I realized with horror there was only one fanfiction for Koizora (a nice little one-shot, I might add, that you should read, called First Love) even though the manga/drama/movie was such a tragic, emotional, heart wrenching, deep and meaningful thing. So, I looked through my documents, found this one-shot sitting in the folder and said to myself 'Let's make it two fanfictions.' So, here it is. It was very spur of the moment, the poem being written instantly after chapter eleven of the manga, the rest being written after seeing the movie. So, it's a bit choppy. I'll go back later perhaps and fix it all. Oh, and I never figured out the exact date of his death, didn't remember her birthday (I was really rushing with a flash of inspiration and need to write something to express my depression, you see) so that's probably off. But, whatever. This exists now, so all is well.
Disclaimer: Koizora isn't mine. Had it been, there would've been a miracle and bam! Hiro would be back. But we all know the story would've lost some impact had that happened.
I'll love you more than mountains can ever reach the sky
I'll hold you more than birds that still gracefully fly
I'll kiss you more than any sun can ever warm the earth
I'll remember daily everything about you for what its worth
These vows can never just make sense
The comparisons seem wrong
But in a way it's like our love
Not making sense but still forming a song
Because no one could have ever guessed
'Cept you and I, but we are blessed
I'll sing of all my feelings, devotion, love and trust
I'll laugh of all our memories and those moments filled with lust
I'll cry of all the words that tried to cut our love in two
I'll hold on tight, even still, because I'm still connected to you
There is nothing that is sharp enough
Your words were sticks and stones
Meant to harm, and so they did
But they only broke my bones
My heart is still in waiting
My soul somehow alive
Because they both know, and so do I
That with you they can thrive
I watch you leave with a heavy look that really says it all
That you never did regret that fate made both us fall
I stand up now on shaky legs that threaten not to hold
But still I'm running after you to warm your soul so cold
Let me love and hold and kiss you
So we can sing and laugh and cry
Stay with me so I won't miss you
Because without you I will die
I remembered writing that the day he had broken up with me. But now, my memories were slowly fading. Why? Because memories meant time had passed.
Not for me.
Time had stopped. I wasn't just seeing things. It wasn't that I was imagining his chest unmoving, his heart frozen against my hand without a beat to reassure me.
He was gone.
No. No, no, no! This can't… That can't… It can't… He can't… Can't, can't, can't! It can't happen like this! It can't end like this! It was supposed to be… forever! And ever! I was… he was… We were fated. No… No… It hurts. Hurts like fire. Burning… Why won't it stop? Where did he go? Where did my Hiro go?
Hiro… Hiro… such a pretty name. Hiroki. Masculine and strong. Hiro. Just like him. Hiro, Hiro, Hiro… More Hiro… I can't get enough. Hiro was my savior. Hiro. We had to be together. Without each other there was nothing in this universe. World. Home. Where is home? Did he… he took it with him. My home… Gone. Torn down in a storm. Hiro. Why didn't you tell me? Why couldn't you suffer in front of me? Why couldn't I help you? I wanted to help you! So badly! I was so… so… so incredibly happy with you! You said you were happy! I would've been with you every step of the way! It's one of the only things I can promise you! I loved you! I… love you. Love. Not loved. Always love. Never stop. Love. I love you! I would've been there. I cried in front of you! Why couldn't you do the same? How can I smile now? How? It won't work. I can't smile. Take it back! Take it back! He's not dead. That's not possible! He can't be. There's gotta be some way… gotta… has to be. You can't see it… there is… there has to be… there's gotta. Where am I? Where is Hiro? There isn't anything without Hiro. I can't live in nothing. I need Hiro! Hiro come back! Give him back to me angel! Give him back to me! Don't look into the light! See me! I… agony… pain… Why so much pain? Why… I'm nothing. I'm empty… there isn't… nothing… anything… Lost. There's nothing to get lost in! I'm lost! No! Help me! Get me out! Save me! Hiro why are you gone? Whose going to save me from myself. Whose going to make me laugh? Laughter… All those good times… You cried at sappy movies. You picked me up when I was least expecting it. You couldn't do the claw machine to save your life… Laugh. Live, love, laugh. That's what they say, isn't it? Why? Why are you gone? Why did you leave me here? Why did the angel take you from me?
I will never know until the day I die. Never knowing… Ignorance… Ignorance can never be bliss. Not unless I'm ignorant of everything… everything but you. Everything including the pain… God, where are you? How could you let this happen? God, where is your love for the world? For me? Why did you take Hiro away? Can't you see I need him?
I wanted to have your child. I would have. I was going to have a baby! A little baby girl with you! We could've been so amazingly happy… And yet… not happy. Baby's dead. Our little girl. Died before seeing light. Hearing. Knowing. Sensing. Tasting…Senses. I can't reach them. Can't come to my senses. Pain. Grief. Mourn. Soul… its gone. My baby's gone. You're gone. My life and soul and heart and mind and breath and emotion and happiness… all gone. Why? Why is it gone? Where did it go? Why is it missing? This pain…
My baby is gone…
Hiro is gone…
Only mine and mine and mine…
Mine and only mine… my Hiro… my baby. Our baby. Our life. Our world. Our goals and dreams and love and everything!
It's not here anymore.
I love you.
I love you so much the pain washes over me… Wash… Wash these sins and mistakes away… Why can't things go back? Go back to the way things were! Turn back time, God! Turn it back so I never answer that phone call. I never go to see her.
Our baby will be safe.
No. Why not? Why can't you bend one rule for me? Life… it isn't fair. Why do I want it?
I don't want it if there is no Hiro. No… No Hiro… No baby. No happiness. No meaning. No point. Stop this madness. Let me go. Let me free. I don't care. Let me go to the light and see my Hiro and my baby… Our baby.
My Hiro and our baby…
Say hello to our little girl for me, Hiro.
What would we have named her? Would she have your hair? My eyes? Your skin? My bass skills? Your bike skills? Your sweet smile? Your gentle nature? Would she have had lots of boyfriends? Fallen in love? Love like us so amazing and so great and so powerful it hurts and wounds me fatally every second of every day for eternity… Would she have felt that? Would she have cried? Would I have comforted her over crushes and would you have taken her to our special spot by the river? Would that have made her happy?
We would have been so happy. So very happy. I was happy. You were happy. What is happy now? There is none. Nothing. Not you, my Hiro. Not our precious child.
We'll raise her up in heaven, you and I.
Yes… Our love is strong. I'll see you there. I have to. Take me with you. Don't let go. Don't leave me.
I won't leave you and our daughter.
Would she have had friends?
Oh I hope to God she would have. We would've made such great parents. We could've had a house, or even just a condo… I would've been fine with an apartment as long as you two were there. As long as you were there. I would've cooked. You would've worked. We both would go into the music career and sing the song of our amazing love and lives and child. We'd spoil her rotten and love her forever and ever.
I love you forever and ever.
When does ever end?
I hope it can't.
It doesn't. It's ever. It's forever. It's never ending. My love for you will never end.
This pain will not end until I can see you again.
You died of cancer, love of mine. September 18 at 5:08 in the afternoon.
I died of pain and a broken heart and blood loss through both wrists. My birthday, actually, because it was a selfish act for a selfish birthday present of seeing you in heaven.
The angel says I'll get to see you. I wrapped up everything with my family. I told them I loved them. I apologized to Yuu. He didn't make me laugh or feel safe. Just depressing and babied.
Light. Large golden gates opening before me, revealing a world of light. My life without you had been so dark. I know why its light in this world, though. The angel told me you were here. The angel said to be quiet though. I hear you're doing a concert right now, so I plan to surprise you. I'll hide back stage and wait for you to finish playing your guitar and I'll love you like I've always dreamed of loving you. Always and forever. There's forever in heaven. The angel told me that too. I'm so proud of you. I'll congratulate you. You and the baby. We can be together. Once you're done with your concert, you'll go back stage and see me. How will you react? Will you cry?
No. That's normally me. You always said I cried to much. But then again, it never mattered. Never. You were always there. You gave me a shoulder. You let me cry and soak your shirt and ruin your day with my tears. You were strong when my eyes betrayed my feelings. Oh how I miss you.
I hear your voice. Such a pretty voice. Angelic. Isn't it fitting? Here in heaven your voice will fit the world around you. Will you let me play bass for you? We can have a concert together! The baby can grow up and play drums! We'll be the musical wonder of heaven! Oh how I missed you. But now your voice rings in my ears. I know nothing can go wrong now.
The angel told me once I step through this door, I'll be back stage. Then I'll have to wait. But that's fine. Waiting a couple more minutes is nothing. Compared to how long I've suffered and waited and needed you yet not had you by my side, a couple minutes doesn't even exist.
The guitar has ended. Your voice has faded away. My heart is pounding in anticipation. At last. Finally. I hear footsteps accompanied by you talking. There's a soft gurgling sound in response. Is that our baby? Oh my God! You're talking to our baby and its so adorable. You have a baby voice. You act all manly, but around our daughter you've got a soft, father side with a baby voice. I'm going to tease you for eternity about that.
We have all eternity.
The door knob is turning. I'm through with waiting at last.
I get to see you. I'm so excited. I'm so… happy. The feeling. It's back! I'm happy! I get to see you! I'm so, so happy.
Were you happy?
Now I'll know.
That was so very confusing, I know. But I was trying to right from her point of view. Mika is grief stricken, depressed and mourning for her true love and the loss of her baby. I figured her thoughts would be scattered, mixed up and confusing. So, that's how I wrote it. Sorry if it was hard to follow. I want to continue this with a story chapter that isn't just her thoughts, but for now, I don't have a lot of time with school and orchestra and house renovations. It's unfortunate seeing as I'd love to add some more fanfictions to the very small and sad collection of Koizora fanfictions that exist. But it'll have to wait. Sorry!