Disclaimer: Usual, innit...I do not own TDWP, any characters etc, don't sue just because I enjoy them as they should be, thank you!
Miranda Priestly just utterly refuses to leave me alone, seriously, she is becoming an obsession. Who am I to fight it, though! Hope you enjoy, please review x
For All The Things That Are, Have Been, And Will Be Again.
For All The Things That Are, Have Been, And Will Be Again.
I don't apologise Andrea. Don't take this at face value; it does not mean that I don't think them; that I don't try to make up for things in other ways; or that I don't have regrets. It has always been a common misconception that because I don't entertain this rule of etiquette I am cold and unfeeling. You are one of the very few people, Andrea, that has even come close to realising that what I do not say is the most important thing. However, it is not enough, is it? To think that you know, without actually ever hearing it confirmed. I try, Andrea. My girls, of course, have heard me apologise. Too many times, actually. My husbands do not really count; apologies mostly died on my lips.
When I had to, as you put it, "do Nigel out of his fucking dream job" I spent months bending over backwards to get him a better position. No one knew the work that went into it, not even you. All everyone saw was another Runway employee branching out, fulfilling the prophecy of the world being one's oyster after tenure beneath me. That was my apology, Andrea, even though it doesn't count in the eyes of the world – in your eyes – because I am the only one that knows it. I didn't actually say the words. I am 'The One' though, the Fashion Queen herself, so my thoughts are the only ones that should count, right?
I do know that for you, this will never suffice, this substitution of actions and words. However, it is who I am; it's what makes me the best at what I do. No one can do this job like me. At some point, people always let guilt override better judgement. Guilt is my constant companion, purely because I never give in to it. If I did, the magazine would suffer, and that is not acceptable.
I know that you think the magazine – my professional life – should not transfer to my personal life. You have yet to fully accept what my ex-husbands eventually realised, just before they left; that my personal and professional lives are intrinsically entwined. To give in to guilt in my personal life – perhaps to allow a whole weekend devoted to my children, my husbands...you, without any interruptions – would ultimately mean some part of my business would suffer. What is it called? Not Karma, nor The Butterfly Effect. Ying and Yang, perhaps. I realise that the balance is entirely unequal.
When my husbands divorced me, they cited 'irreconcilable differences'. The twins' father has since confessed that he thought of citing adultery, seeing as I was quite clearly married to Runway. "Miranda Priestly is suppressing an eye roll" would have been my Facebook status. Yes, I do know everything, Andrea. Obviously I wasn't married to Runway, but my husband was rarely my first priority. Nor my second once the girls came along.
I suppose some people would see it as selfish, this constant drive and ambition to stay at the top. I know some say that it is to the detriment of my family, using my divorces as testament to this. I know you think it more and more. But the fact is I have two well-rounded, if mischievous girls who know that they are loved and want for nothing. That is all I craved growing up. I cannot allow myself to entertain the thought that I am a bad mother. Of course I have doubts, as does every mother. But if I let doubts and guilt override the knowledge that I love my children above all else, then they would suffer and that would be the most unacceptable, saddening thing. That is not to say that I don't feel bad about not spending time with them sometimes. But I make it to all their school functions – except one, as you may recall, Andrea – I know all of their friends and activities and their sometimes daily changing likes and dislikes. I spend as much time with them as my job allows, like a lot of parents, but I am fortunate enough to be able to arrange my job around them on occasion. Many cannot say the same. I do sincerely apologise to them on occasions when this is not possible. They are the exception, not the rule.
I felt the loss of my first husband, but a lot of it was on behalf of our girls. I felt guilt, but not regret. Perhaps it was guilt at my lack of regret. I could not think 'what if' or 'if only' because to think that would be akin to thinking that I had done wrong by working my hardest at work, and I knew that to be untrue. Ying and Yang; completely entwined.
I put up no fight in the divorce proceedings; I kept the townhouse for the girls; he our holiday homes and art collection that we had built up together. Not much, one may think, but it was the only way of apology. I could have made the divorce quite hellish for him quite easily. Stephen, I allowed access to the girls, should they want it. I would never wish to deprive my children, but I could have shut him out of our lives completely. I am not heartless, even when I wish to hurt people who have hurt me. I suppose that is the only crucial difference between home and work, though many would doubt it.
The point is, Andrea...the point is...the point is, you would have left eventually. An older, more bitter version of the innocent little reporter that came looking for a job five years ago. You would have realised then, all at once, that you had lost your friends, family, morals and dreams. You would have wilted, Andrea; become my biggest disappointment of all.
I realise that you have walked away thinking that I no longer give you a second thought. What you do not know, will never know, is that I remember every encounter; every touch; every word. I remember the times that you have laughed, but most prominent are the times that you have cried, especially because of me. When you came to me yesterday, I knew what you were going to say. I had been expecting it for some time. I had taken steps to ensure that you would, eventually, cut your career as my assistant short. I am sure there is no need for me to list them here. Still, it came as somewhat of a surprise that I felt a sense of sadness when I realised what you were going to say. What came as more of a surprise was that, when I thought about it, I didn't actually want you to go. However it is for the best, Andrea. For you. For Runway.
You will not realise that I have lied to you, Andrea. That when you asked me if you were ever a serious part of my life; if I would miss you, even, it took all of the willpower I have ever garnered to say no. Of course I shall miss you; I have found myself daydreaming through run-throughs because of you, and actively seeking your input, something that you know I do not do with mere assistants. I would love to have you in my life forever, but for that to happen, inevitably, we would end up hating each other, which makes this whole sentence an oxymoron. An impossibility that I will add to the others.
I will endeavour to help your career be as successful as possible, in the hope that this will make you happy. Of course, I will do my best to avoid any unnecessary meetings; as I have already stated, I am not heartless. My apology, the only thing I can give you, with the sincere hope that you move on and blossom in a way that you could never around me.
This was going to be a one-shot, but now I feel greedy...I'm thinking maybe an Andy reply...what do you think? xx