Sam and Dean's Most Marvelous Fangirl Adventure
(An Epic Saga of Sam, Dean, and Fangirls)
Chapter Two: The Girl Who Reviews
It takes approximately forty-five minutes for Dean to ask if they can shoot her, yet.
"Can we shoot her, yet?" he asks, raising his voice to be heard over Metallica and Samantha Lovington.
"No, Dean," Sam sighs. "We can't shoot her. She's just a kid."
Sam wants to shoot her, too. Dean can tell. And she's not really a kid. She's probably about twenty, maybe nineteen, which, yeah...kid. But not kid kid. Not growing-limbs-asking-Mom-for-peanut-butter-and-jelly-watching-Nickelodeon kid. Well, maybe Nickelodeon. Dean still watches Nickelodeon. Sometimes. And Dean, as you must know, is often shot.
Take note: getting shot hurts, but it never hurts bad enough for Dean to collapse into a childish, sobbing mess in Sam's arms.
They try to drown her out with music. Even Sam, who hates Dean's penchant for all things loud and obnoxious, reaches for the knob and takes it up a notch, because she won't stop talking.
"omg" she says, over and over again. "omg sam and dean are in the impala and dean drives really fast lol i wonder if the police will come after us soon i hope not that would be really bad dean has a criminal record and he drives with the music really loud OMG SAM IS SO HOT and dean is laughing really hard looooooooool looooooooool omg sam just hit dean-"
"Dude, don't hit me!"
"Well, stop laughing at me! What is she even doing?"
Dean turns the volume down. He knows exactly what she's doing, even though he doesn't know why she's doing it. He doesn't know why she's bothering.
"She's reviewing us," he says, raising his voice just enough to be heard over the sound of Samantha's blabbering.
"She-" Sam stops, looks as if his mind has been blown for just that second. "She's...reviewing us?"
"Yeah, you heard me. She's reviewing us."
It takes Sam a few more moments, looking between the blabbering girl - "-and now sam's looking back at me lol i wonder what he smells like i want to smell him-" and his brother, "oh no omg now hes looking at dean he loves his brother so much sam is so kind and good lmao"
"She's not reviewing us, Dean," he finally says. "She's just narrating everything we're doing with some opinions and disturbing desires interspersed here and there."
"Yeah, I know. That's how she reviews."
Dean knows this. Sometimes when he's bored, he doesn't even read the stories. He just reads the reviews. And Samantha Lovington's reviews? They're some of his favorites to be honest.
Here is an example of such a review:
omg i can't believe sam was such an a**hole and dean tried to kill himself how could he tell dean to go to hell like that dean has been to hell he went to hell for 40 years and he was tortured by alastair omg sam im really mad at you you discust me but im so glad he came back and saved dean before it was to late and it was really cute when sam held dean in his arms and told him he loved him lol update soon
And so on.
"Well, that's not helpful at all," Sam says. He turns around just enough to glance at their passenger. "Samantha, that's not helpful at all."
"omg sams talking to me hes so hot i hope he drowns-"
"Just let her finish, man."
"-so dean can resuscitate him omg that would be so adorable i hope he gets a fever lol and dean can take his temp and take care of him until hes better omg update soon"
"Who is she telling to 'update soon,' exactly?"
"Don't worry about it."
Sam doesn't worry about it. Or he might, but he tries not to show it, just huffs in that Sammy Sam way of his and shakes his head a little before looking out the window.
"sam huffed and dean rolled his eyes and now theyre not talking lol"
They continue not to talk. If they don't do anything but sit and drive and look she has nothing to narrate, or review, or whatever it is she's doing.
The sun's setting when they stop for dinner. They don't go inside, though, for fear that Samantha Lovington will repeat their orders back in grammatically incorrect sentences without pauses to the waitress and narrate their food consumption bite by bite.
So Sam goes in by himself and comes out with two tuna sandwiches one with extra onions, one large fry, one house salad, and one adult-sized portion of alphabet-shaped macaroni and cheese.
"Seriously?" Dean asks him, while the girl is too busy chowing down to repeat their actions.
Sam shrugs. "It might be educational. How far are we from Bobby's?"
They're about half a day away from Bobby's. A little downtime won't go amiss and it will provide ample time for Sam to study this remarkable new creature they just stumbled upon.
...Or so they think.