Remus was dreaming.
In his dream, it was November 2nd. The day his last remaining friends were
He had held himself together all day, yesterday and the night before and the night before, after the witch crossing the street had shouted out that "The Dark Lord has been brought down by Harry Potter! At the small price of James and Lily Potter!"
The small price...if Remus hadn't fallen across the building, his heart skipping seven or eight beats at once, he would've run over and slapped the witch so hard she would see stars, who cared if she was a girl? The small price...what was this, a sale? Was Voldemort eggs, and were James and Lily money, their lives to be traded without even blinking? The small price..it wasn't the small price to him. To him, it was his life.
And yet he hadn't cried. He'd remained cold and numb, and even now, as the coffins lay open, he couldn't quite believe that his best friends in the world, the last people he cared about, were gone forever, that he'd never again here Lily's melodious shrieks of laughter, never again see James run a hand through his hair or play with the Snitch, never see Lily with her hands on her hips, glaring scarily enough to freeze the bravest man or woman in her tracks, never again see James's carefree grin spread across his face, never touch either of them...he couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it.
"Remus?" came Dumbledore's gentle voice. "If you would you step forward and say a few words."
Numbly, not even realizing what he was doing, Remus nodded. This had been arranged beforehand, and he'd somehow put together and mostly memorized some sort of speech. He walked slowly forward and, before opening his mouth, he looked into the coffins.
First he looked into Lily's. Lily, the girl who'd helped him study for Divination, Lily, the teenager who he'd told not to be so hard on James, Lily, one of his adult best friends. Lily. She lay with a small smile on her face, her chest scattered with lily flowers, eyes open, green and gazing, just like they always were...
but they weren't twinkling.
They always twinkled, no matter the circumstances, Lily's eyes always danced and winked and smiled and laughed, little people of their own. She couldn't lie or even joke, because her eyes would always give her away.
But they weren't twinkling.
Remus held back a scream that had lodged itself tightly in his throat. He couldn't look at James. Instead, he threaded a lily through Lily's hair, just like it was on her very first date with James...
I will not reminisce, not right now, it will only make be break down, and I can't break down, I have to give a few words and I canNOT break down, there are about five hundred million people staring at me, Remus reminded himself firmly. He cleared his throat and raised a wand to his mouth. But suddenly, anything he planned to say to the crowd puffed away in a flash of disappearance.
So instead, he turned to the coffins.
"Lily," he said, voice magically amplified but still tiny. "James. You were my last friends. Now even Sirius is gone. I love you both..I used to and I still..I still.."
That was as far as he got. His eyes had fallen on James.
His hazel eyes were wide open, and, miraculously, amazingly, death had not killed their smiles.
Maybe he was smiling through his eyes when he died, thought Remus. I wouldn't be surprised, his mind added incongruously.
His nose, long and slightly crooked as ever, had a small brown speck on the very edge. In first year, James had declared that if his evil twin ever showed up, the speck would be the way to differentiate between the two..
James's hair was definitely and by far the worst part. It was parted finely, it was smooth and black as usual...but it was flat, flatter than it had ever been.
He would never flatten it, or mess it up, ever again..
And that was when a dam burst in Remus and all the pain, the agony, the fury, the horror, and the fact that James Potter and Lily Evans Potter, his last remaining friends, his last remaining family, were gone, came pouring out as, abandoning shame, he hung his head down close to his chest and screamed and screamed and screamed. A rush of tears came pouring out, but Remus just screamed. He felt actual physical agony, but it wasn't as some people described the loss of friends, like a rock deep in his chest, pushing hard against his heart – it was as if there used to be a rock there, keeping him steady and happy and safe and together, but it had exploded into ten million pieces, so many pieces that it had ignited, and now his insides were burning, he was burning, scorching, breaking, tearing, and he would never be whole again, never in a million thousand years would he be whole again..sobs racked his whole body, he rocked back and forth and cried and cried and cried..he fell to his knees. "Don't go, don't go, don't go, don't go, please don't go...I need you...what am I gonna do on full moon..what am I gonna do..." He didn't care who heard. His life was over anyway. "I need you...need you..."
"Remus, come on," came a gentle voice. A hand slipped into his. He glanced down blankly. It was Andromeda's hand, and she was trying to lead him away...
Andromeda...he'd met her through Sirius...in the library...the third week of first year he'd dragged them to meet her...and she'd whispered to the three of them to be careful because she didn't trust Peter...
"You were wrong," he hissed.
"What?" Andromeda asked, kneeling down next to him.
"YOU WERE WRONG!" screamed Remus. "YOU TOLD US NOT TO TRUST PETER – BUT IT WASN'T PETER – IT WASN'T PETER! IT WAS YOUR STUPID COUSIN! HE BETRAYED THEM! HE KILLED THEM! HE KILLED THEM – I'LL KILL HIM!"
Andromeda was weeping. "I know," she moaned. "I know.."
"Leave me," whispered Remus. "Leave me. Please."
"You have to come, Remus. You have to come..you gotta go home..come on, we gotta go home..get up, Remus, you've gotta home.."
"I don't want to go home," whispered Remus, another sob escaping him. "It's not home again, Andi. It'll never be home again. I don't have a home..I don't have a home at all.." And he broke off, back into sobs, racking his body. It hurt to cry, it hurt horribly, but that didn't matter...pain didn't matter...his friends were gone. It was all over...all over...
"All over...all over...AHGH!" Remus jolted up. He looked over himself. He was human, albeit scratched and scarred and bleeding and scared, but he was a human again. It was the third full moon after James and Lily had died. They seemed to be getting worse..
"That was the worst one yet," he muttered. "But it was just a nightmare..just a nightmare.."
He looked round the scratched and torn closet he had locked himself into. My life is a nightmare.
I can't even get away when I sleep.
Remus Lupin, werewolf, the man who had suffered endless torture every month and bore it, even accepted it as a part of him, and had been doing so since he was six – six – possibly the strongest man on earth, lay down and cried.
A/N: Whoa, this is WAY different from my usual stuff..still, I'm quite proud of it. Hope the rating was okay, it just didn't seem quite..enough for a T. And yeah, I stole (borrowed) one of the lines in here from Lion King, paraphrased slightly. Hope you liked! Review if you did, review if you didn't, or just review to tell me you hate eggs. I do, too.
Until next time!