I do not own Harry Potter. If I did I'd be filthy rich. This fic was written around the time JKR outed Dumbledore (in October 2007) and won a crackfic festival contest on Livejournal. This is definitely an alternate timeline/universe/thingy kind of fic. Do not take it seriously. Just enjoy the ride.

"Welcome, welcome, to another year at Hogwarts!" said Albus Dumbledore, standing at his owl-candelholder

podium in the Great Hall. He was wearing a plum coloured suit, tailored by Madam Malkin's lesbian sister, Madam Muumuu.

"Now, I have an announcement! Filch, the lights!" shouted Dumbledore, and suddenly, all thecandles went out, soon replaced by shiny pink sparklers and a disco ball was being Wingardium Leviosad as he spoke.

"My fellow Hogwartians, I would like to announce that I, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, am GAY." A cheer erupted through the school, and then Dumbledore disappeared in a blast of purple smoke, only to return wearing nothing but a sparkly black thong and tight purple high-heeled cowboy boots.

"Are you ready to PARTAAAYYYY?" shrieked the gay headmaster, and soon he was cavorting round the Hall, with "Beat It" by Michael Jackson blasting through the air as if by invisible stereos.

The doors burst open and there stood Lockhart in a chartreuse loincloth, being pulled on a leash by Hagrid, who was wearing a pimped-out new vest and tie, complete with pimp hat. The school was going nuts. "Homosexua Bannerius!" shrieked Hagrid, and soon the whole school was covered by the LTGB color, rainbow.

House-elves with vibrators started parading in, with Snape wearing a Speedo leading them. "Hey Big Gay Al, I got the elves!" said Snape drunkenly. "This is the greatest party EVER," thought Dumbledore, as he cavorted through the tables.

Filch came in, wearing drag and making love with Umbridge as he walked. "Whoa...Argus...nice choice!" said Snape, winking. "I-can't-reach-you-dear!" grunted Umbridge, who was wearing a silk pink nightie and holding a mock Slytherin's locket in her free hand. The other was down Filch's pants.

As Madam Hooch and Trelawney came in, doing a chorus line in burlesque outfits, Fluffy the three-headed dog bounded into the Hall, sucking on a toy penis and drooling.

"That's meh Fluffeh!" smiled Hagrid the pimp.

As the night went on, the party got even more wild. As Harry and Ginny shagged in public, Ron and Hermione went and had a little fun with the elves. Hagrid rode on Fluffy, and suddenly, the windows broke and in came Lupin, riding Greyback...as you can see, the party went on for about 4 days. And after that, Dumbledore was seen cavorting in a rainbow thong in his office that night.