So this is it. Thanks to those of you who have left your comments- I have appreciated every one of them! I hope the ending does this story justice, but personally I'm just glad I finally got a chance to finish it and update it.
"WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS SAM?" Dean's words are steeped in anger and hurt, his voice communicating the torment he feels inside.
Sam sucks in a deep breath, and waits. Because these days' waiting is about the only thing he can do.
Dean shakes his head, "I followed him. I didn't have a choice." By the time he'd gotten himself up off the ground that night, Dean had already made the decision to tail Kansas. In retrospect it was a completely irrational move, but instinctually he knew if he didn't do something he was going to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life. If he didn't do anything he'd always be waiting. Waiting for more nights like this, waiting for Kansas to appear, waiting for memories to jump out of the shadows and cripple him. "I staked out his place, I knew I couldn't keep thinking about what happened and not doing anything about it. That and it was the only thing I— I—"Dean stammers, "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Sam exhales, he knows that with Dean there was always another shoe to drop. For Sam the hardest part was trying to figure out how to let it happen without forcing Dean to clam up and run away. The problem is, there is really no easy way to broach this subject with Dean, and as much as he may want to salvage Dean's sanity and pride, there is only one question that needs to be answered. So he asks it, "What happened Dean?"
"I um… I—my head wasn't in it."
With a quick glance over his shoulder, Sam looks over at his older brother, "Dean…" His voice trailing off as his chest tightened.
Dean bites his lip and looks away. Purposely keeping his eyes trained on the floor below his feet, "I messed up."
Sam sat staring at his hands, trying not to push Dean away, but silently willing his brother to continue.
Dean crosses his arms across his chest, shivering violently as he thought about what had happened next. "He knew I was there. It wasn't like I was being quiet or careful about it... I was just… I don't know…" Nervous energy seems to wrap around him as Dean leans forward in his seat, elbows resting on his knees as he laces his fingers together, resting his forehead against them. "So anyway I uh, I got invited inside." Dean swallowed hard his throat tightening painfully as he muttered, "Got to spend a little one on one time together, you know?"
Sam feels his heart stop, the breath catch in his throat. He wants to find this guy, fucking kill him himself. The tears he'd been holding back were slowly streaking down his face now.
"It was a long night. Not much sleep when you're on your on your knees getting run into the ground."
For a long moment Sam sits in the silence, feels the full weight of what Dean is trying to tell him as it lands square on his shoulders. When he finally exhales he feels like the rage boiling within him is enough to shatter the room, force it to crumble to the ground. It's an all consuming hatred he feels digging into his chest, a complete and total blinding anger. As he sits there planning the meticulous details of a justifiable homicide, Sam is made aware once again of Dean's presence as he feels Dean's body begin to tremble next to him on the bed. "I'll kill him." Sam says, his voice black, angry. "I'll rip him apart."
From beside him, Dean lets out a half laugh, half sob, "I'm not that stupid Sammy, I took care of it this time."
Sam sucks in a deep breath as he leans backward, "Oh shit…"
"Yeah," Sam echoes Dean as he tries to wrap his mind around the entire situation, the entire god-awful situation. Wiping away the tears that streaked down his face Sam sighs. He studies Dean sitting beside him, watches the jerking motions that come and go, hears the muffled sounds his brother is desperately trying to cover up, and finally summons the courage to do something he hasn't done in a long time. Reaching out Sam's hand came to rest on Dean's shoulder, slowly drawing him backward, and pulling him into a crushing embrace.
At first he felt sure that Dean was going to argue, shake him off, but as Sam pulls him in closer Dean seemed to collapse into Sam willingly, his heart-wrenching cries filling the air around them. Dean drew in a staggering breath, his heartache so painfully evident that it stole away Sam's breath.
For what seemed the longest time, Sam held as firmly as he possibly could onto his brother, fearing that if he let go, Dean would run away again, disappear without hesitation. As Dean sobbed brokenly in his arms as Sam continued to quietly reassure his older brother that everything was going to be okay, because as far as Sam was concerned, Dean had to be okay, there wasn't another option. Yet, deep down inside himself, Sam was terrified that there nothing he could do to fix what had been done. So many things had blown up in their faces this week he wasn't even sure he knew how to pick the pieces back up, for himself or his brother. They were both so utterly broken down that Sam couldn't even begin to think how to make things right again.
MINUTES HAD PASSED BY BEFORE DEAN FINALLY MOVES AWAY from the grip Sam has on him. He doesn't entirely break the contact however, leaning his head against Sam's shoulder. He's thankful when Sam doesn't say anything, doesn't break the contact himself.
Dean could feel the rise and fall of Sam's chest as Sam took in a deep breath and cleared his throat, "What do you say we take a break, huh? Find our way to Bobby's for a few weeks?"
"I'm gonna be okay Sam." He says closing his eyes, "I don't need you take care of me."
Sam nods, swallows hard, "This isn't' about you alright," he offers, Dean knows he's saying it to offer him a way to yes without admitting he really needs it, "I'm the one, I need the break."
Dean nods his head, swallowing hard, and breathing out a soft steady, "Okay."
"Okay then," Sam's voice echoes back, "Okay."