My story begins in season 4 during the "Yeah Baby" episode after Harm and Jordan fight about his possible return to a fighter squadron through season 5 and Harm's return to Washington.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters, nor do I have any intellectual property claim to them. I, like all of you the read this, love these characters and they have become a part of my life and with that I reserve the right to take them out and play with them from time to time.
Mac and Chloe are sitting on the sofa enjoying a slumber party. Music is playing in the background as Mac and her little sister paint their toenails. Chloe is the closest thing to family Mac has outside of JAG, she sees her relationship with Chloe more as a little sister/ big sister than that of a mentorship. Mac needs Chloe as much as Chloe needs her.
A knock on the door interrupts the girlish laughter and giggles.
"Be right back" she says to Chloe.
She walks flat footed as not to ruin her freshly painted toe nails as she makes her way to the door.
Mac peers through the peep hole and says to herself, "Harm? What would he be doing here?"
She opens the door "Hey!"
"Can we talk a minute?"
"Sure, is something wrong?"
"Uh, I didn't know you had company. I can"
Mac cuts him off, "Its, ok. Chloe can you give us a moment alone?"
"Sure, I got get my jammies on." she says as she exits towards Mac's bedroom to change.
"So what's on your mind?"
"Jordan and I had a fight."
"She wants a commitment doesn't she?"
"How did you know that?"
"I know it's what every woman wants. May be she feels it is time for you to declare your feelings. "
Harm smiles, "Well Mac, the rules of engagement have changed."
Mac looks at Harm inquisitively.
"Jordan saw my request to change my designator this morning."
"Change your designator to what? To a pilot so you can return to a fighter squadron? You can't do that, what about your night vision?"
"Mac, I was misdiagnosed. I actually had retinal scaring not night vision. I had it corrected by laser ablation."
"About two weeks ago."
"You had a major surgery and you didn't tell me?"
"Mac, open heart surgery is major surgery. This was an outpatient surgery."
"Well I tell you when I am going to the dentist."
"Look, I didn't want to worry you and I wanted to be sure it worked before I said anything to anyone."
"Better than I expected."
"So you want to return to a fighter squadron?"
"I spent half my life training to become a naval aviator Mac."
"Except for 3 years of law school and 4 years at JAG. So you were you just killing time until your eyes were fixed?"
"No, JAG was fine. But my dream has always been to be a fighter pilot."
"If you do that then it means that flying is more important to you than JAG, more important to you than Jordan and more important to you than me."
"Mac, of all people I thought you would understand how important flying is to me?"
"I do, but this is the last thing I need right now Harm. I just cannot deal with losing anyone else from my life!"
"You're starting to sound alot like Jordan"
Chloe peaks her head out Mac's bedroom and says, "You two finished yet?"
Harm looks at Mac and see's the hurt in her eyes, "Yeah, I guess we are. We'll talk about this later, ok?"
Mac nods her head and walks him to the door. She shuts the door behind him and rests her head upon the door, trying to keep her composure and not let Chloe see her cry.
"Now I know why there are no other men in your life, you're in love with Harm." Chloe says as she gets up from the sofa and hugs Mac around her waist. "You need to tell him that you love him."
"I wish it were that easy."
"I bet Harm loves you too." Chloe says with a smile, trying to make Mac smile in the process.
"I think it is time for you young lady to go to bed."
Mac tucks young Chloe into bed and gives s her a quick kiss on her forehead before she says "Good Night." And it is off to bed for what she knows will be a sleepless night.
Harm awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. He reached for the snooze with a slow, sleepy arm and he was able to find the button and push it. He rolled over, put his arm over his eyes and said "Man what a night."
He pulled himself out of bed and turned off the alarm and proceeded to bathroom to freshen up before his morning run. As he threw some water on his face the memories of last night came flooding back into his mind. The hurt look on Jordan's face and the exact same look on Mac's were too much from him to bear. He hoped the fresh morning air and a good run would help ease his mind and make it better.
Bethesda Medical Center
Mac drove to Bethesda before going into JAG this morning because she has an appointment with LMCR McCool, a Navy psychiatrist, after the Admiral noticed her difficultly in dealing with the death of, Chris, Dalton, her father and seeing her mother for the first time in years. She knows today will be the day that she learns whether or not Harm will be staying at JAG or returning to the fleet. Mac's appointment at Bethesda seemed to becoming at a good time and maybe she could find some answers to her problems. She wasn't due into court until 10 hundred so she had plenty of time to discuss her problems with LCMR McCool.
"Major MacKenzie?" Mac nods her head "I am Lieutenant Commander McCool, thank you for coming this morning, how can I help you?"
"Well my commanding officer suggested I seek some assistance in dealing with some recent issues in personal life. I am here today at his request in hopes of finding answers."
"Ok, Major. Why don't we start when these issues began to bother you? Ok?"
"Yes. It began about four weeks ago. I received a phone call from a Father Genaro, he operates a hospice in California. He called to inform me that my father was in his care and he was dying."
"I am so sorry Major."
"Thank you. He said that my father wanted to see me before he passes away to atone for his failings and ask for my forgiveness."
"Did you go to California?"
"Yes, Harm made me see it would be good for to go, but it was difficult."
"Who is Harm?"
"An attorney I work with at JAG. His father was MIA in Vietnam and it took him a long time to come to accept that his father was missing. He searched for him since he was 16 and when he finally found out that he was dead he was able to get closure.
"I see but how does that affect you, explain."
"Well my father was an alcoholic; he was abusive to my mother and me. That abuse forced my mother to leave when I was 16 and I left him a year later. Harm felt that I couldn't move forward with my life unless I confronted him and dealt with the issues."
"I see. Were you able to talk to your father and find some way to forgive him?"
"No. I didn't have a chance. He had slipped into a coma hours before I arrived."
"So how did that make you feel?"
"How so major?"
"I flew out to California to talk to him about how miserable he made my life, my mother's life and when I get there he is unable to respond to me and give me answers."
"I see. Were you able to find any answers?"
"Yes. Father Genaro had spent some time with him over the three weeks he was there. He told me of his life after I left home, his many business failures, his girlfriends and even how he followed my career in the Navy Times. My father was a Marine as well."
"Did you find some comfort in that?"
"Some. I came to see him more as a human being than a monster. I too am an alcoholic. I know how addictions can control your life and make you do things that you normally wouldn't."
"Did that help you find some closure?"
"In a way, but that is when my mother arrived and I really wasn't prepared for that. Father Genaro said he was trying to contact her but he had no luck finding her. I assumed he hadn't."
"Did the two of you talk?"
"Yes. It was a difficult conversation. But one I needed to have. I learned that while my father wasn't the greatest dad, he tried and in his own way he did the best he could. Which is more than I can say for my mother. "
"Why is that major?"
"When she left she had taken our dog with her. She ended up leaving him behind too as she moved around. I think if I would've left with her, she would've let me alone too."
"I see. Were you able to come to an understanding with your mother?"
"Somewhat, a found a way to forgive her but I will never be able to trust her."
"Understandable. But I think it is important to understand these experiences and how they have shaped you as a person."
"In what ways?"
"Everyone one of us is shaped by our experiences of our youth. They can predict and or explain current behaviors. The theme of abandonment in your life can predict potential problems with relationships at work, your love life and other situations. May I ask if you are currently in a relationship?"
"No I am not in a relationship. The last man I was involved with was murdered by a police officer that was stalking me. My ex-husband was killed not long ago as well."
"That's pretty traumatic stuff major."
"Let's say I have a gift for choosing the wrong men."
"Do you believe that?"
"My past seems to prove that. Harm seems to believe that too."
"So you and Harm are close?"
"Yes. He is my closest friend."
"Define your friendship with Harm for me?"
"Where do I start?" Mac says with a gleaming smile "Harm has always been there for me. He listens to me in a way that shows he cares for me and wants what is best for me. I actually went to Russia with Harm to help him find his father."
"Really?" As commander McCool senses there is more than what Mac is saying. "Is there more to than friendship here?"
"Perhaps." Mac says coyly. "But Harm is currently in a relationship."
"I see. But you have feelings for him?"
"Yes. But I am not sure how important I am to him right now."
"Why is that major? You said he is your closest friend?"
"Last night Harm came over to my apartment. He wanted to talk about a fight he had with his girlfriend Jordan. He told me that the fight was about Jordan wanting a commitment from him. And that he was thinking of leaving JAG to return to fighter squadron."
"How is that possible?"
"Harm was a fighter pilot until he had been grounded due to a night vision problem he thought was non-correctable. He had seen an optometrist who told him he was missed diagnosed and his eye problem could be corrected by laser ablation. Harm had the surgery, never told me about it and now he is going to leave me, JAG and Jordan."
"Major, it sounds like you have more than just feelings for Harm? Are you being honest with yourself?"
"I thought I had been until I had a conversation with Jordan during a wet down for one the junior attorneys who had just been promoted. I had made the comment that I was envious of her and her new relationship. I told her I was happy for her that her life was heading in the right direction."
"All things considered that was very nice of you, but are you being honest with yourself?"
"Jordan said that she felt sometimes she feels it would last forever and other times it will last only until I decided I wanted Harm. I tried to tell her that I am not a threat to her but I don't think she believed me. I don't think I believed myself either so in that respect I am being honest with myself and my feelings. But Harm and I are in the same command we cannot possibly have a relationship."
"True. But if he changes his designator you can."
"But I will not see him for six months. How can you start a relationship like that?"
"It would be hard, no doubt. But do you love this man?"
"Yes, I have since I first met him."
"Then don't you owe it to yourself to explore the possibility?"
"May be but I am not sure if Harm wants me."
"Then shouldn't you find out? Six months is a small investment to have him forever."
"I suppose, but I have to go now I am due in court in forty five minutes."
"Ok major. Let me know how things work out and I'll schedule another appointment with you say next month?"
"Ok commander set it up. Good day commander."
"Good day to you major and good luck."
"Thank you." Mac leaves Commander McCool's office trying to determine how she is going to talk to Harm about the future. As she contemplates a smile grows upon her face in anticipation of what may be.