Warning: Contains swear words (one bad one) and scenes of a honeymoon nature. And there is a reference to my webcam fic, Chapter 3.
Summary: The Doctor and Donna accidentally get married and try to start their honeymoon, but it goes a bit wrong.
Disclaimer: The BBC owns Doctor Who; always have, and probably always will.
Donna opened one eye to see the Doctor standing next to her. "Morning!" he breezily greeted her.
"Morning. I wonder if I'll ever get used to it?" she mumbled from her pillow.
"Used to what?" he scrunched his face up in thought.
He really was so bright in the morning he needed a dimmer switch, Donna thought. "You standing over me like that when I wake up. It's still a bit creepy."
"How about this then?" and he bounced onto the bed next to her and laid down.
She laughed, "Well, at least that's different! Been waking up larks while you're about it, have you?"
"No. Should I seek one out then?" the grin he flashed at her told her he knew exactly what she had meant. "So, do I get my good morning kiss yet?" He hovered over her mouth.
"Oh… erm… can we do that somewhere other than on the bed?" she eyed him suspiciously.
"Why? I'm keeping my hands away from dangerous territories, as you call them, though I'm inclined to describe them as endangered species at this rate." He showed her his hands to prove his point.
"You just continue keeping yourself to yourself and you won't be endangered," she warned from underneath the covers.
"But Donna! It's starting to hurt!" he whined.
"Never mind, Spaceman, eh?" she patted him on the trousers.
"Aargh! You minx!" he bit out. "You wouldn't like it if I did the same to you!"
"Certainly wouldn't! For a start, it wouldn't do anything for me!" she giggled.
"Ha ha ha. You are just being cruel, and taking advantage of me," he gave her a daggered look.
"Oh, but I'm not; that's your problem from what I can see," she swept her gaze up him.
"That's it!" he leaned his weight on top of her, pinning her under the covers. "I will have that kiss and you will like it!"
"Is this you being all strong and dominant, oh husband of mine?" she stroked his sideburns and allowed him a small sensual kiss.
"What?" he asked distractedly. "Yeah, all of the above," he added, as he enticed her with another kiss. "Excellent husband material, naturally."
"In that case, have you sorted out where we're going on honeymoon?" Donna breathed against his mouth.
"Oh yeah, almost forgot, what with all the…," he tore himself away from her. "I have an idea for somewhere. Do you want it to be a surprise?"
"Of course I do! You do know me, right?" she laughed.
"I'd like to get to know you a little bit better," he waggled his eyebrows suggestively at her, causing her to swot his arm playfully.
"All good things come to those who wait," she giggled when she saw his answering pout. "Go on, go set the coordinates. I know you're dying to. And I'll love anywhere you choose, as long as there are no gunky monsters to try and eat me."
"No gunky monsters coming right up!" he announced as he pulled himself gracefully off the bed.
"Whilst you're doing that I'd better record a message for Gramps. He'll think we've disappeared down a hole if I don't update him regularly." She considered him still standing by her bed, "Well, go on then! I'm not putting on a show for you while I get dressed."
"Are you sure? 'Cos I'm prepared to wait a bit longer," he tried, but her glare made him rethink it. "Okay, I'm going now. Don't be too long though."
"Aw! How sweet! Anyone would think you love me," Donna beamed widely at him. "Now bugger off! There's a good boy!"
"Yes dear!" mockingly echoed back at her from the corridor as he headed for the console room.
Having dressed, recorded her camcorder message, and made sandwiches for their jaunt, Donna joined the Doctor in the console room to find out what destination he had picked.
"How does the planet Drulise sound? It has beautiful beaches, fabulous mountains, and wonderful food," he offered her as he wrapped an arm around her waist.
"What's wrong with it?" she pulled a cynical face at him, "Come on, there's always a down side."
"Since you ask, there is a teeny problem with it you might not like," he checked her expression before continuing. "The natives are a bit… erm… snake like."
"Snakes!" Donna was horrified.
"And they tend to communicate by tasting you," he added, knowing that this destination was slipping away from his grasp.
"Well, that totally makes up my mind," she stated.
"I thought so," he sighed resignedly. "Oh, I know! How about Ngumo, the natives there are awfully sweet; they're like puppies!"
"What about the planet itself?" asked Donna.
"Erm… a bit dark and, to be honest, there are a lot of swamps," he rubbed the back of his neck in exasperation.
"Cross that one off the list, shall we?" she caressed his chest consolingly.
The Doctor's eyes flickered with a new interest, "We could always…"
"No. We are going out of the TARDIS to a new world. You promised." She firmly told him, but she nuzzled into his neck to show him she wasn't really angry.
"I swear you are trying to kill me! Okay, we'll go out somewhere, but I've run out of ideas; you keep distracting me. Shall we ask the TARDIS to decide?" the Doctor placed a kiss into her hair before trying to capture her lips again.
"Yeah, go on then." Donna squealed when he bent her over backwards to kiss down her neck, "I meant the honeymoon, you prawn, not the…"
He let go of her abruptly, "I knew that! Right, one honeymoon coming up." He moved to the console and pressed the random button.
The TARDIS materialized reasonably smoothly for a change, though the Doctor insisted on holding onto Donna just in case. Hand in hand, they headed down the ramp and through the doors; already smiling at what they hoped would greet them.
They had not expected to find themselves onboard what was obviously a spaceship. Metal grills greeted them everywhere, and the inevitable corridors. Why did spacecraft have so many corridors when living space was at a premium? Well, it was a question Donna wanted answering. "How romantic!" she quipped drily.
"Extremely. So where do you fancy first? The beach or the hotel?" he asked. He pulled her close and whispered, "Sorry."
"That's okay, I'm sure the control room is lovely this time of year." She reached up to kiss him, "Any where will be fine as long as it isn't yet another cell."
"As long as it doesn't have a vaporising holding field, eh?" he smirked as he remembered an earlier accident. "I don't think I'll manage to avert my gaze this time."
"I'm not convinced you managed it the first time!" she laughed softly. "I'm sure you had a quick ogle."
"I never said I didn't. I'd be mad not to," he kissed her back, taking his time to enjoy pressing her body against his. "I think we ought to go and find our hosts, and get this adventure on the road, don't you?" He gently guided her towards the more impressive end of the corridor they stood in, and they followed the twinkly lights.
The first person they met was a very startled being who looked exactly like how Donna imagined Mole to look in "Wind in the Willows". "Who are you?" the being demanded. "Where did you come from?"
"Hello!" breezed the Doctor stepping forward with an outstretched gesture. "I'm the Doctor, and this is Donna."
"I'm Gwindon," the startled being replied.
"Nice to meet you, Gwindon," the Doctor took his hand/paw and shook it. "We were wondering if there was… erm… any trouble about."
"Not that I know of," Gwindon cautiously answered. "I think the Captain ought to see you two."
"What a wonderful idea!" schmoozed the Doctor. "I'm sure he'd want to see us as well."
Gwindon looked at him as if he were completely insane, "Come this way."
Donna took the Doctor's hand and they chatted about inane things whilst Gwindon led them along the corridor. They weren't surprised that Gwindon made no attempt to join in or look at them.
They also weren't surprised when alarm bells started going off as they entered the control room where the Captain sat in a typically superior-looking chair. Jean-Luc Picard would have been proud, Donna thought.
"What is it, Gwindon?" the Captain growled. Does that make him Badger, Donna wondered?
"Captain, I found these two beings wandering on the second deck," Gwindon informed him.
The Captain turned his attention onto the pair of them, "Who are you?" The growl was low and menacing.
"Hello! I'm the Doctor and this is Donna," he started the charm offensive. "I see you're having a spot of bother," he pointed to the alarms, "do you want me to have a look?"
"Why should I?" the Captain really was feeling friendly today.
"Because I'm the Doctor," he simply stated.
"It's true," Donna put in, "he can help!" She grinned at the Doctor lovingly, and took his hand.
"I will never trust a Kyreen!" the Captain insisted.
"Oh, but we're not…," the Doctor didn't have a chance to finish that sentence because a sheet of some sort was thrown over both of their heads from behind.
As they were dragged away, they heard the Captain remark, "These stowaways are responsible for the fluxone levels escalating. Take them to the holding cell!"
'Oh great! Another cell!' Donna thought, just before blackness overtook her, and she went out like a light.
She awoke in a bedchamber that was extremely basic. She groaned as residual pain in her head hit her, and she turned to examine the room for clues, and a familiar presence. "I take it we didn't quite make it to the nearest Hilton Hotel?" she murmured seeing the Doctor sitting on the bed next to her. The colour theme of the room was grey and dust; Donna felt that the interior designer ought to be shot.
The Doctor wiped stray hair out of her eyes, "Sorry, but they were full up. This was all I could find."
"Ah well, you pay your money and you take your choice. What did I expect on £5 a day, eh?" she winced as she tried to sit up, and he rushed forward to help her.
"Are you okay?" he kissed her forehead. "You look a bit pale."
"How can you tell that from my normal paleness?" she teased. "I might be vibrant underneath this pallor."
"Are you questioning my observations? I do indeed know you are vibrant, among other things," he took hold of her head and placed gentle kisses beneath her ear.
"I'm questioning your timing, that's for certain! I don't think you ought to be doing that right here right now," she panted. He was making her body react in a way that inconsiderate in the circumstances.
"Should I stop?" he asked from against her neck.
"Only if we're being watched," she gasped. "And what is that horrible smell?" she pulled herself away from him, moving her head about to seek the smelly source.
"It's not that horrible, but it is unusual." He got off the bed with her, and began roaming the room too.
"Donna, come away from that vent!" he demanded. He could see the foul gas swirling around her.
"Why? I think that smell is coming from over here! Don't you want to know where it is coming from now?" she turned her astonished and accusing gaze onto him.
"Yes. But I know what that smell is." He tried not to raise his voice.
"Okay. Care to share with the class?" her anger was evident now.
"It's an aphrodisiac. They're pumping in an aphrodisiac." He saw her stare at him as if he had gone off his rocker.
"A what? They're doing what?" she repeated, trying to get a fix on the idea. "Why would they do that?"
"Perhaps it's their idea of entertaining? Who knows?" he moved round the bed to her. "Is it affecting you in any way?" He rubbed his hands down her arms while examining her eyes.
"I'm not… sorry, what were we saying? You were…," she caressed her way up his chest to end up stroking his face. "You are the most gorgeous man I have ever seen."
The Doctor went a deep red, "I… er… Donna, I think you've been drugged, and…"
Donna pulled his head down to her, with one hand, to sensually kiss him, whilst the other hand had crept to his shirt buttons and had begun to undo them. "Do you want to come and play for a little while?" she purred at him.
"I certainly do, only not here, love," he attempted to do his buttons back up. "And when did you…? Oh Donna! That is a beautiful bra! Where did you buy…?" his attention wavered for a few minutes. "Come on, do yourself back up, you'll thump me for this later if we carry on…," Donna waylaid him with another passionate kiss. "I'm not going to manage to hold-off much longer if you do that! Now play fair! I wasn't doing that to you!" he dragged himself away from her and drastically looked round the room for something that would help his plight. Donna grabbed him from behind, wrapping her arms around his waist while her hands travelled downwards, which did not help matters.
"My my you've grown," she drove all coherent thought out of his head as she spoke and acted so seductively.
"Donna, darling, please…," he begged as they landed on the bed after he'd tried to get away from her.
"What would you like me to do first?" she straddled him.
"To get off me!" he ground out as she licked his neck. Boy, were the different parts of his brain at war now!
She froze, "What? You don't want to play with me?"
He leant up to kiss her stricken face, "Not here. Please love, not here!" Seeing reason starting to reassert itself in her mind, he added, "The security guards will love this too much otherwise."
"They're doing what?" she almost jumped off him in her haste, and whirled around the room, seeking out the positions of the cameras that were obviously located in the room. "You sick bastards!" she yelled. "Me and my husband will sue the backsides off you when we get out of here!"
"Donna, that isn't helping us," he pointed out.
"It's making me feel loads better!" she angrily replied. "I'll tear him limb from limb; the demonic wanker who had the idea for this little escapade! Had your fun yet!" she yelled at the cameras. He had to agree that she did look menacing enough to carry out her threat.
A couple of minutes later there was a tentative knock on the door, and a note pushed under it. The Doctor swung himself off the bed and picked it up to read. He smiled delightedly as he did so. "It seems you have frightened them enough on camera for them to apologise! They want me to hold you back so that they can open the door, and negotiate our release terms. Well, that's a first. I was expecting it to be harder to get out of here," he beamed at her.
He handed her the note, which she pretended to read since it might as well be hieroglyphics for the sense it made to her. She did manage to guess which symbol stood for her, oddly enough. "What do we have to do now then?" she asked incredulously.
"I'm assuming meet up with the Captain again, have a talk, and hightail it out of here, if that note is genuine," he held out a hand to her. "Care to be suitable restrained Ms Noble?"
"How come I'm a Ms all of a sudden? Doesn't that make me a divorcee or a career woman? Why can't I be a Mrs?" she glared at him.
"I don't know! It seemed appropriate; sorry I got it wrong," he took hold of her arm. "What do you want to be called now?"
"I wasn't going to choose Slartibartfast!" she joked. "I dunno, now I come to think of it; Mrs Noble or Mrs Doctor seems the most logical."
He pretended to restrain her from attacking the guard standing near the now-open door, for their amusement, "Do you need to add me like that? Only you are an extremely independent woman."
"You've noticed that have you, that I'm a woman? Can't get anything past you, can I?" she smirked, enjoying several guards keeping out of her way as they headed down a corridor. "How about you taking my name for a change; get away from all that Smith business?"
"I can do that," he escorted her through a doorway. "Would make a pleasant change, actually."
"Thought it would," she managed to add as they arrived back in front of the Captain.
"Hello again!" the Doctor greeted the Captain.
"You did not tell me you were not Kyreen!" the Captain accused them. "You are only human!" he said, as if being human was the equivalent of being a slug or lower.
"What d'you mean o-…," Donna began to wind-up; but the Doctor cut across her rant, taking the wind from her sails.
"Nope, we're definitely not Kyreen. I take it that would be bad, do I?" he looked hopefully at the Captain. "So, we'll be off, if that's okay, and you've sorted out your fluxone levels. Good, and you might want to keep an eye on your hetronium readout while you're about it." He turned to Donna, "Are you coming, Madam? Our chariot awaits."
"Just make sure you pick somewhere a little better for our next attempt at a honeymoon, will you?" she took his proffered arm, and they made for the corridor again before another "Wind in the Willows" character could stop them.
"I still don't think we need to actually leave the TARDIS," he complained.
"And I want to go somewhere we'll remember for the rest of our lives. I know you think it's a waste of time but…," she argued.
"I never said it's a waste of time, I was merely suggesting we pursue other things first," he pouted.
"Other things, or me in particular?" she kissed his cheek, as they disappeared down the corridor towards the TARDIS.
Gwindon gave the Captain a secretive smile. "I think I may be in love. She gave me food," he confided as he watched the couple vanish from view, patting his pocket that held the sandwiches Donna had made. "I wonder if he'll sell her?"