A/N: This is set between chapter 14 and 15 of 'Hold My Silence.' Abby is making more progress setting aside her considerable baggage. *bites nails* Really hope you like this. I know it's smut, but I feel that this 'chapter' is truly integral to the storyline.

Ok, shutting up.


Trust and Consequences

She dug her fingers deep into his hair and deepened the kiss. She hadn't been able to get the image of him from earlier today out of her mind. She'd seen him like that so often now that it shouldn't even register with her anymore, but it did. Every single time. He'd been standing thigh deep in the water, and she'd stolen up behind him under the premise of safety… but she'd just wanted to be closer to him.

She'd wanted to see him gleaming and wet, and it was all the better that he didn't realize she was watching him. At least, that's what she'd thought… until he'd deliberately met her gaze with a hungry one of his own. Of small consolation was the fact that it was hardly one sided; every time he looked at her body, she could see the heat and passion simmering behind his eyes.

She knew he had wanted her today. She'd seen it, and she felt it now as his mouth moved over hers. Desperate and needy, but god, he was holding back, and she felt it. He was always so cautious and careful with her; she knew he was afraid he'd scare her again, but it couldn't be easy for him. He shuddered under her touch, but he held on to his restraint. His hand tightened around hers, but he'd not touch her body until she initiated it. Once she made the first move, he'd respond enthusiastically, but not before.

When Connor kissed her, it was with all the love and passion he had within him; he kissed with his entire soul. As intoxicating and heated as the kisses were becoming, she wanted more than his mouth on hers. She needed more from him. He broke it suddenly and buried his face in her neck. His breath was hot against her skin as he panted. He needed so much more… probably more than she could give.

Anyone else would have lost patience with her by now, but not Connor. His whole body was trembling; she felt his soft lips graze her collarbone, his tongue darting out to taste her briefly and she shivered in response. He wouldn't continue without her approval, and she'd stopped him at this point before, when it had become too hot and too intense far too quickly for her to process. She wanted him. She did, but when her mind started chattering and throwing up memories that had no place with Connor here beside her, she had to stop. Still, they'd managed to move past that point… most times.

He cursed softly under his breath and moved to kiss her mouth again, bringing up his other hand to cradle her cheek in the palm of his hand. He would swear he was content to just kiss her, if she stopped him now. She didn't want him to treat her like a porcelain doll. She was not so fragile that one false move could shatter her. He had to trust that she would stop him if he went too far.

She moved back before his lips could make contact, "Connor, I'll stop you if I have to," she insisted, "I want you to touch me as you like."

Connor's unfocused gaze cleared slightly as the words sunk in, "I do."

She shook her head in the negative, "No, Connor. You wait for me. I don't want you to have to hold back like you do."

"I don't mind," he countered softly, moving in for another kiss.

"You do," she argued, ducking his mouth, "Just… don't worry about me. I'll handle it."

He started to nod, as he usually did when she told him to do something. It was a firmly ingrained automatic response from him... especially if it was Abby doing the asking.

He stopped himself mid nod, "No. I'm not scaring you like that again. Not ever again."

He picked the worst times to assert himself.

"I will stop you, I promise," she argued, working to keep her voice gentle.

"I… I just…" he sighed, frustrated.

"You trust me?" she asked finally, after the silence had gone on too long.

He nodded, but the helpless frustration behind his eyes was still there. She wasn't sure that it was the truth, and that stung a little. More than a little, but she supposed that she'd not done all that much to earn his trust. It shamed her… Connor was a trusting soul but he'd been burned by her too many times. He might say he trusted her, and he might even believe it… but deep down the uncertainty was still there. Asking for his trust would not convince him.

"You love me?" she asked softly.

"Yes," came his response, immediate and definite.

That was something she was sure of, and she knew he was sure of it, as well. Connor loved her wholly and completely and without reservation, even as little as she deserved it. She looked into his deep brown eyes, so earnest and scared. It wasn't fair to use that against him, but she would. It was all she had, and maybe it would be enough. It had to be.

"Connor… do this for me?" she tried again.

Emotions flowed over his face as he considered what she said, almost too quickly for her to name them.

"What happened before… you didn't do anything wrong," she pressed on, "I knew I should have stopped you, but I didn't. I'll not make that mistake again, I promise. If you love me, Connor… can you trust me with this?" she asked, brushing his cheek in a caress.

He swallowed hard and nodded, unable to stand against her when she couched her request like that. It was dirty and underhanded, but she'd had his best interests at heart. She couldn't make herself press her boundaries, but Connor could. She wanted more than his eyes on her while she was brought off. She wanted his hands on her, his mouth on her… but she couldn't take that step alone. Abby had bravely faced down so many horrifying things in her life with only herself to depend on… but she couldn't do this. She needed him.

She leaned in to close the gap between them, her eyes on his mouth… on his soft lips, slightly parted in anticipation. She grazed her lips over his, inviting him to kiss her again. To kiss her like she knew he wanted to. He closed his eyes and gave a bone deep shudder, said her name against her lips. His eyes opened slowly; he searched her gaze for whatever he seemed to need to move forward. She hoped he found it there.

He closed the distance between them this time, the first brush of his lips on hers soft and sweet, but then his arms were wrapping around her... pulling her to press tightly against him as he settled her in his lap. One of his hands gripped her arse as the other moved along the line of her ribs under her shirt to rest against the side of her breast, his thumb caressing the underside of the curve softly. She pressed herself against his erection; he groaned softly, but the effect was immediate. He deepened the kiss, urgency and need driving him. He took her bottom lip between his teeth in a gentle nip before releasing her mouth in favor of her neck and throat.

She sighed and let her head loll backwards to give him better access as she wound her fingers though his thick dark mop of hair, traced her hands over the tight muscles of his shoulders and chest as they flexed against her. His thumb moved from the side of her breast to her taut nipple in the barest touch; she let the moan escape her lips as she pressed herself to him again. It seemed to be all the encouragement he needed. His fingers brushed over her breast again, lightly teasing before he paused to pull off her shirt. She was glad she'd already removed her bra for the evening; it would have been an unwelcome barrier.

She pulled at the hem of his shirt impatiently; she wanted to be skin to skin. Connor obliged her and shed his t-shirt, but he didn't give her time to drink him in. His mouth was back on her, warm and wet and soft… trailing fire down her body. He rolled his eyes up to watch her as he moved down to give an tentative lick over her breast, grazing the areola.

"Yes," she encouraged.

His mouth closed over her nipple, his tongue swirling around the hard peak. She shuddered; her fingers fisted in his hair, she pulled him tighter. He continued to explore her body with hands and mouth, and when his hands went to the fly of her jeans, a question in his eyes, she nodded. She stepped out of them, along with her knickers and bid him to do the same. He watched her as she stripped, his chest heaving, mouth wet and lips swollen, his dark eyes cloudy with lust.

Connor locked his gaze on hers and held it as he unfastened his jeans and pushed them, along with his boxers, off of his hips to fall on the ground. He stepped out of them and reached out his hand towards her. She took it, and let him pull her flush against him. She ran her hands over his smooth back, down the curve of his arse, back up over his shoulders as she sucked the soft flesh of his throat into her mouth, nipped at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, then down his chest and over his small flat nipples. He was moaning and sighing her name, soft growls of pleasure as she explored him. His erection was pressed against her but it didn't frighten her, not even as his hips moved against hers. This was Connor, and she loved him.

He captured her mouth with his, searing and intense, and it was good to feel his hard naked body pressed to hers, his hands on her. She could hardly think, hardly breathe… she just knew she didn't want it to stop. He broke the kiss before she was ready, leaving her cold and bereft, and dropped to his knees in front of her. Abby was confused for a split second, but then he pressed the softest of kisses below her navel, then another on her inner thigh, before her urged her gently to move her legs further apart for him. Her breath caught, but this was what she wanted, wasn't it?

Connor was waiting, despite the fact that he'd agreed he wouldn't, and she knew he'd not press her if she didn't want this. Stubborn man. He kissed her hip again with another of those soft, tender kisses, his beard prickling as he lay his face against her thigh… but she knew he would move away if she didn't give him a sign that she was willing to accept what he was offering. She was willing, if she could find the courage to accept. She opened to him, silently granting permission.

His hand trailed up the inside of her leg, continued on to brush across her mound. He touched her gently, the merest brush of callused fingertips over her opening.

"Is this okay?" he rasped.

He was looking up at her, his dark hair mussed by her hands, pupils blown wide, eclipsing the dark brown irises. The firelight played over his skin, throwing shadows over the contours of his body. He was beautiful.

The words spilled from her before she could stop them, "oh god, yes,"

His breath left him in a rush, the desire deeply etched into his face. Still, he was careful of her… giving her time to push him away if it became too much. Connor's soft lips feathered over her labia, then her clit, gentle butterfly kisses that left her wanting. She moved her hands from his shoulders to dig into his hair again, urging him to give her more. He obliged her as he closed his mouth over the top of her opening, tasting her with tongue and even the gentle pressure of his teeth. The heat and tension coiled low in her belly; her legs faltered as a wave of pleasure swept over her.

He stopped and pulled away, came to his feet and tugged her gently towards their pallet, "Lie down, Abby."

She smiled timorously and nodded, lying back against their bed. He resumed his position between her legs, his hands smoothing up her thighs as she settled in. His mouth closed over her again and she found she liked this even more. She could relax and just let the sensations wash over her. Abby gasped and cried out; his hot wet mouth teased her as his tongue did remarkable things, then his fingers were playing at her opening. He pulled away enough to gauge her reaction, his thumb continuing to circle her clit as he inserted one finger inside of her. Her body answered for her as her hips rolled, a shuddering moan torn from her lips.

He inserted another finger and fastened his mouth back over her clit. Her hips were rocking against him and she was close. The heat and tension built as he fucked her with his fingers and flicked and circled her clit with his tongue. He sucked hard, and she cried out as it pushed her over the edge. Her nerve endings sang as wave after wave of orgasm hit. She collapsed limply against the pallet and she recovered, still panting and flushed. She let go of him, her hands sore from how tightly she'd held on. Connor was still watching her with rapt attention, his mouth slack and wet.

She smiled dreamily down at him, calm and lethargic in the afterglow, "Come here."

He crawled up her body and laid down alongside her, his fingers traced over her hip and back down as he smiled at her shyly.

"Was it good?" he asked, his voice low and husky.

He was blushing as he asked, and it amused her to no end that he was blushing over such a thing when seconds before he'd been licking at her greedily.

"Yes," she purred.

She felt boneless and calm… brave, even. She took his hard cock in her hand and squeezed gently. He gasped and shuddered, a curse falling from his lips. She gave an experimental stroke, smearing the bead of precum that had risen across his broad head. He moaned low in his throat, his eyes rolling back into his head. She could do this. She could. She wanted to.

She pushed him to lie back as she continued to stroke him languorously. She wanted to taste his smooth soft skin. She wanted to do to him what he'd just done for her. She licked and bit at his nipples, knowing he liked rougher treatment than she did. From his low growls and moans, she knew he was getting desperate for release. He was thrusting against her hand, trying to speed her, but she wanted to take her time and do this right.

She kissed down his ribcage; watched his tight abdominal muscles twitch. Kissed lower still… wet open-mouthed kisses. She circled his navel with her tongue, then down the fine line of dark hair underneath. His breath hitched as he watched her, eyes wide and awed. She could do this. She could.

She gave an experimental lick over the head of his cock; Connor cursed and squeezed his eyes shut. She closed her mouth over his cock, determined to give him this from her. His head flew back again as his hands came up to rest in her hair, encouraging her to continue. It made her nervous… the trapped and hunted feeling washing over her.

"Stop," she managed to get out.

Connor froze, his lust-glazed eyes clearing. He started to shift beneath her, and she stopped him with a look.

"I need a minute, stay there," she whispered.

He swallowed hard, started to speak… cleared his throat and tried again, "You don't have to do this."

It was his hands on her head that had triggered it, but she wanted to do this. She would.

"Lace your fingers behind your head," she instructed; she thought it would work.

"Abby-"

"Connor, do as I ask. Trust me?" she pleaded.

"Okay," he breathed.

Abby's heart hammered as she looked up the line of his body. His defined shoulders and the line of his biceps were fully on display with his arms in this position, she noted appreciatively. She liked it. She was in control, and she could do this for him. She could.

She closed her hand around his cock at the base, her fingers didn't quite touch but she was able to grip him firmly, and then took him into her mouth, swirling her tongue around the head before moving downward. She listened for his moans and growls, and followed the signals of his body. His hips thrust against her, and the muscles and veins stood out on his arms and he struggled to keep his hands in place behind his head.

She loved it. Loved doing this to him… making him writhe and cry out her name in his hoarse broken voice. Loved giving him pleasure, and he'd well earned it.

"I'm about to…" he tried to warn her, breathless and panting.

She wanted that too, from him. She continued to suck at him until his muscles seized and his body shuddered and stiffened. He moaned her name as he came, hot and hard. She swallowed it down and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand before releasing his softening cock.

She crawled up his body and laid her head on his chest, content and satiated. This was a big step, and she'd taken it and enjoyed the taking. Perhaps Connor was right to have hope. Maybe someday she could make love to him… but this experience had certainly felt like making love. Of course, she didn't really know the difference.

"I love you, Abby. That was… amazing," Connor said softly.

He kissed her hair, her cheek, any part of her that landed near his mouth.

She shifted so she could look at him, "I love you, too," she replied, her lips curving in a smile as she took in the lazy contentment on his face.

She rested her head on his chest again and closed her eyes, hope blossoming within her.

END


A/N: Smut needs love too! Please review and feed my muse (and anon reviews are happily accepted). I hope that you liked this, and I think it was a truly groundbreaking step.