Selena Damascus sighed as she flipped through the bridal magazines that dominated the tables in front of her. This just so wasn't her. The long white dresses, the floral bouquets, none of it interested her in the slightest. She startled at a slight shuffling behind her, closely followed by a bang as Thomas ricocheted off the doorframe into a bookshelf, sending books cascading onto the floor.
"Oh," said Thomas, peering at the bridal magazines over Selena's shoulder. "I was just going to ask you about that actually, are you and
Jordan having stag and hen dos?"
"To be honest, Thomas I have no idea. Jordan's idea of fun is a cup of tea and a murder case, and quite honestly, I could arrange that at the moment. Just yesterday he told me that he was leaving our wedding reception early to go and speak about a DNA analysis in the forensic Criminology lab. I could have strangled him."
"I would have born witness that it was most definitely 'not guilty by reason of extreme anger' though if you murder him after the wedding your reasoning will have to be 'by reason of insanity'," offered Thomas.
"That's the good thing about marrying a defense attorney. You have about a hundred different witnesses to say what evil little cretins they are." She sighed. "Oh the joys."
Thomas believed it his cue to leave before any of the negativity honed in on him. Before he was out of earshot, he heard Selena chant the traditional "eeny meeny miny mo." After all, that really was the best way to pick out your wedding dress.
Jordan McAffee gritted his teeth for the fifteenth time during the ceremony, as the vicar coughed gruffly into his handkerchief like a walrus choking on a clam. He was not exactly renowned for his patience on a good day, but as he sweltered in his tuxedo, he really could have done with a cup of tea. Jordan was boiling, irritated and his neck was seriously aching from gazing up at his insanely tall bride to-be and if he didn't look down pretty soon, his neck was definitely going to fuse in that position.
"Are there any objections?" The vicar surveyed the room.
Beside him, Selena stiffened slightly, and hissed in a low voice to
Thomas who was sitting in the front row, "This is of course Jordan's favourite part of the service." A smile slipped across her face but she quickly composed herself as Jordan shot her a dirty look.
The vicar opened his mouth to move on when there was a ripple of surprise spreading across the room. Matt Hoolihan stood up, looking every bit the prosecutor as he looked Jordan right in the eye and said
"Objection." His voice echoed across the decaying church.
Without giving the vicar time to answer, Jordan asked sharply "On what grounds?"
"Incompetence." answered Matt, having only been invited because of the length of time they had known each other, and not the fact that they were friends even in the broadest of senses, it was clear he was enjoying this.
"WHAT!" roared Jordan, his face going as red as a chili pepper.
"I mean, you are not competent to be the husband of Selena Damascus.
There is no way someone so arrogant, ill-tempered and dramatic could possibly deserve a wife such as her." A broad grin spread across his face.
"There is nothing that could compare to the love of these two people..." began the vicar.
"SPECULATION!" Thomas's gangly figure leapt to the air, biting back a laugh, as Selena also stifled a giggle.
"I beg your pardon?" said the vicar in affronted tones as chaos descended in the church.
"THE VICAR IS MISLEADING THE JURY!" roared Chris Harte never one to stay out of trouble.
"After everything I did for you..." Jordan eyed him in disbelief,
Selena had doubled over in mirth and was holding herself up on a nearby statue.
"IRRELEVANT!" Jack st Bride grinned as Jordan sighed and rubbed his head, looking as though he wanted the ground to swallow him up.
"HE'S BADGERING THE WITNESS!"
"THAT'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION!"
"ASKED AND ANSWERED!"
Jordan went very purple as he turned on his heel and stormed out of the church, while Thomas threw confetti at his hunched back.