Disclaimer – Joss Whedon owns BtVS not me don't sue" I own Xander's hat and Uncle Peter, and the plot.   

He sits alone, a cup of black coffee in one hand the other absently playing with the baseball cap at his left, normally it's a coffee with milk and sugar but today he'd rather it was black, he's not in a sunny mood.

 The baseball cap didn't really suit him anymore maybe when he was 16, but now he was 21 the hair was long again falling lightly over his forehead a dark enthralling midnight black.

  Staring out over the crowded mall, he sighed his amber eyes running over the familiar sights from his childhood, laughing at school with friends, coffee right here with his girl of the moment. But life changes don't it? People grow up, move away, they change, he changed, his friends changed, the only thing that didn't were his parents – still the same still didn't care.

 The baseball caps a comfort really his uncle (mom's half brother Peter – the only worthwhile person in the family, a doctor no less) had given it to him, it was an LA Dodgers hat he didn't support them he liked football more but Uncle Peter had been a big fan.

 Uncle Pete had died of "unknown causes" ten years ago, Sunnydale speak for two little bite holes in his neck. The boy he used to be had been distraught Uncle Pete was the only guy in his family nice to him, the man he was now only saw yet another vampire killing, to add to Jesse, Jenny Calendar, Harmony Kendall, Principal Snyder (not so much caring there folks), Kendra to name but a few. Vampires could piss him off sometimes.


 Now there was a guy who had everything he never had – charisma, charm, Buffy, strength, slaying capability…Sure he had that whole curse thing but even that worked for him.

 Sometimes vampires really pissed him off.

Maybe the cap was a comfort but he hadn't worn it in three years, not since Cordelia left. So why now was he pulling it onto his head, black hair sticking out in disarray?

 Many reasons really. Not just one. It never is though is it?  If it's one it's lots. Complex. That's life in a nutshell if truth were told. And truth was a bitch to come by in this day and age.

 Reason one Anya. Reason two? Himself.

 Anya…well there you go.

 Himself? He wasn't special. Not smart. Not strong. Not magical.

 Somehow it didn't matter, somehow it really didn't, it all had before, back then. When it mattered. Back in the days of the scoobies. But everything was different then he was with Cordelia, Buffy was fun and he and Willow were still best friends.

 Life changes. Was that the original point?


 Maybe it didn't matter.

 Maybe it never did.

 That was the problem the not caring scared him. Since when was Alexander LaVelle Harris apathetic? Since never that's when. He'd always cared about friends about Cordy, Anya (though not thankfully at the same time), Buffy, Willow, Dawn, heck even Giles he was nicer to Xander when he was growing up, really growing up, forming morals, exploring sex, relationships and friendship and just what the difference was, than Xander's father ever was, Giles was around more too come to think of it.

But now he failed to care, it was like someone had pulled the plug on his emotions, "Nope sorry Xander, old buddy, old pal, you don't need them anymore, what the heck did you need them for in the first place anyway?" A hard question when you really stopped to think about it. Which he never had, the little guy deep inside him could stand there and ask, wave his wooden stick around if he wanted, but Xander just didn't care enough anymore.

 When was the last time he'd felt that old feeling of worry or fear? Don't know that answer either.

 He remembered the last time he'd felt passion of anger, followed by that hollow feeling he felt all the time now.

 When Cordy left.

 Cordy could make him laugh, smile, yell, and once even cry. He missed her, yeah her fire, her spark, her vivacity.  Anya just didn't do it, she wasn't Cordy, the way he felt with Anya was safe, secure, comfortable.

 Where was the fun? Passion? Love?

 Los Angeles.

 With Angel and Wesley.

 The cap was great and all, but maybe it was time to go do something about his life.

 And maybe he'd do that in LA.

A/N Okay I started writing this and just went with it, it was gong to be just a stream-of-consciousness thing, but it appears to have turned into a Cordy/Xander fic.

 Next chapter Xander turns up in LA folks, beware, romance shall not be around for a while!

Warning, this entire story is going to have mature Xander in it so if it's a OOC it's the way he has to be for this story.

And yes I am more a Cordy/Xander supporter than Anya/Xander

The story will also have Buffy/Angel undertows.

Note for later chapters – I don't watch Angel