I know, I know. Loads of fics to finish, but this one got a little too close to home and I had to write it.

Tis a cry fest my dears! For me writing it anyway, and a cry was needed, for more than one reason!

We're all off to uni these coming weeks and my friends are all going to the other ends of nowhere and I'll miss them all, way too much :') You guys have been with me for years and when we're like 30, I'll be calling you up, meeting the friends who've filled in from your teenage years, meet the people who helped you grow up. And I'll see the kid you were and the adult you've become and I might just cry on you again. For English together! For Drama! For the days we skipped because your company was just the better option and finally, to lazy days with nothing but you guys and a field. X

Anyway! Ah! This fic was born for a completley different reason- but I hope you understand anyway how it fits both ways.

And also, to my mum: Because I do want you to last forever and I can't even fathom what to do without you, without seeing a smile everyday. Love you!

Summary: Growing up. Sammy wanted a Mommy to last forever. That Mommy, was Dean. Sad.

Warning: Tissues? Baby adorable Sammy and Dean!

Disclaimer: I don't have a student loan yet! No ownage here.

To the song, I want a mom that will last forever by Cyndi Lauper.

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom to make it all better

"Dean, I'll be a few hours okay? You remember Jack? He's coming by to watch for you in a little bit. He'll knock once, then call...alright son?"

Big green eyes glanced up to a chubby face that looked too old for his years.

"Yes Dad."

John's eyes crinkled and he gave a sad smile.

"Sammy's asleep. Watch out for him Dean."

One dimple Dean would soon grow out of flashed as he quirked his lips.

"Bye Dad."

And turning, Dean sat next to Sam on the double bed and watched his eyes flutter open.

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom who will love me whatever

Sammy was two, a bright eyed, eager smiling fat fingered clump, that seemed to always be attached to Dean or looking for him, with wide and glossy chocolate eyes.

And everytime Dean bent to pick him up and Sam's arms reached out, fingers closing around Dean's shirts like a lifeline, John felt something was taken away from him.

Mary should've held Sam like that, she should've seen him look at her and smile, gurgle his first words and fist her hair in his tiny hands.

Mary should-


Sam's mouth worked to form the words and he still managed a little garble. John held his breath, felt the knot ride up his throat and his eyes sting.

"Yeah Sammy." John whispered. I know how you feel...

John caught Dean's worried glance and saw his shush Sammy, saw Sam's confused face to words he didn't understand, things he should never know, the life he should never of even been living.

"Mommmeee" Sam said again, his little head swinging round, brown curls dancing as he did.

I want a mom that'll take my hand

And make me feel like a holiday

A mom to tuck me in that night

and chase the monsters away

I want a mom that'll read me stories

And sing a lullybye

And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

Dean didn't go to school all the time, not at first. But John took him everytime he could, growing up was still important to his boys, to him.

To her.


Sam wriggled in John's arms, looking up almost expectantly with doey eyes.

John smiled. keep it together.

"No Sammy,..." John paused, he couldn't tell Sam he didn't have a Mommy, that she wasn't around. Not yet. "Can you say Daddy? Daddy?...Dean?"



I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom to make it all better

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever

"Hey Sammy! You hungry?"

Dean lifted the bowl of spaghetti, flew the spoon like a plane and aimed for Sam's mouth.


Dean paused and looked over to John, hopeful he didn't hear it.

"We don't talk about that Sammy, Daddy gets upset."

Sam almost frowned.


"Always with the questions?" Dean, let the spoon fall back to Sam's dinner.

"She's gone away for a little while Sammy. She loves you though."

When she says to me, she will always be there

To watch and protect me I don't have to be scared

Oh, and when she says to me I will always love you

I won't need to worry 'cause I know that it's true

It got harder as the boys got older and Sam was almost three, Dean was at school most of the time now and John held back a little, stayed with Sammy if he couldn't get a sitter, or Dean and spent some time with his son, his youngest, Mary's boy.

They still moved around and Sam had stopped asking for a mom a few months ago now, John never forgot her though and it turned out neither did Sam.

I want a mom when I get lonely

Who will take the time to play

A mom who can be a friend and find a rainbow when it's gray

I want a mom to read me stories

And sing a lullaby

And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

He was growing fast, the tiny but tall frame for a three year old on his dads bed. Dean was at school and John was watching over him when Sammy started to dream.

It happened a few times actually, but John would never forget the first.

He walked in, sat on the edge of the bed and unlaced his boots.

Sam gurgled, a little between a breath and a word and turned his neck.

John watched in case of a nightmare, and sometimes they themselves got pretty bad and Sam was red faced with screaming tears and the stark fear in his eyes would never fail to clench John's gut.

"Love you mom." Sam breathed, the most delicate of smiles on his lips.

John couldn't quite catch his breath, his eyes glistened over as he watched his youngest.

They didn't talk about Mary, he didn't know where or how Sam had heard those words enough to say them as meaningful and full as he did.

John blinked back tears.

Maybe Angel's were watching over them, Mary for her boys.


I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom to make it all better

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom to make it all better

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever

"Kiddo! Hey! You did it! Dad! Hey Dad! Look at this!"

By the age of four, Sam could tie his own laces, nearly dress himself and he was still the smartest kid in kindergarden, by far.

Sam stood, tall as Dean's chest now, smiling, both dimples flashing with shining greeny-brown eyes now, his hair getting darker as he stood before John with neat bows on his sneakers.

"Dean taught me Dad!"

"Well done Sammy! Dean's a good teacher huh?"

I want a mom

I want a mom

I want a mom that'll last forever

I want a mom that'll last forever

I want a mom

I want a mom

It was one of the many times Sam had asked, but never so deep with emotion that his voice alone made John answer.

"Daddy" Sam swallowed, edging upto his father. "Why don't we have a mom?"

John's eyes closed for a second he saw her pinned, the flames bright and hot and snapped his eyes open.

"W-why do you ask Sammy?"

Sam's nose twitched and his eyebrows furrowed.

"The teacher at school said I had to give this to Mom or Dad,...why isn't she here? I know we don't say anything about it but...I want a mom."

John sniffed, reached for the letter Sam brought home. "I know son. I want one too. But we had one, she was really pretty and...and she smelt sweet all the time, like flowers. And she used to sing to you."

Sam crawled up on John's lap.

"Is she okay?"

"N-no Sammy. She had to go, but it wasn't her choice. We'll see her again one day...but you have to hold on. Wait till you see her, she looks just like you and Dean, and she gives the best hugs."

"Do you miss her Dad?"

John nodded.

"Can we find her?"

John smiled down at Sam and squeezed him in a hug. "I'm looking".

I want a mom that'll last forever

I want a mom

I want a mom that'll last forever

I want a mom that'll last forever

I want a mom...

"SAM! Hey! If you don't wake up now, you'll be late for school!"

No answer.

"Sammy! You'll miss walking that Cindy chick to the bus!"

There was a crash upstairs and Sam came running down, his shoe laces nearly tripping him.

"Don't fall Sammy, tie your laces. You brush your teeth an-"

"Yes Dean" Sam sighed. "Is Dad home?"

"Yeah, he's in the kitchen- if you hurry I'll walk with you to school, we've got time."

Sam grinned and jogged off to the kitchen.

His dad had some new war wounds, a few bandages on his arms and he looked a little haggerd.

"Hey Dad. Dean and me are going to school, will you be home tonight?"

John blinked up at Sam with sad eyes, he looked like he'd been crying.

"Dad? You okay?" Sam paused, standing still. Even when he was five he could give you the compassionate glance, the understanding you needed.

"Y-you know you wondered why we didn't have a Mom Sammy? You said wanted one?"

Sam licked his lips, spoke slow not to upset his dad further.

"Yeah. But I don't need one Dad."

"You don't want a mom anymore?"

"I've got a mom dad. You're looking for her, but I don't need one now."

"I'm not here all the time Sammy, you-"

"I've got a mom." Sam smiled.

John frowned. "What...who?"


John was taken back, and he nearly cried at the smile that broke in his face.

"He's a good teacher huh?"

Sam nodded, all white teeth and dimples.

"And you taught him and so did mom. I don't need anyone else, right Dad?"

"Right son."

"SAMMY! C'mon!"

"You better go kiddo, I'll be home tonight."

The hug at his leg took him by surpise and he eagerly returned the favour.

Sam pulled away. "Mom misses you too Dad, but don't get sad, she's waiting for you to find her." Sam gave such an innocent smile.

Sam had a Mommy, and that was Dean for now.

He'd see Mary again someday, he believed in that and it looked like Sam had his back on it too.

How the kid always knew what to say, he'd never know.

Suddenly he didn't feel so empty.

"Miss you too Mary."

He didn't hear her answer.

The end!

Well...I dunno, it was a weird one, needed to come out- I haven't written in ages! Thanks guys!