Title: Second Division Prohibitions
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list, Terry Prachett and all sorts of fanfics.
Rating: PG 13+
Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…
A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple. In fact, it is two AM crack.
It was just another day on the Moby Dick. The sun was shinning, the waters were blue, Whitebeard was sneaking his 5th cup of sake past his nurses and an angry mob was chasing a laughing second division commander. Same old, same old.
Reaching his room, the dread pirate Firefist slammed the door shut, locked, bolted and shoved the dresser against it for good measure, chuckling under his breath all the while. Only when he'd secured himself from the masses of unfunny folk did Ace note the pile of documents sitting innocently on his bed. He went to torch it, as was the fate of all paperwork that found it way to him-he'd discovered a while back that the really important stuff was never written down- and caught sight of the note on top written in glaring red ink.
ACE! READ THIS!
1. I may not fall asleep on purpose if I think the meeting is boring and claim it was a narcolepsy attack.
2. I may not do so 'accidentally' either.
3. Narcolepsy is not contagious. I must stop telling people it is.
4. Nor may I threaten to 'infect them'.
5.I may not go up to other crewmembers, wink and say "mine's bigger." Even if I'm referring to my tattoo.
6. Nor may I do so especially if I'm not referring to my tattoo.
7. I may not tell Thatch that there's a spider on him just to see him flail.
8. Nor may I put the spider there in the first place.
9. I may not 'borrow' all of Thatch's combs and use them to build a bonfire.
10. Nor may I wake up early and draw an ugly mustache and beard on the bathroom mirror.
11. I may not hide baby birds in his hair.
12. I may not tie all his ascots together for a magic trick. Especially when that trick involves setting stuff on fire.
13. I may not 'sample' his products and turn my hair into a spiky helmet.
14. Nor may I try to impale people on my new do.
15. I may not use Izou's lipstick then complain that 'it's not my shade'.
16. Nor may I use it to draw on the deck like a three-year-old.
17. Nor may I cover myself with his face powder and pretend to be a ghost.
18. Actually I must stay away from all beauty products.
19. I may not tell the nurses that pop's IV has been replaced with sake. Especially if it's true.
20. The proper response to being summoned is, "you wanted to see me pop?" not "You can't prove a thing!"
21. I may not check Marco's bed for eggs. I must remember that he is male and therefore cannot lay eggs.
22. I may not tell others that the sound coming from his beak is a mating call.
23. I may not give other bird zoans, like that falcon guy in Arabasta, Marco's den den mushi number.
24. I may not dress up a pineapple and claim to have found Marco's twin brother.
25. I may not hide Marco in a pineapple plantation for fun
26. Nor may I offer Jozu as the prize.
27. I may not put a sign on the crow's nest that reads, "Marco's roosting spot".
28. I may not loudly accuse Marco of being a cannibal when we're having chicken for lunch.
29. Nor may I do so at any time regarding any type of fowl.
30. Nor may I accuse him of eating 'babies' when he has an omelet for breakfast.
31. Just because I can touch him in phoenix form does not give me the right to ride him.
32. Nor may I pluck him.
33. I may not start an argument that just because his flame is blue while mine is orange doesn't make him hotter than me.
34. Nor may I take my clothes off to prove it.
35. I may not tell Curiel that I admire his guns in a suggestive way ever again.
36. I may not play connect-the-freckles. Especially with the freckles under my clothes.
37. Nor may I ask others if they want to play.
38. I am not allowed to tell people that Vista's mustache is evil.
39. Or that it's trying to take over the world.
40. I may not threaten to wax it if it won't give up its secrets.
41. I may not put rabbits in his hat either.
42. Nor may I refer to Mihawk as his other sword.
43. I may not offer to polish Jozu.
44. I may not sell him to a jewelry store.
45. I may not ask him 'what a girl wants' on the basis that he's 'a girl's best friend'.
46. I am not allowed to stare at Jozu for hours on end because 'he's shiny'.
47. I am not allowed to scream and point at people saying that their outfits hurt my eyes. Even if it's true.
48. Nor may burn people's clothes off just because I don't like their fashion sense.
49. I am not allowed to be offended when people say I have no fashion sense. I must remember I run around half naked wearing a bright orange cowboy hat.
50. I am not allowed to set fire to important paperwork then claim to never have received them.
51. Especially if the paperwork isn't even mine.
52. I may not replace all the liquor on board with orange juice.
53. I may not paint pop's mustache yellow and call it a banana.
54. Nor may I stick a giant ball of candy onto the end of his bisento to make it look like a lollipop.
55. The phrase "liar, liar, pants on fire" is not meant to be taken literally. I must stop doing so.
56. The D in my name is a not a license to do idiotic things.
57. Nor may tell people that it stands for dashing, devious, d*ck or any other descriptive words starting with D that I think is cool.
58. Nor does it make me 'D man'.
59. I am not allowed to doodle on my crewmates' wanted posters.
60. I may not doodle on our allies' wanted posters.
61. I may not send embarrassing photographs of my crewmates to the guys who print the wanted posters.
62. Nor may I send them my crewmates' baby pictures.
63. I may not inform bounty hunters of the whereabouts of my enemies. I must take care of my own problems like a grown man.
64. I am not allowed to drown.
65. I am not allowed to start an interdivision Prank War.
66. Nor may I start a glitter war.
67. I am not permitted to throw a tantrum in a grass country during dry season.
68. I may not string up my crewmates' underwear up the flag pole.
69. Nor may steal everyone's left shoe.
70. I may not wave a red cape in front of 'Water Buffalo' Atomos yelling "Torro! Torro!"
71. I am not allowed to giggle like a girl ever again.
72. Nor may I clap my hands and squeal loudly.
73. I am not allowed to steal one of the nurses' uniforms again.
74. I am not allowed to tell people that I have a twin sister named Une and then cross dress.
75. I am not allowed to participate in strip poker. I must remember that I'm at a disadvantage.
76. I am never allowed to consume ungodly amounts of sugar again.
77. I am not allowed to chase surly crewmates around the ship claiming, "Somebody needs a hug!"
78. I may not randomly start singing Bink's Sake.
79. Nor may I do so loudly and off-key. Especially on purpose.
80. Or insist my division be my backup singers.
81. I am not allowed to poke people with my knife.
82. Nor may I do so with a flaming finger.
83. I may not put my food bills on my crewmates' tabs.
84. I am not allowed to steal Shanks' sake and blame it on pop.
85. Nor am I allowed to steal pop's sake and blame it on Shanks.
86. I may not ask philosophical question like "Why exactly are we called 'hammers' anyway?" at two in the morning.
87. Nor dump tools into the ocean the next day to test how quickly they sink.
88. I may not inform people that "I'm a stud" rather than a hammer.
89. I may not crank call other pirate ships.
90. I may not crank call my grandfather. No one wants him to visit after all.
91. I may not feed the den den mushi liquor to disguise my voice.
92. I may not attempt to get a pair of den den mushi to mate because I want a baby den den mushi for myself.
93. I may not throw marines into their own jails. Even if they are crooked bastards.
94. Nor may I 'magically appear' inside a jail just to drive the marines insane.
95. I may not collect marine uniforms.
96. I may not wander around nude off-ship.
97. Nor may I run around naked on the deck.
98. I may not go into battle in my birthday suit.
99. I may not visit marine ships bare.
100. Actually I may not go starkers anywhere except the showers and even that is questionable.
101. I may not call the marines to ask how my brother is doing then threaten to roast them alive for trying to hurt him.
102. I may not capture a large number of civilians to boast about my brother.
103. I may not run up to crewmates to boast about my brother.
104. I may not switch the topic to my brother.
105. I may not butt into other peoples' conversations to talk about my brother.
106. I may not tell crewmates that my brother would own their asses at twister on game nights.
107. I must stop informing other straw hat wearers that they can't pull it off like my brother can.
108. I must stop shoving his wanted poster into other peoples' faces.
109. I may not cuddle his wanted poster remarking on how much he's grown in a motherly voice.
110. I am expressly forbidden from speaking of my brother unless somebody else brings him up.
111. I may not attempt to see how many pieces of meat can fit into my mouth at the same time.
112. I am not allowed to frolic.
113. I may not call myself weather god just because I can make it stop snowing.
114. I may not stand around shirtless in blizzard.
115. Nor may I laugh and call others abominable snowmen when they're all bundled up.
116. I may not dance in the rain just because I won't get sick.
117. Nor may I claim that the sizzling sound the raindrops make when they hit me reminds me of bacon.
118. I may not lay siege to the kitchens.
119. Nor may I barricade myself inside them.
120. I may not lick all my food before eating for 'protection'.
121. I may not randomly burst into tears.
122. Nor may I pout and use my puppy-dog eyes to get what I want.
123. I must not claim to see the future in my soup.
124. Or that the 'green soggy bit' told me that Thatch has been hoarding chocolate.
125. I must stop talking to my food.
126. I may not scream at unnaturally high decibels when my food is too hot. I must remember that I'm fire and therefore there's no such thing as 'too hot' for me.
127. I may not nibble on my crewmates. That's what food is for.
128. I am no longer allowed to bring bizarre flaming creatures on board no matter how cool I think they are.
129. Or point out very seriously that they aren't gay.
130. Nor may I make them the division mascot.
131. Or chase my crewmates around with them.
132. Or make my crewmates baby sit them.
133. I may not give them names like "Princess", "Mr. Fuzzypants" or "Foo Foo Snuggly Poo".
134. I may not yell "Hey guys! Watch this!" ever again.
135. I may not hoard all the spoons claiming that soup is evil.
136. Just because Oars Jr. is as big as a mountain doesn't mean I should climb him.
137. Nor may I use him as a hiding spot when people are mad at me.
138. I may not lick strange objects to see if they're poisonous.
139. I may not change the story behind my arm tattoo every time that I tell it.
140. If a thought makes me giggle for over fifteen seconds, I ought to assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
141. I am not allowed to question the concept of shirts. Even if a large number of my crewmates don't wear them either.
142. Just because I was raised by a bandit doesn't mean I should employ my exceptionally large swear word vocabulary at every opportunity.
143. I may not jump down from the crow's nest onto the unsuspecting screaming "death from above!".
144. I am not allowed to threaten the marine prisoners with tea and crackers. Gramps is bad enough.
145. I may not get drunk and start a dancing competition.
146. Nor may I get drunk and start a singing competition.
147. I am no longer allowed to make suggestions while drunk.
148. I may not insert bits of gossip when making a report.
149. I may not burn holes in the walls. That's what doors are for.
150. I may not use my powers to make really weird shadow puppets on the wall.
Ace stared at the list completely horrified. Was this for real? It had all the commanders' signatures plus pop's so it had to be.
His lower lip trembled. Okay, maybe the critters he brought back were not too friendly with nonflammable individuals. He could just visit them, instead of bringing them back.
And he was a commander so that probably meant that he had to keep his pants on.
But to ban him from speaking about Luffy? Nu-uh! No way! He looked over the sheet again noting that there were a lot of things not listed there.
Grinning evilly, Firefist got to work.
A/N: Izou by the way, is the geisha-like commander of the 16th division