AN: This is crackfic! It was created for EdwardsChipper because I love her. If your not comfortable with prison lovin' than I suggest you don't read this, but if you are well good luck!

Thank you to my Beta Stitchcat for not calling me crazy or sendin the white coats after me over this! She did an amazing job and well you all know I love her hard!

DementedevilPixie was my prereader and evil twin with this story! She kept me up late at night with all the fuckery and quotes! I love you sugar! Thank you sooo much! Also a Big thank you to my twitter peoples, you all helped inspire this little tale!

EdwardsChipper this is for you bb, love you!

Don't Drop the Soap...

Edward Cullen was a lonely boy. He was a boy who wanted nothing more than to experience life in unordinary ways. He was also a boy who had an odd obsession with machinery.

It started when he was a boy, really. He always felt as if his mother's Mr. Coffee was taunting him. The bright red lights, the constant dripping. It was like a mating call to Edward. It all started with that one coffee maker, or percolator as he liked to call it, and had just run on from there.

Wood chippers were his choice of obsession today. He couldn't resist the unnatural pull he felt as he walked by, spotting the yellow machine. It was a beast and it caught his eye immediately.

Edward remembered back to the many talks his family and psychiatrist had with him over this fetish, but it never stopped him. The allure was just too great.

He tried to fight these feelings when they first occurred, washing machines, ovens, parking meters, sometimes when he felt a little more frisky than usual he even found that he was drawn to extruders, something about rubber-making machines had him more hot and bothered than ever before.

He knew his reasoning behind that machine, they were much harder to gain access to and it was so much more exciting when he got his hands on them.

The washing machine was his true first, though.

"Oh God!" He thought to himself, as the memories flowed back to him.

The vibrations were just too much to resist, and he was on it before he could even pull his pants down. He was humping away like a wild dog, when his mom walked in on him and his rotating partner, and he was immediately shoved at a therapist who gave him a name for his 'disease'.


His mother was thoroughly embarrassed then, and wouldn't even make eye-contact with her appliance-humping son.

They asked questions, wanted answers, but he had none to give. He didn't know why he felt a connection to machines, why he got hard just thinking about the purr that came from them, from his touch.

They responded to him so well.

His father did the only thing he could think of, and bought his son a hooker. She was a small woman, a dirty woman, in Edward's eyes it wasn't enough because she was just that, a woman.

Edward had named the hooker Hoover, after one of his most favorite appliances. She worked a lot like one, her teeth were missing - which only reminded him further of what he was missing by being here, he thought, as he looked at the ceiling wondering when it might all be over.

Carlisle was disappointed when he learned Hoover hadn't helped his son. He was at a loss. Being a doctor he tried therapy over and over, nothing worked. They went through electro-shock as a last ditch effort and that's when things got worse.

Edward was walking around town in a daze when they released him. His mind was much more scattered than it had been, and when he ran into a local gym in town he was aroused instantly. The hum of the small engines all around him, the polished steel, it was mesmerizing. His body attached to the first treadmill in sight and he was gyrating along to its beat. If it wasn't for the Police Chief, Charlie Swan, Edward would have been able to finish his love session.

Instead, though, Charlie arrested him.

It took a moment for the Chief to realize what was going on. He had pulled up to the gym on a call of a flasher. He was worried that a man was walking around showing his parts to the kids around here, but instead found a very naked Edward Cullen holding onto a treadmill as if it was the last woman on earth.

It was a humiliating moment for Edward. Not the love-making but the arrest. He hadn't wanted to leave the gym equipment unsatisfied, and grew agitated at the officer.

His parents were called, and picked him up when Edward had attacked the pay phone used for calls. The Chief didn't know how to handle something like this, and wanted it as far away from his town as possible.

He was the reason Edward was where he was now.

His parents put him away in a facility for people with similar problems to his.

Edward escaped it though. After only two days inside he grew anxious. They locked him in a room with no connection to anything. His mind did nothing but wander to his past deeds, and it made his pants grow even further for the shiny machines. He was a prude, and instead of relieving these things on his own he went in desperate search of something to relieve it for him. He craved the warm touch of the machine.

The chipper, it was now Edward's chipper.

He stroked the large machine lovingly as he walked around it in a seductive manner. Edward was trying to woo the machine. It was something he liked to do when he felt over-aroused and confident.

So big, so beautiful. He whispered to the chipper as his hands made their way to the buttons.

He knew he shouldn't push them, but the chipper was pushing Edward beyond his limits at this point, and he was up against it, hips moving in motion to the sounds. It was the beat of sweet, sweet, love-making and Edward smiled as the warmth from the chipper connected with his body.

"Such a good chipper." Edward said lovingly, as his hips bucked towards it.

Edward was so lost in the moment with the chipper that he hadn't noticed the crowd surrounding him, or the officers pulling up. The lights from the cars only helped the mood for Edward.

His hands were groping and spanking the machine. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced, and he smiled inwardly as the machine's engine vibrated him.

It was like a DJ had made the song for him and his lover. The laughter around him, the sirens blaring and the sounds he and his mate were making.

It all ended abruptly when the officers tased him. He lost feeling in his lower regions just as he exploded, and the loss of feeling pissed him off once again.

His father refused to help him, his mother ignored him, and now Edward Cullen was prisoner number 7489469.

He had his own cell. A cozy 10'x10' room with a cot and a toilet. He was saddened that there wasn't one single appliance he was allowed in his cell. Being away from them now was only driving his need mad.

He thought back to the chipper and wept.

He tried the toilet once, it just didn't give the same feel as the others though. The porcelain against his skin was nothing but cold and empty.

Edward's days began to perk up when he was put on kitchen duty.

Big, shiny, metal appliances where everywhere he looked. His face lit up like when he was a kid on Christmas morning and opened up his first easy-bake oven.

He was in heaven.

After days of his hips meeting almost every object in the place, and nights of dreams about his special chipper, Edward began to be happy again.

It all ended when a rather large man caught him rubbing himself on the warm oven.

"You sure do got a purdy mouth boy." Bubba said to Edward, who froze in place. Hands planted firmly on either side of the industrial oven. He could still feel the heat surrounding his crotch and internally apologized to his partner.

"I can't get a break can I?" He thought.

When Edward turned around he could see the glint in Bubba's eyes that let him know that comment was not just in passing.

It took him a second to realize just how huge Bubba was. Edward barely came up to his chest, and he whimpered a little.

"Mmmm do that again, Princess." Bubba said as he stepped closer to Edward, who pressed his back into the oven, scared at what Bubba wanted with him.

"Is there something I can do for you?" Edward asked, his voice cracking from the puberty he hadn't quite gotten through.

"You can bring that purdy little ass over here." Bubba said as he licked his lips, lookin' Edward over like a piece of meat.

"That's enough ladies, back to work." Leelee said to them as she tapped her nightstick against the door. She was the butch prison guard; Edward called her Leah but the others gave her Leelee as they were unsure if she was an actual woman.

Bubba winked over at Edward who shuddered in disgust. Bubba took this as an invite and smacked Edward's ass as he walked by.

The next day Bubba was eyeballin' Edward every place he went to. Bubba kept his distance until it was time to go out in the yard.

Bubba was at his side before the guards could finish the round-up, and Edward felt when Bubba's hands squeezed his ass tightly. Bubba didn't even hide the smile or the hungry look in his eyes as he kept his hands in place.

That's odd. Edward thought, as he became slightly aroused by the man's touch.

"Im'a make you squeal like a pig, boy." Bubba whispered into Edward ear, causing him to shudder again.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Edward squeaked out.

"You're my bitch now, and you ain't seen nothing yet." Bubba said simply, smiling his three-tooth grin, and Edward felt like he was gonna be sick.

Right before they reached the doors to the yard, Bubba jerked Edward to the side and started messing with his shirt. He backed away when he was done, and smiled at Edward in appreciation.

Edward looked down at his new appearance and gasped aloud.

His shirt was now tied in a knot in the center of his chest, making it look as though he was wearing a bra instead of the normal prison shirt.

"Mmmmm, where they been hiding you?" Bubba asked, admiring Edward's tight body.

Edward didn't answer Bubba and walked beside him out into the yard. Bubba walked proudly with Edward restrained tightly by his side.

When they reached the basketball court, Edward started feeling hot. It wasn't the sun affecting him though, no this was the pack of sweaty men running around with their shirts off, playing with a ball.

He instantly scolded himself. He felt like a whore betraying his lovers like this, watching the sweat glistening off their tan bodies.


"Ummm Bubba what are you in for?" Edward asked, trying to get his mind off of the men around him.

"Not today suga" Bubba said, a southern accent coming through thick.

"Are you from around here?" He asked, his eyes wandering once again, and Bubba helped stop him by grabbing his face with his meaty hands and making him face him.

"Let's just say I'm from a place where the men are men and the sheep are scared." Bubba said, laughing at himself.

His own memories started running wild but stopped when he was hit with a basketball.

"Hello there boys, Emmett." The tall tan god said to them as he sauntered over, placing his finger on his stomach and running a trail all the way down Edward's happy trail.

Edward caught tan man calling Bubba Emmett, but didn't say a word.

"Mmmmm fresh meat." He said into Edward's ear, causing him to shiver for the first time.

This did not go unnoticed by Bubba.

"I'm Jacob by the way." He said with a perky wave at Edward. "Wanna come play with my balls?" He asked Edward, as his hands found their way into his waist band.

This set Bubba off, and Jacob's hand was being crushed before Edward could react.

"I'ma rip that dick of yours off, boy." Bubba told Jacob.

"And fuck you with it." He told one of the other tall tan sweaty gods.

Edward watched as the tan gods backed away slowly in fear and he was grabbed up into Bubba's arms.


Edward felt the sting on his face. Bubba smacked him hard and tears where in his eyes.

"Your gonna pay for that, Princess." Bubba said to his bitch.

"What did I do Emmett?" Edward asked, his hand still holding his face.


"You call me Bubba, boy, and I'm bout to show you who you belong to." Bubba told him and the glint from the kitchen was back in his eyes.

Edward froze in place at his words and started to shake within. He'd seen the movies, knew what was about to happen to him and wanted to scream. He wanted to run to his chipper in hopes that it might protect his ass, literally.

Bubba dragged Edward forcefully back into jail. His body was alive with excitement and he couldn't wait. It had been so long since he'd felt the warmth of anything beneath him, and he was giddy with anticipation.

"What do you think 'bout tattooing tits on your back?" Bubba asked, as he stroked his back lovingly causing him to gasp aloud.

"Ummm." Was all Edward could get out before Bubba started dragging him around again.

"Perfect!" Bubba said with excitement as he spotted the kitchen.

No-one was around, and it wasn't like they would mess with him anyways, they had been scared of Emmett the minute he walked into this place. His size was what terrified them, and since he liked the authority he was given he decided they all needed to call him Bubba. It was the nickname his boy toy on the outside gave him, and he missed hearing it.

Edward's eyes got huge as they walked into the kitchen. Machines. Their slow purrs were surrounding him and he was hard instantly.

Bubba noticed the new arousal from Edward, and knew just what he was gonna do.

"We're gonna need this." Bubba said grabbing the butter from the counter and wiggling his eyebrows at his new bitch.

With a slap to Edward's ass, Bubba bent him over the counter.

The oven was in line of sight and as much as Edward tried he couldn't stop the smile or the erection that he was sporting.

He didn't even notice when Bubba pulled his pants down or when his butt was being lathered up with butter. His only thoughts were for the oven and his chipper.

It stopped, though, and out came a squeal from Edwards mouth.

Oh mmm gee!

Bubba was smiling from ear to ear as he plunged into his bitch's buttery-covered backside.

"Told you I was gonna make you squeal like a pig, boy. Even better than I remember." Bubba purred into Edward's ear.

Something about his words made Edward's entire body tighten up and Bubba smacked his ass in return.

Bubba rode Edward as Edward looked on in horror at the stove.

When he reached out to the stove, upset that it was having to look on at Edward's betrayal, Bubba gripped his hips and pulled him closer, causing Edward to squeal again.

"Just for that, suga, you ain't getting no reach 'round." Bubba said to him, as he shoved into him again.

This disappointed Edward, he hadn't even thought of that idea but now that it was off the table he wanted to beg for it to Bubba.

"Squeal, piggy." Bubba hollered out as he bucked wildly into the buttered backside of his prison bitch.

Edward complied, squealing madly as Bubba drove deeper into him.

Ten minutes was all it took and then it was over.

"Damn boy." Bubba said, as he backed away from Edward, wiping the sweat from his face.

Edward couldn't take his eyes away from the oven, though. He wept not at the pain in his ass, but at the thought the oven may not take him back.

"Aww don't cry suga, you were much better than the pigs." Bubba said as he rubbed Edward's swollen, buttery, bottom.

"Oh and if I ever see you with any of those mutts I'll bring that purdy ass back here again." Bubba told Edward, as they both looked at the appliances.

All Edward did was nod his head as he closed his eyes, making a promise to his chipper that one day they'd be together again, as long as Bubba said it was ok.

Soooo, um, what did you think? Bwahahaha they don't call me evilbabyh00r for nothing!