The Guy with the Eye
(a Potterverse parody of The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss)

Headmaster's office.
For our fight we must pay.
Our detention task was
To remain there all day.

I sat there with Malfoy.
We sat there, we two.
And I said, "You're a git."
And he said, "So are you."

We didn't have wands,
And we'd given our word
To just sit and not fight,
Supervised by the Bird.

So all we could do was to
And think how we hated
Each other's hair.

And then
Something went CLUNK!
Was it Peeves? Were we drunk?

We looked!
Then we saw him slip in on the sly.
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Guy with the Eye!
And he said to us,
"Vigilance! Want to know why?"

"I know I look odd
And sound a tad paranoid,
But out there are
Lots of Dark Arts to avoid!"

"I know some Dark Arts you should see,"
Said the guy.
"I know some wild spells,"
Said the Guy with the Eye.
"A lot of bad spells.
I will show them to you.
Dear Albus
Will not mind at all if I do!"

Then Malfoy and I
Both got nervous. A lot.
Did Dumbledore know about this?
Maybe not.

And the Bird said, "No, no!
Make that guy stop right there!
Tell that Guy with the Eye
That you have to take care.
He can't teach Dark Arts!
He should not be about.
He can't teach Dark Arts
While dear Albus is out."

"Now! Now! Don't you fuss.
Don't you fuss!" said the guy.
"It's for your own good,"
Said the Guy with the Eye.
"Why, you can learn
Ever so much from one word,
With a curse that I call
Crucio on a Bird!"

"Flippin' heck!" shrieked the Bird.
"Unforgivable Curse!
Cut it out!" shrieked the Bird.
"I have never felt worse!"

"Don't you fuss!" said the guy.
"I'm quite good at that spell.
I can do it to you
And this spider as well.
And Imperio too!
See the glint in my Eye?
But that is not ALL I can do!"
Said the guy...

"Look at me!
Look at me now!" said the guy.
"I can levitate you
In the blink of an Eye!
Along with the spider,
And the Crucioed Bird,
And this big silver sword!
And a hinkypunk turd!
Just watch!
See the old Sorting Hat climb the wall!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all...

"Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
You can handle Dark Arts
But you have to know how.
I'll summon a Kappa
And a few grindylows!
And here's a fine boggart,
In the Pensieve he goes!
Make Malfoy a ferret
And Potter a snake!
And look! See the Bird
Transform into a cake!
I'll AK the spider,
As the Hat climbs the wall!
But that is not all.
Oh, no.
That is not all..."

That is what the guy said...
Then he stopped, and he twitched,
And he reached for his flask,
And he took a long drink.
And Malfoy and I
Didn't know what to think.

We changed back to ourselves
And the Bird changed back too.
It said, "I don't like this.
Oh, no! It won't do."
Then the Sorting Hat fell,
Having climbed quite enough.
It landed on Malfoy
And called out, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Now look what you've done!"
Said the Bird to the guy.
"You've scrambled the Hat!"
Said the Bird with a sigh.
"You've bent Godric's sword,
And the Pensieve is cracked!
Why make Potter a snake?
Don't you have any tact?
You should not be here
When dear Albus is not.
You apologise now!"
Said the Bird, looking hot.

"But my work is not done.
Oh, I won't go just yet!"
Said the Guy with the Eye
To the Bird in a fret.
"I will not go away.
Nor apologise. No!
And so," said the Guy with the Eye,
I will show you
The darkest Dark Arts that I know!"

And then he clunked out.
And, then, after a tick,
The Guy with the Eye
Came back in with a fic.

A fresh HP fic.
How it quivered and shook!
"Now look at this curse,"
Said the guy.
"Take a look!"

We backed off in alarm
As he raised his wand high.
"I call this curse Death-Of-A-Fic,"
Said the guy.
"In this fic is a thing
That could scare Voldemort.
You won't like it at all,"
Said the guy, with a snort.

"I will open the fic.
You will see something new.
A girl who is known as
The Damn Mary Sue.
She's perfect and brilliant
And psychic as well!"
Then, out of the fic
Came the OC from hell.
And she ran to us fast.
She said, "How do you do?
Would you like a nice ship
With a Damn Mary Sue?"

Then Malfoy and I
Turned to puddles of goo.
We were caught in the curse
Of the Damn Mary Sue.
She'd become our best friend.
But the Bird said, "No! No!
This girl should not be
On the loose! Make her go!
She should not be here
When dear Albus is not.
Get her out! Get her out!
She'll destroy the whole plot!"

"Be afraid, so afraid,"
Said the Guy with the Eye.
"This curse is the worst."
And he started to cry.
"She is lame. Oh, so lame!
But she's transferred to stay.
She's related to Snape,
And keeps saving the day."

"Now, watch what she does to the school,"
Said the guy.
"She's gone to explore,"
Said the Guy with the Eye.

"No! Don't let her loose!"
Cried the Bird in sheer fright.
"She should not be seen
In the school! It's not right.
Oh, the things she will say!
Oh, the things she will do!
Oh, beware of the curse
Of Damn Mary Sue!"

Then Malfoy and I
Had to stand back and stare.
We saw Damn Mary Sue
Toss her long golden hair!
Her eyelashes fluttered.
All the boys were right there.

The Damn Mary Sue!
She made friends! She had style!
She hexed the whole school
With the power of her smile.
Her smile was so sweet
No one got in her way.
She won two hundred points
On her very first day!

And the Damn Mary Sue
Was the new Quidditch star!
Then she beat the Dark Lord
And erased my old scar.
And I said,
"I do NOT like the story this way!
If Rowling could see this,
Oh, what would she say!"

Then the Bird said, "Look! Look!"
Slapping Malfoy and me.
"Dear Albus is on his way back!
Do you see?
Oh, what will he think of this?
What will he do?
Oh, he will not like her,
That Damn Mary Sue!"

"So, DO something! Fast!" said the Bird.
"Don't you care?
She's making the readers
Give up in despair!
There's no dialogue left
You will have to get rid of
That Damn Mary Sue!"

There was only one way:
Mirror of Erised.
And I said, "Erised!
It will stop her, I bet.
I bet Erised
Stops Damn Mary Sue dead."

Then the Damn Mary Sue
She looked into the glass
And she gasped, and she shrieked,
And she fell on her ass.
"I see me!" she exclaimed.
"I look so much brighter!
It's myself like I'd be
If I had a good writer!"

"Smooth move," growled the guy.
"You just gave her self-doubt.
She's stunned.
Fading out...
Fading out...
Fading out..."

Then the Damn Mary Sue
Went back into her fic.
And the guy picked it up
And clunked off, looking sick.

"Oh, that's good!" said the Bird.
"So at last he departs!
But dear Albus will come,
And find signs of Dark Arts!"
We gazed round in horror
At the whole Potterverse:
Reduced to a shadow
By the Mary Sue curse.

Who was back on the scene?
Why, the guy!
"Don't you fuss about this,"
Said the Guy with the Eye.
"I don't need an angry Headmaster...
And so...
I will show you another
Good spell that I know!"

Then we watched him fix up
All the things that were broke.
Was the spell that he spoke.
It fixed up the sword
And the Pensieve and Hat.
Restored us to canon,
And we all cheered at that.
Not a trace of Dark Arts
Remained when it was done.
And the guy rolled his Eye
As he left at a run.

Then Dumbledore came
And he said to us two,
"No more fighting, I see!
How was Damn Mary Sue?"

And Malfoy and I exchanged looks
Of dismay.
Had he planned all
The things that had happened that day?

Was he playing more mind games?
Or had the curse hit him too?
How would YOUR plot twist,
If you wrote Mary Sue?


Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Dr. Seuss, JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Neither do I intend any disrespect for Dr. Seuss or infringement of the relevant copyright.