In a time of salary cuts, overtime to make up for the extra money he spent at Très Bien, and general uncertainty about his life, Detective Gumshoe wondered about the direction he was taking. As he sat at the small writing desk in his apartment, he couldn't help but think that this happiness he currently felt wouldn't last. That was the way it usually was in his life; things would get a little bit better, and then something would go horribly wrong. He feared that would happen with Maggey sooner or later. He could say, without a doubt, that he loved her, but a part of him still lacked the courage to voice it. Their friendship had certainly grown over the past few months, but the possibility of rejection always existed, and Gumshoe wasn't sure he could bear more heartbreak.
Or even worse, there was the chance that he would push her away. He used to be her boss, after all. Maybe she still held some obligation toward him and viewed him as a superior. Maybe, he thought, she just wanted to be friendly and have a confidante. Whatever the case may be, there was some risk in deciding to pour his heart out to her.
He opened one of the desk drawers, intending to write a letter that would never be sent. Someone once told him that writing his thoughts down in a letter, but not actually sending it, would raise his spirits. Gumshoe wasn't entirely sure he believed that, but he figured he had nothing to lose either way. He retrieved some stationery and a pen from the desk's drawer, and spent the next twenty minutes writing, expressing his deepest thoughts in the best way he knew how, hoping that someday he would be able to say these words aloud. Once it was written, he folded the letter and placed it in an envelope, even going so far as to address it to Maggey.
He stared at it, unsure if he really did feel some relief or if the existence of a ready-to-mail letter was just one more decision to agonize over. Finally, he decided to rip it up and toss it in the wastebasket next to his desk, figuring that the stress of one more way to not express his feelings wasn't worth it.
Gumshoe had his moments where he just wanted to give Maggey a call, or stop by and see her. But at the same time, he feared that he would come on too strong and push her out, leaving him alone. He didn't have much to his name, and he could probably never offer her much in life. A small apartment, frequent pay deductions, a job he wasn't always sure he would have tomorrow, and being a co-creator of the Blue Badger. It was all that he had, and when he added it up, it didn't seem like much. He also had to wonder if he was reading into things too much. He wondered again if Maggey was just looking for companionship and friendship, and wasn't seeking any type of romantic relationship. Or maybe she was, just not with him.
He often doubted himself, mostly because his hard work usually went unnoticed and he had a habit of frequently ruining something important. Gumshoe had to consider that he might be letting himself get carried away, and there was a possibility that he was getting ahead of himself. He sighed, once again at a loss of what to do with his life. He was a bit lonely, he had to admit, with most of his friends always being busy with cases and other activities. Gumshoe would occasionally take Missile, the dog he had trained for the police force, out on walks on days when he didn't have work, mostly just to give himself something with which he could occupy his time. Everyone else that he knew had their own lives to live, and they had somebody close to them to enjoy that time with.
Sometimes it seemed like the cards were just stacked against him. In high school he ran track and field, but despite his height and his speed his nerves would always get the better of him, and he would finish last. He had always been a nervous kid, and after a traumatic experience as a teenager, he had retreated further into his own shell.
When he finally got hired as a police officer, he had thrown himself into his work. There were plenty of missteps along the way, but Gumshoe was incredibly fond of his bosses, even if Mr. Edgeworth had taken some time to come around to him. He kept his heart guarded after his youth, only allowing the walls to slip when his job called for him to interact with children. He loved kids, and from time to time he hoped that someday he would get to have children of his own.
It wasn't until he met Maggey that Gumshoe had felt a strong connection with another person again. He found her attractive, sure, and was immediately taken with her smile, but the more he worked with her the more he admired her. Maggey was a good policewoman - honest, dedicated, always trying to help those who needed it. But like most parts of her life, he guessed, many failed to look past her timidness and the rumors of an office curse.
Gumshoe sighed. Once again, it was the usual situation. He was left with conflicting feelings and uncertainty, but he decided that the best thing he could do would be to take his relationship with Maggey one day at a time. He was grateful for every minute they spent together, and he didn't want to do anything that may place that in jeopardy. He stood up from the desk, turning off the lamp as he did so, and walked down the hall towards his bedroom.
Surely he felt better now.