John Hart finished his lunch at the open air café and paid with a stolen credit card. He strode down the sidewalk back to the ruins of the High School, wanting to get a better look at it in the sunlight. John kept wondering why several of the non-humans stared at him in disbelief when he walked by. "I must be getting a reputation from all of the new friends I've shagged in the last 24 hours," he guessed. What most of them were staring at was John walking through patches of sunlight unharmed. John was right about the rest, they wanted to know if he really was as good as their friends had said he was. John made it to the High school with only one brief stop to demonstrate his prowess to some fans. He climbed into the ruins and started poking around. His wrist band had shown no life signs so he was startled when he heard a voice behind him. John spun around.
"Blondie Bear? What are you doing here?" the vacant looking blonde woman asked.
John pulled out his psychic paper holder and showed it to her. "Building inspector," he said and put the paper away quickly. The paper would show her whatever he wanted her to see, unless she was extremely strong willed. John didn't have many fears about that.
Harmony saw the VERY official looking badge that had read, "Spike, Building Inspector". She was impressed, but confused at why her on again, off again lover's suddenly decided to get a job. "Why did you get a job?" she asked him.
"To earn money…?" John said hesitantly.
"Oh, that makes sense. You always were pretty broke. You would think for someone your age you would have made at least some investments over the years," Harmony chided him. They had had this discussion before. Harmony had been amazed that neither Angel nor Spike had ever thought to put money away in a bank to accrue interest, considering they were almost immortal.
"What does she mean 'someone your age'? I'm only in my 40's." John thought, insulted. He looked at the blonde woman and glanced down at his wrist strap. His adrenaline shot up when the Vortex manipulator only registered one life sign, his. "Um…I'm sorry, what was your name?" John said politely.
Harmony clenched her jaw and punched a huge dent in the metal locker next to John's head. "Very cute, Blondie Bear! We have only been broke up for a couple of months and you're saying you can't even remember my name?" she shouted.
John spared a glance at the manipulator one more time and saw the woman was room temperature, and not exhaling CO2. "Oh goodie, apparently she's DEAD and Dalek shit crazy. Just my luck," John thought.
Harmony took in a breath to speak (actually to yell at Spike) and inhaled a heavy dose of John's pheromones. Her vampire enhanced smell was overloaded and all she was able to think about was having sex with her "Blondie Bear." Her senses were so overloaded she couldn't pick up on the fact that he didn't smell like Spike (or a vampire at all.) Harmony grabbed John by the jacket and said hungrily, "Let's have sex! Oh and, love the new clothes by the way."
John ran through his "Haven't Tried That Yet" list in his mind and saw that sex with a dead person was still on there. He had never given it much thought considering they just lay there, usually. Having one being very animated and wanting to jump his bones put a whole new spin on things. "I'll give it a try," thought John. "Never one to turn sex down," John told Harmony. Harmony squealed with glee, clapping her hands. She dropped to the floor and yanked off his pants. "She might be Dalek shit crazy, but at least she's friendly," John thought happily.
It was almost noon by the time Spike finally got the DVD player hooked up in his crypt. His old television didn't have the right set of connections in the back, so he had to back to the stuffy demon and ask to borrow his TV. Carrying the TV while simultaneously keeping the blanket covering him had been a stone bitch. He sat down with a sigh in his favorite chair, grabbed a bottle of booze, and pressed play on the remote control. An image of Andrew sprang to life. "Greetings to our nemesis, Buffy, Slayer of the Vampires," he said. Andrew had an annoying habit of putting an emphasis on the "pire" syllable. "It is I Andrew, member of the Triad of Evil. Tonight I want you to come along with us on a sordid tale of lust, betrayal, and homoerotic beauty."
"Dude, what are you doing in there? Warren wants to put together the DVD to blackmail Spike," Jonathan's voice could be heard off camera.
"Nothing, just preparing an opening," Andrew replied.
"We agreed it didn't need one. Hurry up, I need to use the toilet," Jonathan insisted. Andrew leaned forward and turned off the camera.
The next scene showed Spike dressed in a red jacket walking into Buffy's favorite alley. He was wearing a sword and two guns. "Bugger me!" Spike exclaimed from his chair, leaning forward to look at the TV. He quickly regretted his choice of curse words. The following scene was of Spike himself buggering a Fyarl demon. It was like a train wreck (or an episode of Oprah), too horrible to look away from. He drained the bottle of cheap whiskey in one long draw. Spike spoke Fyarlese and was somewhat comforted to learn that the big brute thought he was a very competent sex partner. He was about to turn the TV off when the Fyarl demon began yelling out at the height of its orgasm. Where most people would yell "Oh, god," or whatever their particular deity was, the Fyarl demon yelled out "Limbaugh". "That explains a lot," Spike said as he shut off the TV. He popped out the DVD and tried to decide what to do. The behavior of everyone in town suddenly made sense. There was some extremely handsome, obviously bent as a wire clothes hangar, but still very handsome chap going around pretending to be him. He thought back to his encounter at the Magic Box. Buffy was mad at him because his doppelganger must have made a pass at Giles and beat the piss out of Xander. It would be funny it weren't for the fact the chap had gotten Buffy mad at him. Spike chose to clear his name and grabbed his wool blanket, heading back out into the daylight on his way to the Magic Shop.
John had left a spent dead girl named Harmony (he had finally gotten her to give him her name) resting in the ruins of the High School. He was whistling while he walked. John was also watching the spindly teenage girl following him. John was using the reflections of the shop windows and parked cars to keep track of her. He was mildly impressed. For someone so young, she was showing a great deal of skill in surveillance. If it weren't for his paranoid nature (in most places people WERE out to get him) he probably wouldn't have noticed here. She kept back about 20 -30 yards and never approached him. John didn't see any obvious signs of weapons. His curiosity was peaked. John's thoughts were completely derailed however when the handsome man from the library drove up in a sporty, red four wheel transport with no top.
"Hello, again," the man said in an accent sort of similar to those of Jack's team. "Do you remember me?" he asked John.
"Of course I remember you. You're the gorgeous man from the library," John replied.
Giles forced himself to smile. He leaned across his car and opened the passenger door. "You suggested I might be of some service to you…" Giles said, letting the end trail off suggestively. Buffy was in the trunk and wasn't sure what gave her the wiggins more; Spike going gay for Giles, or hearing Giles get all seductive on Spike.
John rushed over to the passenger seat and sat down, shutting the door. "I can think of sorts of ways you can service me," John said with a smile. Buffy nearly gagged. Giles kept his bile down and gave an Oscar winning performance.
"Shall we go to your place?" Giles asked.
"Oh yeah," John said, resting his hand on Giles' thigh. "My hotel is just over there," he said pointing with his other hand. Buffy was looking through a crack they had made so she could keep an eye on Spike. She saw where Spike had his hand and without thinking, she bent Giles' tire iron in half.
The half mile drive to the hotel was possibly the longest drive either Buffy or Giles had ever had to endure. Once they stopped, John vaulted over the door without bothering to open it. Giles took his time opening his door and asked John casually, "What room are you in?"
"213. Which I can guarantee will be your lucky number," John boasted.
"213," Giles repeated loudly. "I'm sure there will be quite a bit of entertainment there."
Buffy counted slowly to 100 before she pulled the emergency trunk release and got out of the car. She ran up the stairs and stopped in front of room 213. Buffy saw that Giles had left the door slightly ajar, making it easy for her to get in when he called for her. She pushed hard on the door to 215, breaking the lock. Buffy was furious with Spike. If it wasn't total mind control, she was going to kick his ass. She had to be honest with herself. Even if it was total mind control, she was going to kick his ass. Buffy took out her cell-phone and called Willow to let her know where they were.
Giles and John stood close to each other in John's room. Too close for Giles' comfort. "There is that wonderful smell again. I swear I have smelled something similar to it, but not quite. I suppose I better get this over with," Giles thought. "Well mate, to do most of the things I think you have in mind, you need to be sans clothing," Giles suggested.
John put his hand on Giles' chest. "You've been spending way too much time with these Americans. You're in way too much of a hurry. We should take this slow," he said in a low, sultry voice.
"Bloody hell! Why can't anything ever be simple?" Giles wondered to himself.
Willow was too engrossed in the book she was reading to look up when the bell over the door rang. She did look up when Xander stopped talking to Anya and Tara. They were silently staring towards the front door. Willow spun around and watched a smoking Spike toss off his blanket. She blinked several times to make sure she was seeing what she was seeing. Buffy had just checked in to say Giles and Spike had just gone into a hotel room. "Spike, you're here," Willow said in shock.
"Well at least one of you lot notices me," Spike huffed.
"Spike, you're here," Willow repeated.
"I think we've established that, Red," Spike said, patting a still smoldering patch of his black jacket.
"Spike, you're… here…" Willow said for a third time.
"Look, never mind. I need to get a hold of Buffy right away," Spike said. He looked at Willow who was pointing from the center of the Magic Box and then to the direction of the hotel and then back to the center of the room. She did this with a confused look on her face. "Has Red gone mental?" Spike asked Tara.
"What are you doing here? You supposed to be in a hotel room being seduced by Giles?" Xander blurted out.
"Pardon," Spike said politely. The sudden shock of hearing the most unlikely sentence in the English language come out of Xander's mouth causing him to revert to his cultured British upbringing.
"You're supposed to be in a hotel room across town where Giles in trying to seduce you into stripping naked," Anya explained. Spike changed his mind. That was the most unlikely sentence in the English language. "Buffy is in the next room waiting to either save Giles, kick your ass, or both," she said. For the first time in close to a hundred years, Spike couldn't think of anything witting to say. He just stood there blinking his eyes. A small smile started to play across his face. Buffy would find the imposter and Giles; well Giles could deal with whatever happened. Spike reached into his pocket and crushed the DVD.
Dawn came out from the back with a tea set. "This all I could find. Giles doesn't have any coffee. Who wants tea?" she asked. She froze in her tracks when she saw Spike standing in the entry way.
Spike got over his shock and raised his hand, jumping up and down. "Ooh, ooh, I would. Yes, please," he said. Spike rushed to the table in the middle of the room. He swept his long jacket under him and sat down with a happy smile on his face. "I'll have mine with 4 lumps and plenty of milk," he told Dawn.
After some expert maneuvering on his part, Giles had finally convinced Spike to shed his clothes and let him keep his on. Spike was doing a slow strip tease. A small part of Giles' mind was impressed at how muscular the blonde vampire was. The rest of his mind was still thoroughly creeped out about being in a confined space with a vampire who wanted to bugger him. Spike dropped his final piece of clothing and stood before Giles in all of his naked splendor. "Good lord, is that a result of being turned into a vampire, or was Spike that well endowed before he was changed," Giles wondered. Now that all of the clothing was off, Giles waited for the effects of the jacket to wear off. He hoped Spike wouldn't be too angry. Instead of wearing off, judging from an obvious sign below the waist, Spike was still very much interested in Giles.
"Now my gorgeous librarian, let's get down to business," John said, taking a step forward. He reached over and softly caressed Giles cheek.
"BUFFY!" Giles screamed.
"Well I am naked, yeah…" John said before the door slammed open and a petite blonde girl stormed into the room. She closed the distance between them remarkably fast. She shoved him in the chest, knocking him into a wall.
Buffy wasn't sure what to expect, but what she heard "Spike" say next wasn't it. John looked at Giles, glee in his eyes. "Oooh! You brought a dominatrix to play with us. You thought of everything," he said warmly. John looked at Buffy and then at the floor. "We've been very naughty, Mistress. We need to be punished," he said suggestively. Buffy launched herself forward and pinned him to the wall by his throat. "Rough, I like that!" he told her.
Buffy knew Spike liked rough sex, he didn't have to remind her. Her slayer senses were tapping on the window of her consciousness, trying to be noticed. Buffy pushed aside her anger temporarily and focused on what her senses were trying to tell her. The first thing she noticed was how great Spike smelled. The next thing she noticed was the throbbing pulse in his neck. Buffy glanced down and promised herself not to think the word "throbbing" again while holding a naked, turgid vampire pinned to a wall. "Pulse?" she registered. Buffy watched him start to turn blue from lack of air. She let go and he gasped for air, rubbing his throat.
"Thank you for getting here so quickly, Buffy," Giles said.
"He's alive," Buffy said in disbelief.
"Yes, I can see that you didn't stake him. Why you haven't is beyond me," Giles muttered.
Buffy pointed to the naked man still rubbing his neck. "He…is…alive," Buffy said, in near hysterics. Giles gave her a questioning look, not comprehending what she was trying to get across. "Giles, that is a man!" she yelled.
"She doesn't get out much does she," John said hoarsely. He straightened up and looked at the odd couple arguing. He didn't get a sexual vibe from them at all. Instead he got more of a mentor / student thing.
Buffy spun to face John. "You're not a vampire are you?" she asked pointedly.
"Look folks, solar radiation is bad for your skin. That is why I don't tan. What is it with everybody calling me a vampire? Do I have to wear a name tag in this town that reads, 'John Hart, Not a Vampire'?" John asked tersely.
Buffy was about to say something when Giles asked softly, "What did you say your name was, again?" All trace of the agitation from earlier had fled. Buffy thought she could sense a bit of hope in Giles' voice.
"John Hart, why?" John replied suspiciously.
Giles sat down hard in the chair next to the door. He ran his hand through his hair. "You're just as he described you, but that was 20 some odd years ago. Which means that everything he told me was true," Giles said, shaking his head.
John gave Giles a sad smile. "Let me guess. Tall, dark, great in bed, American accent?" John offered. Giles nodded his head. John felt an indescribable warmth at knowing Jack had spoken about him.
Giles stood up suddenly. "Buffy, this man is human and therefore I can take care of him myself," Giles said. "I will interview him and see what he is doing in Sunnydale," he said. "Why don't you head back to the Magic Shop and I'll get a hold of you later," he said authoritatively. "Oh and Buffy, close the door on your way out," Giles said. Buffy caught him loosening his tie out of the corner of her eye as she left the room. She closed the door, hard. Buffy needed to vent. Spike was going to get some rough sex tonight, whether he wanted it or not.