Chapter 3

A/N: I would like to credit VictoriaAlise from twitter for giving me most of these ideas! Lol I hope you enjoy!

Damon - Hi, you've reached Mystic Fall's most eligible bachelor. If you look like Elena/Katherine and are either not a raging bitch or a backstabber or affiliated with my brother, leave your name/number. Otherwise, hang up.

Stefan - Hey it's Stefan. If you're Elena and are calling to see if I'm with Katherine again, we're over. If you're John, any of the leftover tomb vamps or any other guy who attempts to challenge my hair pouf *uses THAT voice* I will hunt you down and kill you. Have a great day.

Tyler - It's Tyler, bitch. Leave the message & GTFO off my phone. If you're Jeremy, let's have another bonding session soon, bro. We could go have a drink with the girls *voicemail prompts to finish up message quickly* #$%^&*(&^%$#$%^& I'M NOT DONE WITH MY MESSAGE, YOU - *voicemail message cuts off*

Jenna - Er. . *dazed voice* Er, not sure how to set the message up . . if this is Elena, please leave a message on how to set up my voicemail. Oh wait, okay. . . er. . Leave your message?

Jeremy - Hi. It's VampJer, the Vamp Turned Slaya. Wait, what? No. . Damnnit. I wasn't planning to come out so soon. *swears*

Alaric - Thank you for calling ATVS. If you need a vampire staked, plain and simple, please press one. If you prefer the badass route and want to go with me to brassknuckle one of those m#$%^&*ers, press 2. *lowered voice* If you're calling to order the purple pants, please press 3.

Katherine: *starts rapping* Hey it's this bad ass mother fucker and I'm here to say, all you other vampires better stay out of my way! I'll burn you, torture you, and beat you black and blue! Because nobody messes with this bad ass mother fucker! That's me fool! -beep-

Liz: Hi this is the chief of police who has horrible parenting skills. If you are calling about vampires, press one. If you are Damon Salvatore, press two. And if this is my gay husband, hang up and go back to screwing your boyfriend!

Elena: Hi, this is Elena. Please leave your name and number after the beep. Thank you.

Damon: What kind of voicemail is THAT?

Elena: A voicemail that is not crazy or stupid like yours are!

Damon: Haha, now gimme that! *snatches phone from her*

Elena: DAMON!

Damon: *imitates Elena's voice* hi, this is Elena. I'm not available right now because I'm screwing the more hotter, attractive, Salvatore brother aka Damon Salvatore. So if he doesn't keep me chained to the bed by handcuffs for long then I may get back to you. And if I don't, know that you just wasted 5 minutes of your life listening to this and leaving a message if you are stupid enough. Have a nice day!

Elena: Damon, you better run-

Damon: Now that we have that out of the way, let's go make that little sex story a reality.

Elena: *slaps Damon hard across the face and walks away*

Damon: Women, they are never satisfied.

Mr. Tanner: Hi, this is the badass history teacher who everybody hates because I'm such a dick in class so one day that stupid boy named Damon Salvatore ripped my throat out and now I'm dead. I am currently in heaven watching in horror as my class is being taken over by a madman who believes in vampires. What has this world come to nowadays? Oh, anyways, if you are not a dumb student from Mystic Falls High who couldn't pay attention in history class even if their life depended on it, please leave a message and I'll get back to you soon.

Isobel: Hi this is Elena's Mommy. Please leave your name and number after the beep. I might get back to you if I'm not having sex with John Gilbert or screwing Damon over with the vampire device that Katherine wants so bad. Ta ta and have a great day!

Hi, it's Bonnie. I'm a witch! I can't come to the phone right now because I'm a Witch I will try to get back to you later. Maybe. Maybe not. By the way, I'm a witch.

A/N: Hoped you guys enjoyed this chapter! More to come:) If you have any ideas on a voicemail then please leave your review after this message. Thank you :D