I do not own Doctor who
Hear is something I came up with which I thought would be quite cool. This is set at the end of the Big Bang.
The writing in italics is a memory of River's, of how she came up with each of the rules.
Thanks for reading. ...
Entering her bedroom, on the Tardis, Amy found a square parcel and a letter lying on her bed. Examining the letter closer, she saw that it was addressed to her.
Congratulations on your marriage. I didn't really know what to get you, but I thought that you might fine these useful.
River's 10 Rules of marriage
Your husband will always lie.
'Where the hell have you taken us' River asked angrily at the Doctor, as she stepped out of the Tardis door, her feet sinking into a foot of snow.
The Doctor followed River out of the Tardis, surprised at the winter weather.
'Well this isn't Hawii' the Doctor moaned, he had been looking forward to his honeymoon in the sun. River lying on the beach with her sexy bikini...
'Doctor, Doctor' River shouted at him, as he stared blankly into space.
'Huh' the Doctor grunted disappointed, at his daydream being interrupted.
'You did put the right co-ordinates in didn't you' she asked a little spectacle, for knowing him he properly hadn't.
'Of course I did. I am not that stupid. Come on.' He muttered, as he re-entered the Tardis. Hurrying to the controls before River could see that he had indeed put the wrong co-ordinates in.
Unknown to the Doctor, River stood at the door way laughing.
Never ever let your husband do the cooking
'What the hell is this' River exclaimed, as she looked in horror her plate. She glanced up at the Doctor to see that he was already tucking into the strange concoction that he had present on their plates.
'Hmmmmmm' the Doctor asked with a mouth full of food.
'I said what the hell is this' River enforced, by pointing at the food with her fork. Swallowing the food, the Doctor gave River a large grin.
'Its fish fingers and custard. Brilliant isn't it' taking another fish finger, covered in custard and placing it in his mouth.
Disgusted at the thought of such a combination, River picked up her plate, before rubbing the content in the Doctor's face. Laughing in utter disbelieve when she removed the plate from his face and found that he was smiling, his face covered in custard, with a fish finger sticking out of his mouth.
Destroy anything he owns that you don't like.
River stood next to the Doctor, her eyes glanced up at the ridiculous hat that he was wearing.
'I have questions but number one is this. What in the name of sanity have you got on your head' she asked him in a disapproving voice.
'It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fez's are cool' the Doctor chirped happily.
Both River and Amy looked at each other, conjuring up a plan just by looks. Grapping the fez from the Doctor's head, Amy launched it in to the air. Drawing out her gun, River aimed and fired, the now destroyed fez, falling in pieces.
He will always come every time you call.
'Not again.' The Doctor moaned, as he looked upon the familiar message that appeared on his psychic paper.
'Hello sweetie. 64/6789/2990A'
Sighing, the Doctor placed the co-ordinated into the Tardis, before piloting it to its destination. Opening the Tardis door, the Doctor was shocked at what he saw. River was sat in a bubbling hot tub, her curly blond hair tied up in a lose bun, wearing her red bikini and drinking a glass of champaign.
'Hello sweetie. Care to join me' she smiled at him.
Find a nickname that both irritates and fascinates him
'What are you eating' River asked him as she entered the kitchen, for the Doctor had sugar all around his lips.
'Fizzy Haribo. Do you want one' he asked her, presenting the bag to her.
'No thanks. I don't really do sweets' she smiled at him.
'Oh so you prefer savoury do you River' the Doctor asked flirtatiously .
'Yes, but there is one sweetie, that I do like' she grin at him, flirting back
'Oh which ones that then' he asked curiously.
'Spoilers' River winked at him, before leaving the room, a grin plastered on her face.
Never take no for an answer.
'Please Doctor' River pleaded with him. She wanted to go the double date with Amy and Rory, but as always the Doctor was not budging. Even thought she had already piloted the Tardis to the destination.
'No' he told her straight, as he paced around the controls.
'And why not' She asked grumpy
'Because...' the Doctor shrugged his shoulders.
'It's too normal' the Doctor murmured.
'Is that all' River laughed.
'It's not funny' the Doctor told her beginning to get upset.
'Oh sweetie. How about I make it up to you' she winked.
'How' the Doctor asked slightly happier
'How about I buy you a fez' River suggested, which produced a huge grin on the Doctor's face. Grabbing his jacket, he ran out of the Tardis door. River followed and found him waiting outside for her. Shutting the door, she locked the Tardis before the Doctor took her hand in his.
'You're really going to get me a fez' the Doctor asked happily, as they walked towards the restaurant.
'NO' River shouted at him cheekily.
Be prepared to be patient
'Um Doctor not to rush you or anything, but could you please hurry up' River shouted at him. The Doctor was pacing around the room.
'I am thinking'
'Well can you think a bit quicker please' River barked at him, as she lent against the metal door, trying to hear if anything was coming. They had been running away from a two headed dog, and had darted into the room, not realising that it only had one entrance. She could hear the dog like creature nearing the door.
'Doctor' she asked hurriedly.
'Ha. It's simple. Why didn't I think of it before?' Reaching into one of his tweed jackets and pulled out a squeaky ball.
'Oh you have got to be joking' River laughed.
'Oh no. I forgot I had this actually. Brought it for K9 long ago, although I should have known that ...'
'Doctor' River interrupted him.
'Oh yeah. Open the door.' He told her with a grin on his face. River looked doubtful at the ball, before shrugging her shoulders and opened the door. Seeing the door open, the two headed dog bounded through.
'Fetch doggy' the Doctor shouted, as he launched the ball above the dogs head and through the door. The two headed dog looked at the Doctor before, running after the ball, his tail wagging from side to side.
'Did I ever tell you, I hate dogs' River breathed a sigh of relief, as the Doctor pulled her back through the corridor they had run down. The two head dog, happily playing with the ball behind them.
Tell him off when he does something wrong.
Picking herself off the floor, River glared at the Doctor, as he smiled down at her.
'How many times do I have to tell you, use the blue stabilizers' River shouted at him, as she finally found her feet, before walking over to the Doctor and hitting him in the arm.
'Ouch, what was that for' the Doctor moan, rubbing his arm with his other hand.
'That was for not listening to me. Your get something much worse if you do it again' River told him angrily, as she flattened her clothes down.
If he gets on your nerves, hide his favourite toy.
'River have you seen my screwdriver' the Doctor asked, as he entered her room on the Tardis. River was lead on her bed, writing in her diary.
'Sorry sweetie, I haven't. Are you sure you've looked everywhere' she asked him, as she continued to write in her diary.
'Yeah I am sure. I put it down in the control room, but its not were I left it' the Doctor asked, looking through his pockets again.
'Did you check underneath the controls, it might have rolled through' River suggested.
'Good idea, River. I'll go look' with that the Doctor run off. Waiting a few minutes to make sure that he had gone, River removed an object from underneath her top.
'He hasn't looked everywhere has he' she laughed, as she continued writing in her diary.
Always have a pair of handcuffs at hand – I have always found this the most effective.
Waking up, the Doctor found himself handcuffed to the headboard. Looking next to him, he found that River was no longer lead next to him. Extending his vision to look around the room, he saw that she had indeed gone.
'River' he shouted, however he did not get a response.
'River. Come here and uncuff me' the Doctor, however had a different response then he had wanted. As the Tardis lurched forward, he knew exactly what River was doing, piloting the Tardis.
'River you are driving her wrong' he shouted angrily knowing that the question should gain a response.
'I am not driving her wrong.' she shouted from the control room.
'If you are not coming to uncuff me then can you at least tell me where you are going' the Doctor asked.
A few seconds later River appeared in the door way, her handbag in hand.
'I am going shopping and you are staying here' she told him strictly.
'Why can't I come' the Doctor pleaded
'Because the last shopping trip we went on, we ended up in jail and doing a lot of running. I want to have a nice peaceful shopping spree without having to run for my life, which means that you have to stay here because you attract trouble.' She pointed her finger at him.
'You could have just asked. Why did you have to handcuff me' shaking the handcuff to emphasise his point.
'Spoilers' River laughed, as she left.
I hope these help.
Ps. I didn't know if you had a pair, oh and don't let the Doctor see them 'Spoilers'
Picking up the parcel, Amy unwrapped it to fine a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs.