A/N This is a one shot that I thought of today in English. We are reading a dull Scottish novel called Consider the Lilies. In it I found randomly a couple of innuendos so I figured…write a little fan fiction about it … so here is the product. Puckurt established relationship…warnings sex references, innuendos. Boys being boys…although half these things my friends and I were either laughing or nudging each other and I am a girl…Honestly if you have ever read this book- its quite dull, but I had to write this because although I doubt they were intended, there was a couple of "wrong sounding stuff" in it.
English lit. 17TH Sept. 2010
I hate this subject. It is so dull. We don't read any good books ever. The play we did was not romantic like Romeo and Juliet, or quirky like A Midsummer's nights dream, but an Inspector calls. The only funny thing about it was Puck learned a new word: "Squiffy." I found it amusing how he went about telling people he was squiffy unaware of his meaning. Then he told my dad. This was the conversation.
"Hey Mr. H how are you?" Puck started flashing an award winning smile.
"Puckerman. I am good, thank you. And you?" My dad asked semi friendly, semi -this is the punk dating my son, although I am used to it I still find him annoying and untrustworthy- irritated.
"I am squiffy." He replied grinning.
"Kurt get inside."
"No you cannot. Cannot date this guy. Drunk? Its 4.30 in the bloody afternoon! Have you been drinking?"
I remember freezing, half scared and also half amused.
"Noah? Honey? Did I ever tell you what squiffy means?" I turned to Puck laughing.
"Mr Hummel! Pay attention!" My English teacher Mr Davidson yelled. I snapped my focus back to him. "Mr Hummel stand up! Would you mind repeating the text we will be studying from last night?"
I stood up. This always happened. Mr Davidson is totally out to get me.
Me and Puck's sext convo? I thought.
"Erm…Wuthering Heights?" I took a guess, with one of my favourite books.
"No. We would never study that trash here!" He rolled his eyes.
"At least I didn't say Harry Potter or Twilight" I remarked.. I looked across the class and locked eyes with Puck. He looked bemused and amused. That was generally his look in English though.
"Keep your mind on English, Mr Hummel. What the heck were you thinking about anyway?"
"My boyfriend" I smirked as he went red. I sat down. Some members of the class were giggling, others looked uncomfortable. Puck just high fived Mike who he was siting with.
"I…oh er…Anyway as I was saying we shall be studying Consider The Lilies. Iain Cricton Smith's great Scottish work."
"I thought this was English Lit…" I said under my breath.
"Mr Hummel…" He said warningly. Homophobic asshole.
The bell rang interrupting him and I walked over to Puck. He laughed and said
"Wuthering heights? Harry Potter and Twilight? My boyfriend?"
I laughed too, then he took my hand and we walked out.
English lit. September 20th 2010
"But of course her visitor wouldn't know about this, nor the helplessness overwhelming pity she had felt for her mother. Nor did he know about those long patient years which had put a hardness in her, a hardness which her husband had often commented upon." We listened to Mr Davidson drone on and on. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. It was Puck.
I rolled my eyes, realising why boys may find that funny. My phone vibrated again.
maybe she is not the only one with a hardness in her…well at least tonight she wont be ;)
I laughed, and blushed, and looked over at Puck who was watching me, amused.
Mr Davidson stopped. "Ok lets talk about that last passage and how her past life and trials made her hard. She was tough. Yes her pains had put this hardness in her that…"
I was trying to contain my giggles at this point, Mercedes, who was next to me gave me a weird look. I showed her the text, and she started giggling too.
"This hardness will be shown in later chapters when her son comes into it…"
Mercedes nudged me. I glanced over at Puck who was full on shaking.
"Mr Hummel! Is there a problem?" Mr Davidson asked. I turned red.
"Er…n-no." I started laughing again.
"Detention. Mr Hummel. You can bring anyone else laughing right now." Puck, obviously not listening, thought this would be a good time to point out why he was laughing to Finn and Mike.
Detention. September 20th 2010.
"A hardness!". Every time someone said it, we all started again. Me, Puck, Cedes, Mike, Finn and randomly Suzy Pepper, who said dreamily: "Laughter is infectious"
English Lit. September 21st 2010.
We were again reading the book.
"He turned violently away from the window and something about her bowed submissive posture seemed to irritate him even more for he lashed the whip against his leather leggings."
Crap. I knew what was coming. I got a text. I didn't want to read it though, but curiosity killed the cat. I opened up the text to see…
"Wow this dude either was really kinky or never intended or realised what he was saying… ;) "
I could feel Cedes laughing next to me. Again we all ended up in detention, except (thankfully) Suzy Pepper.
English Lit September 24th.
This was not so much innuendo filled as it was crude and weird.
Mr Davidson started chapter 3.
"- was always cheerful, though she had a bad habit of peeing against the wall-"
My phone buzzed. It simply read: WTF.
We ended up in detention for 30 minutes before failing to explain why we turned up late for glee.
English Lit September 27th.
The book had been thoroughly lacking innuendos for 2 chapters now. We also had managed to stay out of detention. That was until chapter 5.
"Mrs Scott told her everything that had happened to ejaculations of…"
That was it. I did not need a text. Neither did Cedes, Finn or Puck. The four of us just started laughing.
"For Fuc- Fudge sake! Detention. The four of you."
Detention. September 27th.
Mr Davidson walked in amidst out laughing.
"Ok the breakfast club. I have decided to change books. You all are for some strange reason finding this book funny. And for immature reasons too. You do know that there is more to words than -"
We all just looked at each other and started laughing again.
"I-I. Wuthering heights. Maybe we should study that." Mr Davidson turned to leave the room. "Oh and you will be in here for 2 weeks after school and at lunch."
That shut the four of us up.
A/N ok this was fun to write. Basically we havent studied much more than that…it was childish to laugh and to write this, but I couldn't resist…oh and I didn't get a detention and my teacher doesn't hate me…she didn't know about my friends and I laughing at this stuff. Yes. That is Scottish lit for you. And I may have ruined a classic for you…all quotes from the book are authentic, none of this belongs to me blah blah blah. Well except Mr Davidson.
Anyway review please J oh and I am kinda paranoid I will get hate for this…either because I am being childish or ruining a book for people, so if I get a lot of hate I will take this off.