This takes place during the episode Big Time Blogger. So if you haven't seen that episode, the beginning might be a little unclear as it takes place while the marketing team is interviewing the boys and getting them ready for their 'Day with Deke. ' This is my version of the story behind the "I was seven, I didn't know what I was doing," comment made by Logan.
The title is from the song Wake Up by The Arcade Fire
Rated T for brief mentions of serious injury.
Disclaimer: I do not know or own Big Time Rush or any other affiliated character, nor is any money being made. The show belongs to Nickelodeon and the boys belong to themselves.
Logan thinks this whole thing is stupid. Lying to impress someone? Since when was that on the agenda for Big Time Rush? Were they not all about staying true to themselves?
He doesn't want to go snowboarding, doesn't even know how to. And wanting to be a Doctor does not make him geeky!
But he holds his tongue. This band is important to more than just him. And he owes Kendall and James.
He passes the interview with a blasé attitude, trying and failing miserably at paying rapt attention and not scoffing in their questioners' faces.
Until one question hits a little too deep.
"What is the worst thing you've ever done to your friends?" the male prompter asked Logan, and only him.
He opened his mouth in shock, before it slowly closed, a soft hiss of breath escaping past his lips. Logan stared at Kendall and James nervously. They didn't blame him. It had been their own stupidity that had nearly gotten the three of them killed, not Logan, or so they repeatedly told him. But Logan still remembers the harsh words his seven year old self screamed at them. He remembers catching James' mother crying softly in the ER, Mr. Diamond's arms wrapped tightly around his wife. He remembers Mama Knight's pale drawn face as she held Katie, who was just a baby, in her arms, trying to hold it together for everyone.
There were few memories in Logan's short existence that rivaled that day as the worst moments of his entire life.
"I, I…umm…" he stutters, his mouth opening and closing again, as an unfamiliar pair of eyes glare at him.
"You are not a fish," was the female prompter's snarky reply, "and stuttering is unflattering. Answer the question."
He quickly glances to his left, briefly meeting Kendall's eyes. There is only concern in the blonde's face, it's not your fault, his green eyes convey.
"You don't have to tell them," the younger boy whispers because he knows what Logan's thinking, they've had this conversation a million times already. Kendall shared a brief, worried glance with James, before his calm, comforting gaze returns to Logan.
Logan shook his head. The events happened nine years ago, it shouldn't still affect him. They were still dealing with the consequences of his foolishness, though, and he couldn't shake the panic he felt every time he thought about that night.
"I…I almost killed Kendall and James," Logan blurts out pathetically. His three friends immediately open their mouths to protest, but the two members of the marketing team in their neatly pressed suits glare at the boys.
"Don't interrupt, it's rude," they both say at the same time. "Let Logan finish," the tall black man continues.
"But," James bravely butts in and the blare of the red buzzer immediately assaults their ears. The hard stares of the two adults bully James into silent submission.
Logan takes a deep shuddering breath. "We were playing hockey," he quietly begins…
Logan was not fond of his new home. He moved straight from the warm deserts of Arizona, right into the middle of a Minnesota winter.
It's his first time seeing snow, was his mother's half hearted attempt to cheer him up as she bundled him up and sent Logan outside to play. It took five seconds to realize he hated snow. It was cold. It was wet. It was slimy and it was running down his face after an energetic little boy threw a snowball right between his eyes.
The tan child, Carlos Ivan Garcia the third as he so proudly introduced himself, apologized profusely. He hadn't meant to hit Logan in the face, he was just trying to get the 'new kid's' attention.
It worked. Logan shoved a snowball into Carlos' face in retaliation. After an epic snowball fight, which ended in a tie, the two became new friends over a steaming cup of hot chocolate in front of the old space heater in Carlos' front hallway.
Carlos introduced him to Kendall and James at school the next day.
They were friends for barely three months when an accident almost caused all of them their lives.
There was a pond nestled in the woods that bordered their town. It was only a five minute walk from Kendall's house. The boys spent a lot of time skating and playing hockey on that pond during the cold winter months under Mama Knight's watchful eye.
Winter was coming to a close, though. Ice and snow were melting rapidly with rising temperatures as February came to an end. Kendall's birthday had just passed, and with it came a shiny new pair of skates. He begged his mother to let them go play hockey so he could test his new gift.
The pond was still frozen, but Mrs. Knight did not trust the ice to hold their weight, not with the rising sun melting away the harsh Minnesota winter.
But Kendall was a stubborn child. With Carlos home with the flu, the three of them snuck out of the house, despite Mrs. Knight's warning, and stole away to what used to be their favorite spot to hang out.
"I don't think this is such a good idea," Logan yelled as he tentatively stood at the edge of the pond. He hadn't known the other boys very long, but he'd known them long enough to learn they were all crazy and often did stupid stunts like this.
Somehow they always managed to never get hurt.
"Don't be such a baby," James nonchalantly said as he threw a look at Logan over his shoulder. James was already skating flawlessly on the ice.
"Yeah, live a little," Kendall suddenly speaks up behind him and pushes Logan out onto the ice. "Just stay near the edge of the pond," he warns before skating over to James.
He wobbles unsteadily, skating is still kind of new to him and he hasn't quite gotten the hang of it yet. A tiny twinge of jealously sparks in him as he watches the other two skate laps around him.
Logan takes two tentative steps forward before he falls flat on his ass. Kendall helps him up, but it's not long before he falls over again, and after the third time Kendall and James stop helping him up and Logan can't really blame them. The two boys have already started an intense one-on-one hockey battle as Logan fails miserably at just trying to stay upright. He skates close to the edge for a while, trying to teach himself how to skate, until he just can't take it anymore.
"This isn't fun anymore," he whines and unsteadily skates over to Kendall. He's cold, miserable, and his pants are soaked from his incessant falling and he doesn't even have Carlos there to cheer him up.
Logan just wants to go back to Kendall's place and curl up under some nice warm blankets with a cup of Mama Knight's sinfully good hot cocoa and pretend he still lives in a desert. The cold bitter wind has seeped through his clothing and his fingers and toes are so numb they hurt. Logan's almost positive he has frostbite. The freezing temperatures were one thing Logan never could get used to. But James and Kendall are unfazed by the chilly winter air.
"Wanna play hockey with us?" Kendall asks, but he has that look on his face that says please say no. He knows it's not because Kendall doesn't like him, he just knows Logan would get in the way and seven year olds are not known for their patience. Logan can't help, but feel a little hurt. They've been ignoring him the entire time they've been out here, and he's knows they've been friends for years before Logan came along, he knows it's going to take time before he fits in, before he's really part of the group, but he can't help, but feel left out. Carlos always tells him that's just how Kendall and James are, but it still makes him sad, just a little lonely and a lot of homesick.
Kendall suddenly falls harshly to the ice as James comes out of nowhere and decks him, stealing the puck from under him. James just looks annoyed as he skates in circles around them. The strain of trying to keep his frustration towards the new kid in check is written all over his face.
"And have that happen?" he says and points to James. "No thank you."
Kendall just shrugs before he tackles James to the ice. The two taller boys start wrestling, completely ignoring Logan again.
"Can we just go, please!" he yells, his irritation rising steadily.
Kendall and James stop struggling before giving him a strange look. Before he knows it, he's being tackled by two energetic boys. His face is being pressed uncomfortably into the ice as Kendall sits victoriously on top of him.
"Get some snow!" Kendall auspiciously commands James who happily agrees. Before he knows it, the two of them are shoving snow down his shirt, giggling manically. Bitterly he thinks, at least they're not ignoring me.
His ire gets the better of him. "Let me go!" he demands, and something in his voice must have finally broken through to Kendall for the other boy slides off his back.
James reaches down to help him up, but he smacks the proffered hand away. He shakily stands to his feet, shivering in discomfort as the snow melts into ice cold water and runs down his chilled skin.
The task of standing becomes too hard as his feet slip out beneath him and he crashes hard to the ground. James desperately, but unsuccessfully, tries to hide a snicker. Kendall elbows the brunette in the stomach, but Logan can see the mirth in his eyes too. He hates them both for it.
"It's not funny!" he shouts in irritation as he staggers unsteadily to his feet. "I don't want to be friends with you anymore. I hate both of you!" He doesn't mean it, knows by tomorrow this will all blow over. But he's miserable, he hates them right now and Logan knows he's overreacting, but he doesn't care. He just wants to get away from the two buffoons and go home.
"Logan," Kendall begins, trying to calm him down, but Logan shuts him down.
"I don't care what you have to say. I'm going home and I don't want to see either of you ever again." He starts skating away, unsuccessfully storming off because he can barely stay on his feet.
"Logan! Home's not that way," James tries to tell him, but he doesn't listen.
"I don't care," he yells at the other boy.
"We're sorry, okay?" James tries again. "Just please, come back this way, it's too dangerous to skate out that far."
"No!" Logan stubbornly refuses. But he didn't know. He wasn't from Minnesota; he was from a tiny town in Arizona where it was hot everyday of the year. The dangers of frozen ponds were a foreign concept to him. He didn't know the ice was thinner in the middle, didn't know that if you fell in you could get hypothermia and easily die. He didn't know that if you fell through the ice you could get trapped, couldn't find the whole you fell through or break through the ice to free yourself from the cold grip of the icy waters.
He can see Kendall skating out to fetch him, and for a moment he has a sick sense of satisfaction at that.
"Kendall, don't," James warns, but it's too late.
He can hear the ice cracking beneath his feet, before suddenly he's falling and Kendall's slipping through the cracking ice with him. The plunge into the frigid water steals his breath away and he gasps for air, but only ends up chocking on a mouth full of water. His arms refuse to cooperate and his legs refuse to move as he starts slowly sinking to the bottom of the pond.
He's drowning, he realizes, and if Logan could have thought anything past the numbness starting to creep into his brain, he would have panicked. Water rushes over him and he can see the surface falling farther away as the light filtering through the cracked ice diminishes. A hand suddenly plunges into the water. He's supposed to grab that hand, he thinks, but the task proves to be difficult.
He cannot die here. He's going to be a Doctor. So he kicks as hard as he can with his feet and forces his arms to move until he grasps the hand. Suddenly, quicker than he can comprehend, a strong force is pulling him out of the water.
He gasps for air as soon as his head breaches the icy surface and tries to help pull himself out of the water. James quickly drags him away from the gaping hole in the ice.
The ice cold water stole the energy from his limbs and Logan can't do much more than lie on the ice in a numb agony as he coughs up water. From the corner of his eye he can see James quickly prying off his skates, and then it hits him.
There's just him and James on the ice.
"Where's Kendall?" he somehow manages to rasp out past the wheezing breaths impaling his chest.
"Get off the ice," is James' only reply as the last skate slips from his foot. "Now!" the brunette demands when Logan does not immediately respond.
He doesn't have much strength left, but something in James' urgent voice has him crawling away from the hole and off the pond as fast as he can.
He hears a loud splash and turns in time to see a pair of feet disappear below the surface of the water.
James does not immediately surface. The seconds tick by in his head as he obsessively counts them one Mississippi, two Mississippi, until he's counted well over a minute and the two boys haven't surfaced yet. Logan starts to panic then, because he doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to help. So he just sits on the edge of the pond, hoping he isn't watching his friends die.
Finally, finally, after tears of frustration and fear start leaking from Logan's eyes, a blonde head of hair appears above the surface of the water followed by James' messy brown do.
Somehow, James manages to get Kendall out of the water and onto the ice before pushing himself out of the water with strength he shouldn't have. Immediately, he turns the blonde on his side and pats him on the back until his friend is spitting up water and spluttering on the pond, gasping weakly for air.
Kendall takes a deep shuddering breath, and the two exchange words Logan cannot hear past the blood rushing past his ears and his own heartbeat echoing harshly against his head and chest.
Kendall faintly nods, before he lets James help him to the edge of the pond. As James lays his still gasping friend next to him, Logan can see a small, sluggishly bleeding cut on Kendall's forehead and he worries the other boy may have been seriously injured.
"Don't fall asleep, and don't pass out," James commands both of them. "Try to keep moving. I'm going to get help." James hesitates for a moment, "please, watch Kendall for me," his brown eyes beg. The frightened child doesn't wait for a response; instead he takes off running as fast as he can in nothing but his wet socks still.
From the corner of his eye, Kendall's eyes slip shut and his own vision is blurry and unfocused. Vigorously, he shakes his head, trying to dispel the fog commandeering his brain. His hand lashes out and he lightly punches Kendall. "Please, stay awake," he begs as the younger boy's eyes snap open. "If not for me, then for James," he adds. Kendall weakly nods his consent, struggling to keep his eyes open.
With a last burst of fading adrenaline, Logan pushes himself up until he is sitting. He doesn't know why it is so important to stay awake, but the urgency and fear in James' voice was enough to make him follow directions without questioning. He stares down at his shivering friend uselessly, unsure of what to do or how to help, but determined to keep Kendall awake.
Because he knows, he knows James just saved his life. And James saved…Logan…first. Kendall was his best friend, and the two have been as close as brothers since the day they met, according to Carlos. Logan has barely known James for three months. And yet James saved him first.
He doesn't know why, but he knows he owes it to James to watch over Kendall. He's not going to let Kendall pass out, not on his watch.
So he keeps a sharp eye on the pale boy, nudging him awake every time his eyelashes slipped shut for too long, until James came crashing through the forest, with Kendall's mother and several police officers in tow. Faint sirens could be heard in the distance, steadily growing louder as they approached the Knight residence.
The faint hum of relief made him dizzy and disorientated. A police officer was insistently tugging off his wet jacket and throwing a blanket over his shoulder, enveloping him in warmth as he shivered uncontrollably.
Somehow over the ringing in his ears, he hears a harsh gasp and startled voices. He turns his head quickly enough to see James swaying slightly before his eyes rolled back and he crashed to his knees before a police officer could catch him.
The quick movement of Logan's head and the sudden surge of fear for James, forced his vision to sway dangerously and before he knew it, everything turned black.
Logan was the first one to be released after that incident. A mild case of hypothermia kept him in the clutches of the hospital for the night, but by morning the Doctors said he was good to go.
The same could not be said for Kendall and James. Kendall had a pretty serious concussion and because he'd been in the water longer than Logan, he'd been more exposed to icy temperatures. The doctors were fairly certain he was going to be fine.
They said the same thing about James, though, and it turned out not to be true. After his dive into the pond and his mad dash through the forest, the young boy passed out. At first the Doctors weren't worried. They thought it could be avoided. But the hollow hand of sickness slowly crept up on him and squeezed his lungs like a wad of paper beneath its hands.
Pneumonia, James got pneumonia because all he did was save Logan and Kendall's life. They didn't tell Logan at first, but after a while he began to question why James wasn't around anymore. No one would give him answers.
Logan remembers the morning he left the hospital, as his mother quietly said goodbye to James' and Kendall's parents, he remembers how pained they looked. He remembers the fear in their eyes.
James spent two months in the hospital because of it. For four long weeks, not even the Doctors knew if he was going to pull through or not.
The brunette was stubborn, though, and thankfully fought for his life. After two long suffering months he was finally released from the hospital.
He'd lost more weight than he could afford to lose, though, and so for the first four months away from the hospital, James was a weak, shivering mess that Kendall refused to let leave his sight.
Kendall was always protective of all of them, but during that year following the pond incident, no one could even look at James the wrong way without nearly getting their head punched in by the fierce blonde.
Logan didn't know why at first, but during the tough months to come, James abandoned his dream of becoming a hockey star like Kendall. He became obsessed with his looks and being a star. They were twelve years old when Logan found out why.
James had asthma.
It was a side effect of the pneumonia. It wasn't something he was likely to grow out of and while the younger boy dealt with it, did his best to still compete at hockey, James knew he could never be a professional athlete because of his asthma.
He'd taken up singing to help control it. One of the nurses said it helped her daughter gain strength in her lungs. James loved it so much that it suddenly became his new dream and he was good at it.
One of the scariest moments of Logan's life was watching James struggle to breathe, his eyes terrified and panicked as Carlos ran as fast as his twelve year old legs could carry him to find help. Carlos returned almost fifteen minutes later with James' mother in tow, but it was too late for his inhaler to effective. He was rushed to the hospital, just barely clinging to consciousness, as Logan was left standing in the street, limbs shaking uncontrollably as the ambulance sped away.
Kendall refused to let James out of his sight again after that, as if being there would have somehow stopped James from having an attack.
And it was all Logan's fault. He crushed James' dreams of being a hockey star, gave him a seriously debilitating disease for life because he didn't listen to his friends. He stormed off angrily and childishly and just because he was a child doesn't mean anything. Logan should have known, shouldn't have skated out to the middle of the pond, shouldn't have overreacted.
If he hadn't skated to the middle of the pond, if Kendall hadn't chosen to go after him, James wouldn't have had to jump into the water to save him, James wouldn't have gotten hypothermia, wouldn't have had to run through the woods to find help, he wouldn't have asthma.
James would be a different person.
Ever since that day, Logan has carried his guilt close to his heart. Every time James has an asthma attack, he can see the blame in the others' eyes.
This is your fault.
They've tried to tell him otherwise, multiple times they've told him it wasn't Logan's fault, but he just doesn't believe them.
James and Kendall became even closer after that day. But Logan could never get too close. He couldn't let go of his guilt.
He tells the marketing team, staring him down with unsympathetic eyes, all this. Once the words start he can't seem to stop them and soon he's telling them everything that happened and the guilt and fears that he still carries around with him.
Logan starts crying and Carlos pulls him into a bear hug. "I was seven," he sobs into the Latino's shoulder, "I didn't know what I was doing."
"It's okay," Carlos whispers to him. The shorter boy never says anything about it, but once, when just the two of them were alone, Carlos admitted that he felt bad that he wasn't there that day. That he wasn't there for any of them.
The red buzzer blares annoyingly loud. "Wrong," the two adults yell at him which only serves to make Logan feel worse.
"The correct answer is, you stole a cookie from them when you were five, but you felt bad so you shared it with them," the female marketer corrected.
"That doesn't even make sense," Kendall scrunches up his face in confusion, giving their questioners his best wtf face.
"Whose 'them?'" James' asks and it's actually a good question, because they didn't specify who exactly Logan was stealing this cookie from.
"I didn't even know them when I was five," Logan wants to scream in frustration, but it just comes out snottily instead, his previous tears forgotten. "This is stupid."
"And Deke thinks you're a horrible friend."
"That's not true –'
"No interrupting!" the two marketers scold James at the exact same time. "If you don't want Deke thinking that, then don't tell that story."
"Fine," Logan mumbles and settles into the couch, trying to sink into the cushions and disappear.
"But," Carlos interrupts again, but this time their torturers ignore him.
"Let's just continue," they chant and throw a pointless, random question at James who flounders in surprise for a few moments, unsure if he really wants to continue this before stuttering out a reply.
"Lame!" the male prompter yells at his tall friend, but after that Logan just stops paying attention all together.
And Deke thinks you're a horrible friend, they had said, but you're a horrible friend keeps repeating over and over again in his mind.
And he couldn't deny how true that was.
"We feel really bad about yesterday." Kendall and James say in perfect unison bright and early the morning after the interview. They'd somehow cornered him alone in his room just before breakfast. "We're sorry."
"It's okay," Logan sighs, and sits down on Kendall's bed dejectedly. "It's not like you knew what questions they were going to ask or anything."
James and Kendall share a look, James biting his lip anxiously.
"That's not why we're sorry," Kendall blurts out.
"We didn't know…" James tries to elaborate, but ends up trailing off.
"Didn't know what?" Logan prods.
"James and I didn't know you still felt so guilty about the pond thing."
"It was nine years ago, and we've talked about it with you, so we just assumed, we just thought…" James trails off again and Logan is almost frustrated with his inarticulateness.
"It was our fault," Kendall finishes and shares a guilty look with James. "You have no reason to feel remorse."
Logan shakes his head in disbelief. "I gave James asthma, how can I not feel remorse!"
"You didn't give me asthma, Logan," James says and has to force himself not to roll his eyes, "pneumonia did!" he ends on a sarcastically cheerful note.
"Yeah, the pneumonia you got from diving into the pond to save Kendall and me. The pond you wouldn't of had to jump into if I hadn't of childishly stormed off," Logan argued.
"And we wouldn't have even been at the pond if it hadn't of been my idea to go in the first place!" Kendall throws right back at him. "We're just going around in circles around the same point." The blonde throws his hands up in the air in frustration and turns around so his back is facing Logan. Tension is streaming through the air like an avalanche, burying both Logan and Kendall underneath the heavy weight of its debris. Neither are about to back down from this pointless argument and they've had it way too many times to give up on their opinions. Being stubborn isn't always a good quality to have.
James bites his lips nervously again. "I think we're missing a very important point here, though," he tentatively begins.
"Yeah, and what's that," his reply is a bit more harsh than he intended. The beauty king flinches slightly at his bitter words.
"We were seven, Logan. We were just children. How many kids do you know that don't do stupid things? Remember the time I convinced everyone it would be a good idea to 'camp out' when we were eight?"
"You mean the time Kendall got raped by that buck, and we almost got attacked by a pack of wolves," Logan responds in honest mirth. Despite their previous argument, he let out a huff of laughter at that memory.
"They were coyotes," James replies in his 'you don't know everything!' voice, "and that buck did not rape Kendall. It just really wanted to." James cocked his head slightly and stuck his tongue out to Logan. "Don't you think I felt guilty about that afterward?"
"Yeah, but no one got seriously injured," Logan argues.
"Kendall's pride did," James interrupts with a smirk as the boy in question glares at him.
Logan ignored him. "And no one almost died in the hospital, and no one has a serious health issue for the rest of their life because of it!"
"What about the time I decided to ride my skates while holding onto the back of Carlos' bike? I almost died cuz I almost got hit by a car."
Logan shuddered at the memory. The SUV couldn't have missed Kendall by more than an inch and the only reason he wasn't hit was because of Officer Garcia's quick reflexes as he dragged a young Kendall out of the street.
"Or the time Carlos played that prank on the soccer team and you, me and Carlos had to run for our lives…" James continued.
"Okay, okay! I see your point," Logan conceded. He nervously rubbed his palms on his jeans. "I just...I just feel like I crushed your dreams," he softly stutters. "You wanted to be a hockey player until you got asthma and then suddenly you were a drama king."
Kendall and James turned to look at each other in incredulity before bursting into laughter.
"Is this really what this is all about?" Kendall asked. Logan shyly nodded.
James crossed the room in two steps and sat next to Logan.
"I was always going to turn out this way," James chuckles, "and at some point or other I was always going to realize hockey wasn't what I wanted to do with my life and that I was too beautiful not to share with the rest of the world."
Kendall rolls his eyes at James, and a small smile graces Logan's face.
"Yeah," Kendall adds and sits on the other side of Logan, "trust me when I say you had nothing to do with that."
"Besides, I only wanted to play hockey because Kendall did. I was never really that into it. It could have damaged the money maker!" James said and drew a big circle in the air around his face.
Logan laughs heartily. The guilt is not gone, it is still pressing slightly on his heart, but the pressure has eased. And he has to admit, their argument was solid.
"Yeah, I guess you guys are right," he finally concedes after years of pointless arguing.
"Of course we are!" James cheerfully agrees.
"Are we good?" Kendall hesitantly asks.
"Yeah, we're good."
"No more guilty feelings?" James clarifies.
"No more guilty feelings," Logan acquiesces.
"Good. Now let's go eat breakfast!" the tall brunette energetically orders. Logan can only shake his head at the teen who could so quickly transform from a serious, young adult, to a child in seconds.
He can't help the small smile that graces his lips as he sits down next to Kendall as Carlos stumbles out of his bedroom, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Katie slips into her seat, groaning about how tired she is and Momma Knight cheerfully announces that breakfast is ready.
Mrs. Knight sets a heaping bowl of biscuits on the table and Logan can only stare at it in shock. He shares a terrified look with Kendall before he jumps to his feet at the same time as Kendall, Carlos and James.
Momma Knight gives them all a strange look, but Katie seems to realize the reason behind their actions. She grabs a biscuit off the table and looks at her brother.
Logan jumps into Kendall's arms, hoping the other boy will protect him and Kendall easily accepts the other's weight.
Biscuit poised in the air, the youngest Knight turns to look at Carlos, who promptly hides behind James.
Mrs. Knight reaches for a biscuit, still confused, and the four boys can't help it, they cringe at the sudden movement. Logan doesn't quite understand it, but he still remembers how much it hurt getting hit by a biscuit. It's an irrational fear, doesn't make sense at all, but Kendall's thinking the same thing as he backs up slowly as do James and Carlos.
They are never going to eat biscuits ever again.
Kendall lowers him to his feet and then they start running out the door.
"I think we're running late!" Kendall cheerfully announces as he quickly walks towards the door.
"Don't want to make Gustavo mad!" James adds as he falls in step behind Kendall.
Carlos just rushes out the door with them.
"Bye!" Logan waves and slams the door behind him as he flees the apartment with his friends.
As soon as they're in the lobby, they start laughing at their pathetic display. Kendall claps him on the shoulder and smiles at him as James throws an arm around Carlos' shoulders.
He smiles back at Kendall as they walk towards the car that just pulled up for them.
The guilt is finally gone, he notices, as he slides into the car. He is free from the memories, free from always wondering 'what if?'
That moment of their life did change them, but Logan's starting to think that maybe that isn't such a bad thing after all.
I originally wrote this piece for this prompt at the BTR kink meme: just got done watching Big Time Blogger and during the boys training I realized that Logan says "I was seven I didn't know what I was doing!" I really want someone to elaborate on this cause seriously you know it would totally be all the others fault lol and it was totally a bad memory so some comfort sex is in order I believe! also if you can work in a phobia of biscuits for all the boys I would love you forever!
However, I altered the original piece to make this edited version which does not contain slash. If anyone would like to read the original, slashy, unedited version of this piece, they can do so at my live journal: http:/ quoteintangible. livejournal. com/ 11434. html #cutid1 (as always remove the spaces in the link).