a/n: Hey so I didn't get this edited so don't slaughter me. But this has been playing at my head lol. Please read and review.
I set my bag down by the door. Once again here I was. I grabbed the notepad on the small table by the door. What do I say this time? Maybe its better if I don't leave a note at all. But he would worry. Then again he would worry any way. He deserved better then me. That was what I was doing. Yes. That is it. I am taking myself out the equation. I started to write that but somehow the words felt wrong.
The truth was simple. I am selfish. There is a man in the bed upstairs who would do anything for me. Anything but leave La Push that is. But somehow that is what I felt like I needed the most. Every step I took away from him was painful. It physically hurt. But here I was again. By the door.
My heart jumped to my throat. I could hear it pound. I turned slowly praying he didn't see the bag. Praying even more he didn't notice my jacket on. But his eyes are sharp and he was an observant man. I wince when he saw the bag. Physically flinched when his eyes landed on my jacket. The accusation in his eyes pierced my soul.
"You're leaving," He stated.
He stood there. Shirtless. A mass of delicious muscles. His hands in the pockets of his soft pants. Here we were at another cusp of our ever evolving and crumbling relationship. And we just stood there. His simple statement hung between us. Silence surrounded us. Swallowing us up. But it didn't hide the pain in his eyes. What was I thinking?
I moved toward him. Slowly. Each step echoing. He never moved. Never flinched. I had to make it right... Right? But I could tell this time I had pushed him to far. He was silent. Almost deadly. Tension crackled. Each step closer I got to him I felt it rise.
"I was just..." The look in his eye killed the words in my throat. Lies were useless he would see through them like he saw through all my empty promises. He was like a volcano ready blow.
"Jared please," I begged him moving closer noting the slight tremble in his muscles.
"Please what Bella," he growled his body shaking, "Please let you go... or maybe please turn around and go back to bed and act like you never met me."
He punched the wall his fist slamming through it. "I'm so fucking tired of this shit... every time."
"God damn it every fucking time," He hissed, "Why can't you just stay put?"
"I just got you back," his voice caught in his thought, "I just fucking got you back damn you."
His anger was consuming. I felt it wash over me. But it was his pain that got to me. Choking me. He wanted answers but yet I still couldn't find the answers. Why couldn't I just stay? My mother claimed it was in our blood. She couldn't stay in one place either.
"Answer me damn it," He shouted yanking me toward him, "I would sell my god damn soul for you, and yet you can't even stay with me. You can't even find it in you to think of my feelings."
"Don't you see this is why I have to go I'm no good for you," I cried trying to pull away from him.
"Save it Bella," his eyes were dark and his shaking has increased. Fear filled the pit of my belly, "Save your load of shit for someone who hasn't heard it."
"You know why you have to leave," He growled, "Because you're a selfish bitch and god forbid you stay in bumble fuck La Push right."
"No Jared that's not it..." I started. "Then you tell me why?" he sneered.
"I don't know why," I sobbed.
"That's not good enough anymore," He said pain laced in his voice. His shaking has since calmed down.
I moved to hug him. Comfort him. But he pushed me away. "I can't breathe when you're not here," he choked out. Sobs shook through me. I was killing him. "I dream of you," his voice strained, "I dream you are with me and then I wait up alone and it fucking kills me."
My knees buckled. I was riding an emotional hurricane with no way off. I felt as if the breathe had been ripped from my lungs. I hated seeing him hurt.
"When was the last time you even told me you loved me?" He asked, "When was the last time you thought to yourself I wonder if he is okay?"
"Every day," I gasped, "Every single day."
"You consume me Jared... its like I'm a different person when I'm with you," I was trembling I wrapped my arms around me trying to hold myself together. I felt as if I was falling apart by the seems.
"I don't know this Bella I am with you... and I am so scared of her."
"Because she is everything I never knew I could be."
He pulled me toward him. Held me against his chest. Beautiful strong arms full of love surrounded me. And I wanted to leave this?
"Then why are you running away?" He asked his brown eyes staring into mine, "Why are you so willing to throw it all away."
"Because I feel like I'm losing myself," I cried, "I leave and try to find the me I was before all this but I can't, and then it hurts to much to be away... every time I say I won't come back that I would just give you the clean break you deserve. But I can't."
He just stood there. Soaking up my words. His eyes never left mine. The room was so quiet. All I heard was our breathing. So in sync. Each breathe matching.
"Do you remember the first time I saw you," He whispered walking over to me cupping my face, "God It feels like a life time ago."
Because it was a life time ago. I wrapped my hands around his biceps. I let myself melt into him. Let myself fall into the memory of a better time.
He placed tender kisses over my face. Holding me close to him. God I wanted him. Tears fell. They always fall. Why couldn't it be easy for once? I was jealous of the other imprints. I wanted to be like them. I wanted for him to be happy. Instead we were stuck some where in the middle.
"You were so beautiful," Tears falling from his eyes. His gorgeous brown eyes filled with love. "You were just standing there the leaves dancing around you."
"You were so happy back then," a ghost of a smile played at his lips, "We were so happy back then."
"Don't I make you happy anymore," He asked emotions thick in his voice.
"Oh God yes," I nodded my head, "You make me happy."
"Then why do you keep leaving me?"
A sob broke from my lips. I felt like I was falling apart. Maybe I really was but some how in his arms I was whole. I put my hands on his neck caressing his jaw. A motion from a past. One I hadn't done in a while. One that seem to cement how fucked up this situation really was.
"You were so beautiful," He whispered kissing my forehead, "And I knew from that moment you were the one for me."
"Jared... oh god Jared," I gasped through the sobs. I hated myself. I wish I wasn't like this.
"Please Bella," He dropped to his knees before me, "Pleasing I'm begging you don't leave me again."
His tears soaked my shirt. I was choking on emotions. I wanted to promise that this was the last time. I wouldn't walk out of the door again. But damn it the words wouldn't come. I sobbed harder. I was a horrible person.
"Tell me how to take the pain away," He asked.
I wish I knew.
"I just need time," I whispered.
"How much more do you think I have in me to give Bella?" He rubbed his face with the palms of his hands.
A sigh past through his lips. And I sensed it. The tension in the room broken. He was withdrawing from me. From us. And the thought crushed me.
"I can't keep doing this," he said, "The pain is too much."
He stood. Time seem to have paused. He let out a deep sigh. "If you leave tonight don't bother coming back."
a/n: let me know what you think this was just a prologue