A/N: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MY ROOMMATE LETS ME WRITE FIC AT TWO AM. .
Disclaimer: OHBA, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR CRUSHING MY SHIP UNDERFOOT. MUAH. HA. HA. Obviously these characters belong to Ohba and Obata, and I'm borrowing them for a while to do naughty things with them and give Ohba the finger for making Shujin get FUCKING MARRIED.
Warnings: Lots of talk of sloppy, drunken blowjobs. :D
Mashiro woke with a pounding headache and a taste in his mouth like something had died in it. He would never drink again. Never ever ever. Light was weighing on his eyeballs like bricks. The only thoughts going through his head were Oh God oh God oh God why is it so bright did I drink sake or get hit by a train what is this—
Eventually, he made the decision to sit up, which was ultimately a very very terrible horrible awful decision, and saw Shujin sprawled next to him on the futon they kept rolled up in the closet in case they needed to sleep over.
And Shujin, he found, was completely naked.
Mashiro looked down. He was also naked.
What. Did. We. Do.
He wiggled his hips experimentally. He didn't seem to be feeling any pain in his… er… backside, which was good, except—
I just made myself the bottom in my own hypothetical situation what is WRONG WITH ME.
He shook Shujin's shoulder. The other man sat up groggily, pushing a hand through blonde hair that was currently sticking up in all directions. His glasses were hanging from one ear.
"Why are we naked," Mashiro demanded.
"I—what?" Shujin looked down at himself. "Oh, my clothes are gone."
"Your clothes are—what is wrong with you, do you not think this is a big deal, you are MARRIED—"
"Saiko. Please don't yell," Shujin said, rubbing his temples. "I need water. Do you want a glass of water?"
"I want to know why we're naked!"
"I should think the answer to that would be fairly obvious," Shujin said, deadpan, "but if you need a detailed recap—"
"Do you remember?"
"Bits and pieces."
Mashiro's mouth fell open.
Shujin looked at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. "I'm sorry, your face. We didn't have sex, calm down. I presume your butt doesn't hurt, so—"
"Why am I the bottom in both our hypothetical situations? Anyway, if we didn't have sex, that still does not explain why we woke up naked next to each other!"
"We didn't have sex. You blew me. Rather sloppily, I'll admit, but I'll forgive you because you had enough sake in you to knock out a sumo wrestler. Then I returned the favor, we passed out cold, and here we are. Seriously, I'm going to get water."
"Why are you being so nonchalant about this."
"Because I've wanted you to give me a sloppy drunken blowjob for about five years, and Kaya wants in Azuki's proverbial pants."
Mashiro stared at him. "What? Wait. …What?"
"Saiko, seriously, I thought it was pretty much obvious from the get-go that my marriage is a total farce, but I thought the drunken blowjob meant we could stop—I mean, okay, I was wrong."
"I—not—really," Mashiro said awkwardly. And oh God, it was true, because even if he hadn't thought about it before, the idea of getting a blowjob from Shujin while sober was—well—something he wanted to explore. Intimately. "I don't—this is really—I'm engaged, and I've seen the girl three times in five years, oh my God."
"Yeah, I kinda figured you'd come to that realization eventually."
"I don't even—I had a crush on her in junior high because I thought she was cute and then I made the commitment to marry her, and I never saw anything wrong with this, are we manga characters."
"Not that I know of. Are you having a mental breakdown?"
"Quite possibly. My brain is doing a lot of things right now. It is realizing that I am mentally and hormonally stuck at age fourteen while simultaneously intimately exploring the idea of getting a blowjob from you, and you're still naked, did you know?"
"I did know. You are also still naked."
Mashiro blinked at him. "Perhaps a sober blowjob would convince me one way or the other whether I would prefer to be a home-wrecker or a fourteen-year-old."
Shujin opened his mouth to respond—at least that's what Mashiro figured he was doing because he couldn't very well be opening his mouth to, well, carry out Saiko's request, because he was standing and he'd have to dive onto it or something and really that was just ridiculous, seriously I am never drinking alcohol again—when Shujin's phone buzzed.
He found his jeans on the floor nearby and tugged the cell phone out of the pocket. He grinned after reading the text. "Would it make you feel better if I told you that Kaya successfully seduced your fiancée last night?"
"It. It would make me feel a lot better and less home-wrecker…ish."
"Well. Bombs away."