One Messed Up Night

Chapter 1: Seeing Pink

"Shit, I have the worst headache," Nnoitra complained, walking the halls of Las Noches, following Ulquiorra as he patrolled, "I don't even remember what I did last night."

"Do you ever remember what you did the prior night in the morning?" The dreary-faced Espada replied, hands tucked into his hakama. Nnoitra pondered the thought for a moment.

"I sometimes do," he finally said, "but seriously...I woke up alone in my bed this morning, so I think I had a fun time!"

"Yes." Ulquiorra said flatly. Nnoitra couldn't figure the guy out; he was always so cold, and yet, he had that super-hot redheaded pet in his custody. Whenever Nnoitra would ask, Ulquiorra would just brush it off as if women weren't something be chased. You'd think he was gay or something!

"Allllright." Nnoitra said, slinking away from the depressing creature and, whistling, his hands in his hakama, he mindlessly roamed the halls of the palace. It wasn't long until he met Ichimaru Gin; the silver fox's smile annoyed Nnoitra more than Ulquiorra's lifelessness.

"I never noticed how thin the walls of Las Noches were, eh Spoony?" Gin prodded, elbowing Nnoitra in the side, or, the equivalent pelvis on the tall Espada. Gin blocked the hallway Nnoitra was walking, and with his pounding headache, he didn't feel like pulverising the little bugger, and he wasn't the type to turn back, either. He knows about last night, Nnoitra thought with a smile, maybe I can scare the info out of him.

"What did you hear you little turd?" Nnoitra roared, shoving Gin in the shoulder. The silver-haired man's smile didn't falter.

"You don't remember, do you?" Gin's smile grew wider.

"It was your sake," Nnoitra growled, grabbing Gin's collar, lifting him off the ground, "I don't remember shit! What happened? Tell me!"

Gin laughed, finding the incident a lot funnier than Nnoitra, "shall I tell you? Well, you'd sure find out soon enough," he chuckled and Nnoitra shook him furiously, "Alright! Let's just say...last night, you weren't seeing red, you were seeing pink!"

Nnoitra dropped the ex-shinigami and clattered down the hall towards the laboratory to a chorus of laughter from Gin. Shit shit shit shit shit...The memories were flooding back to him; memories he'd rather forget.

He burst through the doors of the lab moments later, his shoes slipping on the black tile floor, but never losing his momentum as he hurdled across the room. Szayel was on the other side of the long, straight lab, hunched over a bubbling beacon full of a mysterious blue substance labelled 'Essence of Pantera'. Nnoitra screeched to a stop against a workbench, causing the table to wobble and nearly tip over.

"Please, Jiruga, you're going to break something," Szayel said without so much as looking up from his work, "I mean, if you didn't already break it last night."

Nnoitra's face went red with rage and, regrettably, embarrassment, "tell me this is a dream!"

"You've probably only dreamt of that before," Szayel muttered, "but no, sadly, I wasted myself on you last night."

"No!" The tall Espada screamed, sounding much like a dying cow, falling to his knees, "fuck!"

"Yes, exactly." Szayel 's warm amber eyes fell upon the squirming Nnoitra. Sighing indifferently, he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose before folding his arms behind his back and strolling to Spoony's side, "and dare I say, you enjoyed it."

"Don't get arrogant," Nnoitra hissed, his visible eye foul through the veil of his dark black hair, "I don't even remember it! Don't tell anyone? I was fucking drunk, I didn't know what I was doing!"

"That's what you say," Szayel's eyes became sly slits, "but that's not what you were doing. Anyhow, I didn't do it only for fun. This was a part of my newest experiment." He came past Nnoitra, running his hand down the taller Espada's back, "and you, my friend, or shall I say, my lover, you are my subject."

"What did you do to me?" Nnoitra screamed, jumping to his feet. He didn't try to threaten him like he did with Gin; Nnoitra was suspicious that, if he punched the octavo, his hand would turn to goo because some strange acid Szayel had on him. Besides, Nnoitra was almost afraid of Szayel; he might not be strong, but he was creepy as shit.

"Hm," Szayel strolled away, obviously not frightened in the slightest bit, "I don't think I shall tell you at this point. Now run along, Jiruga, I have important business to attend to."

"Don't give me that!" Nnoitra flailed his long, skinny arms, confused on whether to punch the man, or to run from him, "what the fuck did you do to me?"

"You'll find out soon enough," Szayel smiled bemusedly, "however, I do advise you tell Aizen-sama about our little...adventure from last night. In fact, he already knows. Please go and tell him that it was a success. You will be surprised; you might have to ask him for some time off."

Nnoitra roared, shoving his hands back into his hakama, and stomped off to the throne room; who knew, maybe Aizen would tell him more than the pink-haired pansy. I hate you, you little...er...you traitor, Nnoitra through angrily at his crotch area as he hurried through the winding hallways, you'd jump for anything with a hole...I'm never boozing with Gin again...he probably put something in that sake and planned this all...He entered the throne room in a storm, throwing a dozing Starrk out of the way to stand right in front of Aizen. The leader looked down on him, slightly leaning on the arm of his throne, smiling as if he were amused with Nnoitra's anger.

"Good morning, my dear Nnoitra," he mused, "I trust you had fun last night with my advisor, Gin? And it seems you graced Szayel's bed sheets, as well."

Nnoitra gritted his teeth as to not spurt something he would regret, "Aizen-sama...Szayel wouldn't tell me what he did to me."

"Ah, yes," Aizen's gaze did not shift from Nnoitra's tall frame, "and you wish for me to tell you?"

"Uh, yeah, that'd be good." He put his hands on his hips, trying to keep the image of pink hair spread on black pillows out of his mind.

"It is my understanding," Aizen said, rising to his feet and coming up to the Espada, and though he towered over his leader, Aizen never lost his superiority, "that you and Szayel were together last night in your bedroom."

"Apparently." Nnoitra could feel his face go hot.

"I trust you are familiar with Fornicaras' abilities?" Aizen smiled as if something was very funny, "it wasn't too long ago that Szayel came to me and asked me for permission for a new experiment; a study on a live subject to see if Fornicaras can impregnate genders, and the period in which this gestation can endure. I approved of the experiment and gave him my permission to test it."

"...What?"

"Aizen-sama!" Gin burst into the throne room, waving to his master like an excited child, carefully stepping over Starrk where he was passed out on the floor, "oh, I see Nnoitra has already found you."

"Why the hell are you here?" Nnoitra fumed, "this is a private conversation between me and Aizen-sama!"

"Aizen-sama and I," Gin corrected, strolling over to Aizen's side, "and I wanted to see your face when he told you what Szayel did to you!"

"I'm afraid you missed that opportunity," Aizen said, "I already told him what will become of him."

"No way!" Gin cried, his smile twitching at the corners of his mouth "I didn' hear no screaming!"

"What?" Nnoitra fumed, still not comprehending, "what does Fornicaras do? He's all, like, a sex jelly fish, right?"

"Szayel can implant his seed into a woman and reproduce himself, as a last-ditch effort to save himself in a battle, when his original body is injured beyond repair," Aizen said, strolling down the long throne room, his sandals clicking on the tile floor, "therefore, he wanted to test if he can do this in a male, as well, and if he can prolong the pregnancy to nine months. He chose you as his subject for this experiment."

"So basically, he knocked you up!" Gin wailed, bursting into laughter. It took a moment for it to sink in, but once Nnoitra realized his fate, he screamed and ran, arms flailing, back to Szayel's laboratory. Fuck! this can't be real! He screamed in his head, this can't be real, this can't be real! Wake up, Jiruga, wake up! He sped down the white-walled halls uttering various swear words, his stomach churning.

By the time he made it back to Szayel's laboratory, his raven-black hair was frazzled, and his lanky frame was heaving in rage and exasperation. Szayel had migrated back to his spot at the work bench, now studying a light green liquid with the words 'Nel Tu' scribbled on the side in black sharpie. He looked up from his work and smiled cunningly at Nnoitra.

"Oh, you're back?"

"You!" Nnoitra screamed, stumbling through the lab at Szayel. It was no use; before he could even remotely reach the scientist, fifty of his fraccion had come to restrain the giant. Nnoitra roared with rage, glaring down at Szayel with his one good eye.

"Now, now, Nnoitra, that can't be good for the baby." He smiled, which just made Nnoitra rage more.

"Baby? You are sick! You're fucking insane!"

"Thank you," Szayel said, "did Aizen tell you about this?"

"Yes," Nnoitra fumed, "you got me pregnant! How? As far as I was concerned, it's only the chicks that can have babies!"

"Well," Szayel came in front of the workbench, waving his fraccion away, and leaning against the table with one hand on his hip, "to put it in layman's terms, which we all know you need...last night you were absurdly drunk. I had been working on this experiment for a while, making an egg that would transport my DNA into you, and somehow survive such a harsh environment past conception-"

"Okay, less graphic," Nnoitra moaned. Szayel sighed.

"Hm. Anyways, I took your doll last night and moved a few things around, and added a few things as well, all before-hand without you so much as noticing. You are a numb person, aren't you, Jiruga? Then, when you were stumbling around last night with Ichimaru, it took very little...seduction to get myself into your bedroom."

Nnoitra was holding his head in his hands, "shit."

"We did the deed, and I implanted myself into you," Szayel waved his hand in a frill, "don't be so mad, Nnoitra, the baby is yours as well. This is what I created; you fertilized the egg, but I implanted it inside you! In nine months time, you'll have produced a baby, unlike normally, this baby will be baby sized, and not come exploding out of you like normal," he winked, "I might need you again sometime."

"Why...why didn't you implant it in yourself if all you needed was for me to fertilize it?" Nnoitra was disgusted with himself to even be thinking of it.

"I have important research to do," Szayel said, "this is merely a side project. I can't be walking around all bloated and fat when I'm supposed to be working!"

"I work too! I fight!" Nnoitra cried, "like a man!"

"You don't even carry around your sword." Szayel said flatly.

"At least I have a weapon!"

"I have a weapon as well, you saw it last night!"

"Augh!" Nnoitra flailed his arms into the air and stormed out, "you're a fucking maniac!"

"It's just the hormones talking!" Szayel called after him, "and if you get nauseous, don't worry, it's normal!"