A/N: My goal is to make you laugh. If you don't at least smile while reading this, then I have failed, miserably.
Mad thanks to jerseybones and Lanaa Taurof for beta'ing and generally fixing everything that was wrong with story.
Normal disclaimers of "they're not mine" and "no harm intended" do apply.
This is gonna be AWESOME!
Booth imagined the word awesome in bright lights, flashing and blinking like it belonged on the Vegas strip. He slid the keycard into the lock and pulled it back out, waiting for the light to change color. Nothing! Impatiently, he repeated the motion. The little red light shined proudly, as if it were flipping him off. Brennan stole the card from him, flipped it upside down and slid the card in and out smoothly. This time, the light turned a vibrant green and Booth pushed on the handle. So what if he had put in the key the wrong way. Twice. That did not mean he was nervous. No, no way, no how was he nervous. He was fine.
"Whoa, Bones, this place is fantastic. Look at that view!"
"Yes, Booth, it's one of the reasons I chose this location. It also has a large Jacuzzi tub that I would like to utilize later."
"Sounds great, Bones."
This suite is breathtaking, but then again, so is he.
Brennan stood next to Booth, staring at him while he gazed out onto the Washington Monument with a silly grin on his face. Booth seemed to love the room, which made her happy. She knew that just through the door to the left was the most exquisite wrought-iron canopy bed. Beyond the bedroom lay a large bathroom with the aforementioned sunken Jacuzzi tub. The rumors of the honeymoon suite at the Willard did not do it justice. Not that she was going to tell Booth she had rented the honeymoon suite. That would bring up an entire set of issues she was not prepared to discuss tonight. Tonight was all about them taking the next step; just not that next step. Cataloging her response to the thought of marriage, she was surprised at her lack of negativity. Maybe her thoughts on marriage were changing.
"Hey, Bones, come here." Booth mentally berated himself for his not quite-so-romantic beckon.
Okay, come on now. She's a lady; treat her with class. I mean, look at the place she picked out! Just stop acting like a teenage jackass and this night will be perfect.
Brennan turned around at his words and walked confidently towards him. She seemed completely unfazed by his choice of wording, of which Booth was grateful. His eyes trailed over her body as she approached, appreciating how her trench coat accentuated her curves. Unbuttoning her coat, he pulled it from her shoulders before carefully hanging it in the closet. Brennan smoothed her skirt and blouse before feeling Booth's eyes on her. He could not help but smile at her nervous gesture. The fact that she was nervous helped him a little. They stared at each other for a moment, knowing that there was no going back after this night. Booth let his eyes slide shut before leaning in to kiss her. He heard Brennan take in a quick breath, but instead of the feel of tongues tangling, his tongue met her cheek.
"Brennan," she said in a very business-like tone as she answered her vibrating phone. Pulling away slightly, she rubbed her wet cheek on the lapel of his suit jacket.
He missed? Booth was an excellent shot; he never missed. He was a grown man with a child, so obviously kissing was not new to him. But he missed! Bones pulled even further away from him and went to the table to write something down. Watching her, Booth corrected himself. He hadn't missed, she had pulled away. She had pulled away to answer a stupid phone call.
Booth does not seem happy that I answered the phone. Maybe this was not appropriate action considering the circumstances.
Brennan copied down the information her publicist rattled off to her, knowing Booth would give her the space she needed. He understood her busy schedule, but she was unsure of how understanding he would be in this situation.
"Bones," he muttered before sliding her hair behind her shoulder. "Hang up the phone."
Before she could reply, Booth began placing tiny kisses up and down her jaw line. She shuddered at the delicate touches and grabbing his tie, pulled him closer. The scent of his aftershave combined with his own unique male scent enveloped her, making her forget about her publicist completely.
"Temperance? Are you still there?"
"Yeah, Bones, answer your publicist. Are you still here?" Booth whispered quietly before nipping her lobe lightly.
"Yes, yes, I'm still here," she replied, attempting to focus on her publicist.
"Okay, so your next book signing will be Thursday."
"That sounds fine," Brennan interrupted. "I'll talk to you later."
Ignoring the protests coming out of her phone, she hung up. She had much more important things to focus on, like the sexy man in front of her. His mouth opened to say something, but she cut him off with her mouth. It could not be that important. His lips bit at hers playfully before soothing with a swipe of his tongue.
"I'm sorry I answered my phone."
"It's okay, just don't do it again," Booth chided softly before reaching down for another kiss.
"Okay," she sighed into his mouth. His mouth fit against her so perfectly, Brennan wondered if she could ever tire of it. Grabbing his tie again, she pulled while walking backwards towards the couch. Humming appreciatively at his cooperation, she opened her mouth wider to allow his tongue to rub against hers softly. Thinking that a make-out session on the couch was an excellent way to begin the night, Brennan leaned back. And back and back until she realized she was not where she thought she was. Falling backwards, Brennan grabbed at the closest thing to stop her fall. Unfortunately, the closest thing was Booth. She hit the carpeted floor with a thud and Booth landed on top of her with a resounding "Oomph."
Oh God, I killed her. Squished her flat like a bug.
Booth felt that breath rush out of her as he landed on her. He had felt the exact moment when she realized the couch was further away than she thought. Brennan had tensed up, her sense of balance gone and grabbed for him. Since he was already leaning over, he knew this would not end well. He quickly rolled off her and sat up.
"Bones, are you okay?"
She nodded fervently as she struggled for breath. Closing her eyes for a moment, Brennan got her breathing under control. Booth stood up first, offering his hand, but was not surprised when she ignored it and got up on her own.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He reiterated, brushing her hair off her forehead and following it with a kiss.
"Yes. I believe that kissing you distracted me and therefore my depth perception and spatial recognition were compromised."
"Oh, so it's my fault?" he questioned, the smile evident in his voice. Booth loved it when she got all squinty.
Instead of arguing, Booth pulled Brennan from the couch and towards the bedroom. On the way, Booth trapped her between himself and the wall. Her breath hitched again as he captured her lips with his own. The soft sounds of wet lips and dueling tongues filled the suite. A soft moan escaped her throat, echoed by a groan from his.
"Bedroom?" Brennan whispered.
Booth allowed her to slip away from him, whimpering at the loss. With a cocky grin on her face, Brennan crooked her finger as she carefully walked backwards into the bedroom. Pulling his jacket off, he dropped it on the floor, not caring at all that it would be a wrinkled mess. She laughed and stepped out of each shoe before bouncing on the bed.
"Care to join me, Agent Booth?"
Now, despite the fact that he watched her kick off her shoes, watching Bones bounce on the bed a bit before patting the empty space in front of her seemed to short-circuit his brain. Loosening his tie, he took two steps before his right foot twisted painfully. Matching looks of surprise graced their faces as Booth tipped over for the second time in just minutes. Unable to stop himself, Booth fell partially onto the bed, knocking his knee against the wrought-iron frame and his head on her knee. He fell onto floor in a heap of swears and curses, a hand on each injury.
Great. How many ways can I injure one person in one night? He's never going to touch me again.
"Booth, are you okay?" Brennan jumped off the bed to kneel next to him. She hovered, unsure if she should touch him. Would she make it better or worse? Carefully nudging his hand away from his forehead, she examined him. Already a bump was forming and she gently pressed a kiss against it. Somehow, that felt like the most intimate thing they had done all night.
Brennan cradled Booth against her chest, running a hand through his hair reassuringly. She felt the tension in his body drain away as he continued to rub his knee.
"Why is this so hard?"
"Bones, it's my head. Of course it's hard."
"Booth, that's not what I mean. I thought things between us would be easy, natural. They're not."
"I don't know."
They sat in silence for a bit, neither one willing to move forward, yet neither one willing to step back either. Brennan knew her attraction to Booth was more than just physical and that spurred her into action. Unfortunately, Booth seemed to have the same idea at the same time. Grabbing for each other, Brennan poked Booth in the eye while he bumped his forehead sharply against her nose. They pulled away from each other, moaning in pain.
"Okay, seriously, please just sit there and don't move."
"I'm serious, Bones. Not a muscle."
Booth wiped away the tears now falling from his eye as he stood up. Brennan watched him carefully, hoping that she had not dislocated one of the discs in his back from sitting in such an awkward position on the floor. Once again, he offered his hand to help her up. This time, she graciously accepted it. He laid her on the bed, placing a tender kiss on her nose. She reciprocated by placing one upon his temple. He believed that they could do this; she could see it in his smile. Booth was now determined to make this night perfect for them.
I've kissed her before and it was good. I should not feel like a horny virgin who doesn't know what to do with a girl.
Booth concentrated on making his partner feel good, but something was still…off. This was it, this was the moment he had been waiting for years for and it sucked. Booth felt like his hands were too big, like he was pawing at her. Between licking her face, tripping over her shoes and smacking her in the face, he felt embarrassed. His first time as a teenager was not this bad. He did not feel like the self-assured, suave FBI Agent he knew he could be, and often was, in bed. They were meant to be together though; he had to prove that to Bones.
I've kissed him before and it was so good. Why does this feel so awkward?
Brennan attempted to ignore her thoughts and focus on Booth. She was taking a huge step, risking everything to admit that she had feelings for this man. It was almost as if admitting those feelings made their chemistry dissipate. This sexual experience seemed to be lacking in every way except for disasters. Brennan felt unsure of where to place her hands, almost as though she were in the way. Settling for his face, Booth hissed as she hit his wounded forehead. She shrank away from him, fearing she might break him. The self-confident, sexual woman she prided herself on being was nowhere to be seen.
She seems scared of me. Am I being too aggressive?
Instead of leaning into his touches, Booth noticed that she was shying away from him. He trailed his kisses down her throat and began unbuttoning her blouse. He could make this good for her, he really could. Pausing, he looked down at her. This was Bones, his Bones and she was beautiful. Her long brown hair was like a halo around her head and opening her eyes, Booth felt sucker-punched. Those eyes got him every time.
Now he's stopped doing anything. Am I not being responsive enough? Maybe he wants me to be more aggressive.
Brennan opened her eyes and found Booth just staring at her, slightly slack-jawed. She felt trapped, lying beneath him while he had a knee on either side of her hips. Brennan pushed at him slightly so she could sit up. Since her blouse was unbuttoned, she shrugged it off and dropped it over the side of the bed. Taking some initiative, she began to kiss him enthusiastically. She continued to press against Booth until he was flat on his back and she was on top. She could be aggressive. She could be in charge.
Okay, what the hell just happened? One minute she was lying beneath me, all pliant and willing, and the next she's going wild.
Booth flinched as Brennan bit at his lips a little too hard. She made quick work of his shirt and scraped her nails down his chest. Booth whimpered as she scraped his nipple, but not in a good way. At least she rubbed the nipple in apology before resuming her path to his belt. Booth cupped her face, hoping to gentle her kiss, but to no avail. Another bite caused him to wrench away from her sharply, staring at her as if she had lost her mind. He licked his lip in an attempt to soothe it, and she seemed to take it as an invitation to suck on his tongue.
What's wrong now? I have no shirt on and he's touching my face? Hello! I have breasts!
Brennan moaned in frustration around his tongue. Booth was a breast man. He fully admitted that one night after a tough case and too much scotch. Another thought crossed her mind and she grinned. Maybe Booth would respond better if she took her bra off. She hurriedly unclipped and tossed it on top of her shirt. Booth's hands were now on her thighs, rubbing in circles. They both still had their pants on and Booth seemed to be frozen again, this time, his eyes focusing entirely on her boobs. Taking matters into her own hands, Brennan guided his hands up her body until they landed firmly on her breasts. He caught on quickly and swiped both thumbs over her nipples. She moaned again, but this time in pleasure.
Her moan sounds so sexy. Now we're getting somewhere!
Booth smiled appreciatively as Bones rocked her hips in time with his thumbs. He switched things up a bit by removing a hand and replacing it with his lips and tongue. His now free hand trailed down to undo her pants. The button came undone easily, but the zipper was a different story. It moved an inch and then stopped. Booth pulled harder, but it did not budge. He yanked one more time and Brennan let out a yelp of pain.
That is not something I consider pleasing in bed. Maybe Booth and I are not as sexually compatible as I originally thought.
"Oww! Booth, what was that? If you have a certain fetish, you should have mentioned that before we began."
Brennan gripped her left breast in her hand, rubbing softly as she leaned away from him. She failed to notice the look of shock on his face.
"Fetish? What fetish? Your zipper was stuck."
"What does my zipper have to do with my breast?"
"Bones, I don't think we're having the same conversation."
"You bit me. Does this mean you have odaxelagnia?"
"Odaxa-what? And I bit you?" he asked incredulously. Focusing entirely on getting her pants off, he had stopped paying attention to everything else, namely his mouth. Not his best move in bed.
"Odaxelagnia is a biting fetish."
Booth was rendered speechless. A biting fetish? This sexual excursion just kept getting worse and worse.
"I do not have a biting fetish."
"Booth, there is no reason to be ashamed. There are numerous fetishes other than odaxelagnia, including retifism, zoophilia, necrophilia…"
"Okay, Bones, I get it. There are tons of freaks in the world. I am not a freak."
Brennan opened her mouth to respond, but a scathing look from Booth stopped her. At this point, they were lying side by side, not touching each other. She was absently stroking her breast to sooth the bite mark. Leaning up on one elbow, Booth examined her chest.
"Oh, baby, I am so sorry," he whispered as he gently pushed her hand to the side and rubbed a finger over the red mark he had put there.
"Do not call me baby. I am a grown woman perfectly capable of taking care of myself."
Please, please God. Smite me right now. That would be preferable to this situation.
Groaning in frustration, Booth fell onto his back and slung an arm over his eyes, re-irritating his eye. Sex with Bones was supposed to be wonderful and perfect and sexy, and this was just not. In fact, he was not even aroused any more. Lifting his arm he peeked at his crotch. Yep, definitely an erection-free area. He covered his eyes again, hoping he could just disappear through the mattress.
This may very well qualify as the worst sexual experience I have encountered thus far in my life.
Brennan pursed her lips at her unhappy thought. This was not working out the way she had hoped.
"There are times in an experiment when the theoretical outcome and the experimental outcome are so drastically different that the percent difference does not fall within a reasonable margin of error."
"What are you talking about Bones?"
"There are numerous possibilities for a high percent difference including human error, faulty equipment and/or a poorly designed experiment."
Reading people was not her strong suit, but she was almost completely sure that confusion was present on his face. That meant that she was not being clear. Unsure of what to do, she climbed off the bed. Picking up her clothes, she disappeared into the hallway.
"Bones, what are you doing? Where are you going?"
"Booth, I believe this was a very poorly designed experiment. So now I'm putting on my pajamas and going to bed." She reappeared, carrying her overnight bag. "I fully expect you to stay, so don't worry about that."
"Booth, this isn't working. I need to rethink some things to see if I can get this to be pleasurable for both of us."
Before he could stop or respond to her, Brennan slid into the bathroom and shut the door. She blew out a breath she did not know she had been holding. Glancing at her reflection in the mirror, she only knew one thing: Angela had been very, very wrong. Sleeping with Booth was not a life-altering experience. It had been a disaster.
A/N: Questions, comments, concerns? Just hit review and let me know... :)