A/N: This is really sad but I felt like writing some angst today.



Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush

James sighs as he lies awake in his bed. It's four thirty in the morning but James doesn't even care. It's not like he's sleeping anyway. So whatever! James doesn't feeling like sleeping right now. A year ago from today, his mom was taken away from him. She had been driving home from work when she was involved in a head on collision. She ended up rolling over and crashing into a tree.

But the last time James cried about it was the day that it happened. Since then, he has built a wall around himself. And that wall is very hard to break down. Even when he feels like crying, he doesn't. He has to be strong for his dad and little sister. They need him to be strong, not weak.

James Diamond isn't going to be weak. Not when his loved ones need him.

He sighs as he throws the covers off of him. He slowly stands up and walks out of the room that he shares with Kendall.

If he isn't going to fall asleep, why should he stay in bed?

He takes a deep breath as he collapses onto the couch. He buries his face in his hands. He sniffles and tries to hold back his tears.

He looks over at a picture on the coffee table. It is one of him and Jenna. Jenna was only two years old in that picture(She's three now). She was sitting on James lap and he had his arms wrapped tightly around her. James has always felt very protective of the little girl and it breaks his heart knowing that Jenna isn't going to have her mother around.

He smiles weakly as he stares at the picture. Jenna is the spitting image of her older brother. The brown hair, hazel eyes, and that heart melting smile.

James and Jenna aren't like most siblings. You know, the ones on TV that are always fighting.

They are closer than that. When Jenna couldn't sleep, she would always climb into James bed, asking him to sing her to sleep. And James would do it. He would do anything for that little girl. He loves her so much.


James recognizes that voice. She has been a second mother to him since he was a little kid.

"Mrs. Knight!" He says, wiping his eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I was in yours and Kendall's room when I noticed that you weren't in your bed." She says, sitting next to him. She rests her hand on his back. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah!"James says, putting on the best smile he could come up with.

With one arm wrapped around his shoulders, Mrs. Knight uses her other hand to grab his.

"James, you've gotta stop keeping everything locked up inside." She says softly. "It's not healthy."

"I'm fine." James says, sniffling.

Mrs. Knight listens to his sniffling. She knows that he wants to cry but is holding it in. She really wishes that he wouldn't do that. He needs to let out his emotions.

"You should talk about it, James." She tells him.

"Mrs. Knight, I-I'm fine." James stammers.

Mrs. Knight sighs. She really wants him to talk about it but she doesn't want to force him either. She leans over to kiss his temple.

"I'm always here if you need me." She whispers, squeezing his hand.

"Thanks." James says softly. He turns to look at her. "Would it be okay if I went to the pool for a while?"

Mrs. Knight looks over at the alarm clock on the small table next to the couch.

"James, it's four thirty six in the morning." She says. "You need to sleep."

"Please." James says quietly. "I just can't sleep right now."

Mrs. Knight sighs softly.

"Okay." She says.

"Thanks." James says as he stands up.

"Take a jacket." Mrs. Knight says. Los Angeles is a very hot city but it can get pretty cold at night.

James nods as he walks to his room. He grabs a grey hoodie from the closet. He puts it on over his white T shirt.

When he walks out of the room, Mrs. Knight pulls him into a tight hug. She kisses his forehead gently.

"Don't stay out too long."

"I won't." James says before walking out of the apartment. A tear falls down his cheek but he quickly wipes it away. He wants to cry so bad but he just can't do it. Something is keeping him from revealing his true feelings.

He walks into the elevator and presses the button for the first floor. He leans against the wall and breathes deeply.

He clutches his hair, feeling so frustrated. How could his life become so messed up in just one year? One year ago, his mom was still alive. Now she isn't.

He is brought out of his thoughts when the elevator beeps. The door opens and he steps into the empty lobby. He gulps as he walks out to the pool area. He just needs to be alone right now.

He sits on a lawn chair and stares up at the night sky. His mother is up there, watching over him. At least, that's what his dad always told him. But James wants her to be here on earth, with James, Jenna, and their dad. They all need her here. She was only thirty six years old. She was too young to die. It's not fair that someone like his mom had to be killed by a drunk driver. He would never wish something like that on anyone. It's a horrible experience. Knowing that someone was stupid enough to drink and then get behind the wheel of a car. Get a designated driver or don't drink at all!

His stomach is starting to hurt and he wraps his arm around it, trying to ignore the pain. His chest hurts too. Maybe it's his heart breaking. Who is he kidding? His heart couldn't break anymore than it already has.

He feels like he is going to be sick. He wishes that he could just wake up one day and see his mom sitting on his bed, kissing his cheek in an attempt to wake him up in the morning. He misses that so much. He can't stand it.

He leans back in the lawn chair, his mind drifting back to that horrible day.

James, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan had just been Duluth East in the hockey game. All of the boys were thrilled because Duluth is a tough team to beat.

"We won! We won!" Carlos says in a sing song voice as he dances.

"Shut up! Shut up!" Logan says in the same tone.

"You're a jerk." Carlos mutters.

"And you're an idiot." Logan retorts. Before you know it, the boys are in a slap fight. Kendall and James just watch the two boys fighting, not even trying to stop it. Come on, you have to admit, it's pretty hilarious watching the boys fight each other.

Well, as long as they don't hurt and/or kill each other.

Kendall smiles in amusement until he sees James house. The Diamond household is normally so peaceful. Today, it is the exact opposite. There are police cars and ambulances everywhere. Mr. Diamond is talking to a police man. He looks like he has been crying. Kendall notices Jenna standing next to him, looking so confused and innocent. What could be wrong?

"James?" Kendall questions nervously.

"What?" James asks. He frowns at the worry in Kendall's voice. He follows Kendall's gaze until his eyes land on his home. The scene is definately something to be worried about. Logan and Carlos stop fighting and stare at the scene. By now, they have completely forgotten about their fight.

The car stops and the boys immediately jump out the car. Mrs. Knight follows close behind.

"Dad, what's going on?" James asks.

"James..."Samuel Diamond says tearfully.

James kneels down and lifts Jenna into his arms. He kisses her cheek gently. He looks at his father.

"Dad, please." He says, his voice cracking. "What's going on? What happened?"

Samuel whispers something to the policeman who nods before walking away. Samuel puts his arm around James shoulders and leads him to the front steps off their home. They sit down and Samuel keeps his arm around James shoulders.

"James, there was...an accident today." He says, unsure of how to break this news to his son.

"Dad, just tell me." James says harshly.

"Your mom was in a car accident, james. She was hit by a drunk driver."

"Is she okay?" James asks frantically. His worry becomes stronger when Jenna starts crying again. "Dad?"

"The paramedics took her to the hospital but she was already gone, James." Samuel says. "She's dead."

All the noise seems to fade away until James can hear nothing. He stares at his father with a blank expression.

"You're lying." He says, becoming angry. His lungs feel like they are on fire. He can't breathe. What's happening to him?

"James, I'm not lying." Samuel says calmly.

"She's not dead!" James says, shaking his head. He puts Jenna down before standing up.


"Dad, please tell that you're lying to me!" James shouts. His friends stare at him with worry.

"I wish I was, buddy."

"No...No...It can't..." James says as tears begin to roll down his cheeks. Samuel immediately pulls his son into a hug. James begins sobbing uncontrollably.

Kendall watches as Samuel pulls James into a hug. He notices that James is shaking and sobbing, which makes Kendall worry more than he already is.

He immediately rushes over to them. He rests his hand on James back.

"James? Buddy, what's wrong?"

But James can only mumble incoherently as he continues sobbing. Kendall looks at Samuel, waiting for an answer.

"Kendall, something happened to James mom today." Samuel says carefully. James begins crying even harder and Samuel rubs his back gently. "Shhh. I'm here, buddy."

"Mr. Diamond, what..."

"His mom was killed in a car accident today. She was hit by a drunk driver." Samuel says. Kendall's eyes widen in horror. This can't be happening. He just saw Mrs. Diamond yesterday. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan had been at James house, working on homework. Mrs. Diamond had brought some pizza bagels for the boys. She was always so sweet and caring.

"Can I..." Kendall asks quietly. Mr. Diamond looks down at his distraught son before looking at Kendall.

"Sure." He says. Kendall pulls James away from his dad and hugs him tightly.

"Shhhh." He whispers, rubbing his friends back.

"Kendall, what's going on?" Logan asks as he and Carlos walk over to them. "What happened?"

"James mom was hit by a drunk driver." Kendall says as he hugs James.

"James..." Logan says, staring at his friend. He and Carlos join the hug. James struggles to breathe and tries to stop sobbing. But he is finding it to be very difficult. He feels like he's suffocating.

"We're here for you, James." Kendall whispers. "We'll always be here for you."

End flashback

Kendall and the other guys kept that promise. Which James is very grateful for.

But that does nothing to ease the pain that he is feeling.

He sits up and pulls his knees up to his chest. He buries his face in his knees, breathing deeply.

"James." Someone whispers. But James doesn't even bother lifting his head. He doesn't have the strength for that right now.

He feels the person wrap their arms around his shoulders.

"Hey, bud." The person whispers. "Look at me."

James responds by shaking his head.

"Please, buddy."

James hears the desperation in their voice and he slowly raises his head to find Kendall staring at him. Logan and Carlos are standing behind him, looking at James with concern.

"Didn't Mrs. Knight tell you guys that I wanted to be alone?" James asks bitterly.

"James, don't push us away." Carlos says, sitting on the lawn chair.

James scoffs and shakes his head as he turns away from them.

"If you're here to try and get me to talk, don't even bother."

"James..." Logan says.

"I'm serious." James says, standing up. "I don't need the sympathy, okay? I'm perfectly fine."

Kendall looks up at his friend. James isn't fine. Kendall isn't buying that. James is like his little brother(James may be taller, but he's three months younger than Kendall) and he knows the boy inside and out. He can tell when James is okay or not. And right now, he is far from it. It's totally obvious. He just wishes that James would admit it.

He stands up and gently grabs James arm.

"Please, just let me go." James says through clenched teeth. Carlos and Logan frown at the boy. They have never seen him angry before.

James looks very angry right now but it isn't the kind of anger that is meant to scare a person. This isn't real anger. It's just a cover up to hide his emotional pain.

He runs his hands through his hair as he tries to walk away from them. But Kendall pulls him back. James isn't getting away that easily.

"Shouldn't you guys be in bed?" James asks. "It's almost five in the morning."

"We don't care, James." Kendall says. "We woke up and we remembered what today is, so we wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"Please, just sit down." Carlos pleads. James doesn't even protest as he collapses onto one of the lawn chairs. He buries his face in his hands once again.

"James, you're our brother and we care about you." Kendall says. "We just don't understand why you refuse to show any emotions around us. You don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to cry."

James laughs bitterly as he shakes his head.

"Kendall, I don't feel like crying, okay? I am fine. Really."

"We don't believe you." Kendall says.

"Guys, I'm okay! Just let it go!" James tries to yell but his voice cracks instead.

"James, why won't you talk to us?" Logan asks. "We just want to help you."

"I...I can't." James says quietly.

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan look at each other with confusion before turning their attention back to James.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I can't talk to you guys about it.'" James says softly. "It's too hard."

"James, it's not that hard to talk to us." Kendall says. "Remember our promise? We promised that we would be here for you. James, you can always talk to us. And if you want to cry, that's okay."

James sits there, totally silent. The stomach ache is still there and his chest still feels like it's on fire.

He whimpers quietly. His friends insist that its okay to cry but he is just terrified of being seen as weak. He has always been the strongest out of the four boys. Sure, Kendall was always the leader, but James was the strong one. When everyone else was falling part, he was the one that stayed calm.

Maybe that's why Jenna looked up to him. When Jenna was upset, she would usually go to James for comfort. And he would do that. He would comfort her. That's the whole thing. He always comforted them.He didn't give anyone else the opportunity to comfort him. Sure, his dad comforted him when his mom died. That was the first time that anyone had comforted him.

He can feel himself falling apart. The wall that he has built around himself is slowly starting to crumble as tears begin falling down James cheeks.

"Oh...James..." Kendall says softly. He looks at Carlos and Logan with a stern look. The boys nod before joining the hug. James isn't totally sobbing yet but he is close to it. His breathing is becoming heavier and the tears are falling at a rapid pace.

James crying escalates to sobbing. He is shaking with violent sobs and his friends look at him with worry. They told him that it was okay to cry but they are starting to regret saying that. Because this is just heartbreaking.

James has always been so confident and happy, now he is completely falling to pieces. And that scares his friends more than anything.

"James?" Kendall asks, looking at him with worry. James is struggling to breathe as he sobs.

"Guys, what do we do?" Carlos asks nervously.

"Logan!" Kendall says. "He's freaking out!"

Logan kneels in front of James who is holding his head in his hands.

"James? Buddy? Hey, I need to you breathe, okay? Just breathe."

James gasps as he tries to catch his breath. The boys sigh with relief when James breathing slowly returns to normal.

"Good." Logan whispers.

"I miss her." James says tearfully.

The other three boys look at him with sympathy.

"We know, James." Kendall says softly.

"I have spent this past year holding my family together." James says weakly. His voice is still pretty shaky as he speaks. "I have tried...so hard to be strong for them. And Jenna...Jenna needed her big brother to be there for her. She didn't need me to fall apart. She needed me to take care of her."

"James, you need to take care of yourself too. You can't always been strong for everyone else. Sometimes it's okay to worry about yourself." Kendall says. "Because if you don't take care of yourself, how are you doing to take care of anyone else?"

James slowly looks at Kendall.

The pain in his chest and stomach is slowly starting to fade away. Of course, it stills hurts little, but not as much as it did before.

"Kendall's right, man." Carlos says. "Before you can even think about caring for someone else, you need to take care of yourself."

"I know." James says softly. "I just didn't want anyone to think I'm weak or something."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan look at him with wide eyes.

"Is that what you thought?" Logan asks. "That we would think you're weak?"

"Well...Yeah." James says, looking up.

"James, that's not true." Kendall says, shaking his head. "You are one of the strongest people we know. We don't care if you cry, we'll still think of you as the strongest person we have ever met."

James sniffles.


Kendall smiles softly.


James smiles back and the other guys pull him into a hug once again. Having his best friends here makes James feel a little better. The four boys always stick together, through the good and the bad. They have always been there for each other and they're not about to stop now.