The Dark Tower: Search for The Dark Tower
Inspired by Another Story
Revision By Dhiz Kanichioko and Bomb-1118
(Please note, all spelling and grammatical errors within the story are intentional. This is a spoof of another story we read about a year ago, and he is our homage to it.)
Chapter I?: A New Hope
Roland The Gunslinger was going across the bland, uninteresting, dessert. The sun was beating against his lederhosen and winning. He had been walking for 2,048 days and 26 nights. The heat from the sun created a sensation of being very hot, and his thirst was oh, so thirsty. He would get a Cold One later. The blistering banana cream pie winds were blowing against his stupid leather jacket and gave Roland The Gunslinger blisters on his eyes. This blocks his eye's visions of the future, but he didn't care.
Roland The Fry-Cook knows the man in black is nearby because he saw him earlier wearing a pink and purple poke-doted dress. He tried to catch a fish but was unable to since there is nowhere for fish to live in The Apple Tart.
Roland The Candy Man must have walked in serpentine patterns more, until the raging mirrors inside of his head shut up. But then, quite suddenly, he sees it... Over there, in the far, far away... Could it be? Could it possibly conceivably be?
No, for it was not The Dark Tower, but just another mirror-rage. He turned around and began to weep, when, even more suddenly than before, he sees it. Was it possible? Could it be?
Yes, for it was The Real Dark Tower, for reals this time!
Roland ran very fast to The Walmart, across the parking lot of DOOM, but not too fast, as it was only about 50 feet behind him. How he had missed this, he would never know. His cowboy boots (that were really just sandals) got stuck in The Chocolate Ice-Cream. He had his hand on a gun that he just got from this really nice guy in some alley, just in case... He approached with some caution, as he now suspected that Wally World must have been following and stalking him all this time...
He goes over the chocolate lava pit, but then he sees somebody by the door. He appeared to be a Man dressed in Black. It was then that Roland The Sling-gunner realized that Johnny Ca$h had gotten there first.
Chapter II ½?: Revenge of the Sequel!
Both of them had been out in the hot heat of the hot sun, thus making both of them delusional... What they believed to be reasonable, coherent thoughts, were nothing more than strings of broken Engrish.
''You can't not has my Toys R' Us'' said Roland The Hash-Slinging Slasher to his brother Bill The Accountant and shoots him. He then realized that that was his only brother, which he had not seen in many years. He didn't regret it though.
His barrage of text seemed to have some effect on The Man in Black (who is not actually the villain; the real villain is the Crimson King. He is stuck on a balcony of The Light Tower... wait... that's the actual story...), as he retorts in old thyme English, ''Tis not thy Holiday Inn, but Tis mine an' of which I love as one loves a bed an' breakfast!'' He then shouts to the heavens due to his Tourette's Syndrome, and laughs like a mad scientist, ''Bwa-ha-ha, Bwa-ha-ha, Bw-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha!'' Seems very... Mandark-esque... ''It is awesome, and you can't have it..'' He started, but Roland the Rude Person interrupted him.
''What you say!''
"It is not your time to go back to the beginning yet!"
''No I if do some stupid things 'bout it!''
''Of what sorts?'' asked the Man in White.
''Uh... Stuff... and er... Things?''
But before Roland The Witty could think of an intelligent response, the man who is an alien from the past , with his huge-normous muscles, grabbed The Family Dollar, and put it in his pocket. ''Ouch'' He said, as the spire of The Dark Tower pressed against his inner thigh.
''KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! WHAT YOU DONE!'' Screamed Roland The Hedge-Trimmer.
But he never got his response. The man who didn't get mentioned for five more books fled across The Strawberry Short Cake. He would have chased after him, but instead, Roland The Cow crawled into the fetal position and cried like a little girl. Also, he still hadn't completely gotten over that fish thing.
Roland The Gunslinger and The Goblet of Fire
Rolan was sitting at the bar having a drink of one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer. He was depressed over the loss of his tower.
The young owner of this bar was named ''Barkeep'' (The True Villain). He noticed the patron's despair. ''On the Couch'', he declared, thus lifting his spirits. At this point, Roland The Guy You Thought Was Sitting At The Bar But Really Wasn't, walked in and ordered a drink for himself.
''Me wants a Cold One'', he whined like a four-year-old.
Barkeep was fairly drunk, so he as well talking english good n' junk. ''Doesn't Have'' He said.
''A Cool One?''
''Do does not has neither.''
''A Warm One?''
''You gross man.''
''Fine, haves me whiskey.''
Barkeep got him his drink, which Roland The Very Thirsty chugged in one gulp. The Barkeep notices this, and notes it as a sign of alcoholism.
''Is of The McDonalds,'' Roland – The Second Tree To The Left began, but realized it was none of the barkeeper's damn business. ''Not for you of worry to. Is it not problem of for you.''
''But is'' Barkeep said as he wiped his ugly mug. ''I know whereabouts is and what of you speaks.''
''You Do?'' Roland The Strawberry asked with an upward inflection at the end.
. . .
''You gonna tell me the whereabouts now?''
So, Barkeep tells Roland The Ignorant about this new, super-mega-ultra Dark Tower that nobody seemed to notice before. He thanks barkeep while he thinks of the information he had just received. Roland (A.K.A. - Mr. Krabs) then gave Barkeep some money, but not much because he is a jerk.
Chapter IV*t99999995255252525=overflow error?: The Saga Ends (THANK GOD)
Roland The Main Character was going across the bland, uninteresting, Double Dutch Muffin of DOOM. The sun was beating against his lederhosen and winning. The heat from the sun created a sensation of being very hot, and his thirst was oh, so thirsty. Roland The Redundant felt a strange feeling of deja-vu. He was in so much pain, that he could have died from Banana Cancer, but this was okay, because Dr. Roland M.D. saw what must have been the biggest, bestest, most awesome tower ever. He screamed like a little school-girl, and ran as fast as he could in it's direction.
But, however, when he reached the door, he found it to be locked. There was also a note on the door. It read:
'' Sorry! We are currently closed for renovations, and our boss C.K. Does not want anybody coming in. We plan to open again September 19Th 2034. Hope to see you then. . .
''No... NO! WHY!'' He shouts with a lot of anger.
So, with nowhere else to go, Roland the Patient leans against the wall, and simply waits for the doors to open.
(Yeah... It is... And you know what? Roland the Cry-Baby ought to thank Johnny Ca$h for stealing The Dark Tower... He prevented a loop/circular ending...)