Chapter 5: Decisions
Title: Hidden Thoughts
Pen Name: Nisa Cullen
Rating: M for sexual situations and Jasper's dirty mouth!
Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer created these characters, this is her playground, these are her toys, and I just like pretty boys who like boys.
Warning: This story contains sexual content of both the hetro and slash varieties. Slash means men having sex with men. If you don't like, don't read, no problem!
A/N: I am thrilled by the response to the last chapter of this story! It's amazing that every time I hold my breath and press the publish button over a 150 of you get a message in your inbox! I want to say a special thank you to every one of you who have read, reviewed, alerted, added to favorites and PM'd!
Hugs and thank you to my wonderful beta, mama23keiki, who encourages me to write, fixes my punctuations, is all around awesome and did the beta on this while sick!
This chapter is dedicated to my friend, Jazzy, who bravely came out in a less than ideal setting and was my inspiration for this chapter.
Sorry for the delay with this chapter. Let's just say some people can hand-write things and type them later. I am not one of those people. But you get a double length chapter this time. Alright, enough with my rambling, let's get on with the show!
"Jasper, would you like to come to my place?" I asked.
After a long pause he replied, "I don't know if I'm ready for that."
I immediately regretted my choice of words. "Jasper, that's not what I meant. I meant…would you like to talk somewhere a bit more private than here?" I stated, motioning to the now filling bar. "I live right across the street." I said, hoping I was putting him at ease.
After looking around, taking in our surroundings and then glancing back at me, he seemed so unsure.
"It's no big deal, maybe another time?" I responded, trying to backpedal a bit from my invitation while throwing some cash for both our tabs on the bar, plus a nice tip for Amy.
Jasper said nothing as I turned back around and motioned to the door. As soon as we stepped outside, I took a deep breath and turned to Jasper, not sure exactly what I was going to say.
"So— do you have any Jack at your place?" he asked.
"Of course," I said with a smile.
"Let's go," Jasper said, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
I turned and lead Jasper down the street to my apartment so we could talk and maybe I could figure something's out.
I could feel him walking a little behind me as we made the brief journey to my apartment. I looked both ways as we crossed the street, heading to my walk up. I was nervous—really nervous. I mean, ever since the movie theatre, I have been thinking about Jasper. For me to have run into him outside my home of all places had to be a sign and for him to say he feels some sort of attraction to me as well—I was pleasantly surprised. I mean, I thought that he was checking me out a little, but I really didn't think we'd be here about to talk about it. It kinda freaks me out a bit to be here with a guy and talking about attraction, but when I look at Jasper, something about him just draws me in so I have to try.
"This is me," I said, motioning to my brownstone.
"An End-unit? Nice!" he said with a smile. He has such a beautiful smile; it lights up his entire face.
"Yeah, I lucked out finding an end unit that was already sound proof which was a must have for me," I said while unlocking the door.
I heard his sharp intake of breath as I opened the door and motioned for him to follow me in. Jasper was studiously looking anywhere except at me which made me wonder what caused the sudden change in his demeanor.
As Jasper entered, I tried my damndest not to check him out as he walked past me, but I couldn't help it. His dirty blonde hair fell in soft waves and curls; jaw sharp; nose perfect; and—oh my God—his lips were such a lovely shade of pale pink. It took all of my restraint not to reach out and touch them to see if they were as soft as they looked.
So much for not checking him out.
Leading Jasper through the house, I started with the living room and then briefly showed him the music room.
"Oh…you play?" he asked, gesturing to my piano.
"Umm, yeah, I love to play. I started taking lessons when I was six. Music was my first love. Grace was the first present I bought for myself when I landed a major account, and she's my pride and joy," I shared while running my fingers along the ivory keys.
"Grace?" he asked.
"Oh yeah, sorry about that, Grace is what I call my Steinway. She's top of the line and really keeps me going. Do you play?" I asked.
"No, not piano, but I do play a little guitar every now and then," he said, looking around the room. Wow, a music lover too? We have so much in common.
"Well Grace here is why I had to have a soundproof home," I said "Neighbors seriously get pretty ticked if you are playing Bach at 2 am when everyone else is trying to sleep," I added with a shrug.
"OHHH, now it makes sense," he said as if he just figured something out.
"What does?" I asked.
"When you said sound proofing, I thought you meant—I mean you could have meant—I mean…" he stuttered as he began to blush.
I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning as he looked at me shyly through his lashes with that blush covering his cheeks.
Not sure of what to say and not wanting to push him against Grace and show him a host of other reasons to have a soundproof home, I just turned to walk out of the room and continued the tour. I stopped to point out that the bedrooms and my home office were up the stairs. Part of me wanted to take him upstairs but I was a bit afraid of how he would react being that close to my bedroom. So I thought I would keep it neutral as I led him into my kitchen for our final stop.
I proceeded to open the cabinet and pull out two glasses and a bottle a whiskey. "Jack Daniels, right?" I asked.
"Yep, Jack's always been there for me in good times and in bad," he mused with a soft chuckle.
I couldn't help but to smile back at him with that statement. But then I felt my smile falter a bit when I thought back to his words. I wonder if he thought this was a good time or a bad one. Does he regret being attracted to me? I mean, he didn't seem to be in the bar, but now he seems a little unsure. He refuses to look at me and his eyes keep darting around the room as if I am making him nervous.
"Jasper, relax," I said, handing him a drink before motioning to the sofa so we could have a seat.
He followed me but sat as far as possible from me on the couch.
We said in unison.
We both laughed nervously.
I took a sip of my drink and was grateful when he broke the awkward silence.
"Edward, listen...I have no idea what I am doing here. I have been a bit lost and confused since we met. I really don't know what all of this means," he said in a rush.
"Thank goodness! I have no idea either. I am just following the flow here."
While I hate seeing Jasper so distressed, seeing that he was just as nervous as me made me feel so much better.
"Edward, this is awkward. I have been in my head too much and honestly, I have been dying to say this, but…I think I'm attracted to you. There's just something about you that draws me in and I have never felt like this before. I know I started to ask at the bar, but do you know what I am talking about? Do you feel something too?" he said, motioning between us.
I leaned back into the sofa, stretching out a bit, and decided it was time to come clean.
"Well, I may have found myself looking a time or two at a guy but I've never acted on it, and I never wanted to until I met you. I mean, you are funny, smart, and we have so much in common. I have only been with women my entire life but I believe part of being attracted to someone is more than just gender. So no, I haven't felt this way before." I said, reaching out and placing my hand upon his as it lay on the sofa.
When our skin touched, I felt that tingle travel through my body again and I chanced a look at Jasper whose breathing had become heavier. Sliding closer to him on the couch, I began drawing patterns on his skin, feeling the texture of his fingers under mine.
Seeing his reaction to me made me feel much more confident that I wouldn't make a fool of myself here.
"Jasper, I am not sure we can help who we are attracted to, but I know I am attracted to you. I don't see how attraction can be wrong even if someone else wants to label it as being straight, bi, gay or whatever—it doesn't matter. All I know is I am attracted to you."
At that moment, we locked eyes and I could see his indecision, his uncertainty. But as his tongue peeked out between those beautiful, pale pink lips, I knew that I had to kiss him. I had to find out if his lips were as soft as they looked.
Looking him in the eye, I leaned in slowly until I could feel his breath upon my skin. "Jasper," I whispered as my eyes fluttered closed. I leaned in closer and right when I thought our lips would touch, he quickly turned his head and I placed a kiss on his cheek instead. I pulled back confused.
"Jasper?" I said, wondering what happened; if I had misread the signs.
"Edward, I—I…have to go," he said while jumping up off the couch, heading toward the front door.
I just sat there in shock, not sure what the hell to say, as he walked out the door without another word.
I sat there staring at the door after Jasper left—just staring and waiting. I didn't know what to do, or to think, or to expect. Part of me was hoping that he would walk back in at any minute and tell me that he was sorry for walking out and want to talk to me. Part of me was worried that I moved too fast. Even part of me was worried—really worried—about what he would do next.
After sitting for what seemed like hours going over my day, our time at the park, the conversation, and the tour of my home; thinking about ever moment and wondering what Jasper was thinking. When I reflected on our conversation, I started to pick up on things that I really didn't think much of before.
I don't know what I am doing here.
I have been a bit lost and confused since we met.
I really don't know what all of this means.
I realized then my biggest mistake, I assumed Jasper was where I am. Granted he said he was attracted to me, but he didn't know what it meant and let's face it, I have held thoughts for years and this is nerve wracking for me, no wonder he ran out the door. With that thought I decided to take a long shower and head to bed.
The next morning, I woke up and my first thought was of Jasper. Would he call? Would he come by? Is he ok? Will he want to speak to me again?
I honestly had no idea what he was thinking.
After making myself some breakfast, I was washing dishes when my cell phone began to ring. I had given Jasper my number at the bar before everything got weird so I hoped that he would call. After nearly tripping four times getting out of the kitchen to the couch, I dove for the phone in anticipation and when I saw the name on the screen my face fell—Bella.
Yeah, I need to figure out what to do about her.
As I began walking back to my car, the panic set in. What have I gotten myself into? Granted I knew I had been thinking about Edward and trying to figure out what was going on between us but being there—with him, alone in his house—it was too much too soon!
What the actual fuck! He not only felt the same way but he seemed so confident. I can't help but to think about what going down this path would mean. Am I ready to be with a man? I mean, actually be with? In a relationship? What about Alice? What would she say? What can I do?
The panic became too much and that's why despite my body screaming at me to give in to Edward and to kiss him and see where this—this whatever— went, my mind had a bullhorn and a siren saying 'NO'.
Everything was so new and I was confused and now I had a totally different set of questions –gay, straight, bi?
What am I? I haven't been checking out guys for years like Edward. I have been with women and not to toot my own horn, but many women and I honestly loved it. Am I ready to give that up for something unknown? I don't even know if I am attracted to guys or if it's just Edward. If it's just Edward I'm attracted to, I don't have to label it…right? I can be straight with a side of him? Is that a category?
Feeling more confused than ever, I climbed into bed in my apartment and tried to shut the world out, hoping in the morning answers would find me.
The next day I awoke and the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and as I looked out of my bedroom window, everything in the world looked just as it was before despite the major turmoil going on in my life.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't look any different. Despite looking the same, I couldn't help but to believe that I wasn't the same. I had told a man last night that I was attracted to him and I almost let him kiss me!
Fuck! Figure this out, Whitlock. You need to figure out this attraction thing. It is just so difficult and disturbing to be so unsure. This uncertainty is such bullshit—I'm not some 13-year-old popping wood for the first time trying to figure things out. I mean, shouldn't I have went through this soul searching back then?
Right in the middle of my angry tirade my cell started ringing. I silenced it without looking at the screen and slipped the battery out.
After ignoring my phone for the remainder of the weekend and spending far too much time watching crap TV, I realized that I couldn't hide any longer. My weekend showed me that admitting I am attracted to Edward was just as bad as trying to figure out if I was attracted to him, if not worse. I knew I couldn't avoid her any longer – I needed to talk to Alice.
I took a deep breath, steeling myself for her voice, and I was completely unsurprised when she picked up on the first ring. I invited Alice to meet me at Tanqueria Del Sol, a Mexican restaurant near her place. Ali loved margaritas and honestly, I hoped that tequila would make this conversation go easier.
I arrived 30 minutes early to get a seat in the most private area of the patio and began to prepare myself for Alice.
All right Whitlock, you've done well. A good public place—she's less likely to make a scene in a public place—at least I hope she won't make a scene in a public place. Ok, maybe I should look into taking her back to my place for this conversation. No, she could silently beat me to death there and I doubt my neighbors would notice. Ok, yeah—this place is fine. I'll just move the knives to my side of the table and hope I'm quick enough to keep them from her.
"Hey, Jasper!" Alice said, catching me off guard.
"Ali, hey," I said, pulling out her chair.
Damn it, why did she have to be early? I wasn't ready for her to show up yet! Get a grip Whitlock. Honestly, when will you ever be ready for this conversation?
"Jasper, I'm so glad you called! I didn't hear from you all weekend! You look tired? Are you not sleeping well? Are you ok? Oh look, there's tequila of the day!" Alice rapid fired off at me without so much as a breath between questions.
"Alice, I— we…need to talk," I finally said.
"What's with the heavy, Jasper?" Alice said, looking at me with nothing but concern.
"Alice, something happened and it's just eating me up inside," I said in a low voice, unable to maintain eye contact.
"Something happened? What do you mean something happened? What did you do?" she rapidly fired off before pausing to eye me warily.
"Alice, it's not like that. I mean, it could—ok listen, this is—I can't believe I am going to say this but if I don't get this out now I don't know if I ever will," I finally said, finding my voice.
"Ok Jasper, what is it?" she replied calmly.
"Just promise me you won't hate me too much…okay?" I pleaded.
"Jasper, you are scaring me here. Just tell me!" she said in a voice that made me have to look her in the face.
"Ok, first of all, nothing happened. It's just that I have been having these thoughts and I really didn't think much of them at first." Ok, that's a half lie. "I have recently found myself attracted to someone and I am so torn up over this. I was shocked to find myself attracted to this person. I didn't mean for this to happen. But after a lot of self searching, I realized that I can't help who I am attracted to. But it's confusing because I am still attracted to you. You know I find you beautiful, but please know I didn't act on it. I couldn't do that to you," I said while keeping my eyes glued to the condensation on my glass of water.
After a moment of silence, I was startled by her laughter.
"Jasper, my goodness," she said between laughs while hitting my arm.
Ok, that's not the reaction I was hoping for but at least she's not stabbing me or anything.
"You had me scared! Ok, you found someone attractive—big deal! Jeez, I didn't realize I was so good that you stopping looking, but I'll take it," she said with a laugh.
I thought she would be upset but she seems to be ok with this? Did I say it right?
The waiter chose that moment to show up and Alice ordered a margarita with a side car while I decided to stick to water.
"I thought you'd be pissed," I finally said after we placed our food order.
"Nothing happened, right?" she asked.
"No, nothing—I swear. I couldn't do that to you. It wouldn't be right," I replied and honestly, it really wouldn't be right.
The waiter returned with Alice's drink and she took her shot. She eyed me as if she was searching my face for something. I started to worry. But before I could freak out, she took a sip of her margarita and launched into a play-by-play of her weekend.
Everything felt normal—almost.
Whitlock, you didn't lie to her but you didn't tell her the whole truth either. Okay, perhaps I didn't volunteer details but then again she didn't ask. And if they don't ask, you don't have to tell. That's how that policy works, right? Ok maybe I could have volunteered the information but she seems fine that nothing happened and since nothing happened, does gender matter?
Right then while Alice was recapping her adventures at the opening of some new boutique, I started really wondering if gender mattered. Edward was right…you can't really help being attracted to someone. Alice had pretty much said the same thing. It happens – you see someone and you either find them attractive or not.
As Alice continued talking, I started to look around the restaurant at the other patrons. And I really took the time to look, taking in the features and trying to assess my interest—nothing caught my eye.
Not the blonde boy with the All-American boy next door look; or the guy with him that was sporting a Jersey Shore tan; not the big muscled guy at the bar; not the overly skinny waiter.
Hmm…Ok Whitlock, maybe it's just him—maybe it's just Edward. So that means you don't have to go throwing around titles and labels if it's just Edward. Damn, the thought of his name just made my cock twitch.
Alice talked for another hour or at least through a pitcher of margaritas. I steadfastly avoided them because tequila + Jasper = truth serum. Since Alice was sufficiently buzzed and perhaps a good bit tipsy, I walked her to her place where she reminded me of a gallery opening on Saturday that I had committed to attending. I agreed to still go and with a brief goodbye kiss, I left Alice and decided to stroll through the park and take some time to clear my head.
Just as I did in the restaurant, I started looking at the people in the park and really noticed them. As I was watching a little boy arrange toy soldiers into a quite impressive 'Assembly Point' battle formation, I saw him.
I immediately knew I had never seen him before. He was about equal to my six feet and he was jogging shirtless. He had close-cut hair, a strong nose, and these fucking delicious looking pink lips. His bare chest was hairless and his dark nipples were hard. His abs were rock solid and his tiny belly button had me entranced as his abs flexed while he jogged, ear phones in and ignoring the world. I couldn't help but to notice how his toned legs moved with each step, his red basketball shorts hanging dangerously low on his hips, highlighting his black boxer briefs beneath them. As he turned the curve, I was complete entranced by his back and its shape and how it glistened slightly in the sun.
I wonder what his back muscles would feel like under my fingertips.
It's not just Edward.
Fuck, I think I'm bi!
A/N2: Reviews are just as good as mystery guys jogging in basketball shorts—hmmm shorts. Ok, great. I got sidetracked. What was I saying? Oh yeah, please review…it just takes a minute or only 5 seconds to say WOOOOOOOOO! All reviewers get a preview of the next chapter!
For those of you who are like, "Hell woman, I need more boy love!" check out my new O/S, 'A Good Idea'—yeah, umm…it's honestly just pure smut, but that should hold you over 'til the next update which is already in progress.