A/N: This strange fic came into being whilst I was hyper. I do not own anything, and I do not mean to cause anyone offence (I shouldn't though.) On with the show:
Oliver is being looked after by these very nice people, who give him all he wants.
Orphan 1: I'm so full!
Widow Corney: Eat up, my precious, until you are nice and plump!
Orphan 2: Someone has to go and tell Mr. Bumble that we don't want anymore!
Orphans draw straws.
Oliver: Eek! I have to do it!
Oliver heads up to Mr. Bumble
Mr. Bumble: Ah – little Oliver! My favourite orphan in the entire world! *Hugs Oliver*
Oliver: Please sir, I don't want anymore!
Mr. Bumble: *gasps*
Widow Corney: *gasps*
Oliver is so mortified at having offended his kind hosts, he runs away to London. He is very tired when he gets there, so he sits on the doorstep of this big church.
Oliver: I am so tired! What I wouldn't give for Mr. Bumble's homemade sausage pie!
Suddenly this young priest leaves the church, and passes Oliver.
Oliver: Excuse me sir – I am so very tired, and I need a place to sleep.
Priest: Well anyone is welcome into the church! Come in, come in. My name is Jack Dawkins – more commonly known around here as The Artful Preacher, because I preach the word of God to everyone!
The Artful Preacher leads Oliver into the church, and introduces him to the bishop – Fagin.
Fagin: Why who do we have here?
Oliver: My name is Oliver Twist, sir.
Fagin: Here – you may sleep in my bed, and tomorrow you can go out with Preacher.
Oliver: Thank you sir!
During the night, the church is robbed by an evil villain called Nancy! Fagin is horrified, and runs to tell the Arch Bishop – Bill Sikes. Meanwhile, Oliver and Preacher go out into London.
Preacher: Alas! A poor person! Stay here Oliver, while I go and give them alms...*Hurries off*
Oliver: *experiences a strange urge to steal something* Eek! What am I to do? *Angst, angst*
Eventually, he gives into the urge, and steals a pocket handkerchief!
Mr. Brownlow: Agh! My precious handkerchief that was prophesised to be stolen once by my nephew or something... *Sees Oliver looking scared* Come home with me, my boy, and I will make you KING OF EGYPT!
They go home. Preacher has seen all of this, and runs to Fagin and Bill Sikes.
Fagin: What is wrong, Preacher? Where is Oliver?
Preacher: Oliver stole a handkerchief and got taken away by some strange gentleman who claimed to be his uncle or something!
Bill Sikes: *gasp* We must find the boy and cleanse him of his sins!
The next morning at the Brownlow house.
Mr. Brownlow: Did you have a good sleep, Oliver?
Mr. Brownlow: What would you like to do today?
Oliver: I want to run an errand for you – overcome obstacles, and defy death on the way!
Mr. Brownlow: Sounds fun! Here – take this package to the booksellers opposite the church.
Oliver runs to the booksellers and on the way back decides to pop into the church.
Oliver: Fagin? Preacher? It's me Oliver! I have had a change in fortune!
Fagin: *hurries forward* Oliver!
Bill Sikes: Quickly – let's cleanse him of his sins!
They do so.
Oliver: Um... Thanks?
Fagin: Do you want to stay for dinner?
Oliver: Sure – I don't think Mr. Brownlow would mind!
Fagin: Preacher! Get the sausages off the stove!
Preacher: Kay. *Does so*
While they eat, a crash is heard from upstairs.
Bill Sikes: It's Nancy! *Runs upstairs and finds her there*
Nancy: Why hello, Bill.
Bill: Nancy! You shouldn't be here! It's too dangerous!
Nancy: I love you Bill!
Bill: I love you too, but you can't keep stealing my stuff!
Nancy: Darnabbit. Hey Bill, do you have a little boy with you?
Bill: Yeah – Oliver Twist. We just cleansed him of his sins!
Nancy: You're such a good Arch Bishop.
Nancy: But you're going to have to choose between me and your job!
Nancy: Yes. I want to use Oliver to break into a house.
Nancy: Then we cannot be married.
Bill: Darnabbit. This leaves me in a dilemma. *Angst, angst*
Nancy: Make up your mind Bill!
Bill: I won't do it!
Nancy: Yes you will Bill! *Hits Bill*
Bill: Ouchie! Fine. Take the boy and do your wicked deeds.
Nancy: BWA HA HA! *Runs off to kidnap Oliver*
Bill: *sings a song about love and duty*
Meanwhile, Nancy has kidnapped Oliver and tries to force him to break in to some house.
Bill: *Enters chapel where Fagin and Preacher are praying* Fagin! I have to go and save Oliver!
Bill: *Runs off and finds Nancy and Oliver*
Bill: Nancy! Stop! You're better than this!
Nancy: Get away from me, Bill!
Bill: I won't let you take Oliver down with you!
Epic battle begins. Oliver backs against gate.
Nancy: Close your eyes, Bill! Close your eyes, darnabbit... Oh! WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Oliver: AGH! NICE MAN DEAD!
Police begin to appear.
Nancy: *Climbs to the roof and uses Oliver as a shield*
Random Townsperson: NANCY'S KILLED THE ARCH BISHOP!
Mr. Brownlow: *appears randomly* Fifty pounds to the person who captures that woman!
Everyone: OOOH! *grab nets and pitchforks*
Nancy: The eyes! The eyes! *screams and falls off building*
Oliver: *Runs to Mr. Brownlow*
Well – please review and tell me what you think! It's a bit strange, I know. :D