broken. They were about to do the same to whoever this vampire was.
Alucard laid the casket on a stone table in the middle of a featureless room, the walls and floor were untiled and hewn from the bedrock under the mansion. Alucard ripped off the package's wrapping paper and opened the casket within, exposing its contents.
The body was in very bad shape, a long gash extending from his left shin all the way to his head, which was split in two all the way down to the ribs. The body was bone dry, not a drop of blood in its veins, giving it the look of an unbandaged mummy.
Integra sighed and slit her palm, letting her blood run into a bowl on an altar next to the table. When it was about half full, she picked up an ornately carved knife, its handle and blade carved from the bones of a Cthulu. How the Hellsings got that I have no idea.
She used the knife to stir the blood while murmuring in a pagan language. The blood seemed to glow a little brighter, turning from a deep burgundy to a shade of vermillion akin to that of Alucard's eyes. Speaking of him, he was looking at his Master's injured hand quite hungrily, but he restrained himself.
When Integra was done with her pagan language murmuring, she pulled the knife out of the bowl, which was now only a quarter full. The blade of the knife, previously whiter than Edward Cullen's pasty gay face, was now a deep scarlet. Alucard turned the body on its back and Integra began carving an ornate magical circle on the back of the body. When she was done, the circle was about the same as the ones on Alucard's gloves.
To complete the ritual, she took the remaining blood in the bowl and drizzled some in the corpse's mouth, expecting its tongue to stick out and lap up the blood. Nothing happened. She frowned and drizzled more blood but got jack shit. Then she noticed the right hand of the vampire.
The hand was animated, its fingers wriggling about as if trying to grab something but was unable to on account of the arm it was attached to still being immobile. Integra put two and two together and brought the bowl of blood under the fingers. As soon as the fingers made contact with the red fluid, tentacles extended from the tips of the fingers and started to drain the blood, making the veins of the arm pulse grotesquely. Meanwhile, the body was healing itself, its flesh filling out, the skin regaining its color and the wound closing itself up. When the bowl was empty, the body stood up and it leaned back. "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" It shrieked, and loudly. So loud that both Integra and Alucard covered their ears to keep from going deaf.
Then the vampire spoke. "Thank you for reviving me. As thanks, I, Dio, will allow you to serve as my right hand men for eternity, as well as grant you eternal life. Be grateful that I, Dio, did not attack you and drain you of the rest of your blood." His voice was very deep and sounded a little like Tim Curry, or Emperor Doviculus, for those who played Brutal Legend.
Integra was not pleased with his attitude. "Shut up and get down from there. And put some decent clothes on while you're at it."
Dio was about to say something smart when his body complied, jumping from its perch and standing in front of the woman/man. He did not however make any effort to replace the tattered rags on him in the advent of there not being any other garments to wear. "What the… what did you do to me? Why am I, Dio, following the commands of a human?"
"You have got some guts to tell me that you will allow me to be your servant, Dio, was it? As you are unfamiliar to the situation, let me enlighten you. The servant here is not me but you. Know your place." Integra said while staring right at Dio.
"You think you have me bound to your word by just this ritual? I, Dio, just have to kill you to undo it! The World!" Dio roared, summoning his Stand. It was a very large and very buff Aztec-looking man, with heart-shaped things on its elbows, knee caps, chin, navel and groin. As it appeared, a circle spread from around it, everything within it started to get colored in negative. It spread out and covered the entire room and beyond, before the color finally disappeared. "Time is frozen! Let's see you give your orders when you are stuck in the frozen time!" Dio gloated.
"Get down and give me a hundred!" Integra commanded. Dio got down and started doing push ups, bewilderment evident on his face.
"What, how? Why can you move? You should be unable to do anything!" Dio was enraged. Not only was his greatest power powerless against this witch, he was being humiliated by being made to do common calisthenics.
Integra was intrigued by his mentioning of time being frozen, but the way she looked at it, there was nothing different save for the crazy color fuck-up circle thing. She picked up the ceremonial knife and let go of it. It stayed in mid-air, garnering a low whistle from Alucard. "It seems that time really has stopped. What an interesting power."
Dio had finished his hundred push ups and was glaring at Integra. "How dare you humiliate me, Dio, with such unrefined punishments!" He was about to try something, but Alucard stepped in front of his master and pulled out the Jackal he had picked up at the end of the last series. "Try something like that again, and the bullet will go into your brain."
"Oooh, a big scary gun! What's it going to do, maim me? Like I haven't had enough of that already." Alucard fired, ticked off by the other vampire's attitude. The bullet left the barrel but that was as far as it went, courtesy of the time stoppage. Alucard growled, expressing his displeasure while Dio smirked.
Alucard sighed and put away his gun. "Look, vampire. It doesn't have to be this hard. Just listen to what Integra says and go with it. She is not an unreasonable master."
"She says that I, Dio, am to be her servant, and I, Dio, refuse to be treated as something whose job is but to clean up her mess."
"For your information, vampire, your job in serving me is not to do such menial tasks. We have a butler on the premises for a reason."
Walter was wiping a window when he sneezed. "I thought vampires were immune to human sicknesses." He mumbled to himself as he continued with his work.
"Then what, pray tell, is my job? To look after your cat?" Dio had assumed a less violent stance, leaning slightly backwards and crossing his arms over his chest. The World also disappeared into his body and the floating knife fell to the ground. And a big chunk of the wall behind him exploded.
"Your job is to go out and kill things when I tell you to. Other than that, nothing else." Integra replied. Dio was quite happy at this development. "So what you're saying is that I, Dio, just have to go out and kill whatever it is you want me to kill? And that's it?"
Integra nodded an affirmative. "Well, then I, Dio, suppose that we can come to an agreement. I, Dio, will take this job if you will respect and acknowledge me as above a servant."
"No dice. Ya gotta work ya way up from the bottom." Hazama was leaning against the door into the room, twirling his trademark butterfly knife in his hand. "And what have we here…?" Dio muttered.
"I'm a new guy, just like you. Got here not three months ago. Really, this place ain't so bad once ya get used to it. Also, the boss ain't such a bad person, long as ya stay outta her way." Dio pondered this for a moment, then shrugged. "Fine, I, Dio, will play along. I, Dio, think that this place suits me. Do you mind if I, Dio, take this room for my quarters?"
"Fine. Just pack whatever you need now. I already have your first mission. Hazama, Alucard, you two are going too."
"Well, that was fast. I expected a little time to rest and get used to the surroundings first." Dio was a little shocked by the development, not expecting his first assignment to take place right after he was revived.
"No point. You will be gone for quite a period of time as this assignment is expected to take at least a few weeks to complete. You will be going to some random backwater town in the Olympic Ridge in Washington, America. There you will meet a group of peace-loving non-human-blood drinking 'vampires'. You will extract from them, by any means necessary, the information as well as the method to get to this group of vampires called the Volturi, who are your main targets."
"When do we leave?" Alucard asked. "Now." Integra answered.
"But first, could you explain to me why you lot were immune to my Stand's power?"
Integra and Alucard looked at each other in confusion. " Stand? You mean that creepy buff Aztec guy behind you earlier on?"
"Yes. It's ability is to stop time." Dio answered, slightly ticked off at the dismissive manner his Stand was described.
"Well, you are bound to eternal servitude to the Hellsing bloodline." Dio winced at the word 'servitude' but kept his comments to himself. "Naturally, we wouldn't want to have ourselves killed by our servants' powers, like what you tried to pull earlier on. So we included a spell in the binding seal that grants any Hellsing operative immunity to each others' supernatural abilities."
Dio, satisfied but still a little pissed at the explanation, nodded and muttered an affirmative before walking out the door, followed by his new colleagues and boss. "Ah, yes, about those clothes. I, Dio, quite believe that it would be rather unsightly to parade around in this outfit." He announced while looking down at his clothes, or at least what was left of them. His black tank top was ripped down the middle, showing off his ridiculous musculature. His left trouser leg was also ripped apart all the way to where it joined the tear on his shirt, making the others wonder how it ended up like that in the first place.
"Don't worry about that. The butler will see to it that you receive new clothes at the door." With that, they left the dungeons.
"Bella, you're awake now~!" Edward screamed like a little girl, accentuated by the little squiggly line before the exclamation mark. He hugged Bella hard, forgetting that he had superhuman strength (for a pansy fairy at least) and promptly started choking Bella. She tried to yell at him to not hug her so hard but she was constricted and unable to make a sound.
Edward just carried on squeezing, and Bella started to black out, spots clouding her vision. Edward finally released her from his embrace and was about to start blabbering but he only saw Bella with her eyes rolled back into her head and foam in her mouth. And comatose. Again.
"Emmett, how many times has this happened already?" A really pale movie-star looking blond woman asked the pale buff guy who high-fived the heart monitor.
"Uh, seventh, I think."
"I hate the little bitch, but being treated like this makes even me pity her for having Edward as her boyfriend." The woman muttered while face palming.
"Don't be like that, Rosalie. You know how your brother gets worked up over little things like that." Another pale woman, this one good-looking in a caring, spoiling mother kind of way chided.
"Esme, we all know that getting 'worked up' doesn't begin to describe what Edward's like when he's like that. He acts like a five-year old girl that sucked twenty lollipops and fifty coffee drops in five minutes flat." Rosalie shot back.
"We shouldn't be fighting over Edward's tense moments now. Alice's reaction to what she saw yesterday really disturbs me. What could have caused her to have a fit and bit her own tongue off?" Another pale man piped up. He wasn't as gay as Edward, but more gay than Emmett on account of not being buff.
"Sorry, Jasper." The two women apologized with sheepish looks on their faces.
Hazama, Alucard and Dio all sneezed at the same time. "Looks like someone knows we're coming." Hazama muttered with an evil grin, which spread to his colleagues' faces as well. Dio got his new threads and they made for the plane.
A/N: Sorry to those who were expecting Bang to turn up in this, but again, if he were to stay in this universe for too long, there would be nothing left for Hazama to troll because of all the things that are worth trolling will be burned in the flames of true manliness. And then there would be nothing for me to write about and nothing for you to read. So yeah, leave a review for crying out loud, and not just Kamen Rider Double, please, and also thanks to him for reviewing this thing regularly.