Rock-em Sock-em Robots: My first Crack Fic

Dr. Horrible is out again. I have my red jacket on and it hugs my body tightly as I stand before Bad Horse and the rest of the ELE. The League and I are going over our newest "battle plans". We split up into teams and of course, it's Dead Bowie that clings to my side. He tries desperately to stay calm, I think. But this frantic look in his eyes betrays him up right. He has been attached to me since I joined the League and it is really hard to plot world domination with some crack-pot fanatic following you around.

I force a smile as he moves over to me with his own enormous grin. I can't help but think, damn that is a lot of make-up. I don't even realize that I'm sitting here shaking my head. A letter springs up between the two of us; Bowie is holding it out to me to take.

Grabbing it, we're dismissed and everyone begins to file out. Bad Horse, of course, takes his exit out of the back door and goes into his personal office. The letter I pull from the envelope is in Fake Jefferson's writing- he does all of Bad Horse's paperwork. Well, he and his henchmen. The scrawling writing is very precise, very objective. Dead Bowie and I are to use my Transmatter Ray and get the gold statue being moved into the museum down town. Well, that seems simple enough except for the fact that Dead Bowie is to work with me.

Wading up the paper and sticking it in my pocket, I move from the room with an unfortunately lively Bowie following behind me. He will have to invade my lab-space again and this time with my permission but certainly not my contentment. "Bowie, before we up to my lab, let's get one thing straight," I say as I turn around to peg him with a hard look. The long red coat, tight black gloves and goggles really help boost my confidence. There's something about a villain's uniform that makes him or her feel…invincible. "You. Touch. Nothing."

I turn around before Bowie can argue. I am not looking to argue; I just want him to pay attention and respect my wishes for once. I hear him start to pipe up and I hold up a hand, pointer finger straight upward, cutting off his thoughts.

Sitting down in my lab, it doesn't take us long to pull everything together. Mostly, it is waiting for the perfect time to commit the crime that takes the longest. So the wait is obviously a pain in the rear end, especially with someone like Bowie around, touching everything.

"Please put that down, Bowie. It-it's dangerous, okay," I plead, blinking hard a few times as I watch him put his glittery hands all over the Death Ray I fixed up. It was the tool of my entry to the ELE so of course, it had to be replicated and with more stable elements, I might add.

Bowie shrugs and practically tosses it onto the stand I had it sitting on. At least it is out of his hands. My mouth twitches up in a grimace and I blink hard again. This was fast becoming a plaguing affect Dead Bowie had on me. Checking my watch drags a sigh from me. Nearly time. Then I could get rid of the man following me around.

The alarm on my watch goes off, beeping off an odd melody of tones and it shocks me from my thoughts. "You ready?" I ask Bowie, hitting the 'off' button on my watch.

"Oh yeah, let's do this," he says and a large smile creeps across his face.

If he ruins this, if he ruins my place with the ELE, he will be my second murder and this one, this one I will enjoy.

I grab the Transmatter Ray and head for the door. I know he is following me. He always follows me. The infiltration to the Museum is rather easy. Ever since Captain Hammer retreated to some therapist's office, the reign of the city was passed over to the ELE. We've actually been pretty good at keeping other villains down. Just another crime we partake in, the monopolization of crime. It's rather a funny thought.

Standing in the middle of the backroom where the statue is kept, Bowie and I look around. There isn't anyone else in here at the moment. We had left the museum's curator and his two lovely female's assistants frozen in the main lobby. Frozen courtesy Dead Bowie's Freeze Beam. So yeah, they were literally frozen. Not my style normally but I had to let him have some say on something in this, didn't I?

I take aim at the statue, the coordinates of my lab in the ELE already programmed. The platform on the other side is set and ready to accept the statue. This couldn't be any more perfect if I asked politely. I flick the 'on' switch and the Transmatter Ray hums to life in my hands. I smile.

Captain Horrible appears before me, in that stupid navy blue shirt with the hammer on the front of it. I cringe in time for his foot to kick the Transmatter Ray out of my hands. At least this time it wasn't his fist in my face. Or a car.

I hear it clatter away from me and I turn to look at it. Dead Bowie is frozen with his mouth hanging open in shock. He's useful…isn't he? The next thing I know, I am pinned to the wall by Captain Hammer's hand. He's holding my jacket and leaning in with a dark smile. He looks like him old self.

"Nice to see you again, Doctor." He smiles wider. I groan and roll my eyes. "What's the matter, didn't expect to see me again?" His laugh is creepy, I have to give him credit for that.

I shake my head. "No, not really. I thought you were busy weeping on the couch," I mutter under my breath. I don't want to insult him too loud since I am the one pinned to the wall.

I don't notice it until it's too late. Bowie is taking aim at Captain Hammer's back with the blasted Transmatter Ray. "No!" I yell out as he flips the switch to hit Hammer. The corporate tool turns slightly, exposing us both to the Transmatter Ray and sending us to the platform in my lab. The trip scrambles my thoughts, my orientation and my stomach.

Falling backwards, I decide sitting is probably the best thing for now. The next thought is, thank goodness I got the kinks worked out of that damned thing or I would be smelling like cumin and sitting in a plastic bag looking like soup.

"Dr. Horrible…" Hammer's voice sounds from beside me and he doesn't sound good.

"Please don't throw up on my floor," I say and look over at him. "Oh…oh, I- you, well I…" Panic is now running through my veins in cold bursts.

I am looking at me. He is looking at himself. Our bodies are…switched.

"How does this even work…?" Captain Hammer/myself asked. It was his voice, his thoughts and his idiotic mannerisms all in my body.

I raise his/my eyebrow and look down at the body I'm inhabiting. "I guess there are souls. This is, um, quite the discovery." I blink hard and lift up my arms looking at them. In this body I'm much bigger than I am used to. My balance and coordination is off, as if I needed it to be more so than it already was.

"I can't stay in this body! Look how small I am!" Captain Hammer was crying.

I rolled my eyes again and used the edge of my computer desk to pull myself upright. "Yeah, well crying about it isn't going to help." I have a sudden thought. If I could reverse it, or hit us again…my hands move over the computer desk, searching for the cell phone I need to call Bowie to get back here. Hopefully he'd first beam the statue here. Dialing his number it starts ringing and the statue came with a burst of light onto the platform. Dead Bowie answers fairly quickly, you know, just before it hit voicemail.

"Dr., are you alright?" he asks upon answering.

"No Bowie, now get back to the Lab, please." I think my voice sounds more pleading than I meant for it to be. That twitch is also back. I hang up the phone when I hear him sputtering questions and concerns. Yes, he is most definitely next on my murder list.

I was pacing. I hadn't paced since before Pe- um, when Pen- Captain Hammer had ruined my plans and met me in "Billy form" at the Laundromat. I had done a lot of pacing that week. Now, it was partially because I could regain some semblance of balance with practice and because it did help me to think. The chair. I look over at it and it suddenly looks good. I walk over to it and sink into the cushy depths of it. This chair was the one thing I will never give up, despite its weird color pattern. That pattern gave the chair personality.

The lab door swings open a few minutes later and I jump nearly out of the chair. Dead Bowie is there, aiming the Freeze Beam and Transmatter Ray at me. Of course, he was thinking I was Captain Hammer.

"No, wait!" I say and push myself out of the chair. "It's me, that Ray you hit us with switched-" He hits me with that stupid Freeze Beam. I am at the nearly perfect angle to see him walk over towards Captain Hammer/me and ask how I'm doing.

"What should we do with him, Doctor?" he asks Captain Hammer.

The smile on my face is familiar and yet all Captain Hammer. "Oh, Bowie, that's not me you just froze, that's the good Doctor."

Bowie stares at him for a moment, trying to figure out what was just said. I can see the calculations adding up in his head. It's slow, painful, like…like watching someone tie a string to a lose tooth and plucking up the courage to pull the thing. "You sound a lot like that Hammer guy, Doctor."

Man, he makes Captain Hammer look like an evil genius. I want to roll my eyes so bad. Maybe it is a good thing I am frozen. I might strain my eyes by rolling them too much.

Captain Hammer grabs a hold of Bowie's shoulders and shakes him. Who knew I had such strength! Ha. "Listen, Dead Bowie, I need you to unfreeze him and hit us with that, body swapper…thing…again."

It was actually starting to get hard to breath in this ice casing thing. I sit hoping that Bowie will just listen to him and get us back to the bodies we belong in. I watch as he miraculously picks up the Freeze Beam and aims it at me again. The ice breaks away and I'm able to take in a deep breath. Stumbling forward in my now larger body, I barely keep my balance. "Thanks, idiot," I mumble and brush off the ice.

"So…we just hit you guys with this again?" Bowie holds up the Transmatter Ray, swinging it around like it wasn't something that could ruin a lot of things, like say, my life.

I snatch it from him and flip the safety switch on. "Yeah, but you have to hit both of us at the same time, I'm assuming so be careful before you hit something else with it!"Shoving it back into his hands I reluctantly walk over to stand next Captain Hammer.

"Is this the safety?" Dead Bowie asks flipping a little lever back and forth. Fortunately it was.

"Yeah, leave it right there," I say quickly when he turns the safety off. "Now hit us."

Bowie's head snaps up and he looks at me with disbelief in his eyes. "I'm not supposed to hit you, you're on my side! Plus, if I hit him, you'll hurt once you get your body back…"

Captain Hammer coughs annoyed, the voice following sounds odd coming from my body. "With the Trans-a-ma-jigger."

"Oh!" Bowie laughs and aims it at us, firing it off without a warning.

Another trip down head-turning-stomach-churning particle mix up has me hating this place and the decision to join them.

I get up and look down. My body. My red jacket. It was all me again. I sigh and sag back into my computer chair getting reacquainted with my body. That is so weird. I shake my head and flip on my computer camera, needing to get this all out on a Blog to sort my thoughts.

"So…this week hasn't gone so well. I um, Bowie and now Hammer are in my lab." I look back at the two who are watching me questioningly. "I wish they'd leave."

"The League will get mad if they see him here," Bowie says and I blink hard.

I grit my teeth and think a moment. "Just, keep him occupied here until tonight when we can get him out." I turn back to the camera with a look of complete and utter exhaustion. "All of my talent is being sucked dry here. I guess we at least got the statue…" I look over at it and see Hammer and Bowie digging through drawers.

"Whoa! Okay, here," I say and get up walking over towards them. "Here is a deck of cards. Sit over there by the coffee table and don't touch anything, alright?"

Hammer looks at me and wraps an arm around my neck. "Oh Billy Buddy, don't be so touchy." He runs his fist over the top of my head, rather painfully. "I'm your guest here aren't I? Try to be a touch hospitable."

Well good, he doesn't seem to care that he's stuck in the middle of the ELE, in my lab. He seems to be enjoying himself. Whatever. I'm starting to choke under his grip. It's hard to breathe so I grasp at his arm, tugging at it.

"Oh, sorry, here go back to your little computer site and chat about, whatever it is you talk about on there. I'll keep out of trouble." He pushed me towards my computer chair and snatches the cards from my hands. "Thanks," he grins and walks over to the coffee table, Bowie follows after him.

I sit back down and rub my head, trying to fix some of the fly away hair. "That's, I mean this whole thing is just-" I'm at a loss for words really. Glancing around, the statue catches my eye. "Right, gold statue. So, we retrieved it not quite according to plan. Apparently the Transmatter Ray is uh, working just fine. It also switches bodies…" My eyebrows furrow, mouth stands slightly agape, and left eye is twitching.

After a while into explaining the events of the stealing of the statue I hear silence. An odd eerie silence. Looking back at my large chair by the coffee table I see Hammer and Bowie curled up on it. They are both half asleep. I shake my head and turn off my camera. I walk over, intent on getting them up and out of here. I poke Hammer's shoulder only to get pulled down onto the chair with him and Bowie. I struggle of course, trying to fight my way out of Captain Hammer's strong grasp and Bowie's content snuggling on my shoulder.

"Let me go!" I gasp and was rewarded with a tighter squeeze. When I'm to the point of exhaustion I give up and sink into the chair. I've been up too long anyway. The chair is warm with two other bodies in it. I sink into sleep though I don't really want to. I can't help it.

There was an odd noise. It was a plastic-y clinking and laughs. There was laughter in my ELE Lab and it didn't even sound evil! What was this place? I try to drag myself awake. There is someone here and I need to get them out. They can't touch my things, if Bowie ruins anything, there'll be hell! Hell I say! My eyes snap open and there-

On my table off away from the lab things there are Dead Bowie and Captain Hammer playing with my Rock-em Sock-em Robots. Who said they could! I sit staring at them. What is a man supposed to do? I need to get them out. But they're not going to listen. They never listen. They're taking over the lab. Someone like Captain Hammer really shouldn't be here with my schematics and nefarious plots laid out all open everywhere. There was no way I was going to win this though. No way.

Getting up to my feet I walk over to them, watching Hammer and Bowie kicking the ever living shit out of each other through this little game. I am surprised they haven't broken it yet. "I call dibs on the winner," I say folding my arms over my chest.

I don't notice the top of my coat buttons are coming undone or that my hair is sticking up with my goggles out of place. I am not the normal me but maybe I can find a little happiness in a few games of Rock-em Sock-em Robots. It's not like I've smiled much since Penny passed. Maybe irony would prevail and I would find it with Captain Hammer, Dead Bowie, buried secretly in my ELE Lab.

Had I known my computer camera was now recording on my Blog, some plot set up by the two I was going to join in game, I would have been upset and not joined in. But I didn't know and I had fun.