An: I was reading this and my inner perfectionist spotted the many mistakes and grammatical errors and kept bothering me until I corrected them, sorry if I got anyone's hopes up.
It was just an average lunchtime...my two best friends and I were sitting on the steps as normal having a completely random conversation. The conversation turned towards the proper way to wave at someone, my friend did this really gay-looking wave and my other friend and I burst out laughing. She retorted 'Blame my Dad!' and we both looked at her in an 'okay...' sort of way, she then hurriedly told us that he'd got her watching this program in which they do the wave. Our conversation turned to how awkward it would be if somebody thought their dad was gay and they wanted to ask them about it...and thus a plot-bunny was born...
DISCLAIMER: I no owny Harry Potter! JK Rowling owny! Me just crazed fan!
WARNING: This fanfiction is completely stupid and may just ruin your sanity...also contains scenes of drunkenness and one very heavy make out session between two males wearing only their boxer shorts...not suitable for de little kiddies! Or Homophobes!
'So Lucius...my trustee death eater...do you have any news on the potter boy?' Tom Riddle asked, from his lounging spot on the sofa in one of the many living rooms of Malfoy Manor.
'Why yes, my lord. Potter was spotted in London, doing his Christmas shopping.' Lucius replied, from his standing spot next to the fireplace.
'In September?' Tom Riddle asked incredulously, not believing a word of it. Why would anyone buy presents this early was beyond him. He couldn't even be bothered to do it on Christmas Eve, let alone four months early!
'Well some people like to be organised!' Lucius replied before adding hurriedly, 'Not that you aren't organised my lord...'
'Hmm...quite...' Tom eyed Lucius in a way that seemed to dare him to call him disorganised.
'There is more news my lord!' Lucius announced, eager to change the subject, 'We have located the Hotel in which he is staying! There is a plan to go and capture him tomorrow night!'
'Hmm...well that is good news...how about some Fire-whiskey to celebrate, hmm?'
'Of course my lord!' Lucius walked over to the small mahogany table next to the fireplace and poured out two glasses of Fire-whiskey. He handed one to Tom and kept the other glass to himself.
'A toast!' declared Tom Riddle, 'To our not-to-distant future capture of the annoying Potter brat!'
'To the capture of the annoying Potter brat!' Lucius agreed, raising his glass to his lips and taking a small sip.
Half-an-hour later and the two men had finished all four bottles of Fire-whiskey kept in the room.
'Thish ish a dishashter!' Slurred Tom, 'How cansh we get drunksh ifsh theresh no more booze!'
'I thinksh that we are already drunksh, marshhter!' Observed Lucius, swaying slightly.
Tom looked up a Lucius in wonder, 'You know...your really sexchshee when your drunksh!'
'I know! I'm alwayshh sexchshee!' Lucius replied, doing the hair swish off of a certain advert that is circulating tv channels nowadays.
'Come here then! I want to kissch you! My sexchshee little sherrvent!'
Lucius obediently walked over and sat down next to Tom on the sofa. Tom immediately pounced on him and assaulted him with his mouth. The kiss lasted for several minutes before the two men simultaneously remembered the need to breath. They broke apart, caught their breath then immediately resumed their kissing. Tom bit down on Lucius' lower lip signalling that he wished Lucius to allow him entrance to his mouth. Lucius complied and parted his lips slightly, Tom thrust his tongue in between them and the two men began a battle for tongue dominance. Tom let his tongue explore Lucius' mouth for a few more minutes before the need for air overcame them both once more. They each reluctantly separated their mouths from the other and they paused to look at one another. They each observed the other's beauty and Lucius gave a small contented sigh.
'Let'schh take thissch one schtep further!' exclaimed Tom, fingers travelling to the first button on Lucius' shirt and undoing it. Lucius nodded in consent and within seconds both men lay on top of each other, clad only in boxer shorts. Tom's boxers were jet black and had the name 'Lord Voldemort' embroidered in bright pink thread on them, Lucius hurried to stifle a laugh but Tom still heard it.
'Oh scho you thinksh my boxersch are funny! Look at yourschh, they're made of bright green schilk!'
'At leascht I have taschte!' Slurred Lucius, before Tom shut him up by slamming his mouth down onto his. They kissed for a few more minutes and Tom began to slide his hand down Lucius' body, his fingers toying with the waistband of the bright green silk boxers.
The noise of the door opening startled the two men into breaking the kiss.
'Father? I need help with my potions essay...I can't remember which ingredient is the most potent in the Kidney shrivilling potion...' Draco broke off, realising in horror what his father and the Dark lord were doing, 'OH MY GOSH! WHAT THE FUG?'
Draco screamed and ran out of the room, complaining loudly that his beautiful eyes were burning.
'Your son isch a wussch!' complained Tom, continuing his fiddling with Lucius' boxers.
An hour later and Tom Riddle had left. The now dressed but still completely drunk Lucius was sitting in his study reading muggle fan-fictions about himself and various other characters, which he found rather amusing. A knock sounded on the door and Draco appeared, looking around the study nervously, as if looking for more half-naked men.
'Father...I wondered if I could have a word...'
'Of coursch my scchhon!' Lucius replied, still slurring his words, four bottles of Fire-whiskey will do that to you.
'I don't know how to ask you this...' Draco said, looking extremely uncomfortable.
'Aschk me what?'
Draco took a deep breath, 'Father...are you gay?'
'WELL OF COURSCH I'M GAY!' Shouted Lucius drunkenly.
'Um...why am I alive then?'
'Becauschhe I'm a pure-blood and I needed a scchhon!'
'Oh...so you don't love mother then?'
'OF COURSCH NOT! I only married her becauschhe sschhee waschh a pure-blood girl and sschhee would look good schtanding nexcht to me in photoschh!'
Draco looked a bit depressed...well wouldn't you in his situation? 'I see...' he muttered.
'Any more schhtupid queschtionschh?'
'No father...I'll just go...' Draco left the room.
'Schhtupid boy...anyone could schhee I'm gay! Why elschhe would I have thisschhe girly hairsschhtyle?'